"My Parents Did X to Me, So I Will Never Do X to My Child" ...

[NotQuiteCockney]

To what extent do you consciously decide to do the opposite of what your parents did? To what extent do you consciously decide to do the same as your parents did? Or do you do either unintentionally?

I find I'm doing some of it on purpose (I don't hit my kids) and some of it by accident (I sometimes mock my kids the way my parents mocked me , but also, DS1 is 5 and rides a bike. I learned to ride at 12.)

From conversations with my sister, I gather her and her DP have Policies on a fair few of these things: He was often cold as a child, and so does not Ever want his child to be cold, so my sister must Always carry a coat etc etc. Is this normal? Or strange?

QueenQuootieSpookypieBee - me too re: horse shows! Even as an adult if I came home with a big silver trophy for cross-country over some course that had terrified the life out of me my dad would say something like 'What did you get that for..? Egg & Spoon race against the 10 year olds?! followed by chortling. Luckily for me I had a friend whose family were into the whole day out thing and would really make a fuss of me. When I was younger they'd often come back and give me & the pony a lift home in their trailer - we all used to hack about 10 miles to shows in those days. I have got ONE photo of me as a child on the pony, though - one day the local paper came along and took loads and my parents allowed me to order one.

ah tref, Egg In A Cup

I was often hungry as a child, so I am pretty determined that my dc won't ever be hungry if I can possibly help it.

foundintranslation

do we have the same mother?

I would rather die than be like her.

She was fine when we were little - stay at home mother, yada yada, but a MONSTER when we hit adolescence.

She detests my husband - it used to be my brother's wife but now she's ok - and has given me nothing but grief since my son was born.

I bought a book on borderline personality - there are also some good sites on the net about it.

It is her to a T.

If my child comes home having got 98% on a test I will celebrate and tell them I am proud instead of saying 'you should have got 100% - do better next time'
I had a lovely upbringing for which I am very grateful but my mum had very high expectations of me and pushed me very hard - I had to be the best at everything and I wasn't.
I have been seeing a CPN for PND and she thinks that how I feel about myself is because of this. I want to be the best at everything and get very upset if I cant do something, I have an intese need to be liked and wear myself ragged by taking on too much because of this. I feel quite good about myself this week because I have worked and earned money, spent lots of time with my DSs (have worked at night) and been doing my Uni work but I am compltely exhausted. I am only happy with myself when people see me doing sooo much and (outwardly) coping beautifully. Pathetic really and so tivial compared with what some of you have gone through.

schneebly - yes, me too. My earlier post about horse shows was totally mirrored in everything else i undertook. One of my friends recently expressed amazement that I don't 'give myself credit' for anything - I only see what has gone wrong or what I haven't done that I could have. And I was Chairman of the PTA, Sec of the Residents Assoc, Vice Chair of Scout Group etc. So I try to make a big effort to praise my kids for all their achievements - whilst recognising their limitations.

It is scary how these things have such a profound and lasting effect - parenting is a minefield isnt it?

You're not kidding! I was far too paranoid when mine were tiny and my ds1 is still a worrier. I made a real concsious effort not to be like it from when he was about 5 but it's obviously had an effect. ds2 is far more laid back. Really we should all have about 9 kids so that we know how to treat them once we get further down the line!

(I put both my kids outside for naps ... or rather, left them in the front garden, outside, if they'd fallen asleep while we were out. But then, I'm trying to raise mine to be Hardy Canadianish sort of English people.)

I once did an experiment to see how long it would be before my mum phoned me if I didn't do it first.

It was 4 years.

Needless to say, I'm going to be an interfering old hag when it comes to DD - because I care. I'd much rather have the security of knowing my parents love me than knowing that they really don't care (mum told me quite happily that I was an accident).

She also didn't have a single picture of me up in the house - just [commissioned] portraits of the dogs.

I can't ever remember getting a hug. Poor old DD is hugged to death every day.

hug for arfy!

I tried to do that experiment too arfy but I cracked at 2 months.

I will not hit my children.
I will not shout at my children until I reduce them to tears with fear.
I will not worry about what the neighbours think over my childrens wishes.
I tell my 2 DS's I love them every day - Repeatedly.
I will listen to my boys, I will not let them have an absess for 3 months and then tell them I thought they were making it up.
I will not make my boys wear shorts to school for 5 years (all year round) until they use their birthday money to replace the long trousers they put a hole in when they were 5.
I will let them go out with friends after school before they are 17.
I will allow them to go to school discos as I don't believe everyone will be on drugs or molested.
I will treat my children like adults when they are 37 not like they are still 12.
I will listen to them, show them I love them, be their friend, help them, cherish them, allow them to be their own person, give them space and freedom when they want it.
I want my children to not want to leave.
I will not fuck them up.
Hopefully

The one thing I can't help doing like my parents is worrying about them. Mum still does. But you can't worry about everything to the exclusion of letting them have a life.

I forgot
PLAY WITH THEM.
PLAY WITH THEM.
PLAY WITH THEM.
I will not have children to spend no time with them.

arfishymeau - 4 YEARS???? Really???

