I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

And now the poor child will be dragged to the hv to have a talk about her behaviour. I hope op doesnt have our hv, she thinks if the 3 year old doesnt eat his dinner I should just put him to bed hungry.

math - FGS it was not 'chilling'. It was a plate of luke warm food - the sort of thing kids tip all over themselves on a regular basis. Stop making it into something entirely different. The OP lost her temper, did something a bit daft - stop making mountains out of molehills.

Reading the last page of this thread. Some of these posts are just beyond stupid.
Just because a child may chuck food over another child does not make it okay for an adult to do the same.
And blaming the victims attitude and behaviour for abuse??
Seriously some of you are sick.

She didn't lose her temper. She sat for an hour watching the child refuse to eat, and then did what she did 'calmly' (her own word).

That is what makes it chilling.

Havanna - where does it say that the OP intends on taking her DD to see the HV? No need for the dramatic 'dragging' either. More drama over something made up.

Math - I have read and re-read the OP's post(s). Yes, she tipped it calmly, she didn't throw it from the other side of the room - so what? If she had you'd be saying that was terrible... she said She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether. End.Of.Her.Tether.

Fun - no, not sick, just not ready to demonise a stressed out Mum for doing something thoughtless, but not harmful. I happen to think a thread that would help her cope with her DD's 'non eating' would have been far more useful than a mass pile in of hysterical women baying for her blood - and thankfully I'm not the only one.

I don't see the 'calmly' as particularly chilling, actually. If the op had acted in an uncontrollable rage, she might have hurled the food or smashed the plate, or hit her dd.

I think she probably felt herself getting extremely worked up over the course of the meal, wanted to teach her dd a lesson, and opted for something which would shock, but not hurt.

It seems premeditated, rather than in the heat of the moment, but I see that as a good thing. The premeditation probably meant running through a series of (worse?) options in her mind, and carrying out the one she thought would have the most immediate effect, and the least lasting damage.

The fact that it was done calmly is bad for all the reasons you think are good reasons.

An extreme gesture that is premeditated, when the other options include counting to ten and disengaging, taking the plate to the sink, preparing a simple sandwich, and writing off the dinner is chilling because the reasonable options were all dismissed in favour of total engagement in a battle of wills with a child of 3. This is not the behaviour of a reasonable adult.

The fact that she did not kill her DD, or belt her with the broom handle, examples of alternatives which would be the worst options available, does not make what she did in any way acceptable.

(DrinkMoreWater here, namechange on a silly thread.)

No 'calmly' isn't chilling. It's an 'end of tether' reaction without losing control. That is all. Like someone posted (much) earlier in the thread, she threw a towel at her DD's feet in frustration - but had she been holding the shampoo bottle instead she wouldn't have - it's the same here, the OP didn't 'throw' it, it wasn't 'hot' - she did it in frustration at a long running situation. Yeah, it's not ideal, but it's also not the mountain some people are choosing to make of this molehill.

I'm really torn about some of these responses. It's taken me a while to think of my own response.

My dad did this to me when I was a similar age to the OP's daughter. I remember it like it was yesterday. I picked a dessert in a restaurant, and I didn't like it. He pushed my face into the bowl of food. To say that I was humiliated doesn't come close. If there was ever an apology, I don't remember it, and I very much doubt my dad would have apologised anyway - it wasn't (and still isn't) my parents' style. Similar to a previous poster, this little story just became a family joke. Looking back at it now, I can't decide what is worse - that he lashed out like that, or that my family so successfully 'minimised' what happened.

I wouldn't describe my dad as abusive - far from it - but my siblings and I knew that he had a temper and there would be consequences if we pushed him too far. We were afraid of his temper. Don't let this be you, OP. Please get help, in whatever form you can - GP, HV or friends.

As for your daughter, you need to talk it through with her whenever she brings it up - don't minimise it and don't let it become a joke. Of course, there's every probability that she will forget about it - what matters now is how you behave in future, discussing what happened and how you react to future battles.

Good luck. And, for what it's worth, I think that you are very brave posting on here.

This was "premeditated" so it suggests OP is not that culpable....
REALLY??
MURDER is PREMEDITATED does that mean killing people is fine??
Some of these posts are incredibly stupid. Please look at what you are writing before you press post.

Butternutty :( I think there's a big difference between tipping it over someone's head and pushing someone's face into it. I also think the circumstances were very different. The OP's 3 yo is doing this night after night, being cheeky & shouting over her (not unusual 3yo behaviour, but fecking frustrating night after night!!) you simply ordered something you decided you didn't like... not the same level of provocation at all. Not that I could justify what your Dad did, even if you were behaving like the Op's DD. As I said, to me, there's a huge difference between tipping it over someone and shoving their face into it.

