Is it harmful to leave a baby to cry for short periods?

[RevoltingPeasant]

DD is 7 w old and DH is back at work now. DD is a pretty placid baby but doesn't like to be put down, so I'm normally holding her or she's in a sling. Fine!

But, there are times when I just can't hold her and get stuff done. For example, showering or making a hot drink.

So far, my attitude has been, if she is somewhere safe and warm, with a clean nappy, it is not the end of the world if she cries for periods of, say, 3-7 minutes whilst I dash about boiling the kettle, or hop under a hot shower. I have taken the view that me being washed for the day matters more.

But sometimes she sounds quite desperate when she cries. Am I being cold and damaging her by leaving her for short periods? Or is this inevitable and something everyone does?

A couple of minutes if you really have to, more than 4 or 5 minutes no way. She is 7 weeks which is tiny and very scary for her especially if she is used to a parent always being right there.

Surely she sleeps so make tea then?

Shower before DH leaves?

As someone said these phases don't last long and she will soon be able to be left with a toy etc for a few minutes.

I'm not saying it's easy but this is a tiny 7 week old we are talking about.

Someone may have said this already but if she was your second child you'd have to put her down and get on with it. DS2 is frequently left to cry for a few mins at the time simply because I only have one pair of hands and DS1 often cries more loudly...! Or his cries are at least more articulate!
I feel bad about it and try to call reassuring things to him but not much I can do. He spends most of his time in a sling so plenty of cuddles so I don't think it can harm him. To be honest he's done far more crying IN my arms, esp at bedtime when frantically overtired, than on his own. He'll survive, all second children do. Nothing wrong with a bit of benign neglect. Especially for a cuppa

Summer, she sleeps in the day on me! If I got up and showered when DH was still at home it would cut 2ish hours of sleep from my night (DD cluster feeds till about 12.30/1am, sleeps for 3-4 hours till about 4-5 am, then feeds for an hour and goes back down till around 9am - DH leaves for work around 7am or 7.30).

I used to put DD2 in a bouncy in the bathroom, so she could see and hear me, this eventually led to me taking her into the shower once I was clean and I would rinse her off too. I used to look forward to those showers....... X

In answer to your question - no imo it is not in the least bit harmful for babies to cry for short periods! Crying is the babies only real way of communicating, so they aren't crying because they are sad or afraid, they may just want to shout a bit and sometimes I don't even think they know why they are crying!!

I also think for them to learn how to cope with short amounts of frustration can only be a good thing.

If she sleeps well in her bed at night I would be looking to put her down for naps in the day as well.

People with more than one child just wouldn't be able to keep up this level of velcroness. But I agree with bouncy chair so your baby can see you if it is for longer periods. But not to be able to make a cup of tea. That's madness.

Babies used to be put out in the pram in the garden most of the day.

The 'rules' of mothering have gone from one extreme to another!

If you want to have a DC who grows up thinking they are the centre of the universe and you are nothing but their slave and that they will always get everything they want as soon as they want it then as a parent it's your choice to pursue that parenting path.

Personally I'd rather have DCs who learn to adapt to the world they are born into.

I really don't see how choosing to minimise leaving a tiny newborn crying turns them into a spoilt brat Jackie. That is as daft as arguments at the other extreme.

Girlie sorting naps is on my list! But I thought I'd give it till she is about 9-10w old. Then I was going to very gently encourage her to nap in Moses basket or cot during day, hoping to achieve independent napping over the course of 2-3 weeks. Am using No Cry Nap Solution. But I thought 7w was too young still!

I should say she doesn't cry every time I pur her down - just quite often!

I had a clingy newborn and I found a cheap vibrating bouncy chair was the first thing I could successfully put him down in without crying. I invested in a couple so I had one permanently in the kitchen and one in the bathroom.

Jackie I don't hold with "pandering" to DC - I will expect DD to pick up after herself, apply herself at school, be respectful,to,elders etc - but surely not at 7w?

Afaik she cries because she needs attention - nappy change, lonely or scared and needs cuddle - but I'm just trying to balance between that and my own need to eat, wash, etc.

Revolting - I am a firm believer in the idea of a 'fourth trimester'. It really does take three months for a lot of babies to be used to being on the outside. At 7 weeks, a neighbour joked she'd never seen DD1's face as she was always in the sling. Always. By 12 weeks she was like a different baby. In fact, at times you had to put her down to stop her crying.

We wore lo in the sling pretty much 24/7 for the first 3 months, making food, playing with older siblings, in the shower etc.

A 2 minute cry whilst you pee is different from a 5 minute cry making tea. Parenting is about compromise so whilst baby is still so tiny the compromise might be missing some cuppas until baby is able to entertain herself for a short time.

Could you try making up a flask or one of those commuter cups for when lo is sleeping?

Hmm, it's difficult and I think you'll get two contrasting opinions on this thread..
Personally though I don't think it does them any harm to cry for a few minutes, I think it helps baby's to learn how to self regulate and there will be times when baby needs to be put down, when you're on the toilet, getting dressed etc. I also believe that it does them the world of good to properly exercise their lungs (for a short while and as long as you know they're fed/dry/safe etc.) and crying is their only way of expressing themselves for quite a while, I don't think you should stifle that at every opportunity!

Penguins agreed! I do find that idea useful.

And yes, sometimes of an evening she will thrash about on my lap and not want to feed, and then if I put her down for 5min she's quite happy!

But that's never when I need to get some food or have a poo

Skeeter I have a commuter cup but DD only naps on me!

Eg, we got home after a walk at 4.30. I made myself a cup of tea with hrs still in buggy but she twigged she wasn't being walked halfway through and started crying. I finished up as fast as poss, grabbed her and sat down with her and tea in lidded cup.

I have sat intermittently feeding her and watching her sleep on my lap for 2.5 hours but I now need a wee. If I pop her down in Moses basket while I dash to loo she will most likely be howling before I am sat on loo.

I will try bouncy chair tip though and being as quick as poss!!

Crying is not a baby's only means of communication, in fact it's one of the last means of communication they use to get their needs met.

Skeeter I know, and I try to pay attention to other cues normally - feeding cues, signs of tiredness.

I just think DD is very cuddly and feels alone when not being held!

Totally agree with PP that DC2 gets left to cry a whole lot more! I'm on my second now and he absolutely has to be left for 5 mins sometimes whilst I tend to DS1 who has fallen over/done a poo/wants food etc etc. 5 mins is totally reasonable IMO as long as the baby is in a safe place like his bouncer. I think the whole 'flooding brain with terrible hormones' has been totally over blown and just leads to guilt tripping.

Don't deny yourself a wee!

Putting the baby down because you need a wee is fine. It's two minutes.

Transitioning between positions and temperatures (ie in mummy's warms arms to lying down with no movement) is a learned skill, it takes development of the vestibular system.

If you think about it in terms of standing at the edge of a cliff, you feel anxious and off balance but if your harnessed to a strong anchor you feel safe.

Once a baby has a better developed vestibular system they tend not to need their anchor quite as much.

You can see the development of the vestibular system with baby holding her head in midline, bringing hand together and starting to lift their legs up when lying on their back.

It DOES get easier.

Penguins don't worry, I'm not going to have an unfortunate accident in the living room ;)

More just an example of how I can't do stuff when she's sleeping because all daytime sleep is on me or in car or buggy whilst moving!

I can't bear to let my dd cry (but actually have some issues around anxiety and worry) ... However after she was born I did have to leave her now and then to pee/poo. Even my most woo/attachment friends had to convince me that it was ok.

However I found it kindest (to both of us) to shower when dh was home at night, then wash in the morning with her in a bouncy chair/popping in and out as she slept. I also made tea that way. Luckily she has never been too much of a crier - the HV described her as "asking" ... tears mean she has a need, fulfil it and she cheers up.

I do sympathise. I've been there (three times). It passes. Really. Really. Fast.

The best two things you need are:

• bouncy chair that vibrates here
• coffee machine that keeps a jug warm here