I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

The food was barely warm.

Abuse is obviously wrong - it comes in many different forms.

Many parents are never ever abusive but fall short in other areas - putting undue pressure on their children/dysfunctional family dynamic/let their children have a very poor diet/don't make time for their children/etc/etc; that's human beings for you. We can't give formal support to every parent for every failing.

I frequently say sorry to my teenage DC, DH, friends etc. But I have also said to DC on occasion that no parent is perfect, if my DC become they parents they won't be perfect either. The mature response is not to label everyone for everything thereby encouraging more guilt or feelings of failure and a culture of secrecy.

I like Fanjo.
Miaow, pot and kettle dear, as you've just named singled out another poster for criticism.
I'm off now, because there's no talking to stupid.
Like Dr Phil says, you get it or you don't. And the last few posters clearly don't.

It was a daft thing to do. There's no point in stressing over what she eats and whatshe doesn't. Make her a healthy meal and if she doesn't eat it no sweets or treats till the next meal time and so on.

What if the child sustained serious burns as a result of OPs abusive behaviour? What if the child's face suffered scarring as a result? So that every time the child looked in the mirror they'd see what the mother did over and over again? Saying sorry doesn't cut it.

What if.....what if.......?
at the complete exaggeration here of what actually happened.

It's like comparing someone who smacks their child on the bottom, with someone who sets about them and gives them a violent beating.

No. Of course it's not good to reach the point of either smacking your child, or tipping cold food on them. But neither action will have the catastrophic results projected by some on this thread.

Fun. I dont think that anyone has disputed that it is abuse.
I think that just about everyone agreed that she broke boundaries. That was all decided back on about Weds of last week.
[there may be a tiny tiny few who dispute that? - perhaps 3? out of about 100]

rabbit risen - I like your quote - mine would be - let he whips without sin cast the first stone - I am not and therefore I will not cast stones

Another good one.

We all do things as parents that we know we shouldn't have done. The point here is that OP knows that she shouldn't have done it and is remorseful. Nobody said that the food was scalding hot or that the child was harmed. Personally, I think that you need to learn from the experience and just move on with a solution about how to better deal with the problem next time it arises. Don't beat yourself up about it.

The food was cold and the child wasn't harmed physically...

How about emotionally?

Maybe the food tipping was one off BUT to get to this point, God knows what has been going on. Even the OP's husband wasn't THAT MUCH surprised.

ABUSE ISN'T PHYSICAL ONLY.

Ffs if she didn't care she wouldn't have posted

Yep. She cared about the FOOD WASTE and how to tame a REBEL 3 year old.

If she cared enough, she would have apologised BEFORE bed time and BEFORE posting on MN, and would have give the child a banana before bed.

DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him

This is not remorse. This is someone who is happy that she had an ally at the kitchen table.

Maybe even the OP's husband is being abused and scared of her.

I DON'T FUCK CARE ABOUT THE OP'S FEELINGS.

I CARE ABOUT THE INNOCENT, VULNERABLE CHILDREN.

Falconi ----- I have no words

Falconi - If a child discloses that incident to me I won't think twice in logging it and asking advice from child protection authorities
I hope there aren't many people like you out there, that finds a small incident like that something to log. I foster children, I know what the children in care have really gone through. You'd be laughed at for reporting something so minor and wasting everyones' time, and trying to ruin a family unit that you know absolutely nothing about.

Rabbit - Im with you all the way!

I am afraid many people would be worried, not only me.

I am not saying that the OP is a abuser but she does need some help YES. Her action described in the OP is abuse, be it one off or not.
She doesn't know what is acceptable and what is not.

And I said I would ask advice not ruin a family unit

If her actions are so justified and normal, why would this be ruined anyway?

You can't just be sorry after an act of abuse, whether there are mitigating factors or not. I was horrified, immediately horrified, and sought out all sorts of help to ensure I controlled myself in future. I didn't want people to try to understand it or excuse it in any way. It was wrong, very wrong, and my entire life since has been about ensuring I never ever went there again. I tried to communicate this with the OP, but I think the massive reaction to say this wasn't an act of abuse may normalise the behaviour, and the OP doesn't need that right now. She needs support to understand her reaction and to learn how not to go there again. Not arguments about what abuse is or what mitigating factors could have caused it.

