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Original poster

"My Parents Did X to Me, So I Will Never Do X to My Child" ...

115 replies

NotQuiteCockney · 17/10/2006 10:28

To what extent do you consciously decide to do the opposite of what your parents did? To what extent do you consciously decide to do the same as your parents did? Or do you do either unintentionally?

I find I'm doing some of it on purpose (I don't hit my kids) and some of it by accident (I sometimes mock my kids the way my parents mocked me , but also, DS1 is 5 and rides a bike. I learned to ride at 12.)

From conversations with my sister, I gather her and her DP have Policies on a fair few of these things: He was often cold as a child, and so does not Ever want his child to be cold, so my sister must Always carry a coat etc etc. Is this normal? Or strange?

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CountessDracula · 17/10/2006 10:30

I try not to shout as my Dad was quite shouty.

Otherwise my parents were pretty amazing so I tend to go along with a lot of the stuff they did

TBH you can't go wrong with masses of kisses and cuddles and telling your kids how much you love them and how fab they are. And what tossers they are when they are iykwim.

QueenQuootieSpookypieBee · 17/10/2006 10:32

My mum hit me, I wont be doing that.
My parents never came to horseshows with me... ill always go and watch my DC
DHs parents made hell for him when he went out with me - we wont be doing that
The list could be endless!

Greensleeves · 17/10/2006 10:32

If I'm honest then I think a lot of the way I parent is a reaction to the way I was brought up. It's difficult to be objective - we were all children once.

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tracyk · 17/10/2006 10:32

dh winds ds up like his father did him. It pisses the hell out of me - cos he sometimes takes it a bit too far. He winds his nephews up too (they are teenagers)and I can see that it will never stop.

CountessDracula · 17/10/2006 10:32

I think I would draw the line at going to horse shows

QueenQuootieSpookypieBee · 17/10/2006 10:35

It was horrible going alone, with friends and their parents... They would have a picnic, make a family day out of it... and I would be alone. Means theres not one photo of any of my achievements... makes me

QueenQuootieSpookypieBee · 17/10/2006 10:36

Anothr thing, DHs dad made him idolise him and not have any hobbies/tastes/likes of his own. We wont be doing that either!

colditz · 17/10/2006 10:36

My parents treated m lik an adult who has no rights from the age of 10. I won't do that. My kids are either children, or they are adults with adult rights. You can't insist that a 14 year old go to bed at 9pm every night except the nights you tell her to stay up and babysit her younger siblings.

Pruni · 17/10/2006 10:36

Message withdrawn

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 17/10/2006 10:37

Of course how we parent will be a reaction to (or a copy of) how we were parented ... And I guess it's better to be conscious of these things - I really need to cut down on winding the kids up.

But I just found the "we have decided we will never do X" thing a bit annoying. It's interesting that both my sister and I had the same parents, but came away with fairly different lists of things not to copy ...

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colditz · 17/10/2006 10:38

I know what you mean Queen Wuootie, I used to be in a brass band (yes it is just like brassed off!) but my parents never once came to see me. Even now they have no idea wehich instruments I can play and which I can't.

It was so sad when I used to go and hang around my friend's mum and dad, and they were giving her all the well dones, and I didn't want to stand too close because it would have been rude - but I didn't want to go and stand on my own either.

Charleesunnysunsun · 17/10/2006 10:39

My parents used to say 'because i said so' alot and 'because im the adult' it used to bug the hell out of my that they could make a rule without a reason so i vow never to do that to my kids.

ghosty · 17/10/2006 10:40

I won't force feed my children and make them finish their plates (although they have to make a good effort to eat the meal) ... I respect them when they say they have had enough .... and as far as I can I try to respect their likes with food - although I have to be careful with DD as she would live on sausages and cake if she could
I never liked peas and still don't like them - was made to eat them at least 3 times a week ... and when I go home now my mother STILL puts a spoon of peas on my plate . Why couldn't she give me brocoli every night?

