I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

Yes Jake, its all you

Brian,
I thought so.

Heads about to explode.

shouted, thumped stuff down on the table loudly with a face like thunder, grabbed an arm a little too violently

I think several of us have been there, but also I think what the OP did isn't that different. Because it wasn't part of a cold, calculating campaign of controlling behaviour, it was an end-of-tether, I-have-had-it moment. I'm not saying it wasn't bad. It was bad. But it really doesn't sound like the vicious bullying of a sustained abuser. If it was, she wouldn't have posted.

The OP's mistake is caring so much about what the 3yo eats and letting the refusal really get to her, and it's a mistake that many parents get caught up in. She can change that, and should, and that should really help.

I would just like to say that I have had all sorts of bad feelings over the years about my children but I have NEVER had any daydreams about punching them in the face.
They have made me cross and irritated and unreasonable and sad but I have never thought about punching them in the face.

I agree with Bonadea. What a lot of sanctimonious parents! The OP obviously feels bad about what happened but it is not the end of the world and will soon be forgotten . If DD refuses to eat just take the food away and accept she will eat when she is hungry. She will not starve. I do feel for you because I know how frustrating 3 year olds can be

couldn't read all the posts but I think everyone accusing the op of abuse etc, maybe offer some advice?

I don't think it's abuse, I have a 10 year old dsd (who lives with us, dp and I share care 50/50) who like many 3 year olds can be extremely stubborn only in her case due to autism. Most of the times she's delightful but rarely she is a nightmare, especially as she moved in with us a year ago and is in the testing boundaries phase, I would never hurt her and I don't think I would ever throw her food on her or the equivalent BUT I can't say in the heat of the moment when she's angered me and riled me to the extreme, that i haven't thought about doing something like you have op , just for a second, so I can see how it happened, I have thrown thing's like the towel I got out for the shower she's refusing to have at her feet and left the room to calm down for example.

I think you know you went to far but it is so hard when you've tried positive praise, looking ecstatic at the carrot you've just put in your mouth, bribery, threats or no pudding or no park trips and confiscating things and nothing works. to the point where for me the only thing I can do with dsd is refuse to interact with her (except to ask her to go to her room and calm down while I do) until she apologises, when she is given a hug and asked again to do as she's told which she normally does or asks for a compromise.
although ignoring your dd would probably be what she's wants in terms of eating:p

Personally I would try either getting her involved a bit in helping you to cook if you are able to, stirring things for you etc and then serving food and saying look what dd has made let's all get stuck in, she may eat it if she thinks she's made it :p Or get her involved in picking a meal, let her pick one ingredient she wants?

If that doesn't work I would try giving her one food at a time and don't cook it (except meat of course), so a few slices of raw carrot in a bowl, then some bits of chicken etc this may be pandering to it, but you can gradually increase it so after a few weeks try putting two things together in the bowl. then try a few hot things, like baked beans at first. This may make her wonder why she hasn't got what you and dp have and she may even ask for it in the end. I would then give her a couple of mouthfuls of your plate when ever she is curious and then eventually ask if she can wants a bit of what mummy's having in her own bowl the next night, start with a small bowlful and gradually increase.
It could be that the amount is over welming her.

p.s dsd is very rarely like this so these events are not common! I have no idea if I deal with it ok (I know it don't keep my calm enough atm but I'm pregnant (she doesn't know yet) and I'm emotionally everywhere.) but I seriously struggle when she just says no over and over, crying at every threatened removal of toys or privileges but still saying no. But like I say it's happened maybe 3 times in the past 3 months once with just me, twice with dp and me, and has nearly happened a few more times especially in the past week or so, but I think that's because last time dp sent her to bed and didn't make her do whatever it was, so she seems to picked up on it and thinks a tantrum will get her out of doing what she doesn't want to do (especially as she laughed when dp told her to sit on the naughty step when she was arguing about doing her homework)- so be careful thst your dd doesn't learn that she won't have to eat if she plays up too much.

Sanctimonious? For understanding that its abusive behavior to tip a plate of food over someones head? Righty ho dearie

Hear hear Brian

I'm sure all these people would just love a plate of food dumped over their head. I can see the topics now....

I speak as someone who has crossed the line myself, in a different way, when I say it's not okay and you may feel guilt for years to come about doing it. I'm not saying it's right at all, though having been there I can see where it comes from.