My mum and dad abused me. I understand their mitigating factors myself as an adult, but that doesn't change the fact that they did nothing about it until I was an adult, when it was too late to undo the damage they did to me as a child.

FanFuckingTastic - sorry to hear you were abused by your parents. Would it be ok to ask what type of abuse you endured? If you prefer not so say, thats ok.

Sexual, emotional and physical. My mother tried very hard to be good, but she was a victim too and as the eldest child she sought for support from me for the things my dad did to her. I could forgive her, but not him. However sometimes I think I feel more affected by stuff she said to me, than the stuff that actually happened. It's complicated, but I inherited my mothers anxiety and inability to cope with difficult situations.

Love. We have more in common than you realise. Ironically, I fostered too! That is part how I know as well. Plus I did volunteer work for several years with children in the care system.

Agreed.

You'd be laughed at for reporting something so minor and wasting everyones' time, and trying to ruin a family unit that you know absolutely nothing about.

Eh? Lets make this clear, as a social worker on the duty desk, no, there would be no laughing here for wasting peoples time. Because its not a waste of time for so many reasons, that you should really understand as a foster carer, but clearly don't
I don't actually believe you are a foster carer. If you are, then there is a serious problem.

And can I just say, reporting one incident to SS would not result in tearing a family apart, it would result in support being offered. I asked for help, and I got it, social services have made my life a different, happier one. The school helped too, when my daughter was of an age. I was honest and told them it was something I never wanted repeating, that I didn't know how to cope because of my childhood, and that I wanted to learn how to cope so that I could be the best parent I could be.

They understood that. I did parenting courses, I was seen by mental health services, I learned to cope so I didn't reach that line. My daughter uses food and toileting as a method of control, and I have learned to accept that I have to back off, not be annoyed, and not give her that control.

It's not only better for them, it's immensely relieving for me, not to feel close to the line all the time. The incident happened with my son while my daughter was still quite young, but I am glad I went through that awful time earlier before I had a much more challenging child to deal with, because now I can treat them both with respect and love.

I only want the OP to understand I've been there, and what I did to get back from it. That's not being mean, it's not excusing the behaviour either, because that's where trouble comes from, but accepting the incident and seeking help to not return to that place, that's why I posted, and it's hard hearing the word "abuse" and it being used to describe something you did to the child you love, but it's said with the best intentions, of allowing the OP to see that one act is not abusive in itself, but that if she doesn't recognise it as what it was, it's easier to come to that line again and cross it.

That's why I am sharing my act of abuse, and my journey to set it right and never become abusive. It would have been so easy to forget about what I did, not term it in such a difficult way, but I fully believe I would have returned there had I not sought help and learned to understand my past and the cycle of abuse that can happen.

I'm leaving the thread now too, because I promised I wouldn't post again, and now I have twice. It's a difficult read and I'm in a difficult place right now. I hope I haven't upset or offended anyone, and I hope the OP is okay after the debate this thread has started.

Thank you for that very clear assurance BriantheMole.
What you said needed saying.

It is a very important word , sorry.

No it isn't. It is overused & incorrectly used. And hardly ever meant.

You seem to think sorry fixes everything. My mum said sorry to me a lot. It meant nothing & fixed nothing.

It isn't a magic word.

DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him This is not remorse. This is someone who is happy that she had an ally at the kitchen table.

What is if this was not a child but another vulnerable person, an older person with dementia or someone with ld and their carer for instance? If the carer came on saying they did this 'calmly' and dh backed them up because the person was being rebellious etc., how would folk feel then? This scenario would give authorities some cause for concern and involvement anyway. Is it different?

I found the tone of the op quite flippant, as if telling an amusing anecdote.

I think this needed to be pointed out to op because op can never resolve this issue without understanding the impact of her own behaviour and how that needs to change.

If she was subsequently remorseful then good, and I hope she has now tried to rectify things with dd and sought some support in rl. Bunfight aside, this thread raises interesting points.

Not as if telling an amusing anecdote, that is unfair of me. But no real sense of taking responsibility for her own poor behaviour in the original op.