Pruni · 17/10/2006 10:40

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WelshBoris · 17/10/2006 10:41

My parents fed me shit, thats the only thing Id change.

Apart from that they were caring, loving, supportive parents who tried their best for me and my brothers

AnAngelWithin · 17/10/2006 10:42

I will always hug and kiss my children and tell them that I love them. I go to as many of their plays/assemblys/events/parents evening as I can (probably 98%) I will never hit my children. I will never let anyone sexually abuse my children. I will never favour one of my children over the other. I will never tell my children that I wish they had never been born. I will praise my children when they are doing well. I will not ground my children and make them do sishes for every night for a month. I will not lock my children in their room from the second they come in from school til tea time and then send them straight to bed til the next morning. I will not ban them from coming out of their room every night so that they have to wee out of the window in desperation in the middle of the night. I will never make comments about my childrens weight to the point they end up with eating disorders.

So no. I will never treat my children like I was treated.

MerlinsBeard · 17/10/2006 10:42

i was abused as a child so yes, i am always conscious of how i parent. I was never told i was good at anything so i make sure that i tell my children when they do something good. They feel loved (which i never did) and i tell them i love them (which i never was). As tehy get older, i want to support them whatever they dom even if it means i have to stand on a football pitch in the freezing cold. I danced when i got older but my dad has never seen 1 show, he has never heard me sing, nor has he ever asked how a show went. my mum has been to 2 shows.

DP and i differ slightly, he had a fantastic childhood so i don't really think he understands why i insist on things being a certain way. I just want my choldren to be happy with who they are and i don't think he realises. he takes a lot for granted as he never to struggle financially either. (mum was single parent from when i was 7 while dad f*ked off with the girl next door)
And we were always cold too, as we couldn't afford the heating on all the time so i always take acoat/jacket out, even in summer.

sorry, didn't mean to waffle. once i started i couldn't stop

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 17/10/2006 10:42

Yeah, my parents were big on making us finish things. Also, my mom's cooking was terrifyingly bad, which didn't help.

I have kept their "you must try things" rule, while my sister has (I think) ditched that. I've also kept my mom's attitude of avoiding sugary foods, generally.

OP posts:
ghosty · 17/10/2006 10:43

for AnAngelWithin and Mumofmonsters ....

lucycat · 17/10/2006 10:45

oh mom

I think you're a great mum, your ds (J's friend) is an absolute credit to you and your dp, you're doing a great job.

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 17/10/2006 10:45

I think my parents were ok. They didn't abuse us, they kept us fed and warm. But they weren't very positive people, they didn't do praise in a big way. Both DH and I had the "you got 95%? What happened to the other 5%?" experience

I think his parents generally did a better job, at least, things were orderly and meals happened on time, and I think he and his sister felt reasonably cherished ...

OP posts:
AnAngelWithin · 17/10/2006 10:46

yeah the finshing dinner rule applied here too. And if I didn't eat it then I had to have it cold for breakfast the next morning. After a beating that was

MerlinsBeard · 17/10/2006 10:46

angel, i am the same with my boys and their eating. if they have had a reasonable amount (taking into account what DP has sneaked them b4 a meal) then they can leave the table. I have always been a fussy eater but when, at 8, my mum used to make me feel bad for not finishing a meal i just didn't eat it and she used to force in down my throat or keep on serving it up for breakfast/lunch/tea until i ate it

pablopatito · 17/10/2006 10:47

One thing, when I was 16 my girlfried dumped me and I was, to say the least, extremely upset and depressed about it. My dad said "never mind, son, one day you'll look back and laugh".

Well, 18 years later, and I'm still not laughing. So I've made a note not to trivialise things that happen when you're young: they're just as real and distressing as things that happen when you're an adult, often more so.

AnAngelWithin · 17/10/2006 10:47

oh mumofmonsters. I feel for you. really i do. i know how you feel.