Should a nine-year-old be held responsible for losing something valuable?

[Matrushka]

I'm keen to canvas your valuable opinions.

I've fallen out with some good friends over this topic. While on holiday, they offered to take my nine-year-old son to a beach around 90 minutes drive away and left his backpack behind. Inside were all the most important items he needed for the holiday: good quality scuba diving mask and snorkel, swimming trunks and a towel, plus brand new football boots (they said they were thinking of going to a beach with tricky access) and the bag itself was a brand new "No-Fear" back-pack.

I had stayed behind to try and catch up with some work, plus there was no room for me in the car with their three kids and a grand-mother.

The mother - who I've only known for a couple of years - was very sorry but said they couldn't drive back immediately to check if it was still there because it was their daughter's birthday. She offered to pay for replacing the items we need to carry on with the last week of the holiday (my son only had crocs as alternative shoes).

But the father - whom I've known for nearly twenty years - said he asked all the kids if they had everything. But they then went to a beach shower, which is where my boy left his bag. The father drove back the next morning but - of course - everything had gone, except for the swimming trunks.

My son and I took the bus 20k into town the next day to try and find inexpensive replacements for what had been lost. I was very unhappy and my boy was upset that had lost his favourite possessions but we needed to get new things to carry on with the holiday, so there was no question of not replacing them. Even so, we couldn't replace the exact football boots and back-pack. The total we had to spend was 80 euro.

But now, my ex-friend says my boy is responsible and both he and his wife are now in agreement that they shouldn't pay for the replacements. Her closing remark was "You should count yourself lucky for having a fine son."

I'm livid. As they've pretty much ruined our holiday. I believe that if the boot was one the other foot (so to say ;-), I would have taken extra care. I would also have driven back immediately, rather that waiting until the next day. If the bag was not there, I would have paid to replace the items.

I'm keen to find some way out of this so despite the fact that I think they're in the wrong, I'd like to know what you guys think....

Mutrushka rather than over protective, from what you've posted here I would say that your expectations of him are too low. He shouldn't really need continual reminders and you aren't doing him any favours if you're letting him think it's your friends fault for not reminding him.

You say he's done this before? You need to build in some consequences then I think.

As I mentioned before, I have 6 yos. They are fully aware of where my displeasure will be directed if things get lost ( as it isn't school/friends/Grandparents.

Really your ds should have noticed he wasn't carrying a backpack brimming with football boots and scuba stuff after the shower. There is always lots to carry after a beach trip.

I wouldn't throw a twenty year friendship away over whether they asked him if he had his bag or not. Although it's probably too late. It can never be the same. They took your son out for a day to quite a dangerous place and I imagine he had a great time. And he's safe and sound. In my friendship group (I live in a hot country) we never take each other's dc to the beach as it's a big responsibility keeping an eye on them.

easy - definitely your son's fault and i would never dream of asking or accepting money from the family. i would however expect my son to contribute

I was going to say that it seems as if this 'fall out' has been a long time coming, and your second post confirms this. Of course your DS should have remembered his own stuff, but a caring, interested, invested friend would have made sure their 'mindee' returned with everything they had left with. I think this chap lost interest in your friendship a while ago.TBH. And you were already fed up with him before the holiday started. It was inevitable it would end like this.

sleep if the friend has lost the post office receipt then she should be offering to pay for the replacement IMO .
OP I doubt the friendship is retrievable but at least you have taken on board that you were in the wrong .

While I would have double checked that children in my care have all their stuff, I think your son is responsible for his own possessions. Are you sure it wasn't nicked at the showers?

My children have lost phones, special toys etc when younger and felt awful about it and I have lost stuff too; it happens.

It was inconvenient but you shouldn't have let yourself get worked up over it and ruin a friendship.

Oops didn't read properly - I guess lost receipt is friend's fault then. They should pay, but very slippery territory to persue when you don't want to fall out if they aren't offering - esp if that amount of money would hit them hard ...

That was to sleep not OP

Sorry OP I skipped a page and didn't read your last post. Personally I would let the friendship die. I hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday.

Sleepwhenidie they should pay for it. It was "stolen" from your son by their Dd so was their responsibility to return it to you safely. This would be the end of the friendship for me if they didn't pay up.

The bag as a one off thing I would be annoyed but shit happens.

For their overall attitude though I would ditch them completely.

sleep they should absolutely! I wouldn't believe that it had even been sent tbh.

I don't think they are responsible and to shout at mum about your son forgetting stuff. is not right. It sounds like she offered because she felt bad so you made her feel worse.

I think you need to take some responsibility for sending your 9 year old to the beach with expensive stuff he wasn't able to be responsible for.

I have a friend who is a great friend but not someone I would want to go on holiday with ever again.

I think you do need to apologise. they took care of your child while you were able to work.

Been shouted at by a friend may of ruined her holiday too.

I do think if you feel you can't speak to the Dad for pleasantries your friendship is over.

The idea of losing stuff ruining your holiday is something I pull my DS (7) up about...We went to a theme park fab day , lost his hat and it was the worst day of his life. cheaper to replace but same theory Look to the positives

RitaConnors and Starlight1234 - he didn't have a good time. He keeps saying he'd replay back to Tuesday if it were only possible. He said it wasn't fun - even before he lost his bag - and they were shouting at each other all time. And I feel bad for leaning on him to go because I wanted to do some work. I don't think I'd put him or anyone else in the same situation again after this.

MerryLegs - thanks for seeing that the other side are not blameless here.

Floralnomad - I've only admitted I went OTT raising my voice to the mother. I don't think I'm wrong expecting at least an apology from the father, let alone backtracking on the offer to pay, which BTW I would have declined had he offered to drive out there again or even apologised. Blaming it all on my son has, in any case, driven a wedge between the two of them and I'm certainly not taking his side over my son's now.

Sleep - it sounds pretty suspect to me. I would get your friend to check out the post office insurance policy and if that doesn't pan out, I'd think twice before trusting her again. Her daughter's light fingers might be inherited?

In that case then I doubt very much that they would even want to stay friends with you ,it's entirely your sons responsibility .

I really cannot see how the other family are at fault.

Matrushka I'd email the mum to apologise for shouting at her.

It sounds as though, as a family, they are having a difficult time if they are arguing and shouting a lot. The dh's attitude to paying for the lost items might have been about taking the opposite view from his wife, as much as it was about seeing your ds as being responsible iyswim. You might just have been caught in the crossfire of a very stressful time for them. It could also explain why no-one was overly focused on your ds' bag.

So I'd suggest olive branch to the mum; back away from the dad, and don't go on holiday with them again.