The truth of the matter is that you are going to have to learn to control your temper when it comes to your child, food and toileting are two of the things young children have much control over, you need to find a way to make it not a battle of wills, not to let it affect you emotionally, and to stand up, walk away and count to ten when you feel the anger coming on.

My immediate thinking after the event in my case was how do I never ever get to this place again, what coping strategies do I have, and what can I learn to about parenting to avoid these kinds of situations.

I don't think anyone is condoning the behaviour, Brian. But some of us recognise, having been at the end of our tether, that things like this can happen. I get that the OP is mortified, horrified at what she has done. Personally, I think this is a one off, and she won't do it again. But when you have a wilful child and are hugely sleep deprived, sometimes you do things that you would never think of doing in a calm and rational atmosphere. I bet 9 times out of 10, the OP sits there calmly - seething, possibly, at her DD's behaviour, but not showing it. And on one occasion, it's been the straw that's broken the camel's back.

I've managed to move away from that person I was when I lost control, it will never happen again. You sound like you are in the same headspace that I was after mine, so hopefully you'll be okay. It's hard to hear the truth of it from people, but it will help to make you feel better in the end by never getting back to a place like this.

I would add though that the important thing in any thing that goes on in things like this with your child is that you have control over yourself befoee worrying about having control over her.

For example when I threw the towel at dsds feet I had enough control that had it been a bottle of shampoo in my hand instead it would not have been thrown though I may have set it down firmly and loudly on the table. Letting your anger out isn't ever ideal but it's Ok when pushed to your limit if you don't only let go when it's 'safe' in my case a towel was ok to throw as it can't hurt her, but a shampoo bottle could so I would never have let myself throw it even if I had wanted to.

alita - sorry, I think that is terrible advice. There is no need to look ecstatic at children eating slices of carrot. Or spend weeks building up what items are in their bowl. It's just too over engineered and, again, reacting to their behaviour

Serve nice food, if child eats it fine. If not, offer the rest of the meal - fruit/yoghurt etc. if they dont want to eat, off to bed after a bottle of milk or a milky drink

If they aren't eating well or their appetite has significantly diminished over a week, go to the doc.

I usually read the thread. This has angered me enough I haven't read the thread so apologies to other posters if some sort of resolution has been reached.

There is discipline, there is being angry and there is going far too far. I remember my mother doing something similar to me. I would have been about 3 as my brother wasn't around yet. It was a stew. I liked stew normally but stew usually came with thin gravy and nice bread to mop it up. With this stew, the vegetables had all mushed and the gravy was thick. I remember crying that I didn't like it as, being 3, I wasn't eloquent enough to explain why I suddenly hated a meal I usually enjoyed. Suddenly, my mother turned and shoved me face down in my food. I remember screaming with hot food all over my face and in my hair. Even my father, who has ASD and who usually looked to my mother as to how to behave and who wasn't the most emotional parent, was horrified and intervened.

My father was a smacker and often quick to resort to it. I've never had a problem with this and I've never felt it caused me any long-term issues. My mother's sudden, out of the blue viciousness, because this wasn't the only incident, in addition to her tactic of ignoring me, not just for the duration of bad behavior but for days on end, has caused permanent emotional damage. Had she smacked me and sent me to bed hungry, I doubt I'd remember. What she did is one of my earliest memories.

I don't like my mother very much. I think she knows it. I sense the disappointment when I visit or phone and fail to tell her I love her and hug her with stiff duty. Were my father and brother not around, I don't know if I'd be in contact at all.

gobblino it's hardly terrible...
I wasn't suggesting she looks ecstatic it was in my list of things she may have tried, I'm sure most of us have at some point gone mmmmm this is yummy to try and encourage a child to eat...

And clearly the op is worried the child isn't eating enough and I've offered a potential thing for her to try, it may save some agro... its not advice it's a suggestion, something I might feel driven to in her case.

We all know it's reprehensible to take our frustration and anger out on our children, but we're all human, and sometimes we snap. Some people's tolerance threshold is very high, others, less so.

However, as a way of making a point, tipping (not throwing) a bowl of cold food over your child's head after a prolonged stand off, where the child knows that it is pressing buttons, is, imo, a lot less damaging than shouting and screaming, banging a fist on the table, smacking, and any number of other expressions of frustration the op could have resorted to, had she really been experiencing the complete loss of control which many posters on this thread have attributed to her.

It's not very laudable, but as losses of control go, pretty restrained.

