I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

odyssey oh please so I'm not a parent so I can't have an opinion!

Guess that makes jo frosts opinions null and void eh?!

Where do ou get the idea it is not a one off from?

And if it was a one off?

My dd was an eloquent 3 yo (and 1 yo). I lost it in ways I'm not proud of, partly as I expected far too much from her because she sounded so mature, partly because having a 3 yo was new to me - but mostly because I was lonely and depressed, living in the middle of nowhere with a 'spirited' 3 yo and a 1 yo.
I always apologised for shouting etc and felt like the worst mother in history- but I just needed help and support, and company. And probably anti ds too.
The important thing is you know you were wrong. I really feel for you op, we've all done stuff we know was wrong- it's how you move forward that counts.

I keep thinking about this thread since i started reading it on Tuesday, i didn't want to reply because ive never been pushed to my limits by my children (yet) but i keep thinking about how i would react in this situation, the daily battles to get a child to eat, being so frustrated etc but nope, still cant get my head around pouring food over a Childs head. In fact id say its an extremely odd reaction, who would even think to do that?? And the fact the OP done it 'calmly' is quite scary.

If OP had come on here saying she had lost it, grabbed the plate and chucked it across the room in a rage then id understand. But i just cant understand somebody pouring a plate of food over a child, i cant imagine ever feeling the need to do that.

I wonder if some of the replies here would be different if it was the OP saying that daddy tipped the food over the daughter's head...
"oh bless him, he just stressed"...

I wonder if some of the replies here would be different if it was the OP saying that daddy tipped the food over the daughter's head...
"oh bless him, he just stressed"...

Rabbitrisen, I noted the use of the word 'rebelling' in the OP. That word is one I am familiar with from cultures where the motto is 'spare the rod and spoil the child'. It is one not a word generally used in wider western society except in the context of teenage rebellion. For a small child, the concept of rebellion could only come into play if parents were heavily invested in the home environment and atmosphere and rules they had created.

That detail made me wonder (and ask) about how tantrums, ignoring and other normal 3 yo behaviours are dealt with, how the child is doing in nursery and what staff there report of her behaviour. I also wondered and asked whether there was 'strictness' in the home and an expectation of compliance, partly based on the word 'rebelling' and partly based on an apparent lack of understanding of socio-emotional norms for young children.

The word made me wonder about the home environment tbh, how things go on a daily basis, whether there are expectations of the 3 yo that are askew.

It could have been a one off, but again I noted a tone of frustration about behaviour on the part of the child that seemed normal to me (tantrums, ignoring of adults, attention seeking with the new baby around) -- all of which can be frustrating to a parent but which seemed to be part of a list of grudges, and an apparent puzzlement about the disconnect between the child's verbal development and her social-emotional development and normal behaviour.

There is no visible 'this too shall pass' and no account of an effort to count to ten. There is a bull at a gate approach and what looks to me like hurt feelings about the child turning up her nose at home produced food, her lack of appreciation of effort on the part of the parents who grew it and cooked it -- this makes me think there is a lack of perspective here, a lack of insight into what 3 yos look like when they are doing what 3 yos do best (which is to say, taking one step forward and sometimes two steps back).

math - you hit the nail on the head. I agree with everything you say.

How can a 3 year old rebel properly (and know they are doing it?) - you can barely reason or reason up to a certain extent with a child that age but like you say the child has no concept of the home produced food, she may have been told by her mother that the meat came from the cow outside, etc the veggies but the appreciation isn't there at that age!

Knowing what I know of 3 year olds and 2 year olds the child will just have been being a toddler - not hungry, having a tantrum and "pushing boundaries" which is all part and parcel of that age group. The mother certainly should know this and have strategies like my neighbour has with her 2.5 year old DD. Having said that not every parent has a perfect day every day… My neighbour says that though she tries to get her DD to eat at night IF she's had a big lunch or really doesn't want to eat much at dinner, she now doesn't push it. her DD has 3 meals a day but is also being prepared for pre-school/nursery in September.

I am actually quite worried that the mother here obviously sees her eldest DD's behaviour towards her younger sibling as being "attention seeking" but I can just see the attitude the mother has towards that - e.g. it's attention seeking - not the DD has had to deal with the arrival of a new sibling who is, like she was (and probably the mother enforces this) "perfectly well behaved" especially at dinner time.

The DD's behaviour at dinner time is probably rebellion and temper tantrums with frustration at her sibling's behaviour AND the attention her sibling is getting AND also probably being told by her mother or having had comments made re her behaviour to get attention from strangers when the sibling is around.

I am just staggered at the mother's awareness and behaviour of her DD especially with the arrival of a sibling!

No wonder the poor child's head is in a spin!

But all that post math doesnt mean that the incident wasnt a one off.

For which she is going to get help from what I remember.

Based on what the OP said, I think there is a high level of frustration, a need and willingness to impose her will on another, and a lack of informed perspective here, to pare it down to its most fundamental aspects. That combination rarely expresses itself in one-offs.

