Confronting a 14 year old about weight gain

[proudmama2772]

Anyone else done anything like this. I'm really interested in hearing others stories - because I just had a difficult conversation with my ds.

I've been concerned about her weight gain for nearly a year now, but never said anything. I started jogging with her and then didn't keep it up. There is no way to discuss this without causing upset and I don't want her to be uncomfortable with her body. She has gone up two dress sizes and the weight gain seems to be escalating. She is 5' 2" and is a size 10. Most of the girls at her school look overweight to me and I know many of them have unhealthy eating habits. They buy donuts before school or will eat an entire bag of crisps. My ds thinks she is under average for her age - I don't think so.

When she is at home she doesn't seem to overeat - but I will stop her. Stopped buying sweets, cookies, ice-cream. I felt like I had to say something because I think she is doing this while she is out with her friends.

Ughhh.

it is terrible advice to reinforce to a poster that she is correct in thinking that a 14yo girl who is a size 10 is overweight

perhaps you could address that point you made, ragged

make sure you do it in that same passive aggressive way though, there's not enough passive aggression on these sorts of threads i have found

Anyfucker yes. And not enough conflation.

You had a difficult and confrontational conversation with your DD in which you told her she was on the road to obesity?

Not a good way to build communication and trust

Well if my DD is a size 20 when she's 14 that will be a lot if weight gain!

I too would wonder how to approach it.... OP has had a really hard time on this thread for worrying about her DDs long term health.

Who's a size 20 at 14 Lynnette confused

OP's dd is a healthy size 10....

And ragged implying that size 8-10 is a healthy weight only if one is tall is ridiculous - I suspect you are actually quite underweight but won't admit it.

MY DD is 14, 5ft 3 and size 10 - eats extremely unhealthily, does no exercise (except a 1.5 mile daily rushed trek to the supermarket and back for her lunch). But she has to make the right decisions for herself - in a few short years she will be completely out of my control - she has to learn to make the right choices for herself.
We measured her and put her onto the NHS BMI calculator she comes within a healthy weight -she is about 3/4 of the way along - and I am happy with that as she is broad across her chest and hips (with no 'fat' on her ribs she had an underbust measurement of 33.5 at 11 ...I am broad too - and overweight now - but always had a back and shoulders like a bricklayer).

I tell her she isn't fat - she has a fantastic figure -but she has to watch it. You can't shovel crap down your throat and do no exercise and not get fat. Especially next year when she won't be walking as far everyday at lunch. We have talked about what kind of exercise she might like doing -sadly their is very little bar the obvious that are targeted at her age range - she quite fancied 'boxercise' but she has to be 18. I have told her (I am living proof) it is extremely easy to get fat and a lot harder to lose it -better not to get fat in the first place. I have also told her I will always be completely honest with her - if I can't be no-one can. If she is getting fat I will tell her, if she is looking underweight I will tell her... She is making (slightly) healthier choices, but it is down to her - I will help when I can but won't police what she eats.
That is the advice I would give - to be honest and open - except I really think you are worrying about nothing - she doesn't sound overweight, height has nothing to do with dress size. If you are worried measure her and put her on the NHS calculator. I have a friend with a DD of a similar age but has always had weight issues (underweight) -as a teen she is very thin - when she did fill out a little she was fretting she was getting fat - the mother did the same to reassure her that she was ok ...
Maybe you should do that together -to put your and her mind at rest...

Lynette size 10, not size 20! As in quite average build, not extremely slender or large. The kind of build most people would feel reassured by ie neither overweight nor too skinny.

She also says to her "most" young people are really fat.

She seems primarily concerned with the "problem" of her objectively average/healthy child looking fat.

There's no size 20 kid in this story, bar possibly in the OPS body-image-issue imagination.

Sorry, fat fingers...was posting on phone

I meant size 10.

Many 14 year olds are size 10, and healthy.

If my DD is a size 10 at 14 she will have put on a lot of weight, but then she's below a healthy BMI...MN view on this is "somebody has to be".

MN seems very sensitive about weight.

I've just been looking though old photos...when I was 16 those of us who were size 12 would have been considered large....I think I was probably an 8-10. Aged 14, I would have been an 8.

These days things are different. People are larger.

OP, I wouldn't mention size to your DD, I would just lead by example with healthy food in the house and all take exercise where you can (One of the differences between now, and in the 80's was that many of my friends came form homes where they simply couldn't afford pudding/crisps, ect, or cars - No one was malnourished, just thinner than your average teenager today).

Thanks for the info proudmama - think of it this way: at 14, she is likely to continue growing for a few years yet, and with your height and your dh's, she'll probably be around your height, maybe a bit taller.

It's very common for teenagers to grow out a bit before growing up a bit - and whilst at a size 10, imo she is a slim,healthy size, even if she puts on a bit more weight (not a problem at this point) it could be a precursor to getting taller. So unless she hits size 16 within the next few months, I really wouldn't worry.

