sometimes I regret having number 2

[whereisthewitch]

I don't know why I'm posting this, maybe for some sort of understanding from mums who have been in a similar frame of mind?
I have a 6 month old ds, I also have a 3 yo too. Ds has been a nightmare since the day he was born,(or conceived I had HG)reflux, low weight gain, velcro baby. He screamed for the first 4 months of his life until I stared weaning him which seemed to end the misery of reflux ( on advice from paediatriacian).
Anyway, he is such hard work, still up 2 or three times a night, fights every naptime and bedtime. Is pretty much a whingey baby who isn't getting enough sleep despite how hard we try to get him to sleep.
He is teething at the moment which has brought back the all day crying.

I just can't take anymore, he ruined Christmas day because he cried and whinged all day long, he wants constant undivided attention. If I hug my 3 yo he goes mad, if you take a toy off him, he goes mad. My 3 yo yells at him to be quiet, hardly surprising.

I wish I could go back in time and not have him, I love him but I wish he wasn't here 95% of the time. I have constant regret about ruining our lives and that of my 3yo who gets very little attention these days.

I had pnd with my 3 yo so I know it's not that, I genuinely wish he wasn't here, I don't wish him harm please understand that, but I wish we had stopped at one.

I feel terrible saying that, my poor poor boy it's not his fault. Please tell me if won't always feel like this, I can't bear it :-(

Please excuse the typos, down to predictive text and a long tiring night.

I have reread my original post and can't see where you think I just can't be bothered with number 2. I've had a dd already, I know how hard parenting is, even in that knowledge we planned our second because he was very much wanted. We just never expected him to be so high needs.
Loaf maybe you should read the final few sentences of my original post.

where not sure if this is helpful or not, but don't think too much about other people and their situations and how happy and blissful they seem. Comparing situations doesn't really work well, there's probably a lot of people who look at you and think oh, DH, two kids, family around, she has a perfect life. Whereas you are understandably having a hard time right now and aren't finding it too perfect! Everyone has different struggles, and I'm sure you'll breeze through something another time that others find ridiculously tough.

And as for loaf - why would you, as a relatively new parent, take apparent glee from kicking someone when they're down. where needed a friendly ear and a bit of support. Shame on YOU.

Good morning, where. How are you this morning? Sounds like it was another rough night?

The feelings you describe could well be PND and are well worth having checked out. However, even if they arent PND, you may still be able to access support by getting an assessment done.

My local psych team judged that I wasn't depressed yet (although I have been in the past) but was teetering on the cusp of it because I was having similar feelings, had no family nearby and DH was already ill.

So between them and the HV they put me on a watch list and visited me twice a week for several months. They also gave me a help line to call in an emergency, which I used one very hot weekend when my LO stopped feeding altogether and the doc in A and E seemed convinced I was just attention seeking. Being able to talk my mind freely to someone who had an hour just for me and wouldn't be freaked out by anything I said was a life line, as well as helping me cut through other bureaucratic crap to get the help we both needed.

The psych assessment also acted as a trigger to get a faster referral to a specialist paediatrician who worked with us to find the right dosage to help my DS. Once he was sitting up and walking that also seemed to help no end so I hope you may be through much of the worst of it.

You are so brave and strong for not avoiding talking about MH issues. More power to your elbow, OP. Trying to care for a constantly crying baby for months and months and months is beyond tough and into a whole new space.

And Drop is quite right. I know it is really hard, but try not to compare. You always meet mums who are having a lovely time out and about because the people who are having a worse time than you haven't managed to leave the house and are still projectile crying in their jammies. You will probably meet them in a few months and bond!

Glad the thread is helping you. I think you sound like a brilliant mum coping with a little baby who needs so much from you and a three year old.

Getting your son back on ranitidine sounds like it might help and sorry if teaching to suck eggs here, but make sure they give you the right weight-adjusted dose and if bf, cut out trigger foods again (I keep on forgetting this with DS2 and then wonder why he's being more sick - dried fruit in all the Xmas food really seem to set both of mine off).

Meant to add that I had to keep DS1 on ranitidine until 10/11 months as when I tried to wean him off it earlier, the reflux came back, so that why I think it's worth going back to the doctor to discuss it. I also forgot about trigger foods once he was on solids and fed him a bolognese, I had to hand DS 1 over to DH in a nappy and jump in the shower as I was covered head to toe in it when he brought it all back up with his formula a couple of hours later. Now two years on, it makes me giggle but at the time I cried.

Sorry you're having such a tough time. This time of year makes it harder too. There seems to be an expectation to have a wonderful time with a perfect family, all the tv ads show are families with beautiful angelic babies. My ds has spoiled Christmas every year since he was born, he arrived on Christmas Eve (2 weeks early) 2 years ago, so I missed Christmas with my ds1 entirely, the next year he was miserable with an ear infection, this year Velcro non-sleeping toddler with a throat infection.

