My son is aggressive ? Yours is a push over *age 2/3

[Thaleiax2]

Hi,

just want to have your thoughts. We moved to a new area and still need to make new friends. My DS is 2.4 years old. We are in 2 playgroups in the area but he is the oldest.

We see two other boys, both aged 3 at their or our home and the playground. One just left and his mum was commenting on how aggressive DS. I am shocked. I think that boys should be exactly like that!

DS is physical, it runs in the family. My DH plays rugby and my brother and nephews are wrestlers (greek roman not American show jumping), he can tackle and fall, he likes running around and does everything with a big fat smile on his face. Is he getting it wrong something, yes. Is he a handful, yes. Does he hit, no. He doesn't cry either, well at least not easily. Having said that, he is 2 years old and is unreasonable, can not share and is basically a bipolar teenager and has to deal with the fact that he has now a 6 months old brother which also needs mummy's attention.

I see her son as a cry baby and push over. When DS started to playful wrestle with him, on the one hand she said to him: darling, tell him no and on the other, push back, defend yourself. And her son is crying all the time. She is very nice though! And she is expecting another baby, so they are similar to our situation.

The other mum and her DS is on the same page as I am. Let the children sort themselves out. Of course that doesn't mean they should kill each other but till one cries or almost cries we let them be.

What do you think is aggressive or what would you consider being a push over. I am a bit rattled as I never thought I would be the mother of the bully. As I said, he is 2.

Thx,
Thali

For what it's worth not all children like rough play. It doesn't make them any less of a 'boy'. If your 2 year old tried to play fight with my 2 year old he wouldn't understand it because he doesn't like rough and tumble. He'd be scared and assume your child was trying to hurt him. In my experience children find it very hard to understand what is appropriate between being rough and having fun and getting carried away and hurting someone. The don't know their own strength. This is the very reason why 'play fighting' isn't tolerated in schools. It always escalates.

I think you need to change your attitude and also teach your son to be more gentle.

It seems like you think that boys have to be 'tough'. Your choice to describe a toddler as a 'pushover' makes me think that.

You should prevent your son from 'play wrestling'. It is upsetting other children.

That 3-year-old should just man-up. Hasn't anyone taught him gender norms yet?

I'm very interested to hear what the OP thinks of these responses???

I work with this age group. You have a blind spot about aggression. The majority of parents do not think the way you do.

You're doing your son no favors at all. Calling other children cry babies? Really? Placing the blame on the victim.

You're not teaching your son to understand that others feelings matter. He will be a bully if you continue to promote his behavior.

You need to wise up. People avoid children like your son.

What will you do when your DS gets physical with your new baby when it's a toddler. Will that be ok?

A lot of people are telling you that you are rearing a bully. Listen to them. he sounds horrible but it isn't his fault, it's yours.

Maybe you'll be writing to MN in a few years wondering why he has no friends. Remember this thread if you do.

Is it just boys that "should" be this way?

How would you expect a girl to behave? Similarly agressive? Or would you expect them to be a weak push over?

Not at 2, no.

There is a difference between aggressive and physical.

DS1 was very physics but very gentle towards others DS2 struggled I learn the boundaries (possibly due to living with DS1).

When they are at school they will learn 'stop it I don't like it' which is all about how to assert yourself when someone is doing something you don't like and take the feelings of others into account.

Sounds like you could both do with some

I had a friend with a boy 4 months younger than DS2.

He was a gentle soul.

When dS2 first met him he immediately walked over to him and pushed him to the floor resulting in floods of tears. It was almost if he could smell the weakness

Difference is, I was mortified. DS2 went back in the pushchair for 5 minutes and was given a stern talking to.

It's really awful that you see any toddler as a 'cry baby' - some children are more sensitive than others. Some have siblings and are used to more physical play, or come from more 'physical' families - others don't.

Of course I say this because my son - now 4 - is still and has always been a sensitive child. He doesn't like being pushed or shoved. He doesn't really enjoy physical play unless he knows the other kids. Soft play only works if no one pushes him around. There have been moments when I've wished he wasn't quite so sensitive, but then I realised I don't like being pushed around either. Who does?

Some of my friends have more physically confident kids. Do they let their children push my son around? No. We let them get on with it, but if one of them makes him cry by a hit or a shove they'd be told off. Not met with approval for being aggressive. Over time my son has got a bit braver with this stuff. Not as much as you'd like, no doubt.

