sometimes I regret having number 2

[whereisthewitch]

I don't know why I'm posting this, maybe for some sort of understanding from mums who have been in a similar frame of mind?
I have a 6 month old ds, I also have a 3 yo too. Ds has been a nightmare since the day he was born,(or conceived I had HG)reflux, low weight gain, velcro baby. He screamed for the first 4 months of his life until I stared weaning him which seemed to end the misery of reflux ( on advice from paediatriacian).
Anyway, he is such hard work, still up 2 or three times a night, fights every naptime and bedtime. Is pretty much a whingey baby who isn't getting enough sleep despite how hard we try to get him to sleep.
He is teething at the moment which has brought back the all day crying.

I just can't take anymore, he ruined Christmas day because he cried and whinged all day long, he wants constant undivided attention. If I hug my 3 yo he goes mad, if you take a toy off him, he goes mad. My 3 yo yells at him to be quiet, hardly surprising.

I wish I could go back in time and not have him, I love him but I wish he wasn't here 95% of the time. I have constant regret about ruining our lives and that of my 3yo who gets very little attention these days.

I had pnd with my 3 yo so I know it's not that, I genuinely wish he wasn't here, I don't wish him harm please understand that, but I wish we had stopped at one.

I feel terrible saying that, my poor poor boy it's not his fault. Please tell me if won't always feel like this, I can't bear it :-(

Oh OP, I feel your pain (have same ages) and have been getting comfort from replies especially ocelot - let's keep reminding ourselves it's worth it!

ocelot what your sister said was so wise and beautiful. Made me well up

Where, I feel for you, I really do. I had similar feelings with DD2 (and similar age gap to you with her and DD1). I honestly felt having two was a wrong decision that we'd regret forever, and, sometimes, that she hated me, she seemed so miserable.

Once her health issues started to resolve and she could be more independent (moving, crawling, walking) things improved, and once she figured out sleeping (it took a loooong time, but I hope your wee one is quicker at that) things improved again. She didn't enjoy being a baby, but she loved being a toddler, and now, at 7, is a delight (mostly) and she and her big sister entertain each other and play together and I regularly think how glad I am that we had two and that we had DD1 first (because if DD2 had come first we'd never have had a second baby.)

So it will pass, but just now it's hard and exhausting and sleeplessness sucks all the joy out of you. Hang in there, and as PPs have said, take any help or breaks you can to recharge your depleted energy levels. If your DS finds a sling comforting that may help free up your hands (my DD2 just screamed even louder in it, she hated it, but she hated most things) but if you can hand him over to a friend or relative for a couple of hours and walk out of earshot that will help restore your sanity. Good luck.

I am biased Atrocious but I think she is a diamond. Those words got me through probably the toughest year of my life. They are also not just meaningless motivational stuff, they are TRUE.

The depth of love you show now in just keeping going, especially when that is the hardest thing to do, will go deep, deep into that little one's sense of themselves and their relationship with you. It will make them so confident and secure in your love for them.

ocelot, I too am so moved by your sister's words.

OP, it will get better. Best of luck.

I had a difficult second baby having had a pretty easy first child and remember that baby year as pretty hellish. Hard to talk about as so many people tell you about how easy second babies are, and as dd was an accident only 16mths after ds none of my baby friends had had a second at that point. My dd was just very velcro, I don't think she had any significant health issues, so probably not the same ball park of stress as the OP, but god I found it hard (went back to work at three months to escape!)

Really I just wanted to post that once the baby years were through she has been the most delightful wonderful daughter ever since (she is a teenager now and still lovely!). Her terrible clingyiness has evolved and she is now a very extrovert, caring people centred person who I love spending time with and am very proud of.

So hang on in there, there will be rewards ahead!

Oh and her and her brother are very very close too, so your older child should experience benefits too. My ds can't remember life before dd, although he really didn't like her very much for a while. Not because we were distracted, but because when she got a little bit bigger she was a bit of a horror to him - pulled his hair, wrecked his toys etc! Then they learned to play together and I do think that one of the deep joys of parenthood is listening to your children play together (especially when they get big enough and you can lie in bed in the morning and hear them play without having to leap up out of bed).