I think the OP was brave, but sadly I think she left quite early on in the thread, hopefully she got something out of it.

So we have a woman who is in control because she 'calmly' tipped a plate of dinner over someone?

When I say chilling I mean that the OP clearly feels she did not lose control (and hence the use of the word 'calmly'). But what she did was profoundly irrational and unreasonable and in fact violent. So loss of control doesn't come into it. We are well out of that neighbourhood. We are in a world where one person's will can be imposed on another, and where one person's feelings are more important than any other factor in the situation including the emotional wellbeing of a small child.

She had a whole hour to consider her options, and apparently many weeks of experiencing this problem and thus many weeks where she could have asked preschool teachers, fellow parents, or her HV (or even MN) whether she should be worried and how to deal with this creatively and effectively.

Instead of choosing the rational and reasonable course right there on the spot (getting up, taking plate to sink, serving a sandwich) she chose to try to communicate the importance of food to a 3 yo by tipping dinner over her. The method chosen to communicate the importance of food doesn't make any sense. If it's important then why waste it? What is it important for?

What she really wanted to communicate was her anger and frustration. Behind that when small children frustrate us is always fear of loss of control, a sense of being helpless.

I agree that the circumstances were different Pumpkin, but the result is pretty much the same - a humiliated child.

I see many similarities between what Butternutty's father did and what the OP did. In both cases food ended up on a small child, put there deliberately by a person who owed them a sense of safety and security and freedom from fear. It was in both cases used as a weapon, a means of humiliating and an instrument of communication just as a school bully would use it to humiliate and communicate who was on top and who was the underdog. In both cases, the adults apparently put the importance to them of food/expense/effort before the importance of treating the small child as she deserved and needed to be treated. In both cases they let their anger (and fear of loss of control, and anger at feeling helpless and defeated by a small child) get the better of them.

It might not be acceptable to you, math, and in an ideal world not to anyone, but maybe you've been lucky enough never to have reached the end of your tether.

Being able to count to ten and walk away and make a sandwich means you're not at the end of your tether, in my book.

As an end of tether action, as I've said before, it's fairly restrained, imo. I've never tipped a meal over any of my dc, but I have, to my shame, shouted, and banged my fist on the table. Maybe the op thought that would be more damaging, and I'm in no position to argue.

Drink she should be going to the gp to talk about her own behaviour not , not goong to the hv to talk about her daughters regardless of if she takes the dd with her or not.

Just because you have reached the end of your tether doesnt mean you are unable to walk away. The op calmly tipped dinner over her dds head because she wanted to shock her. She could just have easily walked away.

MrsRuff - I bet all the sanctimonious parents on this thread have done things which are equally (or more) damaging to a child but because it's 'their way' it's just fine I bet there's not one who hasn't done something I would find unacceptable.

Havanna - she doesn't need a bloody GP. She needs some help to deal with it without getting wound up - hence asking for help on what is supposed to be a parenting site - for parents, by parents (GP would be fuck all use), she could have got that here, but people chose to put the boot in, instead. Brilliant - gold stars all around The only thing we agree on is that asking the HV is likely to be a waste of time.

Math - you have your pov I have mine, about time to agree to disagree.

I agree with you pumpkin. I had no idea the moral high ground could accommodate so many people.

I wonder why it is that the people who find the OPs actions shocking are just expressing shock and concern for the wee girl whereas the other faction, who sympathise with the OP are all being really bitchy and sneery, usually gsnging up together to bitch.

Is it because you feel you are similar to OP so feel personally attacked?

Is it because you feel you are similar to OP so feel personally attacked?

bitchy and sneery - Erm...... Pot. Kettle. Black?

Nope. Just making an observation.

Was genuine.

Knew how you'd come back at me though.

Am just wondering. .genuinely..why you can't just disagree but have to personally criticise those shocked at Op and gang up to do it.

ah - Fanjo - there are 'bitchy' comments coming from booths sides - As I have said MANY times before to you - I have been PERSONALLY attacked on this thread for disagreeing with the masses - my husband called a c¥¥¥ . Amongst other things - open your eyes and see things from both sides !!!

Imagree with recent posts - I have yet to meet a parent who feels that they have got everything 'right' in their parenting and also a child who can't describe at least one incident or thing that their parents did to them !!! - Webare all human (at least ,last of us are). We learn through our mistakes - The worst parents IMO are those who NEVER question what they do - FortunatelynthemOPmis not like that !!!!

Oh and I was ganged up on - FANJO you are not seeing the whole picture - Please go back and retread the comments aimed at me !!!!!!!

Noone has said they are perfect or not human.

They have merely said the way the OP wrote seemed more sinister than someone having one off bad day.

Yet there are relentless sneers about perfect parents.