Ok, a few things: English is not my first language and reading your comments I should have phrased it differently, I wouldn't have thought that Cry Baby is an insult.

Also, I posted for advice and not absolution. If I wanted abuse, I would have chosen the I am unreasonable threat.

Lastly, I want to defend myself or should I say explain?! Re boys will be boys. Yes, I like being a MOB. I know now more about diggers and snails and bugs than I ever wanted and that he likes running around and rugby and football and being muddy and all the things he is made of. It wasn't intended in a caveman style men are better than women way. Hope that clarifies that bid.

I was rattled and posted immediately after the playdate with the other boy when his mum said it. Not lots of people are always telling me like someone implies. DS is a wild one, always was. In part it might be because he also plays with the kids in the neighborhood aged 4 - 7. And within this group of five or six children he can hold his own. And I am proud of it.

Thanks for the constructive posts. I think a trampoline is a good idea, we are already walking lots but at the end of the afternoon and since he dropped his pm nap, less tired would be better. It then when things get more difficult and also the little one kicks of.

I'm on my phone so can't scroll back but someone said something about interfering and not let it come to tears. So how do you do it, have 2 of everything? He finds sharing and waiting his turn hard. Especially when he didn't know that he wanted the toy before the other child had it!

Lastly, the ones who have predicted that he will be a charmer - not and will have no friends ever .... These comments really hurt. Ad I said, I was unfortunate with my phrases but you were mean and unhelpful. Or do you think I can learn from a throw away like that.

I love my sons and I want to be the best parent I can be and if I see things through tinted glasses I am grateful for an eye opener. I just "forgot" that there are more sensitive and sensible children out there or the ones which never encounter rough play.

Btw, I apologized to the other mum for DS and my behavior and we agreed to meet again, in the morning and playground.

Thaleiax you sound far more reasonable and rational in your last post than in your first. I think you have realised that wrestling and even pretend aggression is not acceptable. Not for boys or girls. It's really not an attractive trait to encourage in either gender. I have always taught my sons to listen and respond to others. Neither of them play fight because it is not something they enjoy and like I say it isn't tolerated in UK school because usually it escalates or someone gets hurt. It's really worth while teaching your son a more appropriate way to interact. I would be very, very unhappy if another child thought it was OK to hit mine or push him. A 'cry baby' he might be in your eyes but he will grow to be a gentleman while yours will be a bully if you don't curb this behaviour now.

My ds does the wanting whatever my dd asks for or goes to use. It's simple to say no x is having a go and if you wait a bit it will be your turn. Sometimes that involves protests but sticking firmly to it will eventually drum it in.
The reality is that unless your ds learns to temper his aggression when around other children who are not as agressive then those children won't want to be his friend. Why would they?
Your job is to teach him how to understand what's appropriate. Even rugby has rules and sanctions it isn't just a riot with a ball.

You do sound somewhat more reasonable, but it's obvious you still have quite a prescriptive idea of what a toddler boy 'should' be like. Just because male family members wrestle, and because your son hangs out with bigger children, this does not make your two-year-old's aggression towards his peers ok.

For what it's worth, the children running around wrestling and climbing and being very physical and roughhousing at our local play groups are almost all tough 3 year old girls. And their parents take them aside or remove them if they are causing another child distress, regardless of gender. If they didn't, and their child caused consistent distress, they would be asked to remove their child from the group.

You need to teach your child to share and to deal with conflict non-violently - it comes naturally to few toddlers.

As you've said English is not your first language, please bear in mind that that 'crybaby' and 'pushover' are unpleasant, judgemental terms to apply to a small child.

And please don't pass on your macho 'boys should be rough' values to a small child who may already be picking up the messages that mummy doesn't like him to cry, that less physical children are weak sissies, and that real men wrestle /play rugby, so he has to be like that.

Your attitude in regards to what boys 'should' be like sucks.

Wise up.

Ok, so to teach your child to share and take turns you need to actively supervise and enforce it at this age. He won't always like it so you have to be prepared to remove him from the situation if it becomes too much for him. My DS is 2.2 and is usually ok at taking his turn and with sharing. However it has taken months of enforcing this.

It's worth it though as I feel that installing manners, patience, empathy, kindness etc are important aspects for children to develop. It will stand them in good stead for social situations. Any big child can simply physically dominate other children, but it won't benefit them in the long run as people have explained.

at 'riot with a ball'. It's true, though.

