"My Parents Did X to Me, So I Will Never Do X to My Child" ...

[NotQuiteCockney]

To what extent do you consciously decide to do the opposite of what your parents did? To what extent do you consciously decide to do the same as your parents did? Or do you do either unintentionally?

I find I'm doing some of it on purpose (I don't hit my kids) and some of it by accident (I sometimes mock my kids the way my parents mocked me , but also, DS1 is 5 and rides a bike. I learned to ride at 12.)

From conversations with my sister, I gather her and her DP have Policies on a fair few of these things: He was often cold as a child, and so does not Ever want his child to be cold, so my sister must Always carry a coat etc etc. Is this normal? Or strange?

Don't be sorry. I am stronger now. I hope you are ok . Well as ok as you can be but you know what I mean (i hope)

My parents were very big on encouragement to interest and curiosity in things, providing a stimulating environment. I hope I've picked up on some of that - currently while parenting ds (17 months) I'm remembering snippets of things my parents did (not at 17mo obviously) - but things about books, water play, crafts etc.

But in the main I am terrified of being like my mother. Controlling, stifling and emotionally blackmailing. Specifically, if my children show signs of psychological difficulties I sincerely hope I will not flip, call them mad, break into the bathroom to drag them out, and repeatedly threaten to get them sectioned. I hope I will not consider I have an absolute right to rule their lives long past adulthood, and not cut them out of my life if they do not conform to my ideas.

Tbh I find it actually quite hard to cope with on one level when I remember something good they did - as particularly my last few years of experience with specifically my mother have been just so awful. Someone posted the other day about her ds's asthma attack and being worried she wouldn't hear him in the night, and I remembered how my mother used to give me a little bell by my bed to call her with if I had asthma in the night. This lovely, caring little good idea, this detail of caring and conscientious parenting set me off - it is just so hard to reconcile with the fact that I've now been rejected completely for choosing to spend my life with the (in her view) 'wrong' person.

you know what, in a wierd kind of way i am sort of thankful that i had the life i had and all its hardships. Don't get me wrong it was really horrible (more besides what i posted) BUT i know that i have survived that and i know that i can give my children a childhood to be (hopefully) proud of. Somedays i am stronger, most days i am not but i know now, since having my DS's, that i can love and be loved for what and who i am.

I will never be overly possessive ('It IS my business, you're mine!') or feed my kids on biccies if they won't eat their dinner [Mum]. I will also give lots of approval, so they don't have to still seek it from a dead parent in adult life [Dad].

But they did a lot right as well. One practical thing I am definitely nicking: you needn't eat anything you don't like, but you must try everything new. And my friends were always very welcome.

DP's mother spoke for him, and explained to everyone how 'shy' he was. My DS, a lovely, rather serious and reserved but cheery boy, will NEVER be called shy by us, nor do we allow anyone else to do so. Horrible word with pejorative undertones, and can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

None of this is major stuff though, is it?

My mum used to send me to the shop without enough money , and quite often too. So I'm fanatical about making sure my kids have plenty of cash wherever they are going.
I have come unstuck with though. I gave dd(15) a roll of tenners to take to the hairdressers (and give me back all the change obviously) and the little monkey got highlights and spent £80 and

FIT, I haven't had anywhere near the problems with my parents as you have, but I too am often struck by the contrast between some of my parents' uncaring behaviours, and some of their truly lovely ones.

There were some things that I promissed myself to never do when I was a kid... I am now finding myself doing the same things... I now understand my mum's reasons.

They are not terrible things though, just stuff that grown ups do which really annoys kids.

When I was little I used to fight with my brother all the time. It would get out of control and my dad would come and smack both of us and never try and work out who was to blame. I thought that was very unfair at the time and promissed myself to never do this. Can see why he did it now.

Leave them in a car outside the pub with a bottle of coke, packet of salt and vinegar crips, and only an old AA handbook to read...

I will not insist that my children wear 38 layers even if it is a cold day. I know what it is to sweat because one's mother is cold.
I will never make my dds wear tights if they don't want to. Especially at secondary school as it is a cause of extreme ridicule.

I can remember reading the AA handbook too!
I hope not to have favourites and I try to listen when they're upset about friends/school etc as my mum was never interested. And I will try not to let them look realy square and help them fit in.

Most important, mum always failed to have the right stuff in for cookery or forgot to make me a costume (or couldn't be bothered!) Try really hard to remember everything cos it always made me feel really stupid!

