My son is aggressive ? Yours is a push over *age 2/3

[Thaleiax2]

Hi,

just want to have your thoughts. We moved to a new area and still need to make new friends. My DS is 2.4 years old. We are in 2 playgroups in the area but he is the oldest.

We see two other boys, both aged 3 at their or our home and the playground. One just left and his mum was commenting on how aggressive DS. I am shocked. I think that boys should be exactly like that!

DS is physical, it runs in the family. My DH plays rugby and my brother and nephews are wrestlers (greek roman not American show jumping), he can tackle and fall, he likes running around and does everything with a big fat smile on his face. Is he getting it wrong something, yes. Is he a handful, yes. Does he hit, no. He doesn't cry either, well at least not easily. Having said that, he is 2 years old and is unreasonable, can not share and is basically a bipolar teenager and has to deal with the fact that he has now a 6 months old brother which also needs mummy's attention.

I see her son as a cry baby and push over. When DS started to playful wrestle with him, on the one hand she said to him: darling, tell him no and on the other, push back, defend yourself. And her son is crying all the time. She is very nice though! And she is expecting another baby, so they are similar to our situation.

The other mum and her DS is on the same page as I am. Let the children sort themselves out. Of course that doesn't mean they should kill each other but till one cries or almost cries we let them be.

What do you think is aggressive or what would you consider being a push over. I am a bit rattled as I never thought I would be the mother of the bully. As I said, he is 2.

Thx,
Thali

I encountered this recently - my friend's little boy (2.5) spent a playdate pushing my DD (3.0). She didn't push back because I have told her that pushing is naughty. She was very confused that the boy was allowed to be violent while she wasn't.

My friend dismissed it as "he's just a typical boy." No, he's not. DD would be pushing back and worse if I hadn't taught her not to. The problem is is that you're allowing him to be aggressive. You're teaching your son that being aggressive is acceptable and that anyone who doesn't like it is weaker. This attitude will not hold him in good stead throughout his life and his dealing with other people.

Needless to say I won't be having another playdate with my friend.

Micah: "The only thing boys are "better" than girls at is peeing standing up."

My DD is quite good at peeing standing up! She thinks it's hysterical. She's not materially splashier than DS when she does it, either...

You say you are a certainly seem incredibly 'proud' he can 'hold his own' with 5 and 7 year olds.

He is 2 for goodness sake.

You mention 'Rugby' and wrestling with other small children like badges of honour....you may not be to proud in the future. Sounds like you have a stereotypical image of how boys should act.

I hope you encourage a kinder gracious play on next play date.

I'm glad the other mother is still talking to you

many kids would be like this if not parented properly. they need to be taught to share/take turns/not hit. if you dont teach them, they dont learn.

when your younger child is a year older, he will have a terrible time of it if the older one has not been taught that 'might is not right'

DS1 is a gentle child. He was friendly at playgroup with a child of an aggressive nature, but because the child's mother was always keeping an eye out and telling her son off when he got aggressive, we stayed friends and the boys played at each other's houses - but we had to keep an eye on them! Difference between my friend and the OP is that she knew her son had aggressive tendencies and was mortified whenever he attacked another child, she didn't sit back and think "oh look at him, he's just such a boy, I'm so proud of him pushing over a boy who's 18m bigger than him, isn't he great?"

I felt sorry for her because her husband was more of the problem - he did think "his boy" was great for being the way he was, so she got no back up from him. But many of the other mums at the playgroup were quite snippy about her, her parenting style, and her son, and he didn't get too many invitations to play or parties.

She has another son now, as do I. Her second son is worse than the first one, if anything, and although she did try to come back to our playgroup, it was such a repeat scenario of the way it was with her DS1, that she couldn't bear it again and left, never to return.
I took both DSs over to hers for a playdate between the older 2 boys, but to see if our younger two would get on as well - er, no. My Ds2 is no pushover, in fact he's the rougher of my two and will happily try to fell his big brother (there's 5 years between them!) and then sit on him - but he was completely outdone by her DS2 and I decided that I didn't need to put him through that; or, in fact, her as it made her so embarrassed.

