sometimes I regret having number 2

[whereisthewitch]

I don't know why I'm posting this, maybe for some sort of understanding from mums who have been in a similar frame of mind?
I have a 6 month old ds, I also have a 3 yo too. Ds has been a nightmare since the day he was born,(or conceived I had HG)reflux, low weight gain, velcro baby. He screamed for the first 4 months of his life until I stared weaning him which seemed to end the misery of reflux ( on advice from paediatriacian).
Anyway, he is such hard work, still up 2 or three times a night, fights every naptime and bedtime. Is pretty much a whingey baby who isn't getting enough sleep despite how hard we try to get him to sleep.
He is teething at the moment which has brought back the all day crying.

I just can't take anymore, he ruined Christmas day because he cried and whinged all day long, he wants constant undivided attention. If I hug my 3 yo he goes mad, if you take a toy off him, he goes mad. My 3 yo yells at him to be quiet, hardly surprising.

I wish I could go back in time and not have him, I love him but I wish he wasn't here 95% of the time. I have constant regret about ruining our lives and that of my 3yo who gets very little attention these days.

I had pnd with my 3 yo so I know it's not that, I genuinely wish he wasn't here, I don't wish him harm please understand that, but I wish we had stopped at one.

I feel terrible saying that, my poor poor boy it's not his fault. Please tell me if won't always feel like this, I can't bear it :-(

I'm coming to this late. Witch I'm so sorry to hear you are going through a very tough time.
I only have one dd and she has been very very high needs - she is now 14 months so a little but better but she has cried so much during her little life. When she was young it was for hours and hours and hours. There are times when I cried too. When I shouted at her. When I left her in the cot.
If not crying then whinging moaning of fussing. She had a bit of reflux but after lots of trips to the dr we realised that its just her personality. She is high needs, low tolerance and highly strung. Lots of things upset her. A stranger talking to her upsets her. Putting her down upsets her. Dare I leave the room. I have to go to the loo with her sat on my knee. If I stop the pushchair she screams. Lots of waking in night with loud piercing screams but at least she does sleep from around 7pm to 530am with a couple of wake ups to settle.
I love her to pieces but there have been times when I wish she had not been born. Even now the days are a struggle and when most people love Christmas and weekends I dread them as that means I have a constant battle of trying to keep dd happy. She goes to nursery when I'm at work.
I've had PND too.
All I wanted to say is that I really feel for you. Having a high needs baby is the most challenging thing ever.
You have two babies too so it's so much harder for you than for me.
You are doing brilliantly.
You will get through this.
As will I.
Feel free to pm me anytime.

Hello OP, I found going from one to two far harder then I ever imagined it would be and that's with a baby without reflux.

Threads like this are brilliant, it means so much to hear that you're not alone and things get better.

Thank you too, Ocelot, for your lovely words.

I guess I may be gunned down here. However, here goes. I have to echo the perceptions of loaf and moreofthesame. Perhaps the issue is the way you relate to DS? You say

"I genuinely wish he wasn't here"

Such strong emotions may be impacting on his behaviour. He will pick up on it as you're his mom. You also say in your first post that the reflux has improved... so it can't be that.

PND has many heads and I know you say you know it's not that, but I don't think you can genuinely know. It affects us moms in many ways. My advice sweetie is to go and see a professional about the way you feel.

DS is part of your family too now and he is his own person, different from DC1 in many ways I'm sure. Once you are able to fight these feelings and tune in to him, you could see things improve. I'm no professional, but I get the vibe some of it might be you and your feelings aswell as him.

sugar thankyou for your input and yes I would say he senses my frustration. "I genuinely wish he wasn't here", said in a moment of desperation, today I don't feel that way, I think I had reached the end of my rope.
I love him, I would never give him up, I do sometimes regret my decision to add another child to our family but I couldn't live without him either now.

I didn't know reflux could return with a vengeance during teething, have you read the whole thread? I think perhaps the constant crying and whinging now is a combination of teething, reflux and personality. I don't shout at him, I don't vent any frustration on him, I kiss him, I cuddle him, I protect and love him so if he feels any negativity then it is no more than any other baby feels with a frustrated parent and no one absolutely no one can ever say they have never been frustrated as a parent.

Of course. Every parent gets frustrated, particularly at milestone stages. It's completely normal.

I have no doubt that you kiss him and cuddle him and all the rest. I think you're possibly having some negative feelings which need addressing though.

And how about baby groups? Do you go to any? My friend took her son to some baby groups after dreading leaving the house for his constant screaming and saw a change in him. She said they were feeding off each others frustration being in the house together during the day time. I also bonded a lot more with my daughter through playgroups and she enjoyed time in new environments and with new faces.

Yes we go to playgroups, we go out alot because listening to him cry all day in the house makes it worse somehow.

Time will change this, I know he will get better, I know this will pass like everything else in life and someday he will be 18 and won't need me anymore, and then I will wish these days back again.

Things have to get to the worst point to get better, I think I got there and am on the back on the right path again.

Feeling like this isn't something I'm proud of or take lightly.

I used to yell at dd to shut up sometimes when I couldn't bear her screaming and I really really think it had very little effect (except for being bad for me as it made me feel even more guilty). Not sure the big tearful hugs did much either! She is a very loving person, and very forgiving too.

Please don't beat yourself up too much. I have a feeling that if people were more honest about how they felt and if new mothers were better supported then we'd discover that negative feelings are fairly common. Being alone at home with babies is a relatively new thing and probably not good for anyone. Hold onto the good moments, and know it will pass and you will have lots and lots of happy days ahead with both of your children.