It really does get better, but oh my word it is so tough at the time. And if you arent near anyone who gets it and you feel bad about wanting to give him away sometimes its a zillion times worse.

Anyone on this thread is welcome to PM me any time for support. I am not the wise bird that my DSis is, nor am I anything like as eloquent, but will always offer and sympathy.

And for what it is worth my DS is nearly 5 now and is the FIRST little lad into a party, new playground, up a particularly tall tree or reaching forward to introduce himself to a new child. He is very robust, outgoing and just ...happy.

Every time he walks boldly up to a total stranger and says 'Hello. I am ocelotcub' I have to shake myself and remind myself that this is the same little boy who was such a clingy, miserable little baby because it just doesn't seem POSSIBLE.

And when I give him his night night cuddles and tell him I love him, he says ' Oh Mummy. You are SILLY. I KNOW that! I know it all the time!!!'

Ocelot thank you, I remember thinking similar thoughts with my first DD but I'm so worn down by my DS (9 months) I worry I don't have the energy to respond to him as willingly :-( it's good to remind myself that it's worth it!!

this too shall pass OP we'll sleep again and the crying will subside!

Ocelots post is so right, I remember saying to my friend "those children on the television in the third world are not crying as much as him?" And she said exactly that, the ones that are neglected just give up crying.
I remember looking at other families pushing prams with toddlers on buggy boards and thinking that my life was nothing like theirs. My son was a nightmare. I really barely survived it, I was like the living dead. He roared and roared and never slept. He had reflux and I would say your baby has it still. Is he on medication? Teething makes the reflux worse and it can go on until they are one or two years old. Go to your gp and get him back on the medication or increase what he is on if possible.
It does get easier. You will not feel this way forever. The tide can only go out so fr before it comes back in again. Mind yourself pet x

Oh and YY to nooka. My DS was really caring really early too. Obviously I don't know if the experience of being cared for when he was sick did that, or if it is just his personality. But it was such a dominant feature of his primal experiences that I would be surprised if it had no effect.

I was worried that me having found the first year such an endurance test would have somehow damaged him, but quite the opposite seems to have happened. Here's some examples:

Aged 10 months when he had only just started toddling with a little trolley, his beloved cousin, M, was lying sick on the sofa. He very carefully angled his little trolley, staggered across the room, cruised his way along the sofa, picked up her hand and very tenderly kissed it.

Aged 18 months, if a child was crying at nursery he would pick up a toy and put it next to the crying child and hug and pat them saying 'There, there'.

Aged 2.5 he asked why I gave money to a lady sitting on the pavement. I explained that she had no home and no food. He was outraged and marched into the local cafe, pointed in the lady's direction and said 'Lady need food!' Then he walked into the estate agent next door and said 'Lady need house!'

Now I could just be doing a PFB number, but I totally love it that he HATES to see anyone suffering or hear about anyone in need and wants to help. And I can't help but think the experience of being so in need himself and being comforted might maybe have something to do with that?

So all you slugging it out mamas, no one would choose for their child to have such a rough start, but maybe you are raising a generation of exceptionally tender, warm hearted people...

He 'ruined your christmas day' I'm sorry but your child didn't ask to be put in this planet! In all honesty, he's probably picking up on your stress and negativity towards him. The things you've said are awful.

That's totally unhelpful and unsupportive loaf. I challenge anyone with a constantly crying baby not to get The Rage. 'Tis normal.

On a practical note, the Baby Bjorn Active has a lumbar support (a bit like a well made back pack) and means you can comfortably carry a child up to 2 years old. I used it on and off during teething which was purgatory here too and it really helped --and we threw a teething party when it was all over

Ah bless you, I have been you. DD2 was a nightmare baby DD1 was 2.9 when I had her and went from 100% attention to zero. DD2 never laid down in anything and I do mean EVER, She had to be held at all times or she screamed and never gave in. She only slept for 45 minutes at a time up until 8 months and still woke up regularly after that. I had hallucinations due to sleep deprivation at times. It was scary.

She's now 2.5 and my god I adore her, it started to get better when she could crawl then run from 11 months! She's still a little tiring as she is into everything but she's forward and cheeky and loving and to see them together as siblings makes all the he'll worth it.