I've just read the rest of the thread and mine seems rather trivial now.

I never put my kids down (tell them they are stupid, lazy or rubbish at things)
I play with them and leave the housework
I make sure the house is adequately warm
I listen to their questions, answer them thoughtfully and enjoy having conversations with them and hearing their opinions
I give them kisses and cuddles and tell them I love them (but I know I don't do it enough)
I don't wallop them

All a reversal of what was done/not done to me!!

Despite all that my parents weren't that bad, just not that great. My dad was mostly absent (working) and my mum didn't like me much as a kid.

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My mum used to pretend that the sound that I made when I cried was funny. She would get the whole family to laugh at me. It was her way of dealing with a particularly weepy whiny phase I was going through. It did teach me not to cry in front of people, but it still hurt.

She taught me lots of brilliant and caring things too.

I had a great early childhood and find myself copying my parents style alot BUT they were so old-fashioned. Sometimes I find myself copying my best friends parents on certain issues because they were so COOL and treated me to a more "fun" childhood when I was at their house. Also they did shout and my parents never did,so this taught me that people can be loud and shout and still love you at the same time. I loved being at her house.

I will never spit on a cotton hanky and scrub DS's mouth with it! No matter how sticky he is, or where we are going!

I always apologise if I'm wrong.

I let my children express their opinions, even if they don't agree with mine.

I let them know that it is OK to dislike someone, as long as you remain polite to them.

I will never say "just wait until your father gets home and hears about what you've done".

I won't make them go to church several times a week when they clearly don't want to.

I try my best to answer their many questions without becoming inpatient.

I don't make them wear Laura Ashley pinafore dresses (and not just because they are boys!)

Just out of interest ( and so I never do it to mine) did the people who were cold tell their parents they were cold?

some of the posts on here are mumofmonsters,angel, queen qootie,
charley i know what you mean about the because i said so bit. i consciously try to explain to dd things usually she's ok with things then (well after alittle strop sometimes!)

dad was shouty too and neither paretn seemed to be really positive about things i'd done. i always felt in competition with younger sister and never seemed to come out on top if that makes sense. now it feels like i seek others approval am not so bad as i used to be but the feeling's still there. i remember once when havin argument with dad in kitchen i was doing something in the sink and something made me move just in time to see the veg knife come fly past my ear and once a gravy saucepan how they never hit me i shall never know. but i tell you something that when i started kickboxing it felt so good to say to my dad that i wasn't scared of him anymore

This cold thing is quite interesting, although I realise trivial compared with some of the things that are being raised on here. I have to hold back from making my DS (5) wear more clothes. He was playing out yesterday at gone 5 in just a t-shirt and trousers.

I won't live with an emotionally abusive man and leave them with serious issues.
I do apologise when I am wrong.
I willl allow them a say in how they are dressed.
I will discuss family finances with them so if we can or can't do something they understand why.
I won't take out my temper on one of them because I won't stand up to my husband.
I won't threaten them with going to the doctor because they wet the bed but treat them with kindness and respect. I def won't shout about it to the whole house to deliberately embarress the child. I used to lie on the wet bed trying to dry it with my body heat so she wouldn't find it.
I won't crop their waist lenght hair to an inch long (I did ballet btw)at age of 8 because I am having another baby and can't be bothered looking after it. I particularly won't do this without even discussing it. I though I was getting a trim and howled all the way home. Sreamed at slapped and told to stop making a scene.

I won't do half way measures i.e cheap versions of toys clothes etc either the real thing or nothing. Half measures are worse than nothing because you are forced to feel grateful and you wish they hadn't bothered.
I will allow my children privacy as teenagers.
I will allow my children to go out to do normal teenage things.
I won't stop talking to my teenage daughter and I won't stop doing any cooking cleaning etc for her because I don't like her from the age of 15 until I left home.
And I won't when my 7 year old wishes for a rocking horse for xmas lead her to believe she is getting one and then put a rocking horse ornament in her stocking. I was searching the living room for my horse and mum laughed and said haven't you found it yet and fished out a bloody ornament.

She buys me something with a rocking horse on it every year, cards tree decs and a soft toy one was brought to the hospital when I had my daughter. She still thinks it is funny.

Bit long that but quite cathartic.

MrsApron your children are very lucky to have a lovely mum and your post just brought tears to my eye.