I don't agree SheherazadeSchadenfreude. I know how utterly frustrating children can be. I have shouted at my children before and not been proud of that fact. But there is a line that you do not cross over. The line in this case has been set too far in the wrong direction, and its not possible to brush it off as one of those things, because its too easy to let something like this happen again. Thats what makes society work, its the invisible boundary we do not cross over. Ever. If we find that our mental state is making us act beyond that acceptable level, then thats where people need to acknowledge there is a problem and seek professional help. You say you think its a one off. You really can't know that. I say that if someone is likely to cross that boundary in the first place, then its unlikely to be a one off in terms of losing it in a harmful way, imo.

To put it another way. If I had a referral in my child protection days of an incident like this, or even these days as a social worker in a learning disability team, (both very similar groups really in terms of vulnerability), then that family would be seeing quite a lot of me, or one of my colleagues, for a pretty long time. Until I felt certain that the problem was resolved. That would be the best case scenario I'm sure. The alternatives would probably be quite unthinkable for the people here who think its just a bad day, or are finding it hard to suppress their amusement.

Oh dear. You know that was a big thing to do, and I hope some of the constructive advice on here will help you towards controlling and channeling your emotions, and not controlling food.

FurkleLurkle I'm sorry. Its heartbreaking to think of the 3 year old you in that situation. This is exactly the point isn't it. Why its completely not acceptable.

Thank you BrianTheMole, that is kind.

It is ok to be angry and frustrated with your children, it happens, part of life.

However, you need to know when to walk away, just for a moment, to get a grip on yourself.

You do not tip a plate of food over a three yr olds head.

End of.

I have read your post over and over and I still cannot believe that you would just tip a plate of food, very calmy, over the head of your 3yr old child and not know BEFORE you did it that it is crossing that line parents should never cross.

Your child only has you to love, protect and guide her. That action was not the action of a parent who was loving, protecting or trying to guide their child, it was the action of an adult not giving a crap about how their child felt at that point in time and taking advantage of their position of power as a parent to release their frustration and anger upon a vulnerable person - i.e. someone who doesn't have the ability to defend or protect themselves from somebody else's negative/abusive behaviour.

I'm trying not to give you a hard time because many before me have put it far better but you need to get yourself to the GP or speak to your HV and ask for help or support.

There really are some shocking standards on this forum about what people deem as acceptable behaviour towards their children.

This thread has really upset me. The OP has come here seeking support, suggestions, advice, resources and she gets called abusive. How on earth is that going to help her move forward? She had a moment of frustration and crossed the line. Many of us have been there. It doesn't mean that you are an abusive parent or that you don't adore your children.

OP, I hope it goes without saying that you know what you did was awful. You lost your temper, dropped your basket, and today is the day you get your shit together. I know you are tired and sleep deprived and that the end of the day is the hardest time. It will get easier, you will sleep again and you CANNOT let the little things consume you...save the 'recipe' meals for the weekend when you've got some support and give DD things like toast, fruit, cheese, crackers, pasta, veggies and dip, peanut butter sandwiches etc. during the week and make friends with your compost bin; a lot of food will be going in there for the next few years and there is NOTHING you can do about it. Forget the food magazines, forget Annabel bloody Karmel....keep it simple . Sometimes a small glass of wine while you sit with the children really helps you relax (just one, mind). Go and see your GP ASAP; PND can manifest as rage and irritability for years after you give birth and sleep deprivation certainly doesn't help. A mild anti-depressant can really help with your moods and make it less likely that you lose your temper over little things. Ask DH to help you get some sleep/exercise/alone time and make sure you are doing everything you can do to take care of yourself.

Most of all give your little girl lots of extra cuddles and attention, vow never to lose it again and remember that she loves you and needs you, even if you are a bit fragile at the moment. You owe it to her to get a handle on this. Keep posting here if you need to talk more .

I haven't read the entire thread but this is not a normal reaction

The way you have acted is out of control and not normal

No one ever should tip a meal onto their 3 years head!

Was it completely cold because you could have scalded her?

Besides the point really ....one question for you

What The Fuck were you thinking?

You have crossed a line, a very dangerous one where you are no longer putting your daughters safety (emotionally and physically) first

The first thing you need to do is recognise you are acting out of character and seek an appointment with your GP and tell them how you are feeling

You will overcome this but for goodness sake please realise that you are currently out of control regarding your children and seek a solution