"My Parents Did X to Me, So I Will Never Do X to My Child" ...

[NotQuiteCockney]

To what extent do you consciously decide to do the opposite of what your parents did? To what extent do you consciously decide to do the same as your parents did? Or do you do either unintentionally?

I find I'm doing some of it on purpose (I don't hit my kids) and some of it by accident (I sometimes mock my kids the way my parents mocked me , but also, DS1 is 5 and rides a bike. I learned to ride at 12.)

From conversations with my sister, I gather her and her DP have Policies on a fair few of these things: He was often cold as a child, and so does not Ever want his child to be cold, so my sister must Always carry a coat etc etc. Is this normal? Or strange?

for all these awful things that have happened!!!
that we will not be doing them to our little peeps!

NQC - 'the cold policy' seems a bit too detailed!

QQuootie - my parents never came to horseshows with me either, the fact that I still bang on about it clearly shows it had a lasting effect.

My parents weren't too interested in my education, hobbies or successes. Or failures, come to that. So far, I've been the opposite with my DCs. I also encourage a much larger social circle than my parents did.

Yeah, the "cold policy" is weird.

But anyway, I can't stand my sister's "DP", so really, almost anything he does will annoy me anyway. I guess I'm most bothered, in this instance, by the implication that having a firm policy about this is sensible rather than just a reaction against how he was raised ... but then, I'm almost never cold, so I probably just don't understand.

Wow, was thinking this a.m about childhood and up pops this thread spooooky. ok, will not wait until child is 24 to mention i love them, will remember their birthdays, will not let dh be verbally abusive because they only wanted 4 kids (i was 5th) let them go to school dirty, never go to parent nights, band concert, indeed will try and remember what year they are in at school. will not constantly say that older sister is pretty and say nothing about younger one. We were awfully neglected, however both my parents were abused. My mom's mother died when she was seven. Nobody explained ANYTHING to her, and her dad married 3 months later. The stepmom would not let them in the house, had to stay in the barn (this was in Canada and it easily got down to -30 or more) My mom and her bro and sis had to eat from the dogs dish. So Ithink my parents did the best they could. As am I. I think I'm a good mom but not perfect, but my kids are soo well loved and i am involved in their lives (and they are sparkly clean )

I have just thought of the ULTIMATE emotional horror story. My Mum had lots of cousins - one particular family had 2 girls - one sweet, pretty little thing of 7 and a 'plain' stroppy one of about 4. The older one was knocked down and killed by a lorry.
My Mum still sees the other one (they're both about 70 now) and her cousin told her recently that whenever her mother was angry with her she would tell her that she wished it had been her that was killed, not her sister!

I will not hold my children by the wrist to cross the road, nor lick a hanky or similar to wipe their face with!

Have come late to this discussion read to half way, but

I will never, never, NEVER lie to my chlld about anything, neither directly or by omission, no matter how trivial, complicated, serious or adult the subject.

I will explain in terms they will understand depending on their age.

Children are emotional sponges & know if something is wrong and will make up their own reasons why people behave differently if they are not provided an adequate, truthful explanation for behaviour and situations.
I'm only just starting to understand the damage such lies have done me and it's taken 30 years.

Phew, got that one off my chest, then.

oh, and also meant to say a huge thank you to everyone who's posted on this, there's some really good advice, tips etc. just what mumsnet is about!

have now resolved to write down my own little manifesto and get dp to add to it too.

not mocking a child when it's upset - oh yes, indeedy.

Message withdrawn

like Otter, can't bring myself to post - though some of the stories on here are worse anything I experienced. However, this thread is actually making me happy in weird sort of way - look at the huge numbers of MNers' children that are going to be raised differently .

oh yes, forgot to say, i will NEVER EVER tell my DS that when he was born i said "take it away, it's not a girl."

my MIL told my DH she said that right after she gave birth. makes me very angry. i mean, i know you must be all over the place just after labour, but imagine TELLING your DS that you'd said it?

I do boggle at the things parents tell their adult children. My mom told my sister that I was apparently an accident ... why? Why would you say that? And not to me, but to my sister, who obviously went and told me! Gah.

I want to give all of your younger selves a big, huge hug.

And I want to say well done to those people who have had some really dreadful parenting, for having the sensitivity and thoughtfulness to break the cycle with your own children.

Really interesting thread, this.

i will not have affairs
i will not beat any of my children up

lucykate

makes me realise what a stable, happy upbringing i had when i read things like that.