I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

Orchardbeck - have just skimmed the entire thread & wanted to add what I hope is a reassuring comment to make you smile:

My mum did exactly what you did to my sister when she was 3 (I was a baby) - my sister suddenly went mega fussy over food, mum was tired dealing with me as a baby, my dad worked loooong hours in London, mum lost the plot one evening and tipped my sisters tea all over her head.

My sister has absolutely NO memory of it at all, although we do all have a real chuckle about it now (i'm 35, my sister is 37, my kids are 7,5 & 2 and we invariably laugh about it together when my sister is round during a kids meal time and they won't eat up / take ages to eat).

My sister certainly hasn't been emotionally scarred by the event, like I say we all laugh about it now. Yes, mum probably felt completely shit at the time (moreso because she was knackered with a 3yo and baby).

All this talk of 'its abuse' on this thread is completely ridiculous in my opinion. You lost control, you know that. You feel rubbish & have apologised to your DD. You certainly don't need to telephone social bloody services! Yes call the HV to ask about mealtime ideas, but not to report this!

Now wake up tomorrow with new plans & ideas for mealtimes and think no more of it. Plus stop reading any nasty comments on this thread. Good luck OP

I don't care how stressed you are or what lesson you were trying to achieve!

you cannot throw food over your child, disgusting abnormal behaviour by both of you.

your poor Dd

Fanjo the point is the objecting has been done to death - everyone, including the OP, has agreed that what she did was unacceptable, and then the thread moved more towards looking at what the OP could do to remove the meal time tension that led to the event - surely, surely solving the problem is a good thing - are you really trying to say it would be better for people to just come in and take turns to post "You are shit" one after another until the thread filled up - nobody is saying what the OP did was OK, not even the OP herself, your outrage that people are trying to help her and her daughter instead of just condemning out of hand makes no sense...

some of the posters on this thread must be in line for canonisation shortly

jesus

Orchard it was bad and I was going to say you should apologise, I'm glad you have. But it wasn't as bad as it could have been. It was humiliating and uncalled for and you lost it because of your anger – but, you didn't hit her or do anything terribly damaging (IMHO) as long as you apologise, say you know it was wrong and you are not going to do it again.

With both of mine 3 is the age I have found hardest (so far!) and done things I'm ashamed of which have included pulling along the street (like a previous poster said, because I had to get to school and 3yo refused to walk and kicked too much when carried - and I was as gentle as possible but it looks awful) and pushed or pulled tantrumming 3yo into a room so that I could shut the door just for 20 seconds so I could calm myself down. I have thrown myself on a bed and screamed into a pillow in exasperation in front of them too.

I've always tried to apologise and explain that I lost it and it was not OK.

It is the brain-jangling frustration not just of one frustrating event but the same ones repeated over and over. I know nursery has helped to keep me sane through the threenager phases. Re food, while DS has been fine and eats most things, DD is a nightmare and refuses almost everything. It's infuriating, but it's something I have to realise I can't control.

When you are 3 you have very little control and try to get it any way you can. Your DD sees that this food things really matters to you - so that's the one thing she can do to get LOTS of power. The more upset you get, the more power. It's not scheming or nasty, it's what they naturally do. It helps to let go, stop giving her posh expensive lovongly prepared food, and offer her something basic for tea - tinned pasta, fish fingers and peas, cheese on toast with a banana. If she refuses it, as others have said just calmly tidy it away, don't react, calmly say no pudding but you can have crackers/bread (etc. - something plain she will eat) if you're hungry.

We say to DD "You can't have pudding if you haven't eaten the first course because it's not healthy to eat JUST pudding, you will turn into a pudding!" and keep it lighthearted. We don't have a rule about clearing plates, but specify a decent amount that has to be eaten if she wants pudding. It is slow progress but at least I'm not tearing my hair out every day, so less stressful for me.

Sorry this is v long. While I don't support your actions I think you did well to post, and to come back, and I think there is a way on from here.

But surely you can tell a child that a parent has limits by asking them to go upstairs. The times I have shouted at my DC have been times when I was seriously under pressure. And it was the thing which made me think, stop, what is going on here, why am I doing this? Not, well, they did/did not do x,y,z. If the reaction is disproportionate, then you need to look at yourself and why, not what the DC did or did not do. For me, shouting was not okay and it made me look around me at why I was doing it and I changed the situation.

I think it is abuse if you blame the provocation, rather than taking responsibility for the action being wrong. Better still would be not to do it at all. IMO, tipping a meal over a child's head after making them sit for an hour is wrong; blaming it on the child's behaviour for not doing what you want makes it abusive. That is not being sanctimonious or abusive to the OP, it is simply a distinction. There is plenty of positive advice about support here. I guess my question would be quite simply why did it matter so much? And I think if you answer that question, you can start to unravel what is actually going on.

My final twopence worth. I am reckoning the DH backed her up because he is never there and knows he morally does not have a leg to stand on to comment; or because she is dishing out his justice, that is, he is a farmer, it is his food, he expects it to be eaten. There were two adults in the room, sorry, I would also wonder why he thought this was okay, that will help with working out what is actually going on.

I really hope she's too young to ever remember this. Horrible.

This reminds me of a childhood game we played at school called pile on the biscuit.
The first kid would sit on a chair and then another would sit on his lap, then everyone else would pile in on top while chanting "PILE ON THE BISCUIT...PILE ON THE BISCUIT...PILE ON THE BISCUIT"...until the first kid would be flattened and gasping for air.

