Complaining neighbours

[rubypearl]

I'm really cross - I have just had a call from social services following up a complaint made against me to the NSPPC.

It seems it was my neighbours who have complained about me shouting at my children. They reported shouting at a 13 yr old and 4 yr old.
I have 2 yr old and a 10 yr old. They said that I was not aggressive nor did they see signs off mistreatment - just that I shouted at my eldest.
3 of the dates they gave my daughter was away with my parents, and on in e occasion the neighbours were 'unhappy to hear that I had asked my daughter to take some things out of her bag'.
I am so angry! Social services have said that it sounds malicious and are NOT looking to follow it up.
I feel like I have been slapped and am so humiliated to even think about bumping into them.
I do occasionally shout - do doesn't? But I do also live in a large 3 story town house, so sometimes shouting is inevitable.
I feel that I am now a prisoner in my home with my neighbours, who do not have children, sat next door judging my every sound!
The fact that my daughter is thriving at school and that a date was obviously completely made up makes me really cross with my neighbours.
Sorry to rant but not sure what to do - apart from carry on and hold my head up high (whilst giving them the occasional glare)!!!

But you say you do shout at your children.
Are you angry because you shout or because they have reported you to the NSPCC for shouting?
I feel for you, because it is hard bringing up children but shouting is really bullying.
Although being reported is a shock, at least it is making you think about what you are doing.
I am sure that you are a good Mum and every time you behave with patience towards your children you will be rewarded in shed loads when they are older.
They only have one childhood and you only have one go at providing them with memories that are full of mutual respect. Shouting is disrespectful.

Holeinmyheart think saying shouting is bullying and disrespectful is a bit silly.

My eyes could not be rolling further back in my head at the above post.

Shouting is disrespectful. There's a contender for the worst advice seen on MN thread.

Are the neighbours usually a bit odd?

Obviously you're upset and disturbed by this, t once you are able to calm down then the only thing to do is to hold your head high, don't engage with them about it, and carry on as usual.

I was shouted at when I was young by a spiteful and disrespectful toxic Parent. Believe me when I say that it felt violent.

It is as bad as smacking, very few children would say, 'smack me again,because I really enjoyed that'. The same goes for being shouted at.

On a list of desirable Parenting qualities where does shouting come ? It is definately bullying. If you start to shout then you have lost control of yourself haven't you?

Adults are responsibility for their children's emotional well being and development. Children need the adults in their home to behave like adults.

When you say shouting op, do you mean calling instructions from a distance? Or yelling as discipline at a child near by?

Quite different, and shouting at a child because you're unhappy with behaviour I dont think is the right approach.

Omg cant believe some of the responses on here. I too shout at my child occasionally (and my husband too lol). I am not abusive, an angry person or psychologically damaging anyone.

I think your neighbours sound awful op! Its a scary day when you cant even tell a child off without someone ringing social services!

Op it is horrible when neighbours give you a hard time. All you can do is try to shake it off. Which is really difficult. I had horrible neighbours in the past and it is really easy to let the things they do affect your every day life. They do sound malicious, try to remember 'it's them, not me'.

Thank you - I do not shout abusively at my children. I sometimes shout as I live in a 3 story house! I raise my voice at my 10 yr old but not abusively!
I think the world has gone mad if we are judged to be abusive when trying to disapline. I have a very good relationship with nth my children. I am a single mum who has recently survived escaping an abusive relationship with their father - so I know the effects of being shouted at.
My neighbours are odd - one of the examples given to me was yelling my 10'yr old to remove the lipstick she had on! The complaint was stated that I was controlling her and not allowing her freedom!!!
They don't have children BTW.
My children make noise but not excessively - they are children.
How old are your children Holeinthehead? Do you never need to raise yor voice?
Much of the shouting in my house is my ten year old shouting at ME as I mainly ignore her bad behaviour and praise her good behaviour.
She is young for her school age - but is over achieving at school. I get glowing reports, she is generally happy so I am very sure I am not abusing her by telling her off! My 2 yr old calls her a grumpy camel and I have only ever taised my voice once to him when he ran near a car park.
I am gutted by my neighbours and feel so judged.
I do think people should report abuse, but I think they should be pretty certain it is abuse first. I just wish they had spoken to me or checked it out first.
Thankfully social services have been brilliant and my health visitor has called this morning offering me a cup of tea and support.
Thank you for yor support on here ladies xx

There is a bit of projecting on this thread I think. Perhaps thats what the neighbours are doing. As they say on here, this too shall pass. When my neighbours were unpleasant, it kind of took over. Couple of years on, they are rarely on my radar.

