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Original poster

I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

955 replies

Orchardbeck · 29/04/2014 19:53

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

OP posts:
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Cadastre · 01/05/2014 14:02

My 45 year old sister still remembers how humiliated she was after my narcissistic mother dumped rhubarb and custard over her head as a 4 year old because she didn't like it. She STILL remembers.

recall · 01/05/2014 14:03

Orchardbeck so so wrong to have done that Sad

I think you have unrealistic expectations of your child.

FunLovinBunster · 01/05/2014 14:05

Best of luck 70s. I think you'll need it.

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70hoursaweekandcounting · 01/05/2014 14:07

With what Fun ????

PinkSquash · 01/05/2014 14:08

A child does not deserve food over their head, that's fucked up logic.

BeckAndCall · 01/05/2014 14:14

In answer to the question have I crossed a line - yes - so much so you couldn't see it if you had binoculars......

MizK · 01/05/2014 14:36

Wow, just read this. I have a DD the same age and some days I have to leave the room when she has tantrums because I am so angry. No I would never tip food on her because it seems so mean, but if you just had a single moment of madness, this can be recovered from easily. your DH needs to be on the side of your DDs safety above all and he let her down by sticking up for you. It sounds like you were in a very tough place and snapped, not like you plan to do this again, so I think that people calling you a child abuser are being pretty nasty. Yes I feel very sorry for your DD having you do this, but you also obviously love her very much and feel terrible about it. I hope you find a way to handle things and wish you luck, your DD sounds like a perfectly normal three year old and as such, be assured that lots of us are dealing with the same tricky behaviour and it does pass. (and for what it's worth these early years are so bloody precious, your DCs will never be yours as much as they are now so be careful with them and make the most of them).

mathanxiety · 01/05/2014 14:38

Good god how on earth did children survive a 100 years ago

Not that that comment is in any way relevant to this discussion, but many children did not survive to age 5 a century ago partly due to disease but partly due to lax laws on abuse.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 01/05/2014 14:49

"Good god how on earth did children survive a 100 years ago "

Because many people didnt abuse their children. Or did you think not abusing children was some new invention? Hmm

mathanxiety · 01/05/2014 15:16

In answer to your questions, OP, the lines you have crossed are:

Thinking your 3 yo owes you behaviour of a certain kind -
eating farm raised meat and veg for instance (this detail is important to you or you wouldn't have mentioned it),
eating meals you have put thought into and gone to trouble about from some sense of appreciation for all the trouble, or gratitude. In other words, you are approaching mealtime from the pov of the food and your work, and not from the pov of what your child needs emotionally (or physically) from the business of feeding. To the contrary, you have made the feeding of your child about you and your emotional needs..

Expecting behaviour from a 3 yo that is beyond her capacity.
You are having trouble accepting the child's behaviour around the baby. I get the impression it irks you to see her hogging the attention of other people when they are around the baby.
Again, you have made the DD's response to the newcomer about you and your emotional needs.

And of course the physical thing you did was out of order in every respect. You say you did it calmly, which to me is one of the chilling aspects of all this. However, imo this is not something that could happen without other lines being crossed earlier, maybe over an extended period, maybe since DD2 was born, maybe over the last few weeks.. I think you crossed a line of general frustration and into mental justification of extreme and 'devil take the consequences' style of interaction with your DD before you did what you did on Tuesday.

..............
Use of the word 'rebelling' is a red flag for me.
Is there strictness in your home? Do you expect obedience, compliance or any kind of unquestioning following of directions from your children?
How do you respond to the tantrums and the ignoring? What do the nursery workers say about her behaviour there?

.........
While food is of course an important element in a child's life, attending to social and emotional needs in the early years is paramount. Children can and do thrive on Greggs sausage rolls and fruit shoots, chips and tinned peaches and the occasional serving of peas and mashed potatoes or bowl of spag bol. Organic dinner with gravy on a weeknight is a long way from how most children eat. This is not a criticism of the food you serve per se, but a criticism of putting this sort of detail first while not attending to the emotional needs of the DD.