Also, I'm not saying there's anything at all wrong with boys (or girls) being boisterous. My own (male) toddler tends towards that end of the spectrum a lot of the time. But I'm not labouring under the delusion that boys have to be rough/sporty simply because they're male, or that 'boys don't cry'. He needs to learn to live in society, with the compromises and rules that entails, and to deal non-violently and fairly with other people - other than that, he's at liberty to be an arm-wrestling, permanently battered, extreme sports type or a poetry-writing gentle soul obsessed with train-spotting or making cakes, or any of the stages in between.

It's fine for children to play rough games as long as everyone is enjoying it and it isn't getting so rough it's dangerous. Both boys and girls can enjoy it, it isn't a sign of being "proper boy"

However, 2 is really late to be teaching a child that they need to be aware of what other people want. My just turned two year is very capable of understanding that although she likes doing x, other people may not. You need to teach your son that although he likes playing rough, other children do not and if he knows someone doesn't like it it is not okay to do it.

Playing rough isn't bullying. Letting a child repeatedly hurt other children and make them unhappy under the guise of playing rough is a sign of poor parenting. If you let him continue like this he is going to end up being the boy who no one wants to play with and never gets invited to birthday parties.

English may not be your first language but it doesn't disguise your attitude to your child's behaviour, nor your feelings towards the other, softer children.

Harsh comments may have hurt you but you have to realise that it's your son who is going to be hurt long term because of your attitude - your son is going to be the one who no one invites to parties because he hasn't been taught how to restrain himself, your son who is going to bear the brunt of your mismanagement of his behaviour.

You want to be the best mum you can, of course you do! So listen to the posters who are telling you that they would not want your child around - he is still young enough to turn it around and become a considerate child who doesn't feel the need to strong-arm other, weaker children and make them cry.

The only thing boys are "better" than girls at is peeing standing up.

And nobody should tell them any different. A child can do anything or be anything they want to. Their sex is irrelevant to their interests and achievements.

I have a daughter who ran towards the snake brought into school. They boys all ran away. She like snakes, the boys don't. That's all.

I dread to think what you are teaching your boys about girls. They are obviously the weaker, inferior sex.

I have two boys who are very close in age (13 months apart) and they are both quite physical with each other somtimes. I tell them off if they hit each other or are aggressive to each other and have noticed that if DS1 attacks DS2 (or vice versa) they always shout a lot but THEY DON'T FIGHT BACK.

I'm actually quite surprised at that, but they don't. They ALWAYS wait for me to wade in and sort it out. I think it's partly because I have never once told them to fight back and am usually within shouting distance. More important, it shows you that a 2yo and a 3yo are capable of restraining themselves and not hitting (at least as long as they're not tired, hungry or in pain, at which point everyone is a bit less in control).

My strategy has always been to put the aggressive one in the corridor/highchair/pram for 2 or 3 minutes, to ignore them for that time and to devote my positive attention to the victim. As time has passed, DS2 is now sometimes the aggressive one and he gets treated just as his brother does. It is NOT his brother's fault for 'not fighting back'; it is his fault for being aggressive. I need to teach him that there are negative consequences to aggressive behaviour and that it is not the victim's fault for not 'standing up to him'.

It may surprise you to learn that I do actually sympathise with your situation - having kids with different tolerances for physical play and meeting with parents who have different opinions too can be hard work sometimes. My advice is to make sure your kids are respectful of the feelings of others and to also possibly select parents whose opinions are more similar to yours, as this will mean less confusion all round

You also have a six-month-old son, I see, OP. It's perfectly possible he'll be an entirely different child at two - gentle, not very physically adventurous, easily brought to tears. Are you going to teach him those are things to be ashamed of, that he needs to 'man up', although barely out of babyhood, because that's what you prefer?

My son also loves to wrestle and stuff (he's 3)

He knows that there are a couple of his friends (and his Dad) who also love it, but that otherwise it's not ok to do it.

It's all about getting him to think about the other person and whether they are also enjoying the game.

Because if they're not, then it isn't a game is it, it's just hurting someone.

I do think, though that if there's an agreed rough-housing situation then no-one should come crying to mummy telling tales.

You are raising a bully. Seeing as how you are calling other 2 year old children names I think this is more down to you than that fact your husband plays rugby.

I think you need to change your attitude or you and your DS may find yourself short of friends.