Pissed off with another mum's comment. Please tell me there's nothing wrong with what we're doing

[Thurlow]

Went out last night with some of the NCT mums. We don't see each other often and, honestly, don't have too much in common bar our DC so the conversation was quite child-centric.

One of the other mums kept making comments about what my DD is still or not yet doing. I normally see threads like this and think "but just ignore them!" but this has wound me up a bit and I'm stewing. I don't think there is anything wrong with what we are doing or haven't done yet, but of course she's now planted that 1% seed of doubt.

DD is 2.5 (29mo). She still...

Sleeps in a cotbed with the side up. "Oh my, we took the side off DS's bed when he was 18 months! She really still has the side up? I didn't think any kids were still in cots at two and half!" DD hasn't ever tried to climb out, and having the side up means she can't get out if she's semi-fighting a nap. We tried a bed on holiday a few weeks ago - fine for night, awful for naps. So as far as I'm concerned that side is staying on until it absolutely has to come off.

Has her bedtime milk in a bottle. Same comment as above from other mum, surely no toddler still has a bottle?! DD drinks it quickly, has her teeth brushed afterwards, drinks all other fluids out of other cups. Just likes a bedtime bottle. We've tried to change it but she likes the comfort. Will probably try again soon but (until this lovely mum made comments) I didn't actually see the harm in a comfort routine.

Hasn't started potty training. "Really? Not even tried? How unusual..." DD has shown very few signs of being ready, so we can't see why we should push it when she's not ready just because 2.5 is a common age.

I do know what most people don't still do all those things above - but she's 2.5! Should we really be pushing her to do the "older thing" just because of her age? I don't like the idea of pushing them to do things just because it's the next stage, it feels like forcing them to grow up - but maybe I'm wrong? I should say she's perfectly normal in regards to everything else. Or was this mum just being an arse?

I knew what some of the Mothers who were going to our local NCT group were like so I deliberately avoided going!
Honestly she was being an arse. Like many other parents we put all 3 of ours into a junior bed early purely because the little darlings kept swinging from the cot railings (from the outside of the cot) otherwise they would have still been in there much later, 2 still had bedtime bottles at nearly 3 and having had a really bad week trying to toilet train my youngest we've given up for a month or 2. She's 2.7. Ignore, ignore and ignore some more.
At least you've realised what she's doing now though and can be on your guard

Load of bollocks. Ignore.

nothing wrong with any of that, DD was exactly the same at that age bar the bottle (as she never took a bottle).

You would think by this stage she might have spotted that not all children are the same... .

'Yes, she still has the side up. No, I'm fine with it - I'm pretty confident in following my own instincts with how we do things - I don't get competitive about t, rhese kind of things eally, the timings of stuff like this are pretty insignificant if you think about it.'

God. I told people I was relieved that DS could still be in his giant cotbed at 2.5 (which is when we moved him out because he started climbing - but he was old enough to understand about staying in bed and we never had the bedtime nightmares of some of my friends who went into a cot earlier.

Ditto potty training - he's nearly 3, but he's had hardly any accidents and totally gets it. He just wasn't ready earlier and actively resisted the idea.

I tend to respond to competitive parenting with 'oh, I just can't deal with the hassle of pushing kids to do things before they're ready or before they have to. Too much mess/behavioural hassle/whatever'.

People like that are total arses, but it's kind of sad that their self-worth is tied up in where their kid is sleeping and shitting.

She's being an arse, ignore!

Reassuring to hear so many others still have cotbeds and aren't potty trained yet!

I should have wheeled out the smugness on the sleeping front, shouldn't I? Though that would have been playing her at her own game. But still might have been nice to ask a few questions about how her DS sleeps and naps - cotbeds do at least keep it all running smoothly.

If I see her again before DD is potty trained (we tend to meet as a group every once in a while, so it won't be easy to exclude her) I'll be sure to make some comment about how interesting it is when a parent's self-worth is wrapped up in poo....

I'm normally a laid back, don't really give a shit parent. I guess I've never warmed to this woman enormously, so for some reason what she said last night has wound me up.

For various reasons DD :

Stayed in a cot till gone 3 (titchy, her big brother had a ed when he started to vault the sides ...)
Didn't seriously potty train until 3
Had a bottle at night for ages.

Now at 6 she is a bright happy, independent little girl. Exceeding in her early learning goals if one cares about such things (I expect your nct pal does!). Teeth are fine, sleeps in own bed, just don't ask about the toilet training

Nothing to worry about!

God, I hate parents like this. Putting others down, horrible

Just about the bottles its advised to move to a beaker from 12 months as even if u brush after the bedtime bottle can cause quite extensive dental decay even if just mik. Also can cause open bite where teeth dont meet together. (Dentist here who has had to extract many teeth due to bottle caries)

These people must be incredibly dull if their main topic of conversation revolves around cot beds/bottles and potty training.

I find those sorts of friendships totally tedious - you have nothing in common except having had a baby at the same time - time to make some new friends .

I used to just lie during those conversations - actually I am the sort of parent who doesn't like bottles for babies over a year, sees nothing wrong with controlled crying and let my DS sleep in his own room for birth - but I just kept quiet (even when friends 'complimented' me on having such a good sleeper ) - no one can 'win' in those sorts of discussions. We all parent differently and the vast majority of children turn out alright in the end .