There is a boundary issue here -- the DD is not you or an extension of you. She is not in your life to support you emotionally, see how busy you and DH are and accommodate you, but the other way round.

70hoursaweekandcounting · 01/05/2014 15:37

I think you have more of an issue the OP served than the OP herself math anxiety - do you have hidden guilt about the food you are serving your children ?

darksideofbuttonmoon · 01/05/2014 15:40

I remember my DM dumping my DSis' breakfast over her head when we were kids. She told us not to tell anyone, she knew she'd done wrong.
Looking back I think DM had severe PND and would often act out aggressively and with disproportionate anger. DM's a changed person now and we get on very well, but this is still a horrible memory from my childhood.

FeralGirlCambs · 01/05/2014 15:43

I think the OP KNOW it was not the right thing to do but I can't be the only person out there who allowed myself a little snigger at the custard-pie slapstick aspect? And one assumes that by the time she had been refusing to eat it for 7 hours, as per every second blooming toddler teatime in our house, it was not likely to scald her. Thing is, my daughter would have found it amusing which would be counterproductive. Orchardbeck hope you have a dog or some chickens who benefited?

mathanxiety · 01/05/2014 15:44

You are the gift that keeps on giving 70hours.

FeralGirlCambs · 01/05/2014 15:45

Oops, I missed the other 22 pages of the thread; didn't realise it had descended into a scrap. My custard pie sniggering is now even less appropriate. Will go and sit in the corner.

BertieBotts · 01/05/2014 15:46

Does anybody seriously think the OP is still reading this thread? I expect she jumped ship days ago.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/05/2014 15:47

Bertiebotts..I suspect she is still reading.

BertieBotts · 01/05/2014 16:11

I wouldn't be. I suspect she dropped out shortly after stopping posting. I hope she has - I mean, the discussion has hardly moved in 570 posts, it's going around in circles.

Not sure what people are expecting her to do anyway, go and drop her DD off at SS office first thing in the morning? It's all very well debating the rights and wrongs of parenting but it's happened.

PirateJones · 01/05/2014 16:16

Not sure what people are expecting her to do anyway, go and drop her DD off at SS office first thing in the morning? It's all very well debating the rights and wrongs of parenting but it's happened.

Go into her GP and mention she might need help with her anger?

BertieBotts · 01/05/2014 16:39

Well sure, but I'm pretty sure that was said on page 1 or 2.

PirateJones · 01/05/2014 16:41

The rest is just trying to get across just how abnormal something like this is, it's not something that should be forgotten about.

LoveThaiOrchids · 01/05/2014 18:03

OMG! The amount of nasty comments that I have read on here - 'that was disgusting behaviour', 'that was horrible horrible', 'I would never do such a thing', 'thats fucked up logic'. Really? Do you really think this poor OP came on here to be attacked? She obviously knows what she did, and how bad it was, if she didnt feel guilty she wouldn't be telling the WWW about the incident, maybe she just wanted to get it off her chest. She clearly wanted some support and advice, not to be reminded how awful her behaviour was. There is some very bad judgmental posters on here and you should be ashamed of yourselves! Next time you make a mistake at the heat of moment I hope someone reprimands you for it, and then you'll know how it feels. What goes round, comes round! And, no for the record I've never done and never will do such a thing to my DCs but we all have different temperaments I'm no one to judge and neither are you lot. Nobody has a right to make another human feel so awful about her/his self.

Jeeeze!

OP I hope you've stopped reading this horrid thread. If you haven't I hope you have resolved things, and have started afresh. We all make mistakes, and we learn from them. Im sure you're a great mother, with some hiccups here and there (like us all). Wish you all the best. Xxx

PirateJones · 01/05/2014 18:06

I'm no one to judge and neither are you lot

I disagree.

LoveThaiOrchids · 01/05/2014 18:09

PirateJones - very true.

It was very much required in this particular incident.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/05/2014 18:45

LoveThaiOrchids your priorities are somewhat skewed.

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