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Original poster

If you met someone with a limp

282 replies

ilean · 30/04/2014 11:43

would you comment on it?

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ilean · 30/04/2014 12:40

Oh well done Spotty!

Odd I'm sorry that you have to have boots on in the warmth, that must be terribly uncomfortable?

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TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/04/2014 12:41

I also remember being out with my now DP (while we were still in the friends zone) and some old woman standing right next to us said "Oh look at that poor little cripple girl, such a pretty face too.. Gosh she's even got a boyfriend."

Me and DP just looked at each other, to be honest we were probably more troubled about the "boyfriend" thing; we had a lot of unresolved sexual tension

stealthsquiggle · 30/04/2014 12:41

I can't believe that people comment this much - WTF happened to British reserve? I mean of course you would comment if someone you knew and who had not previously been limping turned up on crutches, because you would assumes that was through injury, but I am with Squoosh on the headless horseman thing. It would be like commenting on the fact that someone wear glasses. Why would you?

I do, I admit, rather like the (obvious when you think about it) point that if you are in a wheelchair you can wear monumentally impractical shoes with impunity.

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NigellasDealer · 30/04/2014 12:43

no I would not say anything as I have an old friend with a prosthetic leg.
Years ago I commented to a different friend as i had not noticed his limp before and it was some kind of permanent damage and I was so embarrassed that I have been super - sensitive to such things ever since, plus some of the comments my other friend has had made me Angry

Original poster
ilean · 30/04/2014 12:44

Thanks Poughle Flowers. Don't beat yourself up, that sounds like a mistake anyone, including me would make, and if someone said something like that to me I think I would understand because of the context probably would be pissed anyway. It sounds like this woman did. I try to remember that I am lucky that I do not have a more serious and debilitating condition.

I am talking about the people who just blatantly say, 'why do you limp?' in the middle of the day at a bloody playgroup Angry

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ilean · 30/04/2014 12:46

Shock and Grin Tinkly I had forgotten all about the embarrassment of sexual tension! oh to be young again

Nigellas I think that's what makes it so grim to hear off the cuff comments, part of you thinks, what are people saying behind my back Sad

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ilean · 30/04/2014 12:48

I think and use the word "cripple" about myself when I am at my lowest self pitying points.

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katrina81 · 30/04/2014 12:49

I have a limp, which I have had since about ten, I had numerous doctors apps and no-one could find a cause. I assume now that I have one leg shorter than the other.

I have had comments in the past, nothing nasty at school thankfully. People who do ask I just tell them I don't know why, that usually shuts them up.

I also forget I have a limp at times. Sometimes it gets me down, but it could be worse, at least I can walk. My dp and kids don't mind at all.

It is very rude to be asked out loud though, I have had numerous jobs and have never been asked.

Meita · 30/04/2014 12:50

I'll confess I might comment on a limp, depending on circumstances. Or rather, ask questions, that might be interpreted as nosiness. (Maybe I just am nosy?)

a) I don't see it as something 'negative' so the rule on not mentioning anything negative, surely doesn't apply?
b) I might be concerned and want to offer help.
c) I don't believe in pretending 'issues' problems or disabilities don't exist. Me as able-bodied I have the privilege of ignoring them if I want, but for people who live with them daily, it is a non-ignorable part of their life.
I do appreciate that people don't want to be reminded, and just get on with their lives; but surely I won't be reminding you of anything if walking causes you pain. You are not likely to have forgotten. It is like not wanting to remind someone of the death of their child, by never mentioning it.
d) seeing and acknowledging the limp, doesn't mean I can't see past it and see the person. I won't 'reduce' you to the limp.
e) Sometimes people (who are newly limping) are not aware of their limp. Making them aware, helps them realise that perhaps they should seek medical attention, rather than just pretending that this new pain they are having, will go away by itself.

I struggle to believe I am 100% wrong on this?

missnevermind · 30/04/2014 12:52

Sorry was in stitches at

       extremely inelegant undressing techniques

Grin. I play knickers hoopla every morning

TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/04/2014 12:57

Oh God people comment to me all the time always have done It is incredibly rude. The only time I don't mind is when it's little kids asking me, like DS's friends. Then I explain, and they nod in an interested manner and just accept it.

Their parents are normally cringing though.

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ilean · 30/04/2014 12:58

Meita for me you are wrong, yes. Others might like to comment. Your reasons are all about how you as an able bodied person imagine a non able bodied person would and even should feel. It is arrogant to my mind to believe that as a stranger any of these things fall to you - particularly no 5. My arthritis was diagnosed after I had a fight with my mother in a supermarket about taking it seriously when I was 19. She is my mother! If someone with a disability or illness wants to talk about it, the best way to let them do that is to be a gentle and sympathetic listener.

I've talked upthread about offering help in a way that doesn't force people to discuss or confront personal issues.

