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Original poster

I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

955 replies

Orchardbeck · 29/04/2014 19:53

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

OP posts:
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nowahousewife · 30/04/2014 08:20

Well at least you know you've crossed a line, although you do seem overly concerned about the waste of food and controlling your doughter's 'rebellion' rather than reflecting on hoe you can improve the situation.

Firstly make sure your daughter has three regular meals a day and one morning and one afternoon snack at least two hours before her next meal. If she refuses a meal don't make a fuss or offer her alternatives just put it in the fridge and bring it out for the next meal. I did this with DD's weetabix when she was 3, a pretty revolting lunch but she didn't refuse it again, still laughs about it now she's 16. Of course if you think this is mean then you could just take her uneaten meal away again with no fuss and offer her nothing until the next meal - again no fuss or drama, just quiet recognition that what's on offer is all there is.

Gen35 · 30/04/2014 08:21

I do think this has the slight feel of a witch hunt. I'm sure op will get better support and it won't happen again. Calling in ss for a one off lapse of control is ott and really a waste if their time when they have so many egregious cases to be concerned about.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/04/2014 08:23

It isn't a witch hunt.

People are minimising it and sympathising with OP.

Others are disagreeing.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
rabbitrisen · 30/04/2014 08:25

With respect she is an ex CP social wortker

I dont know how many years ex.

Fanjo, and others . Just thought I would ask. Have you suffered this sort of thing yourself?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/04/2014 08:26

My friend is an ex CP social worker.

She hasnt entirely changed persona

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/04/2014 08:27

Err personality since.

No I have not suffered this.

We arent projecting just because we take this seriousl

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/04/2014 08:27

How patronising.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/04/2014 08:27

My phone keeps refreshing. Sorry

rabbitrisen · 30/04/2014 08:34

I am sad that mumsnet is not able to support every parent in the land.

I would think it wonderful if a parent who has sexually abused their child, felt able to post to try and understand their behaviour.

But they would be blasted sky high.

rabbitrisen · 30/04/2014 08:36

Do people not realise the sorts of things that goes on in every town? The extent and shockingness of it?

op, I hope that you feel able to reach out for help in rl. I would like to think that you still feel able to post on here.
I hope that you still read this thread if you are finding it useful stiil.

gamerchick · 30/04/2014 08:38

You would feel sympathetic to a child abuser rabbit?

Cupid5tunt · 30/04/2014 08:39

Quite honestly this is one of the worst threads I think I have ever read on Mumsnet.

Your actions were quite horrific OP and the minimising on this thread sickens me slightly.

I fully understand that food issues are frustrating but your reaction is beyond out of order and have probably in fact done more damage than anything else with regards to your daughters food problems.

alita7 · 30/04/2014 08:41

I've seen so many posts either saying in slightly different words that he op was wrong or is abusive, which we've established and many posts arguing with other posters about their opinions....only a few of posts offer advice, suggestions or experience, if you have an opinion please post what you would do in this circumstance, before you got to the point of throwing food.

HavannaSlife · 30/04/2014 08:41

I don't think the op sounds sorry at all. If for some reason I tipped food over my 3 year olds head, I certainly wouldn't then send him to bed hungry.

Food battles are just not worth it, I have 4 ds and all have gone through a stage of fussiness. Ds3 3 is going through one now.

Sometimes he will eat potato, sometimes he wont. Most of the time he wont touch any veg, and he wont eat chicken, beef, ham.

I just ignore, make whatever im making for dinner but incorporate something he likes into it, so the veg goes on the plate, so do the potatos and a sausage bit of yorkshire pud and stuffing as I know he will eat them.

Over the last couple of weeks he ate Cauliflower carrot and peas for the first time in months and also tried some chicken.

He eats loads of fruit and although his diet isnt as good as I would like I know in time he will start eating things again.

rabbitrisen · 30/04/2014 08:47

You would feel sympathetic to a child abuser rabbit?

No.
But help and support, yes.

