Should a nine-year-old be held responsible for losing something valuable?

[Matrushka]

I'm keen to canvas your valuable opinions.

I've fallen out with some good friends over this topic. While on holiday, they offered to take my nine-year-old son to a beach around 90 minutes drive away and left his backpack behind. Inside were all the most important items he needed for the holiday: good quality scuba diving mask and snorkel, swimming trunks and a towel, plus brand new football boots (they said they were thinking of going to a beach with tricky access) and the bag itself was a brand new "No-Fear" back-pack.

I had stayed behind to try and catch up with some work, plus there was no room for me in the car with their three kids and a grand-mother.

The mother - who I've only known for a couple of years - was very sorry but said they couldn't drive back immediately to check if it was still there because it was their daughter's birthday. She offered to pay for replacing the items we need to carry on with the last week of the holiday (my son only had crocs as alternative shoes).

But the father - whom I've known for nearly twenty years - said he asked all the kids if they had everything. But they then went to a beach shower, which is where my boy left his bag. The father drove back the next morning but - of course - everything had gone, except for the swimming trunks.

My son and I took the bus 20k into town the next day to try and find inexpensive replacements for what had been lost. I was very unhappy and my boy was upset that had lost his favourite possessions but we needed to get new things to carry on with the holiday, so there was no question of not replacing them. Even so, we couldn't replace the exact football boots and back-pack. The total we had to spend was 80 euro.

But now, my ex-friend says my boy is responsible and both he and his wife are now in agreement that they shouldn't pay for the replacements. Her closing remark was "You should count yourself lucky for having a fine son."

I'm livid. As they've pretty much ruined our holiday. I believe that if the boot was one the other foot (so to say ;-), I would have taken extra care. I would also have driven back immediately, rather that waiting until the next day. If the bag was not there, I would have paid to replace the items.

I'm keen to find some way out of this so despite the fact that I think they're in the wrong, I'd like to know what you guys think....

I think you are wrong to expect them to pay. Accidents happen.

And to say that they've ruined your holiday sounds extremely OTT.

Nine is tricky. If dad asked everyone to check DS should've realised. Especially as it was expensive stuff not just a towel. But nine is still quite flighty.

Bet he doesn't forget stuff again. Not sure if mate should pay or not, I think no.

How far was the drive back?

At 9 he should have remembered but then the adults should have reminded him also.

Does he have savings you can take the money out of?

I think your response depends on how much you value the friendship.

I also think that 9 year olds can be ditzy and need reminding, I have one and we never leave school just using the door once.

I too would have checked all the kids had everything, and it seems your friends have changed their minds about it being their responsibility. If you want to stay friends you need to suck it up, if not you could ask them why the changed their minds, but life's a bit short for pointless battles.

Errrr...haven't helped much, sorry! Too hot

Think making him pay for replacements is harsh, it's v expensive and he's 9

Lost kit shouldn't ruin your holiday. Your son should have known he didn't have his bag, and driving straight back would have been too much to ask.

I would expect my own son to remember his own stuff, so yes, I think your DS is responsible.

That said, my kids would forget their own head if they could, so I get they need a bit of a push and don't leave anywhere without asking them 10 billion times if they've got everything. If they haven't after that, then they're in trouble.

If it was someone else's child, I think I would feel responsible even if I'd checked with them that they have everything and would have gone back to fetch it in a passive aggressive, "No, it's fine" kind of way

You could make an argument for them paying or not. But the bottom line is that the DID agree to pay, and are now backing out.

So, yes, they should pay. As they said they would.

If this ruined your holiday, you need a reality check about what's important in life. I suspect you're ruining the holiday by going on about this. His stuff went, and that's a shame, but you replaced it. Carry on.

Can't you claim on your travel insurance?

I would have gone back as soon as he noticed.

I wouldn't have offered to pay (certainly wouldn't accept such an offer)

Perfectly functional masks and snorkles aren't very dear.

DH managed to lose a proper scuba one and even that isn't too awful.

(Losing my prescription swimming goggles is the only hanging offence)

But I agree 9yo will lose their heads. We all got really fed up with the teacher who refused to shout have you got your coats, luchbox, books etc at the end of the day.

Everyday we had to stomp back into school and get them.

Y5/6 teacher wasn't so daft, she did remind DCs.

Your travel insurance should cover this.
Totally understandable that this should happen. Even organised adults lose and forget stuff on holiday - strange place, different routine, objects that they are not used to carrying around/remembering.

They did a nice thing taking your son to the beach, he is only 9. Nobody deliberately forgot the rucksack.

Stop blaming and get on and claim on your insurance. That is what it is for.

I think the dad sounds a bit of an arse but I wouldn't make a 9 year old responsible for things you can't afford to replace. I think the lesson will be learned by your son but also you need to make sure he is only responsible for things that, if they get lost, can easily be replaced.

I think the lesson is that you don't send 9 yos off with a bag of expensive kit on a trip to the beach. I would try your travel insurance, but I wouldn't expect your friends to pay.

Why not claim on travel insurance? Tbf it does sound like they did you favour (taking him along on a family outing so you could catch up with work). Why all the expensive kit? Surely for holidays you buy inexpensive stuff or at least stuff you can afford to replace with the expectation that half of it will go missing?

Don't let it ruin your holiday. There is no need. It is just stuff after all.

YABU to tell your friends it has ruined your holiday - see above. Whilst it isn't ideal it also is't a real disaster imo.

It was just an accident. Nothing deliberate.

I wouldn't have asked the friends to pay to replace his stuff. No way.

YABU to blame them imo too. A 9y should be able to be responsible for his own stuff. He had already had a a reminder.

At 9y my DD had already been on school residentials and on Brownie camps, etc and there they had to take care of their own stuff, and be responsible for it. I think that is definitely old enough.

I certainly wouldn't have expected the friends to drive back another 90 minutes to go and have a look - that's a 3 hour round trip!

I agree with Porto.

Why send all of this with a 9yo to the beach.

It is really annoying. But this is just one of those times you have to write off as being unfortunate. I certainly don't think you can expect the people who took your son out for the day to pay for the replacements. Nor could you really expect them to do a 90 minute drive back. Just write it off. I agree with claiming from your travel insurance if you can.

Ds1 is 9. He left his swimming bag with good gogles in the park when he was with his cm once.

I didnt blame the cm or my ds. I was cross with ds1 as he should have forgotten the bag, but he is 9 and it happens.

I was annoyed the cm hadnt noticed, but she was apologetic and , it happens.

It was an accident. I dont think your friends should pay and it seems a daft thing to fall out about.

I somehow overlooked the 90 mins thing. No way would I expect my friends to do a three hour round trip for a back pack.

It was an accident and 9 year olds can lose most things.
I would never have bought mine such expensive stuff tbh.
back packs are a few quid off the market, footy boots are cheap at windsors, googles are poundshop.
trying hard to work out how you spent so much money replacing them.

It's the sort of thing my 9 year old would do and it is frustrating. It would have been nice if your friends had thought to double check but these things happen and I don't think you can hold them responsible.

If I was sending ds off with such expensive stuff he would have got a long lecture beforehand about taking care of it. I don't think it's fair to make your friends responsible for expensive kit. I think you could have carried on the holiday without replacing scuba gear and the back pack, it would have been a lesson for your son in taking care of his things.

I would be annoyed about it all but I wouldn't lose a friendship over it.