I worry about my Ds2. He is a lot rougher than DS1 but I don't let him get away with it - Ds1 might be nearly 7 to DS2's nearly 2, but DS2 can beat him up quite successfully if I let him! Ds1 isn't allowed to retaliate of course because DS2 is so much smaller than him - but teaching DS2 that he's not to hurt DS1 is my top priority, because I don't want to become "that mum" who is unable to stop my child from bashing the others at playgroup, at parties, at preschool, in the park etc. etc.

So you can call my comments "mean and unhelpful" if you choose, OP, but, as I said in my previous post, you'd do better to listen to them, and others like them, to understand what future you're setting up for your son(s).

And as for the not sharing this should be being taught with day to day manners.

I see her son as a cry baby and push over

nice............

A cry baby and a push over?

You are well on the way to bringing up a nasty bully, by the sound of it. Have a good hard think about what sort of person you want your DS to grow into before you start teaching him that showing sadness or upset is a sign of 'weakness'.

I know you're getting a hard time, OP, but it is going to make your son's life harder in the long run if he is taught that being a "cry baby" is wrong, and being tough and physical is good.

He will lose friends - my boys (sporty, strong but sensitive), both refused to play with children who played too rough. In one case, my ds1's best friend from toddler days was "banned" from our house by my son after he jumped on another child's head at ds1's party.

One friend's son was asked to leave a group because he was too rough. Ten years later, he still struggles with authority and friendships at school.

A child in ds's class has a father who has taught him that he should "be a man". This child is actually quite a sweet boy, but the children simply won't invite him on play dates or parties because he is, frankly, violent. He is a great footballer, but is not in the school team, and has been asked to leave various academies because of his tendancy to get into brawls, and headbut team mates if they don't pass the ball.

It's about learning boundaries, empathy, consideration, discipline. All very well to say boys will be boys when they are two years old. Far harder when they're in juniors at primary school and have the reputation of the class bully. You need to take a step back now.

yes, the fact that he can hold his own with 7 year olds is really only because the 7 year olds have been taught not to hurt others. it is actually really horrible for older children when they are attacked by younger ones. they dont want to hit back but it hurts!

always wondered what was going through the mothers heads when they watch their kids whack other kids

As a mum of a boy who doesn't like to play rough you're my worst nightmare! DS likes to run around and play chase with other children he chooses to play with typical "boys toys" he likes getting dirty he does not like being rugby tackled to the floor squashed and kicked this doesn't make him less of a boy than your son. I hate this man up stop acting like a girl/baby bullshit. 2 year olds don't sort things out for themselves they need to be guided if one child is not enjoying the rough and tumble game it's not really a game! You're teaching him that it's okay to do things to people against their will, good luck with that!

You are allowing and encouraging aggressive behaviour. You're not the mothe rof a bully - yet. Two year olds cannot bully. But five year olds certainly can, and this is the way your little by is heading.

He will have no friends if you don't get this 'wrestling' under control. Do you want your son to be lonely and disliked? It's like you're training him to drive away social relationships!

OP small children do find sharing hard and at 2.4 you have left it late to start teaching your son this but it's not too late. No you do not have two of everything you teach your boy to SHARE, if he takes the toy off of someone you tell him no, X has it at the moment it will be your turn soon and you give the toy back to X. You teach him to wait and praise him for the small steps in the right direction and make sure you tell him no when you have to.
And as others have said he holds his own with 7 year olds because they let him, why are you letting him hang around with 7 year olds anyway? Most 7 year olds wouldn't enjoy the company of a 2 year old hanging around all the time.

Many children at that age are physical as they're learning boundaries and often cannot control their impulses. So while i don't necessarily think your ds is a bully, it is nonetheless your job to get him to realise that different children have different boundaries. It's not about being weak or strong, aggressive or too soft. It's about respecting other's feelings, whatever their gender, personality or natural instincts.

I watched ds and his slightly older cousin playing quite roughly the other day, play fighting and wrestling (ds is almost 4). Nobody ended up in tears but when either one of them told tales they got the same response: if you engage in play fight you must expect to get hurt. If it gets too much you say 'that hurt' and the other one must. Essentially it's about giving them responsibility for sorting things out without adult intervention. BUT...both parties have to be signed up to the 'rules'. If it becomes one sided and one person is getting hurt then the adult must put a stop to it. At 2yo i don't think any child should have this amount of freedom because they have little or no empathy. At that age it's your job to help teach it. And calling another child a pushover is not going to help that.

