sometimes I regret having number 2

[whereisthewitch]

I don't know why I'm posting this, maybe for some sort of understanding from mums who have been in a similar frame of mind?
I have a 6 month old ds, I also have a 3 yo too. Ds has been a nightmare since the day he was born,(or conceived I had HG)reflux, low weight gain, velcro baby. He screamed for the first 4 months of his life until I stared weaning him which seemed to end the misery of reflux ( on advice from paediatriacian).
Anyway, he is such hard work, still up 2 or three times a night, fights every naptime and bedtime. Is pretty much a whingey baby who isn't getting enough sleep despite how hard we try to get him to sleep.
He is teething at the moment which has brought back the all day crying.

I just can't take anymore, he ruined Christmas day because he cried and whinged all day long, he wants constant undivided attention. If I hug my 3 yo he goes mad, if you take a toy off him, he goes mad. My 3 yo yells at him to be quiet, hardly surprising.

I wish I could go back in time and not have him, I love him but I wish he wasn't here 95% of the time. I have constant regret about ruining our lives and that of my 3yo who gets very little attention these days.

I had pnd with my 3 yo so I know it's not that, I genuinely wish he wasn't here, I don't wish him harm please understand that, but I wish we had stopped at one.

I feel terrible saying that, my poor poor boy it's not his fault. Please tell me if won't always feel like this, I can't bear it :-(

ocelot

Yup, I can relate to that Where. Good for you for seeking some medical help. And good on your DH. Is there any chance you could go to a family member or friends house for a night a week while your DH takes over so you can get some respite and sleep? It is really important that mums who are giving so much are cared for too, otherwise we risk burning out.I didn't have that and frankly, it was getting fucking dangerous.

I usually let dh take over at least one of the weekend nights, but the next day it all begins again, I often feel very trapped and I remember feeling that way when dd was a baby, panicky, trapped, like my chest will explode.
It is harder to deal with that second time around because she hears and sees everything, so although ds doesn't see the negativity, dd probably does. She'll say "mummy I will make you smile but dbro makes you sad he's a bad boy".
I hope none of this affects her, she's had a few weeks issues herself since he came along, wetting herself, withholding, night terrors etc.
Having a baby is such an adjustment for everyone, having one that cries and whinges all day is that times 1000!

It will definitely get better-my pfb was v similar to your ds-endless crying, clingy ness and reflux. Baby days were miserable.

I can see that would be really, really hard to have DC1 seeing and hearing everything. I only have one so didnt have that extra pressure to deal with.

Is it possible for you to physically stay the night somewhere else when DH takes over regularly so you can properly sleep? I always felt a little better if I could even go and read in a cafe for a few hours. There is something about getting away physically which helped a bit.

But yes, can def relate to that exploding chest feeling. It does sound like a trip to the GP may be in order. Is there any other form if care or support which you think would help as well?

I remember my lovely DSis running a bath for me with candles round it on a visit (sadly she lives hundreds of miles away) and I just WEPT with gratitude. Feeling loved and cared for so you can love and care for others is so RIGHT.

You're right ocelot , I have some support in the form of my parents and my best friend but they are reluctant to take him for any length of time as he is difficult to handle and often goes nuts if I leave him for any length of time. Dh takes both of them to the inlaws sometimes on a Saturday so I get a few hours in peace to clean, have a coffee and gather my thoughts. There's nowhere in could really good over night though, I'd feel guilty doing that regularly it's taken alot of convincing on dhs part to agree to the hotel, I just feel constant guilt. Guilt that he has to get up out of bed so much and work a 10-12 hour day, guilt that dd gets the worst of me everyday, gets told off for simply spilling a drink, gets bundled off to my mums once a week, guilt that I feel so awful about my little innocent and helpless baby boy who can't control the way he is.
Just a never ending cycle of guilt.
It's draining.

Oh sweetheart. No wonder you are feeling so bad

Reflux can come back with a bang when they are teething. Please go back to gp and get something. You are so tired now it must be so hard. Go to bed early every night and just batton down the hatches, it's survival mode now.

Get the reflux under control and things will settle down. Good luck x

I'm sorry if I've offended you in some way but I truly believe that the tone of your thread is one of can't be bothered with number 2 rather than help me, I really need support. I think to say that your 6 month child ruined Christmas is damn right disgusting.
Just because I dont have empathy for you and am instead empathising with your innocent child doesnt mean that I dont have a right to give my point of view... perhaps you ought to reconsider posting if you dont like hearing view points which dont suit you?
As for softlysoftly's comment of never going through having a child with severe reflux...
If you would like some advice, my own DD is currently suffering from reflux and have found holding her upright for 30minutes after feeds helpful, on advice from the Dr we will also be weaning her early.
Fortunately for my DD though, I dont see her as a burden or blame her for ruining our Christmas. Shame on you.

