I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

Being able to count to ten and walk away and make a sandwich means you're not at the end of your tether, in my book.

This is a situation that has been building up for quite a long time. The DD has been refusing to eat meals, and the OP has associated this and other behaviour with the arrival of the baby and consequent lack of attention to the older DD. All of this she has stated in her OP.

She has had plenty of time to mull it all over. She has had plenty of time to come up with a more creative and mature solution to the problem than tipping dinner over the child's head on a Monday night.

And people wonder why Netmums and not MN got the honours for the founders...

Quite. It wasnt any surprise to me either.

Well why are you two posters here then?

Is the obvious question.

Probably because its a good site where people are supportive to others many times..including the people you have been whinging about on this thread.

So its just ridiculous hyperbole.

You have not been supportive to the op.
She was remorseful, and still not supported.
Which means you are not supportive to a huge number of people on here and in rl.

We can't support actions we feel are abusive.

We are not continuing thread to bash OP but to defned ourselves from the relentless sniping and bullying coming our way tbh.

From posters claiming to be wonderfully supportive

It's not us who are on our high horses methinks.

Well, it's polished halos all round for most of the posters on this thread. It's great to hear so many examples of perfect parenting and complete self-control in one place.

I'm sure the OP scarpered pages and pages ago but just in case someone is still reading in the vain hope there might be some actual support and advice....

OP, I think admitting that you've done this is recognition that you got it wrong and you don't want to do it again. Good.

My DD1 was an incredibly challenging toddler, 2.5-3.5 were the worst but really 2-4 were just really, really hard. Not so much food but everything else, to the point I stopped taking her out as i couldn't face the tantrums involved in leaving any venue we attended. I didn't enjoy being a parent at all. I also have DD2 who is 2.5 years younger. She has been much slower to talk/ develop her language and I'm sure it's the sheer amount of time I spend/t pacifying and dealing with DD1. What I'm saying is I've been there, lots of times.

What worked best for me was walking away and occupying myself - so tidying, washing up whatever away from the flashpoint. I would have to consciously disengage from the situation to stop me from seeing red. And I did see red. I poured a cup of orange juice over her head once, not my finest hour. I just didn't do it again! She's fine, I haven't had to tell her teachers that she's going to be pouring juice on everyone, nor does she appear to be scarred for life. It was wrong, I corrected myself, we move on.

Posts like that which totally misrepresent what we are saying is why people keep answering, to refute them.

I think that "it is not me it's you" sums it up for some.
I dont think that you are ready to see it yet.

I give up..hopefully intelligent decent posters will see all the digs about haloes as the snipy bitching and really shallow interpretation of our posts that they are.

Rabbit..go and patronise someone else.

Good behaviour is to be supported.

If a person is sorry, after bad behaviour, then that person is to be supported too.
Partly, because they regret it and have said sorry.
And partly because of rehabilitation.
To take a more extreme example, how can prisoners become better behaved outside of jail, if they are not helped to do so?

Herethereandeverywhere you have summed up what I have been trying to say brilliantly - my mum poorer milk over me (see my original post) I don't remember it alt all. ow ever it stopped me throwing my dinner on the floor which apparently I had got I to the habbit of - I have the BEST relationship with me mum - was she an abuser - NO WAY - !!!! did I need to go to SS - no. Did she visit her GP or HV to talk about her 'anger' issues - NO !!

Well 70 others in this thread whom have being humiliated with food on their head, tell a different story.
It was ok for you, lucky you.
It doesn't mean it will be ok for OP's child.

The OP just expressed any kind of sorrow after people expressed their disgust with her actions. Before that was all about wasting food and winning a battle with a 3 year old.

Also the husband actions are worrying.

I'm not perfect and I have little patience, luckily my husband step in and defend my daughter as soon as I become snappy.

Of course I don't know what goes on in that household but the OP coldness and lack of awareness is staggering and to me it suggests, there are more incidents and the family need help.

If a child discloses that incident to me I won't think twice in logging it and asking advice from child protection authorities.

Good behaviour is to be supported.

What the op did was not good. She didn't post all remorseful at all. So not, I don't believe she was sorry when she posted.

You don't get to absolve yourself of everything bad you do just because you say sorry.

With respect - I think you different (and others) are projecting the lack of remorse.

Sometimes automatically escalating everything to medical and social services intervention is not the best solution.

I prefer to try to understand rather than pour scorn.

I give UP

Like I said earlier, there's no talking to STUPID.
If you all honestly think that everyone who has condemned the OPs behaviour on this thread are saying they are all perfect parents with shiny haloes RTFT. We're NOT. We're saying that throwing food over a young child that is supposed to be able to trust her MOTHER to LOVE and CARE for her is BREAKING the boundaries of what is ACCEPTABLE PARENTING BEHAVIOUR. It is ABUSE. What else can it be???
Now for fucks sake lets all hope the OP seeks third party help whether it be GP, HV, etc BEFORE OPs behaviour gets worse and the CHILD is HARMED.

If a person is sorry, after bad behaviour, then that person is to be supported too.
Partly, because they regret it and have said sorry.
And partly because of rehabilitation.

That is the bit I am putting the op into, different.

And she was remorseful. So glad that this thread is all written down, so that the evidence is there to be read.

1.If posters are choosing not to read or agree with what a poster has written, then we are talking two scenarios.

2.If posters dont for example see the difference between cases that are not ss, and ones that are, again, we are talking two scenarios.

3.If posters dont agree in rehabilitation, again we are talking two scenarios.

4.If posters dont agree that if a person is genuinely sorry, that they should be helped, again we are talking two scenarios.

5.If posters dont even think that such things should be posted about on mumsnet, again we are talking two different scenarios.

Sometimes sorry isn't enough.

Ah. I thought that it might boil down to that for some.

But sorry should be. It is a very important word , sorry.
Forgiveness and all that

[bible says that if we wont forgive others, God is not going to forgive us. [not that I think that that is going to bother too many]. Very much bothers me]]

What if the child sustained serious burns as a result of OPs abusive behaviour?
What if the child's face suffered scarring as a result?
So that every time the child looked in the mirror they'd see what the mother did over and over again?
Saying sorry doesn't cut it.

Sorry is very much good enough if it is genuine because there is no way to take back what's been done but being sorry is a good place to start afresh from. cannot see why certain people are so determined to think the very worst of somebody who has made a serious mistake (that has not resulted in anything like the rather scary scenario just described) and has admitted they are wrong. Ffs if she didn't care she wouldn't have posted. I don't know why this has got to me but it has. I really can't understand the nastiness I have read on here. It's horrible, and what good have any of you done the child you claim to care so much about by telling her mother she's an abuser again and again? what will that achieve?