I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

A nurse friend once told me that a toddler doesn't actually need to consume more than a slice of bread and butter and two glasses of milk a day. Anything extra (healthy-wise) is a bonus. So it really doesn't matter if your toddler doesn't eat a lunch or supper. Allow them to pick at it.

My own daughter was a very fussy eater, she absolutely drove me to distraction at times, really she did. She is now 21 and eats just about anything that is given to her. Moules Mariniere, smoked salmon, any type of pie (fish, cottage, steak and kidney) she loves fish, roast dinners, cauliflower cheese
The OP quite clearly came on here to ask for a bit of assistance, she was clearly at the end of her tether and needed some advice.

Advice from a veteran who'se done this - don't make it a big deal, really, just don't. Offer a plate of fruit, vegetables, pasta, rice, potatoes - whatever you know she will like to eat. Sometimes add to the plate other things, just introduce new ingredients. Sometimes they will try and enjoy, other times they will hate. My own youngsters now eat all sorts of things and are never afraid to try new stuff. Introduce things gently, don't make it a big meal thing that they may feel intimidated by. (Sorry, it's hard to explain in a post, sometimes).

Don't feel too bad about losing it, this one time - you obviously came on here to ask for help and advice. Apologise to your daughter, but please don't do it again
At times, you feel at the end of your tether, but you know what you did was wrong. Now make it all better. And you will

minny - agree. Not great, not the end of the world. A sign to give up the food battle.

Give her a big cuddle in the am op and forget about it.

Well abuse is a complicated thing. The internet is a place where we can have fun telling somebody we know very little about that they are a bad person. Some people might say that was just a tad abusive.

I sometimes get very very tired of a particular kind of parenting which involves hearing parents spend hours and hours sweetly 'reasoning' with very small children who just need to be told 'No!' quickly and firmly.

While I don't think shouting or being angry or violent is at all a good thing, there is a level on which I think children need to learn as they grow up that adults have limits. Parents are not saints, and may become cross or raise their voice, or become impatient if someone pushes at their boundaries again and again and again despite being told not to.

I think the main thing is to have a kind of parenting that is mainly positive and affectionate. It's about being a 'good enough' parent, not some saint on a pedestal. If a parent gets too cross- and loses it - then explaining why afterwards and making things up, and saying that parents (like children) will get things wrong and will want to say sorry after means that matters will have been resolved in a positive way.

I am a bit surprised at the hypocrisy of people who have slammed the OP for her actions (which I don't agree with either BTW) and then said if they'd been there they would have 'done time' for what they'd have done to the OP or 'punched her in the face' (or similar - I'm quoting from memory having just RTT). How does that help anyone? Ridiculous.

OP - I'm glad you're taking some steps to sort things out, BTW my DS is same age as your DD and he has suddenly snapped out of a fussy stage and is eating everything in sight at nursery and trying new things at home. It has taken several months of exposure to his new nursery's menus which were a lot different to the ones at his old nursery eg things such as stir frys and currys I'd given up cooking at home as no-one ate them. Maybe there's something in each new food needs to be offered X number of times.

This meets criteria of abuse.

Well said river.

You need to use this incident as a massive wake-up call. My dd is a terrible eater, every since weaning really. I've sieve years being frustrated to the point of tears. I've finally given up. If she doesn't want her food, I now just calmly say that's fine and I take it away. She gets nothing else. It's up to her. There are no more battles and everything is much calmer.

Am quite worried by number of people who think this is no big deal tbh.

Including Rivertam.

My son did this , albeit at an earlier age. I gave up cooking complicated meals for him and made simple things: pasta, scrambled eggs, baked potatoes, bean on toast, fish fingers, cheese on toast, Not so upsetting if they reject it if you haven't spent hours over it, it isn't such a rejection of your mothering/love/love. He's 10 now and loves good home cooking.

I haven't read the whole thread (I know, I know, RTFT). But have you read "My Child Won't Eat" by Carlos Gonzalez? Apols if already suggested, but it might stop you continuing this ridiculous and counterproductive battle for control with your child. Anyway, I hope you cleaned her up, apologised and explained why what you did was so wrong (dread to think your reaction if she'd done that to you), and resolved never to do something like that again.

No?

I'm not sure that's what Rivertam meant Fanjo - yes it's a wake up call and a big deal, but wasn't the point Rivertam was trying to make that just screaming at the OP that they were digusting and abusive is hardly helping the OP to get some help to sort things out or giving her any advice she cna use to improve things. Although I think there has also been some good advice and suggestions on here as well.

