I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

OP, you accept you need help.

What are you doing/have done to seek it ?

My DH worked 120 hours a week when I had a new born and a 2 year old.
Both bad sleepers. All family 300 miles away.
I was exhausted and depressed, but never did anything like this.

I feel desperately sorry for you OP, and absolutely agree that you need help, but I am never going to tell you that what you did was understandable or acceptable.

As a slight aside, but may also be relevant to the op and others.
What happens if a child refuses food a lot? Does a parent need to see a GP?
But am also thinking that it is surprising how little food we need sometimes, probably including children.

BertieBotts book sounds good.

You have really crossed a line here. Sure I daydream about doing stuff like that when dc are pushing the limits, but I would never actually carry it out. A deep breath, count to 10 and walk away. The dinner is never so important that it should be tipped over someones head to show how important it is. Would you do this to your dh? Your boss? Your mother? If not, why not? If you think thats ok, where does your boundary lie? Or maybe I should change that to you don't think its ok, but you did it anyway.

I think you would benefit from doing some sort of parenting / anger management class. Why don't you ask your hv whats in your local area? I can't believe for one moment that you want your child to grow up with the consequences of such behavior. Because your boundary is so far over, where will you draw the line on other things? You may say this type of behavior won't happen again, but you will be fooling yourself to think thats the truth. Get some help now before its too late.

I don't think anybody is saying it is fine HappyMummy - the food issues seem to be more the OP's than the child's though.

Stop allowing food to be a battle - except in a very limited number of cases of children with actual malnutrition, kids can regulate their own appetites and should not be forces, coaxed, bribed or cajoled into eating when they don't want to - you are just setting them up with life long food issues if you spend an hour (or 3!) trying to persuade them to eat a meal - unless the child is dangerously under weight it is, basically, a bafflingly strange thing to be doing to both yourself and the child! If a child chooses not to eat dinner (rather than you not letting them eat it) let them not eat dinner - they obviously aren't hungry! If you are worried they will go to bed hungry, give them the option of milk/ banana/ slice of bread and butter a reasonable interval after the meal...

I'd call social services / health visitor and say you need some support to be honest.

This was awful.....

you do need to speak to HV or Gp....

for those who said don't appolgise..I have always apologised to my child when I am wrong..I certainly wouldn't like my 3 year old to think this was ok..

You do need to find a way to relax about food. Many children who were great eaters go through phases where they won't eat what you want some longer than others but they are many ways of doing this..

My Ds went through a phase of not eating his meat on his plate so gave him chunks to eat while meat was resting... You need stratergies that are going to work which is where HV may be able to help you

Counting to ten is really usefull with fraying tempers.

Give the op a break. We all have low points in our parenting. The op has expressed her frustration in a way her dd will understand. Provided the food didn't burn the child it'll all be water under the bridge. The op knows that her actions were wrong so there's no point beating her for it.

3yos are maddening. I expect the incident of your dd wearing her dinner will become the stuff of family history.

If anyone is concerned about the amount their child eats- keep a food diary for two weeks. Record anything and everything that passes their lips. Usually you will be very surprised about how much they are actually eating but if not you have some proper information to show your GP.

hotcrosshunny I managed to get about half the dinner into him. I'll try your suggestion next time, but I worry about him because he really just will not eat at all at times and very rarely asks for food.

It's really, really easy, especially when you've had a 2nd child, to forget how little the first one is and expect rather more from them than you probably should.

It sounds as if you're desperately trying to do the very best for the children, but got the lines of control and what's the best for the child a "little" blurred. We've all done it, even if it's not in the same way you did.

Just remember in future that nobody pours your dinner over your head when you don't want or like it and 3 year olds deserve the same respect. Even on the days they declare dinner to be, "Discustin'!" when last week the same meal was the best thing ever. Just clear it away, let it go and move on.

OP I doubt you are still reading, but if you are, well you clearly know it was wrong or you wouldn't have posted, and you wouldn't be in tears typing.

She is little. You need to be the adult here. Apologise to her, don't make food into a battleground however frustrating it is for you, and move on. I think it has shocked you, and if that is your worse parenting moment ever, well, it's not the end of the world. But it can't happen again.

Good luck, OP.

if this is true you should be bloody ashamed of yourself .she is a small child and you acted like a big BULLY .sorry but you did words fail me

MsBumble my youngest is like this. Sometimes only wants one bite if that. But this way means that I don't waste time getting stressed and she is growing fine. Her big brother was also the same and now is an eating machine always wanting food

You cannot be serious? I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old. I have been near the end of my tether many many many times- I have never tipped food over my childs head. Yes you have crossed a line. Please make tomorrow a fresh start and takes steps to ensure this doesnt happen again.

I've got a 3 year old, who eats like a sparrow. She's perfectly healthy though, she eats more some days than others and it balances out.

I dish up her meals presuming she's going to eat maybe two forks full, then I'm delighted when she eats it, and just take it away if she doesn't.

MsBumble 3 hours?!! Why?? He doesn't want it.

Op, chill the fuck out, it's frustrating at times I agree, but I really hope you know that what you did is way beyond the pale.

Tomorrow is another day.

I do think this is 3yo trying to control things in a way because no doubt you are spoon feeding the baby and this is her way of getting attention.

Is there anyway you could feed the baby first and pop her down so you can sit at the table with 3yo and have something to eat ypurself?

Then if slow eating or not eating at all give her bread and butter and fruit and leave her to it.

It is your job to offer food not to make sure she eats it.

I really think the OP has got the message that this was a shit thing to do now, enough people have said so.

What is your plan OP - I don't think you would have posted on here if you had not realised that you had crossed a line, you need some way of managing your anger, do you think your HV would help? Or coming up with a plan to remove stress like putting something she will eat on the table along with something she won't and then not talking about it. This worked for us in the end.

Thank you again, yes I have read all the responses, painful as some have been, and yes I could have made the decision not to respond and disappear but I have - I asked for help and people were kind enough to offer it.

Dd 1 is asleep, but before she went to sleep I went up to see her and had a chat and apologised.

I'm going to make less of an issue of meal times from now on. I am also going to ensure that she gets even more attention from me in between these periods. (We've tried the whole cooking together several times, it makes no difference).

I'm going to speak to my Hv to see if there is anything I can do to ease the tantrums and control issues and where I am perhaps antagonising the situation. I know this is normal for this age period.

I have requested more time at pre school, they have nothing available until September. To be honest she is worse after preschool but I guess that is just letting off steam after being so well behaved there. I can't believe I'm writing this about my little girl, I love her so much.

Hi OP, I have a 3 yr old dd and I although I've never done what you've done, I have got so frustrated and angry with her I lost my self control and shut her in a dark room - only for 2 seconds before I got a grip, but I was gutted with my behaviour.

It was a huge wake up call to me, to stop taking her behaviour personally. She is 3, she is programmed to get into power struggles and try to be in control the whole time. I had to learn to chill and accept this is a natural normal phase.

I accepted which situations caused most stress, for us it was teeth brushing and getting dressed and found strategies to stop it becoming a battle.

For you it's obviously meal times, you've had loads of great advice on how to handle this in future.

If I was you I would say a huge sorry to dd in the morning, explain you got angry and shouldn't have done that. I think it is a good example to apologise and admit when you are wrong, I do this everyday with my dc!!

Oh dear, too funny - don't worry it's a phrase she'll grow out of! You've asserted yourself, it'll be forgotten by tomorrow

The cooking together thing won't just work immediately. It takes time and she still won't eat everything you make together. But, over time, little by little, it will help to give her more feeling of control over what she eats and make her more likely to eat her dinner.