I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

But her head must be spinning. At least, as an adult she has a choice as to whether she decided to read this. Her daughter didn't have a choice as to whether she was covered in her food, did she?

I said that I agreed with your advice about the food issues in my post at 07:48:06 I did miss that, in my defence I was making dinner.

rabbitrisen I have recently done a child safe course & this is the exact type of thing that would needed to be flagged with the relevant agencies.

It is supposed to stay child focused. "what would happen to the child if this continues/happened again?"

Not "mum made an error of judgement, so let's not worry"

Whether those agencies take it further is THEIR choice, if they decide not to act on, so be it. But I would report this kind of incident if I saw/knew it happen/ed. I would rather have them dismiss it than have it on my head.

Do people not realise the sorts of things that goes on in every town? The extent and shockingness of it?

Do YOU not realise that it is little incidents like this, being played down, that can lead to bigger, more damaging & more shocking events?

Mumsnet is supposed to be to support parents, not heap blame on them when it is already apparent that they feel dreadful and have apologised to their own child. We have to assume posters are otherwise good parents as we are not social services and have no real life contact. That's be basis of the site, we're not assuming a history of abuse, this is pure hysteria. We'll have to agree to disagree, the op won't come back.

I'm not going to support someone who shows no remorse for her actions. I think outrage is an appropriate response considering she doesn't seem to consider what happened as that bad.

I know how you feel with a child who is so difficult with food and yes it was an over reaction but I understand how you were driven to it.

The lack of understanding from other parents creates additional pressure on those struggling. I am constantly embarassed by my daughter at mealtimes as she too used to eat everything and now is extremely fussy and people do look at me as if it's something I did wrong. We did baby led weaning and I feel extremely let down by it as I have a fussy eater whilst hubster and I eat everything! lol

'Friends' are so quick to offer 'advice' and point out what I'm doing 'wrong' but I have tried every approach going and none work. She is stubborn and will eat nothing rather than be bribed or coerced. She refuses to even try food often which does make me really cross.

I get annoyed at wasted time, effort and food with rejected meals but have gradually come to accept my daughter may go without a meal and I may have to simply throw food out.... Because of that I always give her a very small portion so it's not too daunting for her to eat and not too frustrating for me if it ends up in the bin.

I'm sure the food was not scolding as you wouldn't give a young child a plate of scolding food would you. On the assumption this is a one off and the rest of the time you have a loving relationship with your daughter I would be amazed if this has any long term effect on your child whatsoever.

You may have crossed a line but you'll find a way back. Try talking to her about your feelings, and hers and show her lots of love and praise when she behaves in a positive way - both with regard to food and other things in your lives.

Totally agree with those saying it was abuse - and as a pp said, it now done to OP to ensure it doesn't develop into an abusive relationship.

Those saying "poor OP, she gets it, she's looking for help" - read the OP and her subsequent posts. The focus is on fixing dd. Dd is not the one getting it wrong - she's doing what 3 year olds do. OP is the one getting things seriously, seriously wrong, and frankly, I'm still not convinced that she gets it. And the minimisers are doing something very dangerous, in my view.

Now she knows your limit and knows what happens if she pushes you to it. Hopefully you can both move forward from here. I dont see the child abuse bit myself I just see a frustrated mother who ran out of options so did what a child of 3 might do to make a point. Am sure she is not damaged and i bet its ones of those things you laugh about and will be a good story for her dad to tell at her wedding.

I don't think it was abuse. Not a fine moment but more funny than anything else.
I think nearly all of our parents and definitely all of our grandparents would have prison records if this is the new bar for abuse.

Sorry you're getting so much grief, OP.

Im astounded anyone can think this is funny.

if the op had said her hubby had cooked a meal for her which she didnt fancy so he tipped it over her head how many people would find it funny or dismiss it as a funny wee incident. Not one single person I bet. If it would be classed as abusive/unacceptable between adults yet not when a childs involved

To summarise - you have a baby, a 3YO, a husband who is a farmer working very long hours and very little help. You have a much stronger connection with food than most MN-etters as your DH is a farmer and you are understandably annoyed by your DD messing about at mealtimes.

You are probably exhausted and have a principled approach to food and nutrition which makes even more work for yourself. But it's important to you.

You have my complete sympathy for having an exhausting lifestyle, probably with little recognition for your hard work. In an ideal world you would deal with your DD's need for control/attention perfectly, with patience and understanding. But you're not in an ideal situation and it sounds like you're usually doing a good job of parenting. I bet you breastfeed too?

It's shameful that so many women are not given more support with their tiny children. In the past grannys, sisters, neighbours would have been around to help and there was much less pressure to parent perfectly.

A one-off incident of abuse is no worse than parents who regularly neglect their children's nutritional (or other) requirements. No parent is perfect. Please use the advice on this thread that you feel is helpful for you and your family, grab as much rest as you can, find ways to cut corners on things that aren't important and ignore any unhelpful remarks.

Your DD will be fine - she has a loving, thoughtful mum and hard-working father.

