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Original poster

My son is aggressive ? Yours is a push over *age 2/3

105 replies

Thaleiax2 · 22/09/2014 19:13

Hi,

just want to have your thoughts. We moved to a new area and still need to make new friends. My DS is 2.4 years old. We are in 2 playgroups in the area but he is the oldest.

We see two other boys, both aged 3 at their or our home and the playground. One just left and his mum was commenting on how aggressive DS. I am shocked. I think that boys should be exactly like that!

DS is physical, it runs in the family. My DH plays rugby and my brother and nephews are wrestlers (greek roman not American show jumping), he can tackle and fall, he likes running around and does everything with a big fat smile on his face. Is he getting it wrong something, yes. Is he a handful, yes. Does he hit, no. He doesn't cry either, well at least not easily. Having said that, he is 2 years old and is unreasonable, can not share and is basically a bipolar teenager and has to deal with the fact that he has now a 6 months old brother which also needs mummy's attention.

I see her son as a cry baby and push over. When DS started to playful wrestle with him, on the one hand she said to him: darling, tell him no and on the other, push back, defend yourself. And her son is crying all the time. She is very nice though! And she is expecting another baby, so they are similar to our situation.

The other mum and her DS is on the same page as I am. Let the children sort themselves out. Of course that doesn't mean they should kill each other but till one cries or almost cries we let them be.

What do you think is aggressive or what would you consider being a push over. I am a bit rattled as I never thought I would be the mother of the bully. As I said, he is 2.

Thx,
Thali

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 22/09/2014 19:45

So is the other boy crying all the time or not? If he's crying you say you will step in....

I don't let my DC make other children cry. It's a really strict rule I have, no matter how harmless the words/ action may seem.

oif · 22/09/2014 19:45

"I see her son as a cry baby and a push over" - if I knew you thought this of my child I would want nothing to do with you or your child. Seeing someone hurt and being disdainful of their 'weakness', is to me a bullying mindset.

If my child was playing roughly with another child in a way which made them cry I would say, as I repeat to them both often, " if you are doing something to someone else that they don't like then you must stop immediately".

I say this to my 2yo and he understands. He is boisterous but he says sorry and offers hugs and kisses when he hurts other kids.

I let him play roughly with other children if they both seem fine, but we have absolute rules about no kicking, biting, hitting, pinching or punching. If he does any of these I remove him from the situation immediately, apologise for him and encourage him to apologise.

I am trying to teach my kids to respect other peoples feelings, and also to expect their own feelings to be respected.

If you think boys should be aggressive and should have no regard for the feelings of 'cry babies' it sounds like you are trying to raise a bully.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 22/09/2014 19:48

Being aggressive is not how boys should be.

You are allowing your son to hurt other children and then blaming them for not being tough enough? Nice.

Only1scoop · 22/09/2014 19:51

Sounds like you are proud of bringing up an 'aggressive' 2 yo Hmm

Preciousbane · 22/09/2014 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5madthings · 22/09/2014 19:58

I have four boys and I hate all this boy's are rough/don't be a cry baby bullshit.

Sounds like you are letting your child be too rough. Not all children like rough lay and at 2/3 yrs old it can easily get out of hand as they don't know their own strength.

Sorry but it's not ok to let your son behave like this. If he has lots of physical energy (as many toddlers, girls and boys do) then make sure you get him outside to run around, take him to the park or soft play etc. But you can't let him be rough with other children.

HauntedNoddyCar · 22/09/2014 19:58

How would you feel if he wrestled your baby? You are sending signals that his way is ok even if another child doesn't like it. Even if the other child is upset.

Smartiepants79 · 22/09/2014 20:07

Some rough play is to be expected from many toddler of any gender BUT if some one is crying its not really play any more is it?
My youngest DD could take the knocks with the best of them but my eldest would have been utterly bewildered and very upset. She is confident and no 'wuss' but physcialy hurting others is simply outside of her personality (verbal, now that's another matter!)
If the ther child is distressed it's time to reign it in.

Calling a small child a cry baby is not really acceptable. It's a very unkind thing to say about anyone.

lotsofcheese · 22/09/2014 21:21

I don't think 2 year olds can be left to "sort it out " amongst themselves. Sounds more like an abstention of parental responsibility or lack of boundaries.

My son would love to wrestle, but we have a rule he only wrestles/tackles daddy . It is not appropriate to be tackling or wrestling with other children at 2.

If you don't start having boundaries & rules now eg kind/gentle hands, no pushing/ hitting etc, then you are going to lose a lot of friends. At nursery/school Rough behaviour is not tolerated so you may as well start now .

CultureSucksDownWords · 22/09/2014 21:48

Being physical is not better (or worse) than being less so. It's just different. Boys are all individuals, as are girls, and some may be physical and sporty whilst others may not. There's no rule that says that boys must be physical or there's something wrong with them.