Because after all, that is what it is, isn't it? Imagine you were going through say, the menopause, (I am trying to think of other good examples of something that is not negative, but quite sensitive and personal, but invisible, but failing....) and people could see that and wanted to discuss it. Apart from anything else if everyone I met thought like you I'd be bloody exhausted.

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ilean · 30/04/2014 12:59

oh glad you liked that missnevermind! yes I do usually have a wry giggle to myself over knickers and socks on sore days not when I wet myself because I can't sit on the loo though

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destructogirl · 30/04/2014 13:03

I completely relate OP. I often think of the little mermaid story:

'...every step you take will cause you pain all but unbearable - it will seem to you as if you were walking on the sharp edges of swords...'

I use a crutch, I have pimped it up using pink duct tape Grin

People always ask, and I always cheerfully minimise. 'Oh, I've just got a bit of a dodgy knee/hip/back' depending on what's hurting the most at the time.

Original poster
ilean · 30/04/2014 13:04

Meita just thinking some more, I think one of the main problems with what you say is the first assumption, that people are only bothered by things that are objectively negative. You're conflating being non discriminatory with being polite - or not, as the case is. And to think as you do is to deny or silence the experience of the person you are looking at. Or the difference between external and internal experience, iyswim. Someone's disability is not negative per se, no, but I have no doubt that for many it is a difficult experience and one they would choose to be without in a heartbeat. It is insulting not to appreciate and be sensitive to that, as it is to unfairly discriminate, in my opinion.

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TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/04/2014 13:05

Ok Meita, imagine some of your hair fell out and you had a big bald patch and you were really embarrassed about it, did your best to cover it up.

And then people kept saying, "Goodness me, what have you done to your hair". you'd be a bit pissed off no?

I do actually forget I am disabled, despite being in pain, because I surround myself with nice people who don't make an issue of it. I hate being reminded that I stand out, that I am different.

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ilean · 30/04/2014 13:08

oh destructo really?! I am unreasonably excited to meet someone who made the same association! Thanks for the quotation.

I find it so bitter (and not sweet) that I was so bothered by that as a little girl, more so than any other weirdly brutal child's story, long before an inkling of my arthritis, and it came to be, if not quite so dramatic Smile. Seems like a funny awful presage somehow

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hellymelly · 30/04/2014 13:09

I would certainly offer to help anyone limping, if they needed a lift, or had heavy shopping etc. I don't see a limp as a negative thing at all (other than if it is causing pain). I never imagined anyone feeling embarrassed by a limp, so I might have asked out of curiosity I suppose, but the situation hasn't arisen. Having read the thread I would now probably not ask in case I upset someone.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/04/2014 13:12

My DD once had a new boyfriend ask her very subtly and gently if I had been in a terrible accident. DD asked me, with genuine puzzlement why he should think that. (DD is 18 and normally quite intelligent).

I pointed out that he was asking her, in a nice way, why I was disabled. She said "Oh yeah, I always forget".Confused

She is just used to it.

OddBoots · 30/04/2014 13:13

I don't mind being asked (which is not to say I don't understand those who'd rather people didn't ask, we're all different) but I absolutely HATE when people ask "Should you be doing that?" when I'm carrying, reaching or doing something - It makes me feel about 5 years old and that I'm not trusted to know my own limitations.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/04/2014 13:15

The Little Mermaid thing is very vivid isn't it? And very accurate about what constant pain is like. I always remember it too.

Purpleroxy · 30/04/2014 13:17

No, v rude IMO.

Meita · 30/04/2014 13:18

I am honestly trying to think this through, not trying to say 'you are all wrong'.

e or 5) I agree that a stranger has nothing to do with. But as a stranger I wouldn't be able to tell if it is a new limp or not, so I wouldn't comment to that effect anyway. This I really meant exclusively for someone I know, and know well enough to be able to broach perhaps tricky topics. And I would not go barging in: You need to see a doctor. Rather I'd say, I notice you are limping,(you didn't use to), what's up? Are you in pain?
Would that be wrong?

b) When I say I may want to offer help, I do mean it in the way you described upthread. I wouldn't go saying, 'hey you're limping, do you need help?'
When I was pregnant, sometimes people offered me help and it was clear that they were doing it only because I was pregnant. Although they never said a word, but they wouldn't have e.g. offered their seat to me if I hadn't been pregnant. So the fact that they did, made me feel a little self-conscious of being pregnant. Am I wrong to assume that when someone offers you help (as in, asks if you are in pain and would you like help with those bags), even though they never say a thing about the limp, YOU know that they are offering because they noticed the limp? So in effect they are 'reminding' you of it. Would you rather people didn't offer help, but waited for you to ask? Genuine question.

PussInBrogues · 30/04/2014 13:20

certainlty not

nor would i comment on anything like that

IamInvisible · 30/04/2014 13:21

Purple I got my current crutches from the German Crutch Company. I have had quite a few different sorts,including patterned ones, but these are the best ones I've had. They are lightweight, the handles don't hurt my hands and they don't make any noise so I can creep up on the kids when they are up to mischief!