Chocoluvva - that is a lovely post, if I may say

I agree, too many women are left in situations they can't cope with day after day and then just judged and not supported or helped. People should help and support more rather than looking at the authorities to fix everything. My sister has 2 dc with special needs and she has a constant round of people telling her to parent better and not doing a single practical thing for her.

I agree, too many women are left in situations they can't cope with day after day and then just judged and not supported or helped. People should help and support more rather than looking at the authorities to fix everything. My sister has 2 dc with special needs and she has a constant round of people telling her to parent better and not doing a single practical thing for her.

Hi Orchard,

If you're still reading, I hope you can see your HV as soon as possible. Do ask for support with parenting classes, or access to mental health services. You're obviously under a lot of strain and you know that you owe it to your DD (and all your kids) to make sure this kind of lashing out doesn't happen again.

It's not surprising that your daughter is having control issues - you seem to get extremely angry at a situation that you can't control/guide/steer. I say this, because I have similar issues.

Sometimes my DD won't eat, and she always takes forever and tries to get me to feed her (sometimes I give in, because she's taking so long, we have to leave the house and I know she'll be cranky if she doesn't eat!). It drives me crackers. But when the absolutely furious, boiling anger comes upon me, I know that it's my issue, not hers. I've learnt to leave the room!

You need to reflect on your own need to be in charge, and also what it is that is making you hover over her, trying to get her to eat with threats and promises. Maybe it's just a bad habit you've fallen into, maybe it's how your parents were, but you really need to disconnect, stop taking your daughter's behaviour so personally and just tell her when the big hand gets to the bottom, dinner is over, then take it away.

And keep telling yourself - none of this is personal, she's just being three.

Now she knows your limit and knows what happens if she pushes you to it

Jesus christ.

I think the OP has got what she was looking for on this thread.

She must have know she would

a) be sent virtual hugs and told "we've all been there", "tomorrows another day", "don't beat yourself up about it" etc.
b) told that she had "crossed a line", "it was inexcusable", "you need to seek help", "you're not coping", "unforgiveable", "abusive"etc.
or
c) a combination of both the above.

She also received some good advice about how to deal with a picky eater and navigate the sometimes treacherous waters of mealtimes. Good, sound advice.

Of course this was going to get heated. Some of us were genuinely horrified, some of us thought it was nothing to kick up a fuss about.

If you post on Mumsnet you get a good spread of opinion. Isn't that why people post on here? If the OP thought she would get no negativity thrown her way then she was very naive.

I hate it when people think "MN at its worse" "another pile-in" or "hysteria" (the latter being very insulting to those with a genuine concern). I think the OP might have expected criticism and in a way wanted it - she certainly didn't get any from her partner and I think she knows that he could have/should have given her some.

OP - no-one gave you a hard time out of spite or a sense of superiority. I truly hope you have a great HV/GP who will see the strain you are under and help you. Your 3 year old is a 3 year old and will be a monumental pain in the arse at times especially when your attention is diverted to your gurgling, well-eating, gorgeous 9 month old. Get her into pre-school for more days when you can by all means but also work on your ways of dealing with her. We know you love her but actions speak louder than words especially at her age.

And, as I said before, the very best of luck.

I understznd WANTING to do this, but to have done this to a child is really not on.

You need to say sorry to her, tell her it was wromg of you to do it. Tell her you lost contro because you are cross at how things are at dinner time and you want her and you to make up and to find a way of making dinner time better. The give her a cuddle and styart fresh today.

Say sorry to her, say sorry to yourself and move on, vowing never to do it again.

OP you made a mistake and know it. Everyone makes mistakes, it's time to move on. The most important thing is how you approach this from now on.

This is what I do with DD and I hope it helps:

• relax about food. You will have to accept a small amount of wastage. It's very frustrating when you have taken the time to source, even grow, the ingredients and make the meal but it is far better to let the food go than let your temper go.
• offer tiny portions. That way you can just offer more if she wants more.
• offer your DD choices. You can make batches of staple stuff like pasta and then mix with other things like sauces or cheese or vegetables depending on what she wants that day.
• explain how somethings like desserts she can only have after her main meal but make it easy and possible for her to have her main meal.
• see if she prefers small, frequent snacks to few, large meals.

Best of luck!

different. The incident has not been played down by most people. Far from it.

Rabbitrisen I have recently done a child safe course & this is the exact type of thing that would needed to be flagged with the relevant authorities.

If you have anything to do with ss at the moment in this country, this incident alone is not going to have them doing very much at all.

How can it, if you think about it.

It would mean that practically every parent in the country would have to go through their system at one point or another.

Holiday. I dont think anyone should think of this incident as funny.

It looks funny on a TV drama, but is far from funny for everyone involved in rl.

'rabbitrisen' sadly some posters feel that unless you pile the OP with abuse and negativity you're not taking the issue seriously. How abusing someone helps a situation is beyond my understanding??

Chocoluvva lovely post. I hope the OP reads it.