My Mum not only happily told me I was an accident, she also said she went to the doctor for an abortion but he refused (1960) but now she was quite glad he did as she wouldn't have any grandchildren. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
You & me both re: the hugs - I told my mum I couldn't ever remember having a hug from her and she said it was because I turned into a right Daddy's girl at two. Then when I was 3 my brother came along so I never had another hug from my dad, either. (Sad, innit?)
My 2 are smothered regularly - ds2 will even do it in public and he's 11.

I would never tell my children that I 'Feel like running miles away' (even if I do). It's scary to hear your Mum say that when you are only little.
My Mum once told me when I was 14 (and complaining of how ugly I was) that I 'Wasn't ugly, just very, very plain'. Of course, she can't remember this now. I always tell my DDs that they are beautiful.
I will always try to be there and take an interest in whatever it is they are doing, even if it's not my 'thing'.
That said, my parents may have never lavished great affection on me, but I am grateful for the way they have made me independent and to realise my faults. Children who grow up thinking they are the centre of the whole universe are just as likely to end up in therapy!

I'm so sad to hear of all those who had a crap childhood
My mother was an alcoholic, she swore, fell over, had fits, shouted, hit, pissed herself, shouted at my friends and generally made our lives a misery! She dies when I was 14, I make a concious effort not to be like her in any way.

DontTellTheWife - I presume you're a man?
I loved your post. So sad for kids when dad isn't involved in their care - whether he's around or not.

Mine worship their dad - I'd like to think they they could talk to either of us about ANYTHING. Hope it stays that way forever.

great thread agree with so much of it but to close to the bone for me to post

i was having a mc and when the ambo man came to the door, mom told him to tell the neighbours that i was having stomach problems if any of them asked what was happening. mom was catholic (as far asit went-she very rarely went to church but we had to) and i was pg before marriage - oops.

when i found out mom was dying i dropped all old stuff

Very moving thread. It might be because it's early in the morning but Don'tTellTheWife's post had me in tears. I will never tell DD that she has "fat legs" or is "the clever one" not "the pretty one"...

Generally my parents did a fantastic job of bringing me and my sister up and were very supportive and spent many weekends towing horseboxes to horseshows - lucky me Queenquotie They always tried to treat me like an adult too and encouraged me to be independent and grab every opportunity going. My only two criticisms would be that they didn't always set enough boundaries - at times it would have been useful to say to my demanding boyfriend 'no I can't go out every night of the week as I have to stay in and do homework for 3 nights a week'. Consequently I went out everynight and only got 2 A levels fortunately I kicked my boyfriend into touch and myself into gear when I went to Uni. THe other thing I would change is to give my ds loads of praise and always let him know how proud I am of him. My father is very proud of me but I never knew that while I was growing up as he didn't tell me and I only found out by other people telling me when he had been talking about me (good things of course).

Josie57 your post made me think. I never had any much social life as a teenager unti I went to uni so when my oldest acquired a social life I like your parents failed to set boundaries - and now it is difficult to get the balance with school work back. Maybe the same applied to your parents. I still feel though maybe she is better off with lower grades and a life than brilliant grades like I had but being lonely.....
My husband was adamant that our son MUST choose his own clothes. He hated having all clothes bought for him till he left home. Needless to say son has zero interest in clothes and will not shop for them or even look at a catalogue. So you can't always win!

oh..I would just like to add to my earlier bit...My dad was a fantastic mum and I endevour to be very much like him, my mother drank all his money away and he is still paying for it to this day, she had numerous affairs but he was always there for my brother and I....he is the perfect mum and dad all rolled into one and I'll love him till the day I die!

i will never force my beliefs on my children like my parents did on me. it screwed me up for years. i will allow them to have their own space. i will never say "this is my house so your room is my room" thus meaning they move out when 16 just to get a little bit of privacy. i will never look through their stuff. i will encourage them to talk to me, and reassure them that i will not be shocked or angry if they're in trouble. i will not just automatically take the side of teachers or other adults if they claim my child was in the wrong.

and a whole lot of other stuff too. but i'm bored of listing cildhood grievances.

i will not leave my 12 year old dd in the house on her own so i can travel 100 miles to have a career
i will not drag her upstairs by her hair for not bring down a glass of water that had been in her room for an hour
i will not move away 100 miles for work when she unexpectedly falls pregnant at 14.without telling her !!!
i will not leave the house a mess and make my dc tidy it b/c i have a hangover and cant be bothered.
i will not drag my dc around with me to mens houses and make them be-friend my b/f's dc.
i will not make dc live with their nan for a few years b/c i cant be bothered to look after them and work is more important.
i WILL cherish every moment of there lives and make the most of every day .
i WILL make sure that they have good memories and that everything i do i remember that its their lifes too that things effect them .
i will not moan at them for eating with their mouth open when they have a cold
i will not make them eat things only i like .
i will not fill the fridge with cheese and nothing else (reason for cheese addiction )