I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

Oh come on Brian.

4.If posters dont agree that if a person is genuinely sorry, that they should be helped, again we are talking two scenarios.

That was the bit I wrote before I wrote the bit you quoted differentnameforthis.
The person does have to be genuinely sorry.

It would be ok to report it, but if a ss saw what the poster has written and it is entirely true with nothing missed out, then .

I would like to say to you to volunteer with things to do with ss. But there are not many oppurtunities to do that. It is not like saying you want to volunteer at the local library.

But please do keep your eyes open media wise.

Upthread, people did dismiss the Nigerian situation as not in the same ball park as this.
Quite, it isnt.

And in case, people are going to say whatever, based on just this post, or my last few, please read all my threads in their entirety and right from when I first posted, to get my full picture.

If a person is sorry, after bad behaviour, then that person is to be supported too.
Partly, because they regret it and have said sorry.
And partly because of rehabilitation.

That is the bit I am putting the op into, different.

And she was remorseful. So glad that this thread is all written down, so that the evidence is there to be read.

1.If posters are choosing not to read or agree with what a poster has written, then we are talking two scenarios.

2.If posters dont for example see the difference between cases that are not ss, and ones that are, again, we are talking two scenarios.

3.If posters dont agree in rehabilitation, again we are talking two scenarios.

4.If posters dont agree that if a person is genuinely sorry, that they should be helped, again we are talking two scenarios.

5.If posters dont even think that such things should be posted about on mumsnet, again we are talking two different scenarios.

I think that this needs repeating. Especially points 1. and 4.

If you were say a neighbour of the op, and you knew some more stuff besides what she has written, then yes, reporting it wouldnt be such a bad idea. [though it is likely that school or pre school may be having concerns, though relying on someone else to report is not always a good idea, so best to do it yourself]

But if the details that she has written in this post were all you had to go by, then no.
[and yes, there would be laughing involved at an ss office]

I don't think anyone would laugh, to be honest. If they did, they need to be sacked for not taking this seriously.

I don't think this is a laughing matter AT ALL.

If a person is sorry, after bad behaviour, then that person is to be supported too. Partly, because they regret it and have said sorry.

Have you forgotten that violent partners also say sorry? It could be argued that they regret their action, should they be supported too, to keep on abusing their partner?

If they did, they need to be sacked for not taking their job seriously.

They should be supported to not do it again. See point 3.

But if anyone hit me on more than once, I would be gone like a shot. And then support him from afar, if he genuinely wanted to change his behaviour.

Rabbitrisen - you have made some excellent points.

But if anyone hit me on more than once, I would be gone like a shot. And then support him from afar, if he genuinely wanted to change his behaviour.

I don't think she has made good points at all..the above post just highlights how naive she is.

Agreed different

I think Rabbit's points are misguided.

We should not second guess the reaction of SS to any complaint.
If they laugh (highly dubious claim) then shame on them. But protecting our own tender sensibilities to the possible detriment of a child's welfare is not on.

Once a report is made then it is up to SS to be professional. It is out of our hands.

SS can then find out what exactly it is that the person is sorry for and assess whether and how much help is needed. The responsibility of SS is to the child. Any support offered or any other option decided upon must be in the best interest of the child.

My concern about that would be that it would have the unintended consequence of frightening struggling parents into keeping quiet about their problems, with the result that they wouldn't get help (from wherever). If parents can be open about their parenting difficulties without fear of being reported to ss, everyone would benefit.

And ss would have more resources available for helping families with more serious problems.

I hope op is getting the help she needs. I think it's so sad the responses she has got on here. People have twisted her posts and made her in to a monster. She is not.

She came on here asking for help and admitted she was in the wrong and was devastated and apologised.

Sometimes we all do things we are not proud of. A lot of self righteous jumping on the bandwagon here

MN not at it's finest.

But the OP here doesn't think she has parenting difficulties
She thinks all the blame lies on a rebel 3 year old, who is wasting food.
I wonder how big are the portions OP is giving to the child, tbh...
Also she doesn't say what time was dinner and what time was snack before dinner. I also wonder if she is offering too much food and demanding plates are left clean.
I have a child myself who once was 3, and I looked after many toddlers.
I learnt that the key is small portions, and let the kids ask for more. And also be very careful in between meals.