Unlucky83 YY that's exactly what should be happening. It's so annoying that there are few sports to appeal to young women. The (daily fail backed) decision to remove dance from PE as "PC" was appalling imo. Although slightly pricy dance studios have street dance and Zumba if competition isn't her thing but she wants something lively and "young".

squizita

Most was probably not the correct adjective. Too many would have been more appropriate. I'm sorry your dad said what he did to you. I really am. That's sounds horrible. Having a second chin does not make you ugly and should not matter.

it does not make it ok for you to go into a counseling role and tell parents who try to keep their kids from buying supersized chocolate bars every day after school - claim they are trying to 'diet' there healthy weight child. You've got some anger issues - understandly so - just not directing them at the right people.

let me make it clear - my hubby and I talked to our ds about her eating habits. Not once did we say she was fat or heading to obesity. she naturally thought we were - and we steadfastly denied it. I think she is getting pudgy yes. That's fine - but many of her friends I'm sure what not fall into the healthy weight guidelines and I don't want her to join them.

I should have kep t my mouth shut and be 'as silent as an odourless fart' great advice from previous poster.

I wish I had. I can't control everything she puts into her mouth and commenting on it is only going to upset her. I should have just found her an exercise program and shut-up.

The word "confront" perturbed me. It's aggressive and accusatory. If you'd said chat or discuss - ok. But it sounds like you went in hammer and tongs, blaming her for putting on weight. Try and stick to talking about healthy choices.

Is she trying to fit in and hence is eating what the others eat?

Missed the part where the OP says most young people are really fat.

I did read;

Most of the girls at her school look overweight to me and I know many of them have unhealthy eating habits.

I think there are too many young girls getting obese.

The OP has a point, IMO.

And picking apart a OP word by word, seriously? Tackle/approach/confront......the OP was probably just typing out a thread title with out too much thought or editing before pressing post.

Remember folks, don't post in the parenting topic if you want advice on your DDs weight gain.

Proudmama thanks but I'm not angry and there's no need to be patronising.

I am being frank and honest, because (and I'm not alone here), based on the precise words and opinions expressed at the start of this thread you think your daughter is fat, will end up obese etc.* Initially you called any disagreement "haters" too.

Since then, you have changed the language you've used, and presented a far more moderate tone. If your words and reported actions had been like that from the start no one would be aghast as they have been.
But the simple fact is, the Proudmama of post 1 sounded disgusted and like she had a strange idea about normal weight ... only after many, many posts did a new more sensible poster appear.

If, as you say, you chose a wrong adjective (or indeed content) in your early posts, then can you concede how this has made everyone get the wrong impression?
All we have are the words you write.
If you write about some pretty full in opinions using strong adjectives, you can't blame people for thinking those are your true feelings on the matter.

In all honesty - there are mums out there who do thinks like force their daughters to diet, fake tan and all sorts - I'm not saying for a moment you are like them - but the language they use is quite extreme like the "most" example. And they aren't exaggerating - they believe it.

This is perhaps why people are touchy and worry about such language.

I agree that op has backtracked massively on this thread

squizita

It's a blog - I'm not being especially careful with my terminology. It's easy to get the wrong impression. But if you are in a counseling role - you need to be more careful listening to people before jumping to conclusions and suggesting they need social services or some other kind of intervention.

My mum used to tell me to stop eating that- you'll get fat. this is not the reason anyone starves themselves. I thank her for it. When I was 16 I had a good figure and was healthy. I want my ds to have the same experience.

I just need to change my approach.

Also interesting that she hasn't actually said that she is overweight in anything other than her opinion.

Lynette we should absolutely 100% discuss weight with young people, in terms of concern, if they are overweight. Not if they look a bit different. Not if they seem to be hungrier. Not if they are fuller figured.

Yes if you weigh them on some decent scales then calculate their age bmi and they are too big then.

But the OP doesn't actually know what her dd weighs.

We absolutely should talk about eating a balanced diet and taking exercise daily with every child. But with girls (and it always seems to be girls) we shouldn't just make it about "or you'll get fat". Enough iron, calcium, vitamins, fibre ... All important female health issues regulated by diet.
I know of very slim girls who eat crap. Just less of it! Because we live in a world where if you're a slim girl you're healthy.

So if threads pop up about healthy eating or an actual weight/BMI they tend to get a more accepting response.

Maybe because the OP hasn't actually weighed her DD, and checked...y'know, so as not to cause an issue.....

I was reading accurately what you wrote Proudmama. With care.
You then said what you wished you'd said in the first place.

I understand it might make you uncomfortable to think people found your OP far far more extreme than you intended (not just me).
I understand you might feel "that's not what I meant!".
But you are a literate adult. It's not for everyone else to second guess you.

I think there is already an issue and a huge back story to their relationship.

I think op knows what her daughter weighs but has refrained to post it here for reasons known only to herself and me, and squizita

But I suspect the OP and her DH knows her DD well enough to be able to tell visually how healthy her DD is.

I can see DS2 is chubbier than is idea atm....I don't care what the charts say.

I can see DS1 is perfectly healthy....I don't care what the charts say.

I also worry that DD doesn't eat any food between 7.30 am and 4.30pm on a school day, and her BMI is below healthy. I can see she's thin, and don't need a chart to tell me that.

Any"$%er

I wouldn't dream of weighing her. Is your point I am obsessed with her appearance so I must be forcing her to log her weight?