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Parenting

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Original poster

My kids are gigantic entitled lazy gits, is it too late to turn them around or are we all screwed?

131 replies

Barbarella · 02/04/2015 21:34

We have a nice house and life
Plenty of cash
Cleaner comes 5 times a week
Nanny also here after school, 5 days

Cleaner is off over easter - I've just realised that none of them pick up after themselves AT ALL. Because cleaner or nanny always do it

I'm at home for ten days and am horrified by what entitled little swines they are. WWYD?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Philoslothy · 03/04/2015 13:38

My children have their faults but they are not lazy and I think that is because even though we have the finances we have rarely had a cleaner and they have always had chores. They have grown up watching adults scrub the toilet and pick up after themselves and they have been expected to do the same.

I would cut back on the cleaner and set chores.

Twoplus3 · 03/04/2015 13:38

I'm sorry to have to tell you this but this is all down to you and the choices you've made. So what if you have three children (which by the way 18 years old is a fully grown adult!) I also have three children, I used to work 60 hours a week earning really good money, so did my dh and we didn't feel the need to employ a nanny or a cleaner.

Why should your children have everything done for them, being treated like royality when they are capable, at the ages they are, of picking up after themselves. So what if you've got money, a nice life etc, so have lots of people but they make sure that the housework is split evenly between all members of the household, ensuring that their kids do not grow up to be spoilt, selfish, lazy, entitled adults. So in reference to your question, yes I think it is too late to turn things around, you chose to let them become this way so you now have to deal with the repercussions.

theDudesmummy · 03/04/2015 13:42

I have a DH who irons! If I didn't I would either pay someone or learn to do it. Not a big deal that I didn't iron as a child. I think, OP, that you shouldn't worry too much about the actual skills they may lack at present, as long as they are nice kind people with an open approach to learning and change as necessary.

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SecretSquirrels · 03/04/2015 13:48

There is a similar thread on teenagers

My two pennorth?
They are not much different from any other teen and a collection of plates and wrappers is nothing.
I believe it's a good idea to teach them how to do all the domestic chores but not necessarily to enforce a rota of jobs. I certainly wouldn't make it a battleground. So they should all know how to clean a bathroom, do the laundry, cook a meal, hoover up etc. That doesn't mean I think they should be made to do those things all the time. If you have a cleaner or you have the time yourself then a token effort is enough.

bishboschone · 03/04/2015 13:49

We had a cleaner when we were young in a big house while parents worked . It took me a long time to learn to clean as an adult as it just wasn't something I was taught to do . I think maybe it would be an idea to
Try and teach them . I turned out ok but it took me a while .

Roussette · 03/04/2015 13:49

My DC's went through a lazy phase at this age, I had a cleaner once a week but I had to clean up before the cleaner cleaned IYSWIM.

I was forever trying to get them to clear up their crap, not easy. However, I tried my best not to let them get away with it and the excuses just did not wash with me.

If I could offer one tip, it would be this:
get them to pay the deposits on any flat they move into (Uni or otherwise). I'm sure they have Christmas money or savings or whatever. If they pay the deposit, they are the ones to get the money back (or not get it back, as the case may be). To get it back they have to clean up the flat/halls to a certain level. If you (mum or dad) have paid the deposit, they don't care and you end up going up there cleaning up for them to get your money back. That really worked for me and it taught mine something. (One of them lost her deposit - about £350. Tough. She should have cleaned her room to the right standard)

Roussette · 03/04/2015 13:51

Ooops posted too soon. Meant to say - being hit in the pocket does tend to focus the mind of a lazy teen and somehow they 'learn' to clean!

theDudesmummy · 03/04/2015 13:55

I totally disagree twoplus. Why shouldn't people have as much domestic help as they want and can afford? This attitude of well, your house is only X large so you should be getting by on Y amount of cleaning hours at the most or there is something morally wrong with you is baffling to me. I don't need a chocolate biscuit but I wanted one and could afford to buy it so I ate one. I am sorry if someone else cannot afford their own biscuit, but it's not morally wrong for me to have mine. When I was growing up my parents didn't need multiple live-in staff (we had a small house and garden and my mother didn't work) but they wanted them and could afford them. So what? I disagree that this has harmed me in any way, as I said, I am perfectly able to fend for myself!

