Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

"My Parents Did X to Me, So I Will Never Do X to My Child" ...

115 replies

NotQuiteCockney · 17/10/2006 10:28

To what extent do you consciously decide to do the opposite of what your parents did? To what extent do you consciously decide to do the same as your parents did? Or do you do either unintentionally?

I find I'm doing some of it on purpose (I don't hit my kids) and some of it by accident (I sometimes mock my kids the way my parents mocked me , but also, DS1 is 5 and rides a bike. I learned to ride at 12.)

From conversations with my sister, I gather her and her DP have Policies on a fair few of these things: He was often cold as a child, and so does not Ever want his child to be cold, so my sister must Always carry a coat etc etc. Is this normal? Or strange?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

nailpolish · 17/10/2006 12:38

mrsApron i echo northstars post but happy you sound such a lovely mother

Bugsy2 · 17/10/2006 12:42

Funnyish things:
I will not make my children eat fat on meat - apparently it was good for you back in the 70s. (vomit emoticon)
I will not make them wear school PE shorts as everyday shorts -apparently it wasn't worth buying me another pair until I was about 14! (shame emoticon)

Sad things:
I will not beat my children with household implements
I will not smack them for every minor transgression
I will have clear & consistent household rules which they understand and don't change on a daily basis.
I will not expect them to be woken early to set the breakfast table, make the beds (with proper hospital corners) and wash up after every meal.
I will hug them, cuddle them & tell them I love them.
I will not terrify them on a daily basis.

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 17/10/2006 12:43

Goodness, lots of interesting stuff.

I hope the people who are remembering horrible stuff from their childhood are finding it cathartic rather than upsetting .

Parents' sense of humour seems to cause a lot of problems. My parents found me funny when I was upset, too ... not a nice feeling ... one I hope to not subject my kids to ...

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 17/10/2006 12:44

(Oh, and I am forever underdressing my kids, not exactly on purpose, but I do expect them to grow up to be at a least a bit Canadian, as in, tougher about the cold than English kids are. I certainly never ever make them wear a coat when they say they don't want it ... although I do carry one if I have concerns.)

OP posts:

Pollybloodyanna · 17/10/2006 12:46

One thing my mum used to do, which I found really unfair as a child, was to turn into a martyr to get her own way ("it doesn't matter, I'll do it myself" "don't worry about me, I'll be fine" in a martyr voice etc etc )- once she even said that we had to do something because she would be dead soon! She used to do it at the drop of a hat, and it was very effective. I hated it though and don't do it to mine.

MrsApron · 17/10/2006 12:46

Thanks ladies I am bit teary myself. I did think about namechanging but I reminded myself that It wasn't me who should be ashamed of it.

Greensleeves · 17/10/2006 12:46

MrsApron I think we share a mother!

MerlinsBeard · 17/10/2006 12:48

have been thinking about this all morning. Now worrying that i will be too protectove and caring and loving to them. its a hard line isn't it?

Greensleeves · 17/10/2006 12:51

I suspect my boys may be a bit spoilt, they are bumptious, outspoken and have a very high opinion of themselves. They expect to be included in family decisions such as what do do on a Saturday or what to have for lunch. It does worry me that teachers at school will find them obnoxious and difficult to manage. Although I was obnoxious and difficult to manage, so maybe that's genetic rather than the result of being overindulged.

Why don't babies come with a manual?

MrsApron · 17/10/2006 13:11

Absoltely nothing wrong about themhaving a high opinion of themselves. Life will round that out. Good on them if they are so secure they can challenge weird and nonsensical stuff at school. Better than being told if an adult tells you you must do it.

FloatingHeadOnTheMed · 17/10/2006 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zippetydoodahzippetyday · 17/10/2006 13:17

I will be bothered about all of my grandchildren not just the ones of the child I favoured the most.
I will not hit my child so hard I bruised my hand.
I will kiss and cuddle my child every day.
I will speak to my children when they are adults at least once a week, not once a month if they are lucky.

danceswiththedevil · 17/10/2006 13:32

I won't promise stuff that I clearly can't carry out
I won't emotionally blackmail them
I won't go on and on about my children's weight whilst being overweight and a terrible example of none healthy eating myself

I will let my children decide what they want to do with their lives
I will be a lovely grandma
I will cuddle my children alot

Well of course I say 'I won't and I will 'but what I mean is I'll do my best to....
Easy to judge, harder not to fall into the same traps.

Tortington · 17/10/2006 13:36

nothing my mum was amazing up until i was around 12.

short of saying " i will not go barking mad" theres not a lot i would say against her early parenting

TillyRose · 17/10/2006 13:36

I can't believe that I never heard my mother tell me she loved me.