Some people project big time and come across as oversensitive and a bit touched. Our neighbour is a dick like yours, OP. We carry on as normal. If they do something like this again I would ring 101 to see if it constitutes harassment.

I've got 3 kids and a 4th on the way and I shout!! I think most parents do

Thanks ladies - I will just try to ignore it and hopefully it will pass.

I was going to say something to them - perhaps that my children are not in danger and I hope that they are pleased to know that no further action will be taken by social services but then what's the point. They have judged me and maybe it would just make things worse.
Thank you to those that have given me some perspective on the situation and made me realise it really is their problem!

Holeinmyheart - I read a lot of things on MN I don't agree with, and totally respect the right of people to all hold different opinions, but this ridiculous statement takes to to a whole new level :

but shouting is really bullying

They sound like nutters. I don't envy you, I'd feel paranoid everytime i needed to raise my voice. Either ignore or confront and explain why sometimes it's necessary to shout but apologise for disturbing them.

I have a child with autism so shouting really is bullying here due to his super sensitive ears and hatred of all things loud, so I've never shouted, I didn't need to shout teaching a class of 30 so I don't need to shout at 1 at home.

However, if I was your neighbour and heard what you describe I don't think it would even register as anything, I probably wouldn't even notice it.

Don't worry, ignore the neighbours

Sorry OP but this doesn't quite add up. They don't normally do anything on the basis of a first complaint, but would quietly make enquiries and potentially keep it on file. I don't undrstand why they would phone you. Or tell you what the neighbours said and who said it.

Actually peppermintcrayon they do!

They have to these days and they are not allowed to make many enquires without actually telling you.

They did look at if there were children in the house - but the complaint was wrong about the children!

Social services cannot just say right someone has complaint and we won't tell you what. Of course they tell you what was said or there would be nothing to talk about.
The complaint was made that I was shouting at my non existent 4 yr old. I was not on a murder charge!! They do tell you what was said so you can respond. I know I had the conversations this week!

I'm not sure what you are trying to achieve here.

Thanks katekoom - I felt paranoid last night when my 2 yr old woke upset in the night : (

Which he does a lot as my children are not great sleepers. My HV and SS have said for me to carry on what I am doing. Interestingly that both said that children NEED disapline and sometimes that kncolves raising your voice. Probably more than I am comfortable with!

To the other posters on here who never raise their voices - it must be wonderful to be so calm but please don't judge me as you do not walk ony shoes. I am not looking for excuses but I am NOT abusive yes es I sometimes shout! I am just a mum trying to do the best job I can, on my own, working, I go p/t to uni and I have had several severe knocks in life. I know I am a good mum - my kids love me and I love them.
I do think it is worrying if we cannot occasionally raise our voice to our kids!

I wasn't judging you. I just said that in my particular situation it is abusive. It isn't in yours.

I don't raise my voice no, but then I work with children and have limitless patience with them, way more than for adults it's just the way I am. I was not judging you at all and never would for what you have described.

Neither will social services

No that's not correct - safeguarding referrals are not always acted on or reported to the parents. The NSPCC refers about half of all calls to SS who do not follow them all up.

You are a good mum ruby, just keep believing that. The fact that you are so devastated by this shows you are.
I have had a similar experience which was very upsetting and I eventually moved. I think it was the feeling of being judged that got to me the most. As others have said though just keep on doing what you're doing- any reasonable person knows you have to raise your voice with children sometimes. Your neighbours are in the minority-you are the one living the busy real life that they are only listening to. They don't hear all the lovely nice things that I'm sure go on the majority of time .

sympathies op, particularly at some responses

how come the neighbours hear all this stuff? our house is fairly new but the sound proofing is not that bad. whole phrases sounds weird to hear unless you have all the windows open?

if they report you again, start a diary for harassment

Ruby you have provided us with some more information not included in your first post. You didn't say in your first post that your neighbours don't have children. I should think this had a great bearing on their complaint.

I did try with my own children not to shout, as although I felt provoked, just like any Mother alone all day with children, you get tired and they get tired. But I had experienced my Father's behaviour as an example.
I am sure that you are not abusive Ruby. I don't think I suggeted you were.

Shouting has to get to quite a level before it can be described as abusive.
Anyway I hope you are feeling calmer now.

backforgood what part of my opinion were you respecting exactly?

cupcakes and apples what supreme confidence you must have to think that shouting at your DC and DH has no impact on your relationship with them. Do they shout back? If they do, does it make you feel good? You are showing them that, when others don't agree with you or whatever, it is Ok to shout.