KittyFan83 · 03/04/2015 13:58

Don't worry too much - I was always the messiest kid ever (my bedroom would be carpeted in several layers of sketch paper, with no bit of carpet in sight, not to mention all the toys strewn like island archipelagos throughout it all….).

Then I got a bit better in my teens, less mess but I developed a nasty habit of leaving tea/coffee mugs until they'd gone horribly moldy!!

By uni, I figured out the importance of staying clean and tidy on the home front, and now I'm living in a pretty minimalist flat - when my mum came to visit me, she nearly had a heart attack from the surprise of it!!

That said, if you can put boundaries in place now to get them doing all the basic chores for themselves, they ail THANK YOU FOR IT BIG TIME once they go off to uni and all their mates end up ruining their clothes in the wash, and theirs are all fine ;)

noodle8000 · 03/04/2015 14:01

My dd isn't old enough to try this yet but love the idea. They each have responsibilities and they get paid a small amount for them (no free allowance). If one doesn't do theirs, it goes TO THE OTHER SIBLING... Is that evil genius or what?

KatieKaye · 03/04/2015 14:09

Oh, this is so familiar!!
Not the large house and cleaner bit, but the teenage habits of just leaving everything in a trail of chaos around them and how it's just easier to do it yourself rather than get into yet another pointless argument when you come in shattered after a day at work to find a teen who hasn't even bothered to draw the flipping curtains!

and breathe.....

AS long as your DC know they are very lucky and know how to look after themselves, then I don't think you've got a whole lot to worry about. It is amazing the difference going away to university can make. the slightly stroppy and very lazy teen who left home has turned into fairly tidy young woman who works five nights a week in a call centre and is doing well on her course.

Sometimes it takes moving away from home for them to really grow up.

ppeatfruit · 03/04/2015 14:09

My dbrother is nearly 60 and although he had to clean for his pocket money when he lived at home. (we had no domestic help). Now in his own house he lives in SHIT ! He leaves his wrappers on the floor to be picked up by 'himself' ! Which he doesn't do !!

It's worse than that; his gf did his washing once and now doesn't because he throws his dirty clothes on the floor of the bedroom and she couldn't be bothered to go round picking them up.

So whatever you do, if you've got a messy child he might remain messy forever . But it's his own house .

APlaceOnTheCouch · 03/04/2015 14:33

I'm at all the comments along the lines of 'how will they survive in the real world?' It seems a bit of an over-reaction to the fact they have left some wrappers and glasses lying around. I think they'll be ok in the RL.

OP I would just reinforce that they pick up after themselves when you are there and see it happening. YY it might lead to some arguing but you can't enforce standards when you aren't there so you have to start somewhere. I'd also watch what kind of example they are seeing from your DH (only because you've already said that you do pick up after yourself).

I doubt that the cleaner minds and I'm glad you're not thinking of cutting her/his hours. I'd also be pointing out to the teenagers that people will judge them if they leave everything at their backsides. It equates to laziness and lack of respect neither of which are attractive qualities in a person. Perhaps linking their allowances to whether or not they have tidied up might help.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 03/04/2015 14:39

she couldn't be bothered to go round picking them up.
Ppeat perhaps she thought it wasn't her job to go round picking up dirty washing that your DB couldn't be arsed to put in the washing basket? I won't hunt round the house for DH's dirty washing. He's an adult. I'm not his skivvy. If it's not in the basket then it doesn't get washed.

ArcheryAnnie · 03/04/2015 14:40

I think the 18 year old's room should never be cleaned again except by them. Not the nanny, not the cleaner, just them.

