I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

I am not a perfect mum, no one is, but I've never gone this far.
I echo others suggestions to urgently get yourself some help.

Make today the end of this behaviour (from you)

I do think you should apologise to your DD, it is a good lesson for a child to know that everyone makes mistakes and how to go about putting them right

MrsDevere yep I never found it caused problems either, just that I inferred that the OP brought it up to explain that sometimes she half forgets her DD is only 3. I look back on the expectations I had of my DD at 2, and realise I should be expecting more of DC3, as mainly high expectations led her to flourish I think, but sometimes I caught myself expecting her to understand/ empathise beyond her years (still do) and I think that is where the "problems" can lie for some parents - just forgetting your child is still littler than their language leads you to treat them as.

• not that it leads you to throw food at them obviously! Just to have inflated expectations!

It's great that you're going to make a plan and address this but it does read like you are trill focussing on what she did not what you did.

The control issues that need to be dealt with are yours not hers.
You speak of it as her tantruming and you antagonising things.
That really isn't the case.

Well done op, on all counts.

Now sit down and have a

All the home reared pig in the world wont make what you did anything less than abusive and cruel.

disgusting behaviour.

I hope this incident marks the day you turned a corner. Seek some external support, your husband is not the one to give it to you (singlehandedly). Good luck, OP.

The OP has already apologised to her daughter, and thanked people for all their comments and generally responded in a thoughtful way.

I don't get the 3 year old control thing, I never have. Unless you mean they are tantrumming because things are out of their control.

Personally, I have always taken the view that controlling how much you wish to eat of a meal is a human right. One of the things I had in an adult relationship would be him telling me what to eat when. That is controlling you. Saying no, I do not wish to eat right now is not being controlling. I just tend to let DC eat as much as they wish; I do tend to ask them to stay at the table till the other is finished though. If they are hungry later, they tell me.

Also try cutting out daytime snacks so she's super hungry when she sits down to eat. I had the same probs with my dd, she'd only eat 1 meal in 3 , then she had a growth spurt and started eating again.

Good for you for reading and accepting what's been said. Good luck.

If people are as sanctimonious to their children as they are to this OP, they are abusive.

I was about to write something probably snide and self-righteous but appreciate that the OP returned after reading the comments made and has faced the music, as it were.

I think you need to get some perspective on your dd's eating here. Is she underweight? Dropping down growth centiles? I'm a GP and I also have ds1 5.5yo with major eating issues and food phobia following severe reflux as a baby and numerous hospital admissions and feeding tubes. I won't get into that because I'll end up digressing, but I certainly understand how frustrating and worrying food fussiness is. However, she is only 3yo. She ate well previously, from the sound of it, so it would appear to be most likely a fussy phase rather than true eating issues, and while this may currently be frustrating it should pass with time. Many children go through a fussy stage - I have seen worried mums whose small child only wants to eat cream crackers, for example - and how you respond to it is key. If you act like it doesn't upset you and simply remove uneaten food but make it clear that you aren't going to offer an alternative dinner, then you'll probably ride the phase out more quickly, and without tearing your own hair out. If you overreact and lose the plot, then your child will associate eating and meals with stress and anxiety, and this is turn can exacerbate eating problems. I realise it is hard to relax about it, but really, you need to relax about it. For both your sakes. 'Just Take A Bite' is a good book you might find helpful.

Yes well done for coming back and taking comments on board Orchard - my 3 year old is worse after preschool too, tantrums of epic proportions and fights with his brother, throws stuff, kicks stuff... he only started preschool a few weeks ago though, and has also had a birthday to contend with, lots of good, fun things but he's been a bit overloaded and is processing via tantrums!

One of mine almost never eats dinner by the way and he is very tall for his age and broad and strong - he just seems "set" to do all his eating before 2pm, which actually is a pretty healthy eating pattern for life, so although I make him sit with us at dinner (which he is happy and accepting about) if he eats nothing I try not to get down about how long it took me to cook I cook from scratch but don't home rear the meat, perhaps its easier to shrug off if you shop at Aldi :o

Clara..that is bollocks

Clara..that is bollocks

DS used to be like a loose cannon after nursery; he moved to one with more outdoor space and less routine and is much, much happier and settled, both there and at home.

We've all done something we regret at some point. She's not hurt, start afresh tomorrow.

I see some posters with the 'how can you get so worked up over fussy eatng' but a friend's DD refuses to eat all but about three things and it's maddening. She asks for things and then refuses to eat them once made, it leads to a lot of food waste and is stressful and upsetting for her mum.

Well done OP.
I have no doubt you feel like shite right now but this is a bit of a lighbulb moment if you like and you can use this to reassess how you are coping and very importantly ASK FOR HELP. Dh, family, friends, HV, homestart, GP. Whoever you need to talk to, to get some help. She mightnt be entitled to more nursery hours yet but could you get a mothers help or au pair? Or even get a CMer/nanny for 2 mornings a week?

Hi OP - sorry to hear you're struggling. Nothing to add to the positive suggestions already posted.

In response to the negative posts who appear to be gleefully posting how awful you've behaved - well, there before the grace of God.

Deeps breaths, tomorrow is another day.

Haven't read all the comments but I'm afraid you have way overstepped the line. If a senile relative had been fussy with their dinner, no one would say it's OK to do that to them.

Anyway moving forward I would recommend you read 'help, my child won't eat' - it's written by a paediatrician and will reassure you that fussy eating isn't a problem. Also I think maybe you should see your GP about your anger/perspective.

My parents just took a passive approach. If we didn't want what was on the table, we didn't eat but we still had to sit at the table and wait until everyone was done. If we got hungry later before bed, they'd reheat the food for us.

can I just say that most people on here shouting 'abuse' and 'disgusting' - very few of you have actually suggested anything useful for the OP to learn - how you coped with things like this for example - all the 'I never came close to this!!!!!!!' doesn't actually help, does it? Just that you don't need any help with this aspect of parenting, and nor should she is she's any kind of parent at all - is that it?

The fact that the OP started the thread, in the Parenting topic (it's not AIBU, is it?) suggests that she knew it was wrong, though perhaps not how wrong it is. She has come here looking for advice, but out of 180 odd posts, she hasn't actually been given much.

I have found this thread rather upsetting, to be honest - what a perfect, unhelpful, kick-me-when-I'm-down bunch of people many of you are. A parent has a one-off moment where she snaps, and that's it, call SS? Who are surely over-burdened with cases involving children suffering continuing, horrific, actual abuse.

I thought MN was about offering support and advice, in many cases to people who are struggling. A lot of posters (though not all, of course) make me wonder if it really is.

Hiding the thread now. OP, I hope and I'm sure that you can move on from this.

but for the grace of god

And ringing SS is a valid suggestion - they can put her in touch with any number of people/organisations that could provide her with some help and support. Wasn't that fairly obvious?