Too soft on DS?

[ButtercupSandwich]

Wise Mumsnetters, I need your advice.

Husband and I are having a debate about our DS who is coming up to 10.

One of us thinks he should be a bit more independent and responsible and the other does not.

More independence/responsibility in this case would mean the following...

1. a few basic chores - taking plates and cups out after meals and snacks, laying the table for dinner, putting washing in machine etc

2. not having all his homework corrected before he hands it in. Having some guidance with homework rather than often having the answers or ideas etc given to him by a parent.

3. saying hello and goodbye to relatives and guests when we/they visit.

4. turning lights off when leaving his room.

5. consequences for losing things such as helping to cover cost of replacement or chores

6. washing and showering without prompting.

7. ordering his own food in a cafe when he is with us.

Which one of us is being unreasonable? And please say if he should/could be doing some but not all of the above...

Thank you!

My 3yo twins do a lot of this - they would choose and order in a restaurant, turn lights off when leaving a room, they lay the table (slightly haphazard but cutlery will be on the table) and take their empty plates to the kitchen.
The only thing on your list I would do with a ten year old is remind him re baths (ime 10yos are happy to stink).

That all sounds perfectly reasonable, definitely helping to clear up, greeting people and ordering; all excellent life skills.

All of that, perhaps bar washing and showering without prompting (good luck) should already be happening. Should have been happening for years. He doesn't order his own food? Or take his plates to the kitchen? He should also be doing some cleaning, hoovering and ironing, helping out with meals, washing dishes, etc, just like a proper member of the family. Why have you not insisted on this, out of curiosity?

All of that is definitely reasonable for a 10yo. In fact some of them we've already started with 4yo ds - tidying his plate/ toys away and helping unload the dishwasher etc.

All of that is normal expectations, in no way over the top.

I think that's all entirely reasonable.

Agree that 10 year olds are happy to stink so yes, that's likely to need prompting or be checked up on. And if he's shy, don't make him order his food in a cafe, just make sure he says thank you as a compromise. If he's not shy, then yes it's fine.

Definitely , not OTT to expect any of that from a 10 year old. Whoever corrects his homework is doing him a huge disservice.

well, the only thing I wouldn't be happy is ironing, as I'm always worried about burning fingers/hand. I still do this....

Yes, as others have said, he should be able and expected to do all those things.

Yes tbh my 7 year old already does all those things. He is expected help with chores, lay the table, be polite greet and say goodbye, order in a restaurant, he's home ed but I don't give him answers, he has to figure it out, if he's wrong so be it, he won't learn otherwise.....etc etc.

All of the above with perhaps the exception of the bathing. He would need to be got into a routine.

But if he's still not doing all of the above then you have some bigger hills to climb first...

My two 6 year olds do the majority of these and my 10 and 12 year olds have done all (and more!) for quite some time. All valuable life skills, imo

All of the above sound perfect. A mixture of helping in the home and taking some responsibility for himself.

I do agree about reminding about bathing where necessary!

My 3 and 4 year olds do all of the above apart from bathing/ showering alone. I would expect them to be doing that in 6 years time. Also cooking/ cleaning/ knowing house maintenance/ generally contributing to household the same as an adult living there, just not as often ( ie maybe cooking once a week for family, opposed to adults cooking 6 days)

Pensioner: your dh would turn off the lights if his parents had made him do it from the time he was old enough to reach the switch!

Thank you. Reading responses with great interest.

I also meant to add:

Preparing his own breakfast cereal or toast.

Getting himself a drink of water when he wants one

And

Emptying bath water when he's finished.

He should hqve been doing all those things for at least 3 years. If he's of the soap dodger type you might still need to remind about the showers, thought.

My eldest (10 and 12) each make their own breakfast.

They cook entire meals from scratch and bake too, including washing up whatever they've used.

They empty the bath and clean it, when done!

To add, they enjoy and want to do these things. It's not labour

They all sound like things a 9 year old should have been doing for some time tbh

Most of that's good manners and being part of a family IMO. It's the least I except of my 10 year old DS.

I can't understand why he wouldn't be doing all of this already? why would you order for a 10 year-old? or clear away his plate? Or empty the bath? I really do know children half his age who would do all the things mentioned without being asked. I'd have thought it a bit embarrassing for most 10 year-olds if someone else were doing these things for them.

Again my 7 year old can easily get/make his own breakfast. He loves to cook. He prefer s a shower but will rinse pick up anything, towels into tumble or washing machine etc. And nearly always gets his own drink
Tbh he loves doing all of this, makes him feel grown up.

He sounds pandered. You're doing him no favours.

His future partner will be on MN in 15-20 years time asking AIBUs about the MIL who does everything for him.

Fix it.