Confronting a 14 year old about weight gain

[proudmama2772]

Anyone else done anything like this. I'm really interested in hearing others stories - because I just had a difficult conversation with my ds.

I've been concerned about her weight gain for nearly a year now, but never said anything. I started jogging with her and then didn't keep it up. There is no way to discuss this without causing upset and I don't want her to be uncomfortable with her body. She has gone up two dress sizes and the weight gain seems to be escalating. She is 5' 2" and is a size 10. Most of the girls at her school look overweight to me and I know many of them have unhealthy eating habits. They buy donuts before school or will eat an entire bag of crisps. My ds thinks she is under average for her age - I don't think so.

When she is at home she doesn't seem to overeat - but I will stop her. Stopped buying sweets, cookies, ice-cream. I felt like I had to say something because I think she is doing this while she is out with her friends.

Ughhh.

Why don't you book her an appointment with the practice nurse for a general check up. If you think she will be reluctant just say it's a routine thing being rolled out across all patients.
Then let the professional tell you, and her, whether she has weight issues. You sound to me as if you have more issues than she does and if you think your view may be even slightly skewed you need a neutral opinion.
I hover over wondering whether my dd is underweight, but for one reason and another I'm not sure that my view is objective, so this is what I do.

proudmama - no, doughnuts for breakfast isn't healthy. But then, neither is a fried breakfast, croissant or sugary cereal, so you have to keep it in perspective.

Girls starve themselves when they realize they're overweight. Not necessarily. And pointing out to her that "she is getting overweight and really needs to watch what she eats" - particularly when it isn't particuarly true - sounds to me like a recipe for pushing her towards wanting to starve herself. By all means encourage exercise and healthy eating, but be aware that you cannot control what a 14 year old eats in the same way you can with a 10 year old, and that telling her she is fat will really do no good at all. I don't think anyone who is fat is unaware of that fact. Pointing it out just helps to create the sort of self loathing which might lead to an eating disorder.

You're picking up on a different concern (as we are talking about confronting hard topics). Of course I don't - but that was not my concern with your OP.
You see most teenage girls as too big. Not some, most.
You think a size 10 girl is getting too big. You think she's heading into life long issues. At size 10 you think she's kidding herself she's average (compared to most).
That's not healthy eating concern, it's size concern and tbh inaccurate.

The food type concern comes afterwards in your post.
Of course donuts aren't ideal for breakfast!
Your OP however wasn't about vitamins and protein - this thread isn't called "my dd eats junk food not her 5 a day" - it was about how she looks fat to your eyes, and how most people her age do.
That is concerning.

Obviously we can't see your daughter and her proportions but I would say a size 10 at this age and height is fine.

I'm 5'8 & a size 10, with a very small bust and hips. My daughter on the other hand is 16 5'3 & also a size 10 but has hips and a bust much bigger than mine ( that's not difficult though) she has been this height and size from about 12 yrs old.
when puberty kicks in hips widen and body shape changes,It's just nature.

Please don't continue to comment on her weight and shape, I think this could just create more issues about weight and body image.

squizita

Seriously - open up your eyeballs. Have you seen some of these girls. 20 years ago teenagers were not so unhealthy. Are you not aware there is an obesity crisis? Is it because we are afraid to tell them to put down the biscuit or else they will become anorexic and you'll give them a complex.

My daughter is not fat and I've told she is not fat and she doesn't need to worry about how she looks (even though I think she looks too big - I would die if she knew I thought that). I'm telling her to eat healthy.

Squizita - what do you suggest then. I sense you think it is better to say nothing until and let them get fat. Leave it to the doctors to say something.

I ate an entire packet of crisps whilst reading this thread. AN ENTIRE PACKET.

IME girls starve themselves when told they are overweight (by peers, media, parents), regardless of actual size. They also do it when adults pressurise them by telling them something they feel is ok for them (weight, IQ, sports) is just not good enough- to prove they're not weak/lazy.

'Proud mama' my hole.

Proud as long as she's skinny and confirms to your ideal.

So how old is she and how much does she weigh?

*conforms

I think you could have done without the 'Urghh' at the end of your post, that is your child you are talking about.

I'm 5 2" and a size ten, I'm definitely not overweight so it's unlikely your daughter will be.

You provide a healthy diet at home and it sounds like you have ( more than) drummed the healthy message into her....you can't control what she eats when she is out with her mates and if you go on about it she will have confidence and food issues.

You are concerned with her eating healthily which we can all understand, but if you are providing healthy meals at home then the odd donut, bag if crisps, can of coke won't do her any harm.
You may not have said directly to her that you think she is fat and needs to lose weight, but by not buying biscuits and snacks like you used to and by going on and on about healthy eating you are giving her this message any way and that is quite dangerous IMO.