People also should stop being afraid of SS.

My concern about that would be that it would have the unintended consequence of frightening struggling parents into keeping quiet about their problems, with the result that they wouldn't get help (from wherever). If parents can be open about their parenting difficulties without fear of being reported to ss, everyone would benefit

Absolutely.

I just can't believe this thread and how people keep minimising what the poor child went through. Also make assumptions on what a wonderful parent the OP is and this is just a little mistake.
We still have a long way to go where child protection is concerned in my opinion.
BTW, yes we all make mistakes, but the mistake OP made just crossed the line

Why Is It So Hard To Understand???

barbie so what do you want to happen? Do you want the child removed from the family home and put in care? Do you want op charged with this abuse?

no one has minimised this and no one has said she is a wonderful mother.

She clearly needs help and support. She knows she crossed the line.

Getting hysterical about it doesn't help.

She wasn't sure she crossed the line until people here told her. If she knew she wouldn't be here asking if she did, she wouldn't send her child to bed hungry and without an apology.

Of course I don't want the child should be removed and I don't think the OP should be charged for this incident only.

But it is a fact that, if the child tells what happens at her nursery, any responsive and experienced child care practitioner will raise a red flag and SS will be probably contacted. It doesn't mean the child will be removed and OP will be charged. But they will need to investigate what is going on for the well being of the child. And to help the family out.

People should stop getting hysterical about SS.

I think the help that the OP needs is beyond MN, and telling her tomorrow is another day, don't worry about it, everyone makes mistakes is not the kind of help she needs.

Yes, some posts here seems hash and I have been posting under a different name too BUT the OP needs a wake up call. If her actions don't shock her, I hope MN managed to do it.

I'm sure she know now she crossed the line after the pages and pages of out rage.

She posted here and people has the right to reply as many times as they want.

If the talk guidelines are broken, the post will be removed.

If you feel so strong about it, report posters or the whole thread.

Many people out there might be reading it right now and hopefully seeking help for themselves or having their eyes open for the issue of how serious abuse is even if is only an "one off" or emotional abuse or neglect.

Some people seem not to realise that child abuse is much more than hitting and leaving a bruise.

HTH

What could SS do to help? How would this incident be investigated? Presumably by talking to the OP in her home and observing her interaction with her DD? Once?

Supposing the SW felt OP might be depressed - just for an example - she can't force OP to seek help.

Or a vindictive neighbour heard/noticed and took to reporting OP for shouting at her DD or for having a very late bedtime, or whatever. The OP could end up with a massive SW file.

Or OP's DD was frightened by a 'lady' coming into her home to talk to her.

Etc Etc

Meanwhile, SS gets more and more stretched. Less and less time to deal with families in greater need....

she wouldn't send her child to bed hungry Presumably, the child was not hungry as she refused to eat her dinner.

Some people seem not to realise that child abuse is much more than hitting and leaving a bruise. I agree with this statement. However, abuse is generally more than one incident. I wonder how perfect the stonethrowers in Niceland are with their own children. In my mind all sorts of things are abuse but others wouldn't class them as being so. (e.g. putting unrealistic expectations on a child, constant criticism, lack of emotional understanding, lack of love and attention, turning a blind eye to problems the child has and so on - all subjective matters with no units of measurement) There is a lot of subjectiveness involved so I think people should take a long hard look at themselves and wonder if perhaps they are in a glass house. Abuse is an overall picture, not one incident.

Have been sitting on hands here..but some of these posts are really shocking.

It's FAR more likely that people minimising the OPs behaviour are doing so as they feel ashamed of things they have done too migsy.

Its the only reason I can think of for quite vitriolic lashing out posts such as yours.

Attack is best form of defence for some.

And no I do not question my parenting. .have had endless social.work assessments.. due to being a carer needing respite and was officially said to be an excellent loving parent.

The people concerned about OPs behaviour are generally those who have been on receiving end of such treatment, not dishing it out.