I wouldn't worry. Everyone just does things at their own time. And DS is 3 and a half and still has a bottle for nighttime and naps.

If it helps, my NCT group was mainly made up of second time mums when I first joined and their attitude was to not even think about potty training until the toddler is absolutely begging to have the nappy off!! I was also in another group of first time mums as well who were getting in a right stew about it all.

I quickly worked out which approach I preferred and I also noticed that the toddlers all potty trained properly (no accidents) at about the same age.

While some of us from the group are better friends than the others, no one yet wants to exclude everyone from the rare occasions we do get to go out and drink, so unless this woman has also pissed other people off then I suspect I'll have to put up with her. I quite like the rest of the group! Though I do enjoy seeing how much more laidback my friends are now they are all starting to have baby number 2.

DS1 (3.2yo) left his cotbed at the age of 2.5 because he climbed out of it. That was the only reason I accepted the development as I quite enjoyed caging him at bedtime!

DS2 (2.1yo) is currently sleeping in a travelcot in the back room (he has a mattress, don't panic) because DS1 resists sleep. DS2 is perfectly capable of climbing out of his cot but doesn't because he loves his bed so much

They are all different!

Ignore NCT woman, she sounds like a right cow (or at the very least she is not socially aware).

Thurlow - there is nothing wrong with what you (or DD!) are doing. Some people will be doing what you are doing, some will be doing the opposite and there will be some in between - all of it is 'ok' and 'normal'. Don't let the stupid woman get to you.

Oh and one quick bottle at night before teeth brushing is not going to affect her teeth at all - it's not like you're putting coke in it and she's sucking it all day that causes teeth problems - unsurprisingly!!

ds1 had a bottle of milk at night until he was at least 4 - when I reluctantly gave in and thought he ought to stop because he was really too old for it, other people were commenting on it, etc etc.

I did - and have regretted it for the last 5 years as in that time I've managed to get him to drink a glass of milk probably 3 or 4 times in total. We tried getting him to choose a special night time milk cup or sports bottle but it never worked, he's stubborn and he just refused to drink milk unless he had it from his bottle.

In hindsight, I'd have been much better off letting him have milk from a bottle at night and making his own choice of when/how to stop rather than not drinking milk and leaving me with the headache of how to get him to have calcium instead!

Figure out some one liner to say each time somebody puts you in this position - there have been some great ones on here but I can't think of any at the moment - and don't give them another thought. So long as you're doing what's right for your child it really doesn't matter what anybody else thinks!

Another one who agrees she was being an arse. If it's any comfort, DD1 is 27 mos, is still in a cotbed (I'm with you on the reluctant nap scenario and she has an 11 month old sister so she's flippin' staying in that thing while I do chores or sit down for 20 minutes to have lunch. Her and teddy had a grand old time having a rest and a chat yesterday).

She also still has a bottle at bedtime as she's never drunk, and won't drink, milk out of any other cup. All meal time water is drunk from an open plastic cup and out and about drinks from an age appropriate non drip thingy. I had a chat to the HV about it at her two year check, and also to my dentist, both of whom said that if she was having a bottle all the time, and was sent to bed with Ribena they'd be worried but as it's just a comfort, let her do it.

I also am debating toilet training. I have all the kit. The potty is there and used occasionally if she wants to but I just don't feel she's ready yet and while I would give my eye teeth not to have two in nappies, I'm not pushing it.

My NCT group seems to be more sensible than most about these things - and I have become good friends with a couple of them, independently of having children. I avoid this competitive parenting crap. As I now have two I increasingly see what bolleaux it truly is.

In conversations like this it's useful to remind the other mum about the space on UCAS forms for 'age potty trained'

Tell her that my kids loved their bottles until they were 5 and both are doing v.well at grammar schools

Bella, brilliant.

YY, zipzap, that's how I was thinking, that surely it is better that she has a nice long drink of milk, even if it is from a bottle, than risk her giving up the milk entirely? But then I see other posts on MN where people are being told to pretty much stop all milk by 2, so maybe a drink of milk at bedtime isn't recommended anymore?

Yes, DD has refused to nap a few times recently but in her cot, all she can do is talk to her teddies - which she actually did for an hour before shouting for me. In the bed on holiday she was in, out, in, out, in out, it was a disaster...

Bella

Dd was in her cot until 3, when she dropped her daytime nap.
She had a bottle of warm milk at night until 4.
She wore night time pull ups at 7, and even after that I had to lift her in the night to prevent accidents.

She is 13 now, socially adequate, kind, sensible, funny and in the 'more able and talented' club at school, don'tchya know.
Dd would go mad if she knew I'd been spreading that around the t'internet. She calls it Geek Squad

YANBU. Tell her to Piss Off.

DS was late doing everything! Sat late, crawled late, walked late, had two bottles a day till he was 4. Thankfully I had nice friends and I don't remember any competive shite. But I did used to preempt comments with 'we will worry if he is still doing when he goes to university'.

Actually he used to sleep with me frequently till he was about 7 - one friend told me if I didn't sort it I would huge problems later. I agreed that it might be tricky when he starts to bring girls home!