You sound incredibly dismissive of children that are not like your son. It's really rude to refer to those other children as "cry babies" and "push overs". Why on earth are you letting your son make other children cry? And then sounding a bit proud of how "physical" your son is. It doesn't matter if you think the other children are too sensitive - he's still making them cry, which is horrible.

I'm afraid I agree with other posters that you seem to actually like the idea of your son being a bully, and that you encourage and approve of that kind of thinking.

papercliplover · 22/09/2014 21:50

Your son is going to be a bully if you do not change your attitude.

Good luck when he meets someone bigger and more physical.

Littlefish · 22/09/2014 21:56

It is not appropriate to let your ds wrestle/push other children. If he does it, you need to remove him from the situation. The fact that the other child cries shows how uncomfortable he is with the situation. This does not show that your child is braver, it just shows that you are not dealing with the situation appropriately.

I agree with other posters that I would not continue with a friendship with you if my child was on the receiving end of your child's behaviour, given your obvious pride in this poor behaviour.

teacher54321 · 22/09/2014 21:58

My ds is 2 1/2 and very strong and active. He does lots of tickling and physical play with dh and I but I've never seen him touch another child like that, and would be mortified if he did. He got overexcited and hit my CM's daughter once about 6 months ago and I was so embarrassed.

This 'boys will be boys' attitude is a cop out, an excuse for aggressive behaviour and lack of appropriate boundaries.

BumGravy · 22/09/2014 21:59

Your son is pushing other kids around. Its not something other kids should put up with.
The mum of the kid that yours pushed over did the right thing, in my opinion, and told you. You should have apologised and made him say sorry.
If I was the other mum I would avoid you.
Having a new sibling is no excuse either.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 22/09/2014 22:00

You're bringing up a bully. Well done you.

Hoppinggreen · 22/09/2014 22:03

What Keema said!!!!

strawberrypenguin · 22/09/2014 22:09

Yes, your son sounds aggressive to me. If he's 'wrestling' other children to the point of hurting them its not 'play' and you need to step in.

IneedAwittierNickname · 22/09/2014 22:10

My son hated play fighting/rough and tumble with anyone but his dad at that age. In fact he still doesn't like it at 10.

If another child repeatedly made him cry by playing such games I'd stop seeing them tbh. Unless the mum was trying her hardest to put a stop to it.

sanfairyanne · 22/09/2014 22:16

it isnt really a good idea to let kids that age wrestle with each other and make each other cry
pretty soon, most parents will keep their kids well away
save it for 'with dad' or other adults who can help him control his force

PacificDogwood · 22/09/2014 22:17

I have 4 boys (youngest now 4) - they have fought with each other and other children far more physically than I ever expected or want. It is the biggest challenge in my parenting.

We have a strict 'no hitting' rule that they all understand, but sadly not follow when cross.
I won't go in all the ins and outs of what we have done to address this issue - I am just outing myself in solidariy with the OP.

'Physical' children need to learn to control their exuberance - as more sensitive children need to learn to have some degree of tolerance of noise/bumping in to them/disagreeing with others.

At 2 years of age you DS is still a toddler and Not Reasonable.

It is your job as his mother to stop him doing whatever it is that distressed the other child. The other child's mother will have to deal with her child's personality as she wishes/sees fit.

I absolutely hate the level of aggression my boys show at times, even though a lot of it is 'in-fighting', but I disagree that a 2 yo can be a 'bully'.

PacificDogwood · 22/09/2014 22:17

Wrt to play fighting: it's only play fighting as long as everybody involved is having fun.

mineofuselessinformation · 22/09/2014 22:21

You sound lovely.... Errrr, not.

CultureSucksDownWords · 22/09/2014 22:21

I agree that a 2 year old isn't a bully, but he is in danger of becoming one of his behaviour isn't challenged by his mum.

whethergirl · 22/09/2014 22:23

If the boys are fighting, then of course you should step in. but till one cries or almost cries we let them be I'm not sure this should be how you gauge whether or not should get involved (especially as your son hardly ever cries). You're meant to try and stop it before it goes to far, not when it's gone too far.
Your views of what a boy should be like are not only outdated, but damaging (including to your own son) and disrespectful.

Boys don't have to be rough. They can be gentle, they can cry, they can play with dolls and their favourite colour can be pink.
We are raising a generation of boys who are able to feel a full range of emotions without feeling that they're compromising their manliness, who use their wits not their fists, who treat women with respect and not control them with physical violence, who take on their share of the housework, who are not afraid to come out if they're gay and who co-parent their own children because it's not just the woman's job.

Well that's what I'm doing anyway. I find it sad that you're raising a 'man' and not a person.

PacificDogwood · 22/09/2014 22:27

Of course you should step in if they are fighting - that can be done without taking sides which is the 'allowing them to sort it out' (although one could argue that 2 year olds are a bit young for reasoned debate). You don't have to take sides in order to teach your DS that it is never ok to hurt somebody else.