Too soft on DS?

[ButtercupSandwich]

Wise Mumsnetters, I need your advice.

Husband and I are having a debate about our DS who is coming up to 10.

One of us thinks he should be a bit more independent and responsible and the other does not.

More independence/responsibility in this case would mean the following...

1. a few basic chores - taking plates and cups out after meals and snacks, laying the table for dinner, putting washing in machine etc

2. not having all his homework corrected before he hands it in. Having some guidance with homework rather than often having the answers or ideas etc given to him by a parent.

3. saying hello and goodbye to relatives and guests when we/they visit.

4. turning lights off when leaving his room.

5. consequences for losing things such as helping to cover cost of replacement or chores

6. washing and showering without prompting.

7. ordering his own food in a cafe when he is with us.

Which one of us is being unreasonable? And please say if he should/could be doing some but not all of the above...

Thank you!

actually I agree with that Lovely - unless its complete and continuing not giving a rat's arse carelessness, I wouldn't expect a DC to cover the cost of things that are lost. But my DS isn't very motivated by money (and only gets money from us) so it wouldn't really be making a point either.

Maybe your husband is worried about your ds not 'needing' him in the same way if he gets too independent?

However by making excuses for him you will be doing your ds no favours.

Just to encourage you OP, look at change in a different way (or get your dh to)

at around this age we were struggling with family dynamics a bit, and one of the things we did was to create some areas where we showed ds that we trusted him and that he had some responsibility. This was a 2 way thing. One way was that he got higher expectations as home wrt chores, homework etc.
But the flip side was that we gave him some things because he was now older.

He got a later bedtime on Fridays which also became a Mum and ds time where we watched Dr who together
He was allowed to go to friend's houses within a certain radius on his own
He was allowed to go to the library/shop (both very close to us)

and so on. It was a key moment to say you are older and we trust you and with age and trust comes some responsibility.

He really rose to it, his behaviour improved, our relationship improved and so on.

(and agree with lovely about lost stuff, it would depend on the stuff and the circumstances, ds lost his new coat on the train in the first month of secondary school, there was no way I was going to charge him, he was finding getting himself there and back in one piece with all his stuff hard, I was pleased that it was the only thing lost. if he did it now I would be less impressed)