But you have to just live day to day until that point it will one day suddenly feel easier I promise. Until then have a look for the highneeds baby thread on here that saved my sanity!

Oh and how people go from that to 3 DCS is they fall pg accidentally and spend 9 months begging all that is holy DC3 won't be the same, crying and feeling panicky

Luckily someone thought I'd paid my dues and sent me a dream DD3!

Ocelot ditto DD2 she has an amazingly warm personality she hates to see others upset and granted her bouncing a toy off DD3S head doesn't work but her intentions to "make baby sister happy mama" are well meaning!

loaf that's fine, what you said. I agree, he didn't ask to be put in this earth but he is here nonetheless. I am in no way negative towards him, I give him all the love, kisses, cuddles, gentle whispers, tickles and smiles that any loving mother would give. What exactly have it said that is awful? Being honest about how I feel to a group of anonymous yet supportive (except yourself of course) strangers who have experienced this feeling too? Why don't you just wind your neck in and not bother commenting.

Everyone else, your words have brought me to tears and ocelot your sister is definitely wise, I never looked at it that way. He adores me, I am his whole world and that can be a wonderful thing but when he is miserable it can be extremely draining, I am trying my best to keep my head above water for both him and my dd, I don't want to go down the pnd route again but I must admit this past week has nearly sent me over that precipice.
Your words are a salve to me at this point, to know I'm not the only one finding it tough gives me hope that it can get through this.

I love him very much, I'm looking forward to the day when he can tell him what is wrong and I can have a better understanding of him.

I came close to PND myself and my DH definitely got it. It is so easy to go there with the kind of situation you are in Where. How would you feel about alerting your HV to your concerns so they can keep an eye on you? I ended up asking to be checked up on by the local Psych team ( who were really supportive incidentally).

Other than that, do you have anyone near to support you or give you a break? Do you have anything to look forward to or that you would enjoy? Are you managing to eat well? Is it possible to arrange a break? Possibly a night in a hotel to get some sleep?

Do NOT feel bad about expressing yourself and about the way you feel. Arsed like Loaf will have never been through this and the shame put on mothers who admit to struggling is a damaging horrible thing.

You can love a child to the moon and back and hate them at the same time. Happy to admit it.

My DD2 probably heard a shed load of negativity when a baby and she is truly awesome and happy.

Softly I'm glad dc3 is a dream for you, if you've been through what I have you most definitely deserve it.

He hates slings and carriers, hates being restricted in any way.
I'm definitely going to get him an antacid again for the reflux, hopefully that will settle him down again, he really was doing so well from 4-6 months I thought we had turned a corner.
I'm sitting here watching him sleeping on the video monitor, I would never wish him away now, I guess I have regretful feelings when I feel stressed, the constant little nagging thought of much much easier life would be for us and DD if he wasn't here screaming the house down 10 hours a day.
I don't think that makes me terrible or awful, just human.

That must be really tough to think it is getting better and then go backwards. Big sympathy

And no, of course you aren't terrible or awful. Sounds like you are pretty amazing to me.

You have not said anything in any way awful OP! Having small children is very hard and it's stupid and damaging that parents are apparently not allowed to say that they are struggling. When for whatever reason parenting is particularly hard then we should absolutely be allowed to say so. Suffering in silence is in no way better than asking for help and support, in fact that's often how things go terribly wrong for some poor families.

Well put nooka

ocelot that's the very reason I was worried about pnd, I said to DH on Christmas day that life has lost its joy, I'm always stressed, even fun days like Christmas are a stressful time, going out even to the shop is hard as he hates his carseat and screams most of the journey anywhere.
My DH has agreed to let me go to a hotel for the night in the next few weeks, hopefully that will give me something to keep me going. I'm going to speak to my gp about perhaps getting fluoxetine, I had it after dd and it really helped.
Softly that's exactly it, somedays I feel like he is a complete stranger to me,I love him but regret having him because he is so difficult and I guess not making any of us happy, poor wee dude, I know it's not his fault at all.
I'm convinced I was depressed during pregnancy. I had HG and some other health issues too that caused me to have to take some pretty strong medication. I often wonder is it because of that he is so unsettled, all my bleak thoughts, all that medication etc.

Somedays, being with him is a delight, most days it's a struggle.