You are mistaking violence for 'strength', lack of empathy for 'confidence' and lack of boundaries for 'courage'.

Is there a reason you're choosing not to teach your child empathy, kindness and respect for others?

Is there a reason you don't want to teach him about boundaries and moderating his behaviour in certain situations?

Do you feel a 'real man' uses brute strength to get whatever he wants whenever he wants? Yes?

Then that's fine, you continue like this, that's what you'll get - unless your DS has innate characteristics that counteract his environment. Bit of a gamble isn't it? But I guess it depends what you're aiming for.

And at what age will you become uneasy about your son behaving in threatening, out of control ways?

Or will it continue to be those pathetic weak losers who are asking for it yes? Victims, ugh, they're disgusting right? Deserved every moment of the beating? Probably did them some good. Weaklings and cry babies the lot of them.

Because that's what happens, when a child isn't taught the basics of empathy, taking turns/ sharing, and boundaries.

Call me crazy, weak and pathetic, but I don't think it's manly to dominate the weak, dismiss others feelings, and enforce what they want via superior strength.

I call those people something else entirely... These are not 'proper men'.

IMO a 'proper man' is kind, empathetic and would never prey on the weak or the vulnerable, hey he might even protect them. A proper man is kind to those less able than himself. A proper man is respected for his inner strength and resilience, and of he has physical prowess, he is respected much as much for when he doesn't use it then for when he does.

That's what I'd call a 'real man'.

And finally, have a look at yourself and what you've written here. It's inconsistent and a bit odd that you professing to be upset at the replies on here?

When you've come on here to tell us that youre proud that your child can stamp all over the feelings (and bodies) of other children! And that 'weakness' is something to be sneered at and name called! So, i dont get it, why are you allowed to object and expect others to moderate their behaviour in response. Errr, isn't that a bit like a being a 'cry baby'? Hummm.

Your attitude is all over the shop and English as a second language doesn't disguise your violence condoning, and gender stereotypes.

In your OP you say 'I think that boys should be exactly like that'.

I completely disagree with this gratuitous gender stereotyping.

I have 2 boys and I do think sometimes there can be an element of 'boys' play, some of their girl friends are the same but definitely only a few, I have never encouraged rough and tumble play but it seems to be in built within my two, that said I still ensure it is controlled, there is a time and place and if they upset another child they would be punished, in fact they are 8 and 6 and I can honestly say they have never hit or hurt another child on purpose, I only allow them to play rough and tumble with those who want to.

I have come across children who may be considered 'cry babies' but I would never actually call a child that as I would be mortified if my DSs called another child that. It can be frustrating to have children around who cry at everything, it wouldn't worry me if they are genuinely timid or more sensitive but the majority I have met are willing to dish out the digs but cry the second anyone does anything back and the parents often indulge this.

I do hate gender stereotyping in the extremes, both my DSs have played with dolls/ponies, had pink stuff and we have never discouraged this but as they have got old they are into the traditional boys sports and games and I don't see anything wrong in this as long as it is not hurting or upsetting anyone else as it is their choice.

If my DS grows up thinking that any other child who gets upset by their actions/behaviour is a cry baby or pushover, I would be very upset.

Children are different. Some are more sensitive. Some are more boisterous. I hope my DS and my DD respect this.

YABU.

Not AIBU but you know what I mean!

As a mum of boys I think it's very important they learn early on that if someone doesn't like what they're doing, and asks them to stop, that they stop. Whatever it is.

Your poor son is being raised to be a thug. There is no place for thugs in society.

My DD loves to do rolling about, jumping on and tickling with me and her dad. With everyone else she keeps her hands and feet to herself.

Things like 'holding your own' when you are 2 are not necessarily things to be proud of, more like you have taught him not to have empathy for other children.

It's a matter of finding the balance. Of course kids are going to have a bit of rough play and it does toughen them up but knowing where to draw the line is important and if crying is involved, the line has most likely been crossed. If both are enjoying it, leave them to it, but only if they are both enjoying it.