This thread is the adult version of pile on the biscuit.

And your OP to me just sounds odd. Going on about your homegrown vegetables and how painful it was to see it wasted

Apologies, the last paragraph sound AWFUL because it is in third person, sorry. I didn't intend it to, I was thinking outloud. I guess my point is to the OP, that your DH has a role here.

Again, sorry.

I started to post about 2 hours ago and had to leave it for a bit. I knew you would be criticised by perfect parents. My mum did that to my brother when she was at the end of her tether, similar age from memory. She is nearly 80 now and he still loves her to bits. Perhaps don't do it daily though. Sounds like you are having a hard time - do you have any other real life support if DH has to work crazy hours? We all have tough times parenting (those of us that are brave enough to be grown up and admit it) - it is then, when you catch breath, thinking about what you do different next time.

Piss off SillyBilly - did you know correcting grammar is grounds for dinner dumping on head. ;)

Take the pressure off. Let her eat at her own pace. I have to negotiate with ds2 as there is always something he would rather do than eat. He is 6. He has always been difficult to feed. We have told him dinner takes 40 minutes and we do remind him to eat his tea, but after that it is cleared away. I completely understand the frustration when you have put your love into a meal and they reject it, but remind yourself it is not a rejection of anything, it is just them having a tiny bit of control. When it comes down to it you cannot make them eat it. I've made mistakes, you've made a mistake, just learn from it.

Mine in general eat most of what is put down to them, and I strongly believe it is because I just don't make a fuss about food. They go through phases of not eating vegetables or the like and they don't get pudding unless they eat a reasonable amount but I force myself not to get worked up about food at all.

On the 'losing it' thing. Try taking yourself away. Make sure the kids are safe, and go into the bathroom and count to 10 or sing a song that makes you happy. Then go back. You won't act so impulsively. This works for me most of the time.

I read an article that had a profound effect on me - a woman had a repairman in the basement one day and when the kids played up, she dealt much more calmly than she would have had he not been there. She now acts like 'there's a repairman in the basement'. It's soooo hard to hold your temper, it takes a huge amount of energy to control yourself and your tongue - but it does work. And that horrible feeling afterwards never comes. Life is much calmer, as the children then copy you (you mentioned she shouts over you now).

It's never easy being on your own with kids all the time (I'm guessing he might be lambing etc at all hours). A farmers wife is a tough gig

Sending you hugs. You'll get there - believe in yourself. It's never too late to fix things.

I was correcting the wording. You had the saying wrong. Wouldnt you rather know the right saying? it's not a criticism

OP - you're getting a hard time here. I can sympathise. My 4 year DD can push every single button in the book and has done for quite a long time. Her persistence and wilfulness is quite outstanding. Even my mother (infant school teacher - takes no nonsense) runs out of ideas. DD is articulate, persuasive and intelligent.

I can see how you got to the point you did. That doesn't make it right. But you already know that.

I think you have 2 choices. You either ignore her at mealtimes - she will either eat or she won't. You don't react in anyway.

Or you introduce something like a reward chart - that rewards positive behaviour - eg trying new food, tasting each part of the meal etc

Neither are likely to be the magic bullet (I have had several reward charts thrown at me...) but they may help.

Yes apologise to her. She needs to know that behaviour isn't right. But she also needs to know why you did it. Being honest with her might also help - or at least it keeps the channel of conversation open. Our issue is not food but bedtime. I can see DD's point of view about not staying in her own bed. She is starting to understand ours about not being disturbed or kept awake all night.

I hope it works out for you.

I don't think from my experience that social services would count this as abuse, knowing some serious cases of neglect and drug misuse by so-called parents that were consistently ignored by them.

Just wanted to add that I also completely understand that breaking point, do something I regret thing, as I have done similar with my dd1 who is not quite 3.

And before I get blasted like the op, just read that I regret them!

I didn't cover her in food - she happily does that to herself - but I have dragged her home by the wrist after spending an hour in the rain trying to get her to walk home after a walk. I have also shouted "shut up" at her in her face in the early days of dd2 when she had been tantrumming for a few hours. DP has also shouted shut up ay her twice during mega tantrums.

Each time we have gone to cool off, come back, apologised, and apologised again when all is calm. And tried to learn from them.

I envy those perfect mothers on this thread who obviously have never been there.

I agree with RiverTam.

I must not laugh, I must not laugh, he he he.

Sorry, but there, but fir tbe grace of God go I.

Food is control freak DD2's weapon of choice.

She was great a small baby and she was very very small when she started on solids. However at 12 months old she reached the 50% line and was able to remain there living on fresh air.

Eventually I gave up bothering, I just chuck food she'll eat her way without comment and at 13 she's getting a bit better.

I do think OP would have taken far less of a bashing if she had posted that they were the last Tesco Value sausages and tinned peas she had and money was tight, and left out the "made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that" part... Maybe something to think about next time you post Orchard :o

Flipping heck, OP. Hope you are alright after reading the more, er, negative replies.

Totally agree with pictish.

I should have said when ds2 was just 3 he had a tantrum about me bringing the wrong blanket to his birthday treat at the zoo. It was so violent he snapped the back of his pushchair. Try reading Raising a Spirited Child. A life saver as I have no idea what to do with him sometimes!

SillyBilly - not really, I think readers knew the essence of what I meant. I got the wording wrong - no big deal in the scheme of thing imho. Although didn't really mean to tell u p* off - sorry.

I'm severely sleep deprived and have just worked a 12 hour day. Note to self - don't post on mn when tired.