Ok the tipping the food over thing was NOT great, but you know that. If it was me (and I can do silly things when I get to the end of my tether too) I'd totally wall myself off from the food situation, let her do what she wants because she's 3 and just get professional help if she starts to get ill/thin. Most things are a phase. Mine's been through a phase of only drinking milk, now all of a sudden she's eating pretty normally. Just ride it out is my advice.

Yes she needs help.

But doing that to a child of 3 is a big deal and a big red flag IMO of potential to abuse.

The "shame on you" comments were given in abundance and near unanimously on the first several pages, after which the OP acknowledged them, and people did offer helpful advice River - Fanjo how would it help to keep beating the OP over the head with a metaphorical stick - that was done to death at the start of the thread, but becomes massively pointless if nothing more helpful is then said. After all the OP and her daughter do have to move on from this, there is no other option, and saying "you are evil" 9 million times is less use than offering constructive advice.

I guess people want to get that across.

As the 3 year old can't stick up for herself.

I feel for you, I really do. I also know think you won't ever repeat this again.

I for one, am not going to berate you. You already know this was a big overstep. The question is now, how can you move on and get the help.

Is HomeStart still around these days? It sounds as though you need some real support to bring you and dd back to centre again.

I hope you're ok tonight.

But the people who think this is no big deal (I am not one of them btw) are not implying that it is an ok thing to do, are they? THey are taking the OP on her word that this was a one off explosion of rage and an action that she regretted as soon as she had done it. They are saying that there is a way back from this - I also wholeheartedly think this is so.

All those who KEEP on coming to say exactly how abusive it it, and how they wouldn't do such a thing etc etc - this has all been said. I could understand keeping on making the point if the OP had NOT acknowledged that this was a terrible action, but she has stated this several time. She has a plan.

And many people are saying " dont beat yourself up, it's not a big deal.".

It IS a big deal.

Oh OP have a hug. Food issues are so stressful, especially when there are other things going on such as tantrums, new babies, preschool etc.

It wasn't a great thing to do but it is done now. You were right to have a talk with dd and I think you need to sit with dh and talk to.

How are you feeling in yourself? apart from this Could you be struggling with tiredness as well which never helps with perspective.

Talking to your HV will be good, how about your dd's preschool teachers?

Accept that you were wrong, put it to bed and make a plan to progress.

As for those who say its abuse, as a sw I can tell you we would look at op getting support, not as a child protection issue. It could be classed as emotional abuse but not seriously as its a one off and there are other issues at play. OP can't change what's happened, just learn from it so be helpful and as my mum says, as this is on the parenting forum "if you can't say anything helpful SHUT UP"

I hope there isn't a repeat of this.

If you act abusively to a child because you see a red mist though I am not sure you can guarantee you won't lose it again.

Not without a lot of help.

I agree with River.
I hate threads like this...it shows Mumsnet in its worst light.

well, op, when I saw your title I just laughed out loud.

I think if we are honest many of us have felt like this at one time or other, I know I have.

She has just learnt that adults have feelings too.

OK, practical advice (I haven't read all the thread, so apologise if there are repeats.)

Food- you cannot make them eat and they will turn it into a control thing. Unless there are real issues (not just 3 year old stubbornness) then there is a very simple solution.
Step back and stop stressing how much she eats. She will eat when she is hungry and missing tea once or twice really won't hurt. Put food on the table and at the end of the meal clear the table. She can eat at meal times or not, but she doesn't get snacks instead.

So, put food on table, give her spoon. Then sit and chat as a family, do not make a deal out of food, don't talk about food, don't comment, except to say calmly and cheerfully ''dd today we have a new system. When daddy and I have finished, I will clear all the plates away, if you don't want to eat that is fine, but I will clear your plate and then dinner is finished and there is no more food until breakfast''
Then you eat. When you have all finished (maybe give her a 5 minute warning) you clear the plates. If she hasn't eaten, it doesn't matter. She won't starve. She will eat when hungry. Don't offer an alternative (unless you know she really doesn't like it).

Hope you have a better day tomorrow

My 3 year old is doing the same, yes its frustrating but there is no way I would tip his dinner over his head then send him to bed hungry.

Your poor dd, I feel quite upset thinking about how you must have made her feel tbh. If your oh tipped dinner over your head people would be telling you to ltb and have him arrested

Shocked that the worst light for MN is people objecting to ill treatment of a 3 year old rather than the ill treatment tbh.