Pissed off with another mum's comment. Please tell me there's nothing wrong with what we're doing

[Thurlow]

Went out last night with some of the NCT mums. We don't see each other often and, honestly, don't have too much in common bar our DC so the conversation was quite child-centric.

One of the other mums kept making comments about what my DD is still or not yet doing. I normally see threads like this and think "but just ignore them!" but this has wound me up a bit and I'm stewing. I don't think there is anything wrong with what we are doing or haven't done yet, but of course she's now planted that 1% seed of doubt.

DD is 2.5 (29mo). She still...

Sleeps in a cotbed with the side up. "Oh my, we took the side off DS's bed when he was 18 months! She really still has the side up? I didn't think any kids were still in cots at two and half!" DD hasn't ever tried to climb out, and having the side up means she can't get out if she's semi-fighting a nap. We tried a bed on holiday a few weeks ago - fine for night, awful for naps. So as far as I'm concerned that side is staying on until it absolutely has to come off.

Has her bedtime milk in a bottle. Same comment as above from other mum, surely no toddler still has a bottle?! DD drinks it quickly, has her teeth brushed afterwards, drinks all other fluids out of other cups. Just likes a bedtime bottle. We've tried to change it but she likes the comfort. Will probably try again soon but (until this lovely mum made comments) I didn't actually see the harm in a comfort routine.

Hasn't started potty training. "Really? Not even tried? How unusual..." DD has shown very few signs of being ready, so we can't see why we should push it when she's not ready just because 2.5 is a common age.

I do know what most people don't still do all those things above - but she's 2.5! Should we really be pushing her to do the "older thing" just because of her age? I don't like the idea of pushing them to do things just because it's the next stage, it feels like forcing them to grow up - but maybe I'm wrong? I should say she's perfectly normal in regards to everything else. Or was this mum just being an arse?

That's not lazy Thurlow that's very sensible. We have a fabulous childminder who's toilet trained more children than had hot dinners, and I've a friend whose Mum is a childminder in the same boat and they both say that if they don't have it in three days, they're not ready. That's what we're going with and I just know DD1 isn't there yet.

I tried to potty train DC1 when she was about 2 1/4 thanks to well meaning friends showing off their nappiless children. Months and I think in the end years of problems and really damaged our relationship, because she just wasn't ready.

DC2 told me at 2.5 that he wasn't wearing nappies anymore and didn't. Not one accident. But DD2 wasn't out of nappies until well after 3. I had constant criticism from my DM (and her friends) but stuck to my guns. It is so much simpler when the child is ready, and they all get there in their own time.

Ignore ignore ignore. You know your own child best, not some random acquaintance.

My DD1 did every one of those things you listed at or just prior to age 3. So no, it's not uncommon. DD2 is 3 in November and still in a cot (I have no plans to change this anytime soon!).

Why are some parents in such a hurry for their children to grow up?!?

I only took DD1 out of the cot at 3yrs when I needed it for DD2 and we've not had any problems with her getting out of bed when she shouldn't. We'd have moved her sooner if she'd ever tried to climb out or had asked for a bed, but she was happy where she was. Friends who moved their DC out earlier found bed times went completely to pot at least for a few weeks.

She had a bottle at night until 3.5 as did most of my friends toddlers - this is very common but often denied! Stopped when we were on holiday & she didn't like the taste of the only milk available, switched to a special 'big girl' cup when we got home.

Potty training was 2yrs 9 mths, because that's when I had a week when we could basically stay home all the time. She cracked it on the first day, so well worth waiting until they're ready.

It makes no difference what other children are doing. She just sounds a bit snidey and competitive.

Just enjoy your little one, remember you know best.

What a silly cow.

This sort of thing unfortunately often seems to go on in post natal groups and is often born out of insecurity on the part of the most critical mothers. After having joined one with ds1 where everything from pushchairs to brand of nappies seemed to be scrutinised and commented on constantly until the dc started school (we all ended up sending our dc to different schools) the competitive streak was too unbearable and I didn't join anything with ds2 or ds3

you go with what you feel is right for your child - you certainly seem to be doing the right thing imo

Ds1(21) had a bottle for milk even through the days until he was 3 threw the dummy wanted playpeople so just said only big boys have that not little boys with bottle bottle in bin that was that
Ds2(8)was and still is a very pickie eater so had paedea sure from the Dr only way to get the honey pot in him was a bottle made sure teeth were cleaned after it at one point 3 times a day Dr words at that point the need for calories over ruled the fact was in a bottle. When we felt our kids were ready to do things is when it happened not on paper. You know your DD if she is happy surely that's all that matters. My mum always says they won't better 8 with bottle, dummy,cot tone with them is precious . Enjoy her

That's a good point about calories. DD is a skinny little thing, despite eating well, so I'm happy for her to have as much full-fat milk as she wants as long as it isn't around food time.

TinyTear, I think we're just in that really awkward stage where DD still needs the nap but occasionally on lazy days she's not quite tired enough to have one. Makes her an absolute state by an hour before bedtime though, and with her childcare times we really can't move the bedtime any earlier! So "quiet time" will still be there whether she wants to nap or not!