Thankyou nooka, I used to yell at my dd too in the depths of PND, I think having her has helped me be more patient on the face of things with ds however that doesn't change my feelings I guess, inside I am screaming at him sometimes.

I agree, maybe I'm too honest, maybe I shouldn't have posted but it has helped me for sure.

alltheworld i have so much respect for line parents, you really do the hardest job in the world alone, that must be very very difficult, I'd be lost without dh.

no no, I think people should be more honest!

It's terrible to think that there are mums out there who feel they are the only ones to struggle, that their feelings are awful and abnormal, and who really really need reassuring that they are just doing their best to cope, and that their best is good enough.

My dd really wasn't so bad, but I'm not very maternal (at least with babies!) and so nothing came particularly naturally to me. It really really didn't help that virtually everyone I met told me that 'oh it will go so quickly' when time felt like glue, how very lucky I was, how easy second babies were, how I'd never get the time back and all of the other things people tend to say, assuming that you are loving looking after your baby and very rarely checked to see if things were going OK.

Most mums feel like this at some point. It's normal and you're not evil. My second child has autism, so when the autism is kicking off and my first child is upset / feels their life is ruined, my DH is upset, DC2 is saying horrible things and the dog (I wish we'd never got the dog!) is barking and joining in, I think, "I want to be a nun." How lovely to live in a man free, child free, dog free world...then I get the collywobbles if they're late back from a walk and realise, despite the truly bonkers roller coaster life we lead, I still want them all. Oh, I'd love to change them (take away the autism and the dog's insanity for a start) but now they're all here, I love them. Yes, even the dog. And the immortal hamster. I'm in bed, ill, as I type this, supposed to be asleep, but DC2 keeps coming in because they can't live without Mummy, then DH tells DC2 off for disturbing me whilst both have forgotten that mad dog is sniffing at the door, gently whimpering and occasionally scratching because it too cannot function for 5 minutes without Mummy. Might as well get up and spread the germs / love and lie on the sofa, whilst both children and the dog sit on top of me. The point is, you'll manage. Your problems will change as the children change. It may get easier, it may not, but the thing is you'll cope. You're a good mother and you're perfectly normal. They say a change is as good as a rest. dC2 had terrible reflux as a baby, before we knew they were autistic. I'm glad the reflux has gone (changed into Aspergers but hey ho) so I now deal with different problems. I'm not bored. But I still clear up sick from my carpet (the dog. Eats anything not nailed down).

Hugs to you, keep going, you'll get there and one day you'll suddenly realise, hey, I'm not hating this!

gosh op I have to post just because some of the unbelievably naive and patronising crap being trotted out here - 'oh try not to be negative and get out to some baby groups' well wow, I bet you hadn't thought of that.

You have a baby who is finding it tough being a baby! you are coping amazingly by trying to soothe him but of course you find it tough! it is bloody tough! some babies are much, much harder work - and what a sad world we would live in if you couldn't ever admit that - are people like sugar actually suggesting that a 'perfect' mother would never ever feel negatively about a baby who cries a lot? My mother in law tells me that her youngest sister - of 8 children - was the one who cried the most, constantly - and that was a baby with a mother who had already got so much experience, but she turned into the happiest toddler.

We live in a modern, atomised world - tradititonally - ie for tens of thousands of years, humans would have had babies in tight knit communities - it is only since the industrial revolution that we have all been gradually cut off from this constant support - my mother in law comments that even 50 years ago a cryin baby would not have been such a source of stress because there would have been so many hands around to take a turn rocking / calming etc - nobody would have had to bear that burden alone.

It is not natural to have to bear this burden alone - I think what stands out for me is that people are always helping you by taking your older child - could you afford a childminder a few hours a week?

From six months my son went twice a week and loved it...I think you really need a break - have you tried homestart?

sorry maybe that wasnt clear - I mean that you need a break from the baby, and the baby might benefit too. even a short break twice a week?

Haven't read all this, but (((hugs))). It is so difficult when they whinge all day!! I thought my boy would never stop it. He is 8 months now and still has days like that but it isn't relentless any more thank god! Teething is a nighmare, reflux is a nightmare, and then he got a cold which was completely awful as he clearly thought he was dying... I have an older child who is 10 and I honestly can't imagine having one that is younger. You are doing a great job and you are allowed to feel this way. It will eventually pass and when you have a smiley baby you will feel better. I hope you have some support because you do need a break- can you possibly get an hour every day just to take a walk outside? I do think that having young babies/kids is the hardest job in the world. I phoned the Samaritans a few times when my eldest was a baby! (Actually it was great to be able to say 'I think I'm a terrible mother' out loud to someone- it did really help) xxxx

Oh and I think the stuff about them feeling your negativity is total crap btw. You're not abusing your child- you're being a human. They are a human too and will need someone who can demonstrate anxiousness and anxiety without resorting to violence, and also someone who can demonstrate apologies and 'making-up', so you could look at it that way. Everyone is allowed to get angry sometimes. Obviously it's best if you can avoid shouting at your kids but we are human and sometimes it happens and it's not actually the end of the world. Life is painful and hiding that from your kids only teaches them that they should hide it too, and that way we all end up with a nervous breakdown. We need to find a way to deal with not being perfect, for the sake of all our relationships if not for ourselves alone xxx

longsuffering Waterrat and weebigmama thankyou, I think it would take a pretty perfect person not to feel negative in this situation, but there are clearly such mothers out there according to them

I think sometimes it all gets too much, the responsibility of it and relentlessness of a high needs baby, it can drive a person to the edge and back again.

Not everyone has been through that and that's very telling from some of the responses I've had and that's fair enough. Nice to see those perfect people are in the minority though.

Thanks again for the encouragement