They need that to help them stop. That is what agencies and charities and ss do every day of the week.
When money is raised for charities, this is what some of them spend some of the money on.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/04/2014 08:49

MN isnt a charity or an agency who is trained to support abusers.

Would be very dangerous if it was expected to be one.

rabbitrisen · 30/04/2014 08:50

One thing I would say.
I do think that some of us sort of assume that this is a one off event. Which it well might be.

But it is possible that this is the tip of the iceberg.
I dont think so from what the op has written. It sounds like she got to the send of her tether and snapped.

If it is the tip of the iceberg to what has gone on, that is a different matter entirely.

I am hoping the op will repost.
I dont think that anyone will be surprised if she does not.

That is not going to help the family is it? Including the child in all of this.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/04/2014 08:51

OP I don't think you need another person to come on here and say yes you did cross a line. I think you know that yourself.

I hope you have learned that lots and lots of 3yo can be very suddenly fussy about food. That they will use it to try and use it to control you. That getting het up about it does absolutely no good at all - in fact it does the exact opposite.

SheherazadeSchadenfreude · 30/04/2014 08:51

I agree with those who have said it should not be made a control issue - as Windy said, 20 minutes, if the food's not gone, chuck it out, dinner over, no pudding (or maybe offer fruit). This is what we did with our two - if they didn't want what was on offer, they could have an apple and some cheese, if they didn't want that, it was game over.

I'm not excusing those parents of MNers who made them sit at the table for hours until their plates were clear (my mother's sister did this with her children), but these people probably grew up with rationing, or were children during the war when there often wasn't enough to eat. They knew what it was like to be really hungry, and didn't want their children to have this experience. And because of rationing, they were probably still of the mindset that it was a crime to waste food, hence the way they were.

rabbitrisen · 30/04/2014 08:51

True Fanjo. But it can help surely?

HavannaSlife · 30/04/2014 08:52

And the issue with waste? Surly you make the same meal for everyone.

Make enough for to have aportion but split it, give her half, if she eats and wants more give it her. If she doesn't give the extra half portion to your dh or the baby for lunch the next day. Less waste.

Although this is your problem, not hers

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 30/04/2014 08:54

I normally wouldn't post on this sort of thread as I'm a wuss, but I have a tentative question.

OP, when you say you're going to talk to the HV about control issues, do you mean hers or yours? Because as you said, it's a completely normal thing so I think you should be talking about yourself here, not the 3 year old.

pictish · 30/04/2014 09:26

Is this thread still a mass pile in?

Falconi · 30/04/2014 09:43

I can only hope this thread made the OP seek help and I think her husband needs help too.

This is not normal parenting, it doesn't matter how challenging is your children and how stressed you are.

The fact that at the OP, she doesn't seem very remorseful, is worried about the waste of her lovely veg and meat and is even proud of her husband not interfering IS A MASSIVE RED FLAG. She wasn't even sure if she crossed a line or not!

Also she wasn't even shocked by her own behaviour once the rage wore out...she calmly showered the kid and put to her to bed hungry.

I wonder what else is going on in this household and the OP and her OH isn't even aware of how off the scale it is.

I wonder why the 3 year old is playing up so much (and yeah I know they all do, but....)

Anyway, I am sure the OP is having a hard time with this thread but at the end of the day it will benefit her and her family if she choses to seek help.

As for the minimisers, it is very worrying indeed that people simply think it is not serious enough and a one off is ok...

pictish · 30/04/2014 10:03

Well...I'm as certain as I can be that the point people wanted to put across, has been achieved many times by now. I think she gets it.
You're all just saying the same thing over and over again now.

I haven't even expressed my opinion on her actions at dinner...there was no need to, because it has all been said, and if the ultimate aim is to make her aware that her conduct was abhorrent, then that has been done.
I'm not motivated to take my turn to chuck stones in the direction the OP left hours ago. She has long gone.
It just seems rather self gratifying to me.