I'd probably have said some kind of bullshit like "do you know that child development experts have discovered that children who do things later tend to be more intelligent". Complete fabrication of course but it would be worth it to see her face. Silly cow. Quite clearly trying to over compensate for her own deficiencies.

Cot - ds was ready at 2, sides came off at 2 which happily coincided with a quieter and settled period of his life. If things had been more hectic we'd have waited.

Bottle - ds is 4 in November

Potty training - ds was ready closer to 3yo. As we waited till he was ready it was completely easy and stress free - for all of us! Pretty much dry within 5 days. The in laws tried telling us we were lazy and dh had been potty trained since 9 months. Laugh. Out. Loud. Never, ever, rush your child's development for some ill informed busybody.

the cot thing, crazy. Why do people see this as a developmental point? If it aint broke don't fix it. Unfortunately I had to move Burgh of mine out earlier than I would have liked because the little so and sos climbed out. ... As long as teeth are brushed the bottles won't harm her. wouldn't do it myself, think it's totally different to still being bf sorry (and I ff both of mine b4 I get accused of being militant bf'er). Potty training, well if they're ready you know about it I think.

But overall she sounds like an arse, its none of anyone's business. I can't believe people would comment on these inconsequential things.

Yea, some quiet time is always good even if they don't sleep...

I think I'm you, Thurlow

All three of mine had/have bedtime bottle until 2.5 - 3ish, did not start potty training until 3, and stayed in a cot until 3. (Except my first. I took the sides off at 17 months and fuck me, NEVER AGAIN. He destroyed everything every morning. Shuddering at the memories!.)

Please get new friends :)

Your OP made me laugh because at 2.5 DS1 was still in a cot, still having a bottle (and a dummy), and still in nappies. He's now 7 and in a big bed, bottle and dummy-free and fully toilet trained and just won an academic scholarship but that is just a stealth boast, have to boast somewhere Ignore annoying acquaintance, you'll probably not see her much in the future I expect.

DS is 2.6 and still in his cot - not fussed about climbing out so he'll stay in his cot until he's too big!

He decided to potty train a couple of weeks ago but I had no intention of forcing the issue until he showed readiness - what would be the point.

He doesn't have a bottle but is still bf (and occasionally bf to sleep).

I think she sounds a bit insecure tbh. And there's almost certainly things that your DD is doing that her DC isn't, it's just you didn't feel the need to shout about it.

Mine was doing all this at that age! And KEEP THE COT for as long as possible!!! Was a nightmare moving to a bed for us and we wish we'd waited!

She's an arse.

Your dd is very unlikely to be sleeping in a cot, drinking from a bottle or be in nappies by the time she starts school. So does it really matter at what point these things happen?

Believe me as the mother of a teenager I can't remember how old dd was when these things happened. I do remember been worried she would start school in nappies as she was not interested in potty training so it must have been late.

We have a wonderful friend who had great responses to this kind if thing.

How is baby x?

Still reading Shakespeare, but not quite ready for Proust.

How is he sleeping?

Rarely wakes, probably sleeping 24+ hours a day -just like having no child.

Can he read yet?

Only Latin so far but we are hoping he will master Ancient Greek soon.

Is he potty trained?

Not sure, but I did find a suspicious brown lump in the fridge the other day.

He always, always had a witty retort that gave away nothing, made everyone laugh, and refused to compete.

Or smile and nod.

Thurlow,

Do what you usually do and ignore.
This woman was being an arse, some people are like this.
They have to put others down to make themselves look good, sounds like she has some confidence problems.

You don't need me to tell you that all dc are different and the capabilities/maturity of kids differs so much during pre school than any other time, so I believe.

Next time you see her ask if her child has mastered twinkle twinkle on the piano yet? Then let her have it how yours can and surely hers should by now. Or maybe recognising words or numbers, play her at her own game and watch the colour drain from her face.

a thought about dropping the nap (I thought my world would cave in when DD dropped hers, I resisted this new reality for quite a long time!) - I used to (still do, a lot of the time!), wrap DD up in her duvet and stick on a film, so she had some enforced quiet time, or we got into my bed and read stories for an hour or so.

Oh, and DD (4.8) still has a cup of milk at bedtime, she's a milk monster in fact!

Ds didn't talk until he was 3+ or rather, he spoke some variant of Serbo-Croation

Now that he's 13, I wish he would shut up his incessant wittering

He also didn't learn to read properly until he was nearly 6 (could "read" off by heart but not blend until then). School was relaxed and he is now (in S3) in the top set for English top of a cohort that his English teacher thinks is brilliant and has had them working to Nat 5 since last year, 2 years ahead of schedule, yes I know it's a stealth boast

Thanks all. Don't you hate it when you get wound up about something you know is silly?

I had this happen to me a few months ago but our DDs are 17
It was only hours after the conversation that I realised she'd been implying that my DD hadn't done well in her GCSEs. Smug cow!

This mum has always been competitive but fortunately I don't see her much these days.