Ok I see overwhelming response thinks it was wrong of us her to speak with her about her eating habits as it could lead her into not feeling comfortable about her body. I think I will say nothing in the future. I would love her if she was a size 26. Just would have felt like I've failed her.

At the end of the day I suppose its time to relinquish the control on her eating. She'll have to make her own choices.

Don't instruct me to open my eyeballs please. This is my job and in all honesty If this were face to face I'd be considering who to involve as (albeit in mild form) parents who diet their size 10 kids and secretly think they're fat could be considered in need of further support. Yes it has gone that far before in a few places I've worked.

Go to your GP for advice about your daughter. Go to an actual doctor. Who will say 5 a day, healthy snacks, active hour.
I strongly suspect you'll guard your language more in real life or s/he might have words about proxy eating disorders (which this has potential to become).

The obesity epidemic doesn't mean everyone is fat ffs.

Really just want to hear from other mums who do choose to have the difficult conversation rather than sitting by and watching their young child enter a life-long health problem

I agree with you to an extent, but from what you've said, your dd (or sister?) isn't entering a life-long health problem. And my experience of teenage girls tells me unless you are as subtle as a silent odourless fart, you will cause problems. Sometimes sitting by until they come to you, is the right thing to do at this age. If you dd is happy at size 10 then she isn't overweight, and hinting to her now that she might be, could cause a life-long health problem.

If she was a size 6, then she might have been underweight before, and being a size 10 now makes her a healthy size. Also she might be gaining weight due to puberty.

Out of interest, what size are you and her dad? Does she have the same frame as you, or is she built a bit broader? Is she shorter than you, or a just a different body shape?

I'm just a bit baffled where this idea came from - that a size 10 is heading towards overweight.

How did you and your dh confront her, what was her response?

I think the fact that you think that being a perfectly healthy size 10 is inevitably going to lead her to become a size 26 unless you act now is indicative of your very skewed perceptions of size. Why would it? People have explained to you that sudden weight gain is a fact of puberty - hips and boobs grow and the female body lays down more fat - it's an entirely normal process. So why do you continue to think her size is an issue?

And no, most teens are not overweight except in the Daily Mail A few are, the majority are not.

Op , do you have issues around food and/or your own body image ?

ThingummJigg

Thanks for that post. I'm a size 10 5'6" her dad is 6 fee and slim. Ithink now it is better if I had not said anything to her.

She looks pudgy (didn't tell her that) - but she'll probably lose it as she grows. We were getting concerned because she has put on a lot of weight recently - I don't weigh her or measure her - just based on her appearance and clothes not fitting. She'll be fine.

So how old is she and how much does she weigh?

And is this the same daughter who is having counseling?

It depends WHAT you said to her op. You say the conversation was 'difficult ' why was that.?

Something worth mentioning is bone structure. Sounds shallow but even when I weighed 7 stone I had a double chin and moon face, plus a large bust: my father (who had no idea about my actual weight) felt I looked chubby and would comment on what I ate (if I had dessert or cleared my plate) which fuelled it all.

I had a jiggle looking "carry on film" shape and face but was underweight. With my clothes on I didn't look it.

It was me having an unrelated check up with my mum there, when my weight was commented on that caused a penny to drop. I was underweight, double chin, moon cheeks and all.
My dad then started looking up ways to correct a double chin so I didn't look fat...

A general health check up (covering weight, puberty, healthy eating etc) and chat with the GP could really clear it all up OP.

She sounds ok to me, if she has put on a bit of pudge recently and filled out a bit she might be due to gain a couple of inches as well, like they do when they are toddlers and suddenly their leggings are three inches above the ankle almost overnight, especially if you and your DH are a bit above average height then she may well turn out to be too. She's 14, her body is still developing and she is not yet fully grown.

However, by all means though give her information and choices about what she eats and "relinquish control" over her eating while she's still under your roof. My mum never did, food just appeared and I ate it, so when I left home I was like the child in the sweet shop (and still am, although I recognise that I am now a grown-up and it's my problem to sort but goodness me it's a hard one to break). It was healthy food too, we had a balanced diet with treats and things - but the problem was that I never had to think about it.

I'm guessing that the OP won't say how old she is (as in is she just 14 or nearly 15) and her weight, because her DD isn't overweight.

The NHS website states that a girl who is 5ft 2" and turns 14 today can go up to 9st 2lbs and still be in the "healthy" range. I suspect that is more than a size 10...

Sheesh.
Yes it's obviously TERRIBLE ADVICE to suggest to our offspring that they might like to join us in getting fitter or eating more healthily . How could I think of suggesting something so DANGEROUS and SKEWED , how could anyone want to follow such POOR and UNHEALTHY advice?

Crazy me, dunno what I was thinking.

Again some mis - direction, perhaps unintended. No one is saying donuts are great.

It was the comment that size 8-10 wasn't slim for a taller woman, and "not great" for 5"2, when objectively it's perfectly average for 5"2.