My mantra every year is - next year will be better :)

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Awh thankyou for the further messages, yes I'm fine this morning I came back to bed for an hour while.Dh got up with the kids.
always I gave up breastfeeding at 4 months it seemed to aggravate his pain plus near the end he was only feeding for 20 mins a day which obviously affected his weight gain. He is still on formula thickened with carobel. He loves spoonfeeds but it's a struggle feeding him his milk, I think he associates it with pain.

ocelot regarding the mental health stuff, I will speak to my gp although not sure we have a team here like you had, midwives and health visitors are very attentive after the babys birth but 6months down the line there's no support unless you seek it out which isn't good imo.

snow yes next year will definitely be better, I will have a 18 month old who will hopefully be alot more settled!

I know I've come rather late to the party, but I just wanted to say OP, thank you for posting. I have 6 week old DD, 2yo DS and a second bout of severe PND. I have similar thoughts to yours regularly. I feel terribly sorry that you're having such a rough time, but it's good to know that I'm not the only one who's having these thoughts.
I too feel very sad that I've been cheated out of the lovely experience that others talk about. Instead I feel constantly sad and anxious. BUT I hold on to the idea that I felt hopeless before and things got better, so I hope that it will again.
I've found the responses to your post really uplifting and have taken strength from them, even though they weren't meant for me.
I can offer no advice on your situation, just supportive thoughts and the knowledge that you aren't alone! Btw, it sounds to me like you are doing a fabulous job in very difficult circumstances x

scaredycat big hugs to you, I'm glad my thread has brought you some comfort, all the lovely ladies who have commented (except one of course) have really picked me up off the floor that i was on yesterday when I wrote the post. people who have had the same experience as us and know how brutal it can all be at times.
Have a hug and a and and we will get through this, as you say we have done it once it can be done again.

Have you tried special baby formula that has broken down milk proteins? My ds and second child used to wake 5 times a night at 5 months and I was breastfeeding him/formula (introducing it at that itme). Anyway, I decided bc of his sudden rash all over his body (after we introduced the one bottle of formula) that he must have an intolerance to milk protein or dairy all together. I cut dairy from my diet and continued to breastfeed, and switched to milk formula where the protein is broken down more. It was smiliac allementum. They do not sell in the UK, but they have something similar. Anyway, the day I switched he slepted for 1.5 hour nap (a mircale!) and at night only woke 2 times….another miracle! Every month or so I tried eating dairy and sure enough more night wakings…but by the time he was 8 months, he had out grown the allergy (would try every few weeks some dairy to see) and now he is fine. He did continute to wake once or twice a night up until about 2 weeks ago. Part of it was bc I would just go to him and give him milk. I did try cry it out a little…but didnt want to let him cry. I did let him cry 20 mins or so when younger…but as he got older, I just thought I will go to him. Anyway…last couple weeks I thought sod it…he is 14 months! So when he woke he would cry a min or two and then back to sleep…after a couple days no more waking. You will get there. And when sleep improves, I am sure your mood towards your baby will improve. Also, he could be extra fussy due to an allergy…which makes him uncomfortable.

That sounds like a really difficult situation, I really hope things get better for you all soon. In one of your posts you said you felt bad that your daughter goes off to your mum once a week - as someone else said I think this is really positive, I don't have anything like the issues you have but I know how much my parents and my in-laws enjoy spending time with my son and I think it's good for him to have other people in his life, a different perspective, change of scenery etc. Also, it sounds like your daughter spends a lot of time with you and the baby and while I can understand you don't feel you are giving her much attention, don't forget you are setting her a great example of how to be a patient, caring parent in very difficult circumstances.

Really hope it gets better for you.

Another thought: is there a local teenager who could come and help out a few hours a week when you haven't got anyone else around? You might find someone who is wanting to apply for eg nursing/childcare/social work course or similar and needs experience of volunteering with children for their CV? Even if you don't leave the baby with them, it might help to have some company and an extra pair of hands? And if the baby would scream anyway if you change his nappy, for example, maybe getting someone else to change his nappy while you make yourself a cup of tea out of earshot might be helpful?

None of this might be helpful at all, so do ignore if not.

Imeg those are good suggestions, I am lucky to have a good support network and my sister helps alot too, I suppose it's not so much the physical help but more the emotional and mental support that I crave, people to understand and say "yes witch it's okay to not be enjoying this, not everyone does" whereas all my friends bar maybe one or two don't seem to understand or if they do won't admit to it.

mamabear I was told by the paediatriacian that if he had an allergy he would have a rash, sore but, coughing plus other symptoms, all he has is silent reflux which should be managed with a thickener, early weaning and an antacid. It's my fault that he isn't getting the ranitidine I felt it was giving him diarrhoea and once we weaned he seemed to get alot better, until the teething started.