The lack of informed perspective is seen in the OP's statement that she wanted to show the DD how important food is -- as SuperFlyHigh says, there is no way a 3 yo can really grasp that no matter how verbal she is. That statement also reveals an investment in and engagement with the food itself, which is another aspect of this that reveals the lack of perspective or ability to see things from the pov of the child.

As I said, I don't know for sure -- but I have a hunch.

You can 'think' what you like but as you said you don't know for sure - therefore just deal with the one incident as posted - rather than jump to rather unpleasant conclusions --- I am yet to meet a child who says my parents got everything right or a parent who would say this. I think even the parents who think they are doing everything right might find their children disagree in years to come - we are all just trying to do our best - the OP needed support - she knew what she had done wasn't great hence her post ----

70 didn't you see her post where she said she had visions of punching or something I think her DD?!

Maybe I'm overreacting but I'd be very worried MYSELF if I had those thoughts! and not as a parent! seriously!

It's one thing to have incidents week in week out that test you, you get annoyed etc - it's quite another in my experience to feel so coldly about the whole situation have no empathy with your child (see re sibling) and then have this nasty thought (which presumably isn't a one off) about her….

I just get the feeling that this is NOT a one off and the mother here dislikes her DC.

pointless carrying this on though, like I said before, hope she gets help.

The other thing here is (see the perfect behaviour, eloquency of her child etc) it seems that the mother may have perfection issues for her DD to live up to, and may well be unrealistic.

This is where (got friend who's a health visitor) the health visitor could come in maybe or a family centre or something (not up on what's available!). I think OP could improve, understand etc but she just seems to be getting more wound up and upset AND guilty about it all.

No didn't see post - :(. That is worrying though -----xxx. All bait sad - poor child, poor mum :(

I agree with the perfection issue - maybe going hand in hand with the (gorgeous) dinner plus gravy served on a Monday night by a woman who has a 3 yo and a 9 month old and a DH who works all sorts of long hours? Certainly, puzzlement as to how the early talking, adventurous eater could have turned into a food refuser who uses her verbal prowess to shout rude comments maybe linked to a feeling of -- I don't know, maybe being proud to have a really great child? It would make it all the harder to deal with when the child shows normal frustrating behaviour. Proud isn't really the word. But if perfection is an element here, then maybe the OP is invested in having a perfect child (or child who seems to be doing great) and feels panicked or threatened when that seems not to be the case.

If there is perfectionism or an attempt to live up to an ideal here, then I hope that will not get in the way of seeking help and support.

The preschool might be a source of good advice as to what is normal and how to deal effectively and sympathetically with 3 yo behaviour, as I am sure they deal with all sorts, and all sorts of parents too.

70 you didn't read it because the OP didn't say it - nothing of the sort. All her posts are still there (conveniently highlighted if you choose that option) for all to see... another poster said she felt that way sometimes (it's some kind of weird thing she has that she'd never act on) but not the OP.

SuperFlyingHigh if you had RTFT properly, you wouldn't be spreading false information and you would know the OP intends to speak to her HV (and others).

But hey ho - another occasion where something is blown way out of proportion, a mass pile in,total & complete drama created and the OP not helped :(

OK thanks Bathroom :) ---- Poor OP -

BathroomDrama

taken from:-

differentnameforthis Wed 30-Apr-14 03:42:46

I sometimes have mini-daydreams where I punch her really hard in the face.

I don't know where different got this from but it's here assume maybe deleted.

and with that I'm out of here. If I ever thought that about doing that to someone let alone a child of mine I would be very very concerned for myself.

Bathroom - Yes I hope the OP DOES speak to her HV about this.

Because she sounds a piece of work otherwise to do this to her child.

superflyhigh - you copied it from a post, which was copied from another post made by a completely different poster and you think it's OK to say that the OP said that? Really? FGS. If people stopped to read what the OP actually wrote this wouldn't have turned into half the drama it has.

Read the OP's posts, she's not a 'piece of work' she did something that she regrets, that frankly was not even a big deal in the first place - other than in the minds of some MNers.

You could always apologise for accusing the OP of saying that, when she said nothing of the sort... you do realise that all she did was tip some barely warm food onto her DD in a very frustrated moment. It's not child abuse - it's something 3 year olds do to themselves and each other regularly.

I doubt you would see it as no big deal if someone tipped food all over your head

I haven't read the whole thread here - OPs opening post was enough tbh.

Dreadful.

Utterly dreadful.

I just can't help but wonder what action against this three year old will be next .

BathroomDrama, I suggest you reread the OP's posts. The incident was chilling and had been brewing for a long time.

I sometimes have mini-daydreams where I punch her really hard in the face.

This was originally posted by elfycat on 29 Apr at 20:15:26 apropos what she calls her imp of the perverse in post of 29 Apr 20:24:54.

Definitely a case of 'Chinese Whispers'. This was not anything the op said.