And the nanny should be asked, if any of the kids leave plates, rubbish, etc in communal areas without clearing up after themselves, if she must move it, to move it into their bedrooms.

bonkersLFDT20 · 03/04/2015 14:45

We both work FTOTH so no cleaner or nanny not an option

Of course it's an option to not have a cleaner and nanny - how do you think the majority of full time working parents manage?!

You are fortunate and I'm sure you work hard, but it's still your choice to hire staff.

HagOtheNorth · 03/04/2015 14:49

But in reality OP. how bothered are you really?
I mean, it's irritating, but not a big deal. Apart from the reality of it for 10 days, but then you'll be back to work and the problem will go away again.
Is the 18 YO off to uni soon?

theDudesmummy · 03/04/2015 15:03

I agree that this really isn't a huge deal. There are more important things in life than tidying up when you are a teenager. If they are generally inconsiderate people and this is a symptom then fair enough to be concerned and address it. Otherwise I wouldn't really worry too much.

PastPerfect · 03/04/2015 15:08

bonkers I would imagine most working parents of 11 year olds have some sort of childcare in place

OP it's cleaning not rocket science - they'll figure it out when they have to

bonkersLFDT20 · 03/04/2015 15:49

pastperfect Yes, probably, but OPs nanny is also a housekeeper, and with a 14 and 18 year old in the house as well, while I would not expect them to mind their 11 yo sibling over the holidays, a nanny is not really necessary IMO.

Plenty of parents manage with holiday clubs, staggering their own leave, favours with other parents etc - all unnecessary if you have a nanny of course, but they are all other options.

ChocolateCherry · 03/04/2015 15:50

They all do it to some degree. My three leave things lying about. Two are messy but will tidy up with much cajoling nagging the other is very neat and keeps her room nicely and will happily pitch in.

I do a lot of moaning about bowls and glasses and wrappers lying about but they are good kids really. It's quite normal and not behaviour that'll set them on the road to ruin.

I am chuckling at the predictable posts on here tutting at the Op for having cleaners etc. Having a cleaner/help with housework seems to set some peoples disapproval dial to High for some reason. Why? Because they can afford it?

If the op's dc were being rude and ungracious to anyone working in their home that would be another matter. But they're not. They're being messy teens like millions of others up and down the land.

I wish I had a cleaner. I do have an ironing lady and a gardener though. They are brilliant and I make no apology about it to anyone.

PastPerfect · 03/04/2015 15:55

bonkers yes of course people manage with holiday clubs, staggering leave etc but it's hardly ideal. Of all the things to criticise choosing quality childcare for your DC seems a little odd.

theDudesmummy · 03/04/2015 16:22

I don't get this thing about whether a nanny etc is "necessary" or not. If you want one and can afford her, what does necessity or otherwise matter? Every single person on this thread has hundreds of things in their life which are not "necessary" but which make their life easier and more pleasant etc. Those who have more means to pay will have more such things. It's not a moral issue! UK society is really odd in that way, judging whether you "need" a cleaner etc, and for how many hours.

Regarding what is important for teenagers, look at it this way: if they don't learn to converse and socialise they will be socially isolated, if they don't learn to use technology they will be unable to function in the modern world, if they don't learn to knuckle down and study they won't get qualifications, if don't learn to be kind and fair they won't be nice people. And if they don'tt learn to tidy up...well, either they will learn to, they will have a messy home or they will use the other skills they have gained to earn enough money for someone else to tidy. Not exactly in the same league of importance as the other things.

Philoslothy · 03/04/2015 16:33

I am not judging anybody, I just know my children and they need the discipline of chores.

ppeatfruit · 03/04/2015 16:38

APlaceonthecouch I wasn't criticising his gf at all, I agree why the hell should she bother if he can't or won't care?

But it's interesting that he was trained as a child to be tidy. I was thinking maybe he's still in teenage rebellion mode!!

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