Perhaps you are suffering from PND OP? To say your baby has ruined your lives is pretty strong?

Loaf you have a gift of turning an apology into an insult. I don't think there is any hint here that the OP can't be bothered with no 2! She's working her arse off, is getting extremely drained and worn out.

Reflux can vary from relatively mild ( where holding upright is enough) to bloody awful (screams incessantly, hospitalisation as can't feed properly). I am pleased for you that you have found strategies that work for you but please don't kick someone else when they are down, especially about something as sensitive as potential PND.

Shame on you? WTAF? How is that helpful when the OP is struggling?

I think if you haven't experienced what we have (I know exactly what you mean) it's maybe hard to imagine feeling that way. Perhaps that's what makes them so judgemental? Or they could just not be very nice people.

Loaf-if holding your dd upright after feeds solves her reflux she doesn't have bad reflux.

Op-ds had reflux, was a very unhappy baby. He improved a lot at 7 months when he could sit unaided and I was able to wean him off the ranitidine. I hope things improve for you soon, its very hard especially when people expect you to be gushing about your baby

OK, going to hit the hay people. Will check this thread in the morning.

Where PM me any time you feel in need of sympathy and validation if you don't feel up to dealing with silly bugger comments. I am sure lots of other posters on this thread feel the same. We get it.

Hope tonight is ok for you

Ahem.
STILL the season of good will - just a reminder that Mumsnet's raison d'être is to make parents' lives easier and that if there's one thing we can all do with, it's some moral support.

Hope you are okay, OP

Unfortunately we're still trying to find a method which ultimately works for us, otherwise we wouldn't be weaning early ocelot ?!! Gaviscon made it much worse for us so wouldnt recommend it.OP. 4 constant hours of screaming every night has sure been hard work, so I can always empathise with mum's who are struggling, Just not comments about innocent children ruining lives. Sometimes it's the arguments we don't want to hear which force us to think or act differently. Some stuff we dont want to hear Ocelot, that's life. But it might make us act differently in the future. I really do hope DS is better soon but like I said negative thinking will be having a negative impact. It's psychology and it's fact. Sorry if that hurts anyones feelings.

I regretted my DC2, he was unplanned and I had to literally battle my then DP to have him. As soon as he was born I regretted my decision, he screamed and wouldn't sleep - so different to DD. it was made worse for me because there was only a 19 month age gap.

Somehow i survived and he is now 23 months, his dad and i split up a year ago with the stress of it all, i love him so much now he is 100% easier and he makes me laugh more than anyone else ever has. I do feel a complete failure to DD though. We are from the midlands and I have a strong regional accent however DD speaks like a southerner and pronounces words like path, grass and giraffe completely differently to us because she had to watch a lot of peppa pig whilst I was sobbing in the garden trying to get DS to sleep for 15 minutes. People mention it and I don't know what to say, I'm a shit mom?? Probably likely to raise a social services referral.

It will get easier, the first year was tougher than anything but then it got easier. I can have a shower without a melt down now, not with the door closed but sometimes no-one comes into the bathroom. I gave up so much to have him but I'm ultimately glad I did, he's awesome.

Shame on you, loafofbread - OP is being honest and getting support from others (including me) who have experienced similar and come through it. Bloody good and what this site is all about. Don't try to close down discussion and support for her, when all she is asking for is some empathy.

She didn't say her DC had ruined her life. She talked about the feeling that her decisions were making her feel like that. See the nuance?

OK, loaf - you said that 'Sometimes it's the arguments we don't want to hear which force us to think or act differently'.

Here is something you don't want to hear:
You've misinterpreted the OP's tone and underestimated how difficult her situation is.

In particular, your DD may have reflux, but that doesn't mean it's as bad as OP's baby's. You only have one child, and you are less than 4 months in (since you say you plan to wean early but haven't yet).

I'm not sure you've read OP's posts properly, and your 'advice' is unhelpful:

• She has already said that she weaned early, and that helped for a while but now things are awful again.
• You mention Gaviscon - OP says she's tried omeprozole and ranitidine so she's clearly been working with the doctors to try to find a solution. Gaviscon is often tried first, so it's pretty likely she's either already tried it or was told not to bother by the doctor since it rarely works.
• You seem to feel that having endured 4 hours of screaming a night for the last 3 months entitles you to judge. It doesn't. Not that it's a competition, but OP has already mentioned that her DS screams a lot more than that.

And you know, OP hasn't ever said that her baby has ruined her life (although many mums have felt that - and should feel safe to express it). She said that she worries that SHE has ruined her own life, and her daughter's, by deciding to have a second child. It's actually quite an important difference - and missing that kind of subtlety is exactly why you have misinterpreted the OP's post so badly.

I'll leave it to your own conscience as to what you should do differently in future.

Maybe he feels you don't like him very much?

Hi op. I have a 6 week old dc2. I also had hg and a nasty persistent low blood pressure/ anaemia combo which meant I wasn't safe to go out with my dc1( similar age gap).

My mum helped a lot and my dc1 stayed overnight once a week. It has been brilliant for them, they have a lovely relationship and my daughter has another female role model, does different things and is expanding her world because my mum takes her to whatever she is doing...yoga, church meetings, cafés, meeting friends, hairdressers etc.

My mum and dad say it takes a village to raise a child. It's wonderful to have the support and so positive to see your daughter building her own independent relationships.

And you have give your daughter a brother, someone who will be in her life forever. They will build their own memories together. My brother is 3 years younger than me and he was a screamer until he was 7 months old. I don't remember any of it! It will pass.

I have fingers and toes crossed my dc2 isn't heading the same route. It's total chance!

Loaf my DD1 could scream 4 hours at night and there was nothing wrong with her, that's normal newborn behaviour for most. It is incomparable to the endless screaming of a child you can't help through day and night where you are physically unable to put them down and VERY aware that your pfb is being deprived of your attention completely while all you can say is "in a minute in a minute".

And do you know what even if you had been through that and still felt able to be sunny and bright good on you, slow handcrafted for being precisely the person who makes others who struggle feel worse. For being the type of person who makes those sinking towards PND hide away and fake it rather than seeking help.

I think the shame should be on you.

The op has already said how guilty she feels how does saying she should feel ashamed help loaf?

My ds1 is hard work, far harder than I ever could have imagined especially compared to many friends very calm and content babies. I don't believe for a second it is anything we can control but I also know it won't last forever just keep going

I actually laughed at the holding upright for 30 mins post a feed.

That's not the reflux op means...

I remember sobbing on an amazing triage nurse because she couldn't examine dd2 properly because anytime she wasn't held upright by me she screamed the place down. 24 7 and she was 16 weeks at that point.

It's ok, out of all the messages of support and understanding loaf hasn't upset me because I don't feel ashamed, loaf I hope when you have number two who could potentially have reflux too that you will think back at how harsh you have been with me and then the shame will be in you. I am also open mouthed about your glib advice not to use gaviscon and hold upright, my ds was referred to a paediatriacian for his reflux, on a medicine that cost £300 a bottle. Don't patronise me with your stupid advice. And how can anyone feel anything but negatively when a poor baby is screaming literal 10-15 hours a day. No you wouldn't know, do don't judge.

andnow I love him and take care to make sure that he knows that.

strawberry you hit the nail on the head, he hasn't ruined my life, I felt like I had ruined it, changed it beyond recognition for dd by deciding to have another baby, if I had stopped at one I wouldn't have this constant heartache about how he is in pain, how I've subjected a little girl to a baby that constantly yells and cries, disturbing her sleep time, playtime, when she's reading, watching TV, out at the shop, at the park, at other peoples house, no matter where she goes she can't escape his crying and the fact that he gets constant attention because of it.
Try and maybe understand how that feels loaf putting a little 3 year old through that. We all love him, but we are all browsers beaten by how unhappy he is, and again I acknowledge that's not his fault hence the regret and guilt about the decision to have him.

I posted this yesterday in a moment of desperation, despair, frustration. It was a cry for help no matter how you have misinterpreted my tone. One or two out of all the lovely people who have empathised and felt the same at one point, that should say something about you.

Everyone else, I am overwhelmed at how caring you have all been, yes I think perhaps I have pnd, it's the black dog at the door trying to pull me down. I have fought and fought it, but it's creeping into my thoughts. There's feeling of inadequacy, better if I weren't here anymore feelings, feelings of regret for my life, of having children, feeling trapped and overwhelmed.

Thankyou again for this support, people in rl seem so blissfully happy with their babies and families, I wish I could be happy, I know someday I will be