I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

To the perfect mumsnet parents, please post your names on this thread.

Well according to the last few pages of posters, my mother 'abused' my sister when she did this in a moment of lost control 35 years ago (refer back to my earlier post - we all laugh about it now, including my perfectly well adjusted sister, who has no issues with food or my mother for that matter!).

Don't be so ridiculous - OP lost control, she regrets it, she has admitted it and has come on here to ask for our suggestions as she knows it should and will never happen again. I don't think she needs 'help', other than a good nights sleep and a few days off from meal time duties,

Get off your frikkin high horses and wind your necks back in - serious abuse goes on everywhere, all around us and we are none the wiser. THis was a one off loss of control that OP massively regrets, NOT a campaign of abuse.

Like I say, me and another poster both commented how our mothers did this to our siblings in the late '70's / early '80's - they're bloody fine! Get a grip!

HOW are "the OP's feelings be prioritised over her DD's well being?"

This makes no sense - how on earth is beating the OP with a stick going to help her DD? The "if you do anything apart from pour shame on the OP you are taking her side against her daughter" paradigm is an absolute nonsense - if MNers believe they have any influence over her DD's well being, this can only be achieved by offering the OP somewhat sympathetic advice - nobody ever improved as a parent by being told they were a shit, abusive parent, end of story, shame on you. The hysteria and rigid, blinkered, pearl clutching self righteousness on this thread is ridiculous now.

well said drinkingtea

Absolutely true rabbit

Disapproving of crossing a line is not the samr as claiming to be a perfect parent.

Hope it dissuades people from crossing lines, not from admitting it, rabbit.

OP you have lots to digest on this thread. Not sure if suggested already but have you heard of Love bombing? Could be a good place to start to rebuild things? Alongside getting some outside help.

It doesn't make you a "perfect parent" to not have tipped food over your child. The scorn on here for people calling the op on her behaviour amazes me. I am not perfect, but I know that this crosses a line.

If a poster was to post this, saying she saw it happen in a cafe/restaurant, within the first few replies was would "but why didn't you DO/SAY anything"

Indicating that perhaps the op should have done more. Yet those of us here who can see it for what it is, are getting told we are over reacting.

As one pp said, it may not have happened in an abusive household, but that doesn't mean it wasn't abusive.

But sure we want people to come on here to admit mistakes they have made, in the hops that some mumsnetters can help them see the possible error of their ways, and give them support and coping strategies.

Is their a limit to which people we will help? Just the easier cases?

serious abuse goes on everywhere, all around us and we are none the wiser.

And how the hell do YOU think THAT serious abuse starts?

Personally I would like the people that social services deem the worst cases in the land, to post on here.

But they are hardly likely to do that, are they?

What a huge huge shame

To parents like that that may be lurking
Well actually I am not sure what to suggest.

You make my point differentnameforthis.
Even the ones that start should not look to mumsnet for help. As they will be blasted.

THis was a one off loss of control that OP massively regrets, NOT a campaign of abuse.

You know that is an assumption, don't you? Because you can't know nothing has happened before...op has given one incident. A snap shot into her life, doesn't mean it is an isolated incident.

I also see that it very well could be, but I don't assume that it isn't.

Differentname nobody was saying only perfect parents don't tip food over their children, the point was that people simply offering condemnation without anything constructive are refusing to acknowledge human frailty - the old people in glass houses analogy, not a claim that most parents do this

The shaming has been done to death, nobody is saying it isn't bad, just saying OK, OK, enough already, I think we'Ve all heard that 300 times already - I am all in favour of calling people out on really unacceptable behaviour, but not of joining a lynch mob - once the point is made and accepted NOTHING is gained and a lot is lost, in terms of the OP's attention and the courage of others to admit to mistakes, by repeating and repeating the same old thing.

Which is what I am doing myself now, because posters who just want to flame and not b´move on are not going to give up on their one track... time to close the laptop and do something more constructive!

Op eating issues are always a battle you will lose.. today is another day. It's a horrible one because it's our instinct to feed our kids and stressful if they won't.

Get some vitamin drops and eyeq.. get some ready brek in. Make her meal but only put a little bit on her plate so it's only a few mouthfuls and take it away without comment if she refuses it.

Even the ones that start should not look to mumsnet for help. As they will be blasted.

If you read my first post, you will see that I gave my opinion on what happened & I offered op advice.

The rest of my posts (I admit there are a few) were addressing what OTHER posters had written in an attempt to normalise, laugh at & minimise this.

I haven't interacted with the op after my initial posts, so how can I be 'blasting' her?

The bits that concerned me about the OPs first post were the bits about wasting food, mealtimes taking hours and turning into control issues. I think the tipping up of the food is the least worrying aspect and the most quickly forgotton.

The other things brought back memories for me OP. I remember the misery of mealtime. My mother poking at bits of my food "eat this", "eat that", "push that nicely on the back of your fork", "look what I've made, not all children get the finest this and the finest that". I remember sitting and refusing to eat despite being starving as a child because it was the only control I could exercise over my food. That is why I became an anorexic in my 20s - recovered now.

OP the food doesn't have to be the finest, deliciously prepared. Half a sausage and a spoonful of mash will do or egg and chips. Sit with them and talk to them for the length of a normal mealtime. No more than 20 minutes - if the main is eaten the pudding comes out. If the main isn't eaten it's just thrown away and the pudding doesn't come out. Do it every single day - it's 20 minutes - it's not worth stressing over and not something you should let yourself stress over. Food should never be the be all and end all of a relationship.

drinkingtea Read my first post. I offer plenty of advice, the rest is calling out the minimisation/laughing at the incident on this thread.

And the fact that those who haven't done something like this are 'smug' 'perfect' 'self righteous' etc etc.

It's not "human frailty" to abuse your 3 year old.

The op has been great so far in taking comments on board.

But her head must be spinning.

Other posters and herself included will see this thread in its entirety as very blasting[sorry, cant think of a better word right now].

And they will not be able to distinguish, and anaylyse everyones' posts in that way.

Fanjo. I doubt that ss wouldeven be interested in this case.

I know that it seems shocking and is shocking. But in the great scheme of ss cases[do you know anything about them at all], there are sooooooo many and sooooooooo much worse cases that this.

That does not minimise what the op has done, but I dont see many on here doing that.

Oh youb are hilarious differentname - you are not reading other people's posts properly but calling them out erroneously for not reading yours - I said that I agreed with your advice about the food issues in my post at 07:48:06

Really closing the laptop now, it is all a bit insane and the chances of the OP wading through all the more recent pages is nil - she already responded and if she has any sense will leave it well alone now, as will I.

Rabbit. Did you read brianthemoles post?

She is an ex CP social worker, and would have been very interested.

Poor OP

Different..you are right.

Its the minimisation on the thread that I really shocking too. And why people keep addressing it.