I appreciate each an every ones input sorry if I haven't addressed everyone's posts but believe me they have really helped!
Someone mentioned cranio osteopathy, I'm going to look into that too, thankyou.

I took my DS for cranial osteopathy as he was a very unsettled baby. I was too deeply in the fog to really see a difference but my mum (who is usually a sceptic) swears that it made a difference to DS. When things are so tough I reckon everything is worth a try!

Just had another thought where. If you have the £ how about hiring an experienced doula? They usually do immediately after birth but as their remit is to mother the mother,maybe one would consider being there for you now?

That would be great ocelot but not an awful lot of doulas in my area and I'm not really into the whole attachment parenting scene that they tend to be a fan of. No idea will be fine, I'm just going to have to take this as day at a time, hopefully I can get something to manage my anxiety and stress levels and learn to be a good mum all over again.

Writing it all down and admitting my feelings has definitely been therapeutic so thank you for listening and responding

Yes, I know what you mean. I interviewed a lot of those before finding what I wanted - a seen it all, done it all, do whatever you need to do to get through granny who was FAB for the birth and cooked/looked after me for a couple of weeks afterwards.

But I totally wouldnt have had the energy or inclination to go through such an extensive sifting process afterwards. If you are in E or S London/ Essex I will happily PM you my doulas contact if that sort of person would be of any use to you now.

I am also genuinely sorry that your MH team aren't all that. But glad that this thread is helping. It really does sound like you are doing a brill job in a very hard situation and I hope it gets easier for you soon

I'm in NI Ocelot so not an awful lot of support in that respect, I find the postnatal care of women who are susceptible to PND very lacking in my area, they made such a song and dance about it during my second pregnancy because I had it first time around, but once the last questionnaire was done a while back there has been no follow up. You'd think given the many suicide deaths from pnd and post natal psychosis affected women would spur on a more efficient aftercare for women who feel vulnerable.

I do feel vulnerable, alot of the time I plaster a smile on my face and pretend I'm good when inside I'm screaming and wishing for a way to go back in time, back to a time before marriage, kids, responsibilities. I think one of my main problems is that I don't cope well with change, I find it hard to come to terms with.

Hello OP, just wanted to add my tuppence worth. I have one dd and one on the way so nothing like your situation but I do have a painful disability as a result of pregnancy with dd. We have been lucky enough to have a mother's help since dd was right months old and it has made all the difference to managing the stress if our situation. She's early twenties so a bit like a young auntie and full of energy. She flies around getting the house sorted out before taking dd out on her bike/playing one on one with her. Many of our challenges are still there but at least we have a clean house and the reassurance of knowing dd is relaxed and attended to for a good block of time each day. Dd didn't particularly like her at the beginning but we persevered. The difference between asking paid help to do something tiring/stressful and asking family is huge. I can't pretend to understand the difficulties of your situation but I do wonder if it would be helpful/possible to get someone in mornings to do one hour of housework and three hours of childcare. I know it wouldn't solve the emotional aspect but still.

I'm in NI too, feel free to pm me if you'd like to. X

I totally agree Where. If you look at who really struggles with mental health issues, the two biggest groups are young men and mothers. I think it is not just a medical issue but also says something about how little support our society generally gives to mothers. Unless you are lucky and live near caring relations, you are often left isolated at the very time when you are most vulnerable.

Your post is so eloquent. I wish I could give you a hug. I have vivid memories of accidentally getting on the wrong bus in those sleep deprived, black days and realising it was the bus to my old flat which I just lived in with my DP. And I just sat in the bus shelter and cried and cried and cried because I so, SO much wanted to get the bus back to my old life.

I really, really feel for you

Thankyou again ocelot , you and all the other kind and empathetic posters really picked me up off the floor last night and today, I'm honestly can't thank you enough for all of it.
Saturn thankyou for your advice and kind offer too, I know what you mean about practicalities although my dh is very good and helps cool and clean so I'm not too bad that way plus I do a bit when dd goes to my mums and ds has a bit of a nap.

ocelot I can identify with that feeling, when I go to my mums, my childhood home, sometimes I don't want to come home to my house now, Christmas is especially difficult because I have some many happy memories and going home means dealing with the children and being solely responsible again, my house has become less of a haven and more of a prison, a feeling that had gradually gotten worse since I was off work ill in my pregnancy.

Today has been a good day so for that I'm grateful, Ds hasn't been too whingey and went to bed tonight without any bother.

Thankyou again everyone, I'm so grateful for all the support, advice and reassurance you have given me. Strength to carry on and not despair anymore which was how I felt yesterday.

I am a lone parent and had PTSD after no 2 and no help at all. It was hell for about the first two years. I felt so guilty all the time. Then they started playing together and is just wonderful. It does get easier. Having coped with no 1 very easily I was annihilated by the arrival of no. 2 at every level. One thing i wish I could have done - hand the baby to someone and spend more time alone with no. 1.