I have also vowed not to let my dd go to a school disco in her school sandals!! It does sound trivial but I was a fairly plain child and this just about finished me off in the confidence stakes!!

katierocket · 17/10/2006 13:37

I try to be open and honest with DS because my parents (although they were lovely) were of the school of thought that you didn't talk about feelings.

TLV · 17/10/2006 14:53

i get on well with my mum but she was never one to say I love you or to give lots of hugs, I will be doing and saying that to my dd, also it was always an effort to help me with homework and I was sometimes made to feel stupid, I won't be like that with my dd. I don't think it strange at all, we want the best for our children and don't want them to experience upset or hurt as we ourselves maybe did as children

megandsoph · 17/10/2006 14:59

I will never smack DC, not because of the "it's wrong" but because it just didn't work with me at all.

Also I will vow never to go on and on and on about getting a great education, to get a fabulous career, because the more my parents did this the more I rebelled and became a wee shite bag at school, did crap in my exams and now at the age of 27 am struggling to sort my education out.

Still think my folks are the best though bless em

calebsmum · 17/10/2006 15:04

My parents also kept us warm and well fed, we had a nice house and a pony whilst growing up. On the downside they smacked and hit us for every little thing and I was constantly told "your older you should know better" and grounded for months on end. Am trying hard not to follow in certain footsteps but found myself telling DS (19 mths) to shut up the other day, and I smacked him on the leg earlier. Feel like crap but i'm trying to work through it and control myself when I get annoyed and frustrated.

griffintribe · 17/10/2006 15:06

My Dad used to rub banana skins in my face, so now if i smell banana i feel sick. I wont be doing that

Twilighter · 17/10/2006 15:22

I will not force my children to wear clothes I like and they do not.
I will not have screaming arguements with DP in front of them.
I will not tell them to 'stand up for themselves' if they tell me they are being bullied.
I will never demand affection from them.
Housework is not more important than making my children happy.
I will not force feed my children sprouts, even on Christmas day.
I will not smack them so hard that they fall over.
My children will be more important to me than the opinion of other people.
I will not uproot my children every few years for more money.
I will not ridicule my children to make myself look better.

Dear god I have issues!

Sometimes I think I deliberately do the exact opposite of what my parents would have done on principle, rather than considering decisions on merit. I do have real issues with the way my parents treated me, my list could go on forever.

redclover79 · 17/10/2006 16:37

My parents did a proper job on me and my brother, having divorced when we were both under 5. It was constantly using us as ammunition, dragging us through court, threatening abandonment if we didn't spend xmas with one or other... There was smackingbut because of everything else that went on I always found that a lesser punishment and at the time found being smacked/smacked about a more invitng prospect than drawn out resentment that could last months. One awful thing that sticks in my mind is my mother screaming in the street about my brother still wetting the bed when he was 7/8, and yet she'd have you believe all our emotional probs were entirely the fault of my father (dont get me started on him...).
Anyway, my point is that I spend so much time worrying about not repeating these behaviours that I find it hard to say 'I will do X and Y'. I also think emotionally there was NOTHING positive in my upbringing that I can draw on and I can find myself unstuck and repeating negative behaviours (although not as outlined above!) because I genuinely have no idea how to be a positive parent. It's easy to avoid the bigger obvious behaviours but hard work not to be snappy, impatient etc at times... Hope that makes sense!

Original poster

NotQuiteCockney · 17/10/2006 19:06

I don't think there are any parents who are never snappy or impatient ... but of course trying to be those things less often is sensible.

I guess I'm a bit spoiled at the moment, as the childcare co-op that DS2 goes to has a great playleader/manager at the moment, whose techniques I am forever pilfering ... she's excellent at managing toddlers and keeping order without ever seeming to do any discipline per se.

OP posts:

canyoukeepasecret · 18/10/2006 09:46

Does anyone know why several of our parents' generation put us out for daytime naps in our prams outside? and why did that practice stop? I am intrigued! it cant have done me any harm as i am very rarely ill and have a hardy constitution- i wonder if our bubs are too cossetted these days?

UCM · 18/10/2006 10:13

I have a problem trying to live up to my parents, my mum especially. She was NEVER too busy to play with me. I used to do her hair & makeup whenever I wanted. Poor woman used to look like coco the clown. She also played cards & connect 4 and scrabble with me endlessly. She was just totally into us as kids - loved children. So I am trying to be like her and failing miserably really as I am impatient and get bored playing with ds .

The only thing I have against my childhood is that, as my parents were older then all of my friends parents they were a bit old fashioned. So I will try to let my kids be as trendy as they want to be (within reason). I have not forgotten taking my (bought with own pocket money only to be worn at the weekend) trendy shoes to school hidden in my bag and hiding my hideous Clarks Yuk shoes in a bush to be picked up on the way home. Same applies to Heather Shimmer lipstick & black eyeliner, hidden in bag and wiped off on route home. Oh My!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread