I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

If a child came into my classroom and told me that this had happened to them it would be written down on a child protection form.

It would seem that if a person comes onto mumsnet and confesses their abuse then it all goes away and not a negative word can be said

OP,you have my sympathy. Its bloody tough. A farmers wife is a tough job and you have my respect for coping as long as you have.
But you know that it was absolutely out of order and I hope you remember this for a long time and use it as a wake up call if you feel out of control again. It can never happen again, as I am sure you know.
I suspect you will tell dd of it when she is older to illustrate how tough motherhood is, and how these things pass.
If you were feeling that stressed, then I think you should be grateful that is all you did - a plate of cold food on her head is humiliating but has no lasting physical harm.
Some parents who are frustrated and stressed throw their children against a wall, break bones etc.
If you repeat today's incident, then it does become more serious.
I think you have responded very well to the flaming you received, and wish you well.

There is a book - "how to speak so kids will listen" which got me through lone parenting the under 5 years with twins, one of whom is profoundly mentally disabled. I don't know if it will help, but have a look at it?
Good luck.
ps - your DH? I guess he is more used to his fields than the children and so thought it was oK not to challenge you on it? Again, some serious work needed here as well, sadly.

One little slip up?

It's not little really.

Imagine that said to an adult.

I've had several days as a parent where I've resolved to do a lot better tomorrow. Op's apologised to her dd, which does matter to them. it's a one off incident and seems to have happened because op needs more childcare breaks so that she doesn't get so stressed again. Bottom line is well supported parents don't do these kinds of things.

Shit OP - I've read your first post. My mother had control issues over mealtimes and would make me sit for hours. That, my love, is why I'm a recovered anorexic. I have nothing else to say. I'm 54 btw and my dc are older teenagers. Please get help over YOUR issues relating to food and control.

How awful - but you know that already. So I'm not going to rehash it. But for your wee daughter.

Anyway.

I agree with those who say don't let mealtimes become a battleground. You can set a time - 30 minutes, say - while you sit at the table and eat together. After that time, the food is taken away. No big deal, no recriminations.

Thing is, it's NOT your job to make her eat. It's your job to make tasty, healthy, appropriate food and serve it in reasonable portions at a time she will be hungry. The eating is entirely up to her. Some days she'll eat, some days she won't. But either way, if you've made something nice and sat at the table in a pleasant way, then you've kept up your end of the bargain.

She'll get through this, and so will you. Hopefully you'll both enjoy eating with each other at the end of it.

OP, it was certainly a defining moment. We all have them sometimes and we all do things we regret, or realise immediately that we could have handled things differently.

You understand it was wrong, and I think that means you are unlikely to repeat it.

When my three were younger we went through some fussy phases with food. I worried about it quite a bit with the eldest, but I soon learned that the absolute best way to deal with it was to back right off and not make a big deal myself. At the start of every meal I took to saying "you can eat your meal or just sit quietly and stare at it if you must, but you WILL let me have mine in peace". I also reminded them that they would get nothing else. Beyond that I just left them to it and do you know what?? Nine times out of ten they ate at least some of it. They are healthy 18, 15 and 11 year olds now, and clearly haven't starved.

It may not seem like it just now, but you will get there and this phase will pass eventually. It is just soooo frustrating while it lasts though.

For godsake, anyone would think you had plonked her into a pot of boiling soup! She's 3, she probably thought it was funny.

I am far more worried about you, than her. Clearly you are at your wits end/exhausted :(

Most of us stress a lot about what and how much the kids eat, we really don't need to, they rarely starve themselves and will eat if/when they're hungry. It can take subsequent children for us to learn this lesson though - the first one gets the majority of the anxiety over food!

Your job is to provide the food, her job is to eat it.

Just offer her reasonably healthy food, at reasonably regular intervals and leave her to it, she eats it or she doesn't - she wont starve and she will be just fine. They need far less food than we think they should eat - honestly.

Minimise the effort you put into preparing it and cooking it - make it things you will eat later or she has some from what you have made for you and DH the night before or make a large lasagne/cottage pie etc and freeze small portions so that basically all you are doing it reheating it at meal times - it's FAR less upsetting when you haven't spent ages preparing it.

Look after yourself and try not to be too upset over being told you are abusive - it's ridiculous. It's getting more like nethuns in here on a daily basis.

Look, I'm a parent who has lost the plot more than once and had moments I'm not proud of. But your post shocked me. More the fact that you don't seem to realise just how out-of-control your behaviour was, even after the fact with time to calm down.

Search MN and other resources for help and advice on a fussy eater. But as others have said - please never make eating into a battle. No-one will win.

Yes, it was the wrong thing to do and yes, you know that.

I think you should apologise for having done that and promise to not do it again (just like you would expect her to apologise if she, say, hurt you in a temper tantrum and you'd expect her to not do it again).
You then move on - she will be fine

Yy to not letting mealtimes become battle grounds - it IS about control and not food when they refuse food; she will not starve if she misses a meal.
Do not take it personal - I think this is where it went wrong tonight.

Nobody is defending what the OP did, but any honest parent will have had situations where they reacted unwisely and regretted it afterwards.
I have put DS4 fully clothed in the bath on one occasion after a prolonged battle to get him to come upstairs, get undressed, in the bath and bed. It was not MY finest moment, but it stopped him from fighting me tooth and nail as he was so shocked at his wet socks and trousers

I do think the OP has been given an unreasonably hard time.

and to you, Orchardbeck - it'll be fine. Don't do it again - your food sounds far too lovingly raised and prepared to waste

Thing is, it's NOT your job to make her eat. It's your job to make tasty, healthy, appropriate food and serve it in reasonable portions at a time she will be hungry. The eating is entirely up to her. Some days she'll eat, some days she won't. But either way, if you've made something nice and sat at the table in a pleasant way, then you've kept up your end of the bargain.

Well said. That's how I feel about it entirely.

What in earth...I'm shocked. I have a 16 month old and a 14 week old and can honestly say I've never daydreamed about punching either of them in the face or tipping DS' tea over his head

Tonight, I lovingly made him salmon with cheese sauce - which he loves - and he chucked most of it in the floor ......whilst ensuring he had eye contact with me to see if I would react. I didn't. So that was boring for him and he then ate some fruit and yoghurt and had more milk at bedtime

I got very good advice from the GP, which was that as DS doesn't have special needs (as far as we're aware) of any type of growth problem, I don't need to worry about what he eats on a daily basis. He will not starve himself to death. Only worry if he refuses fluids - that's obviously dangerous.

If he didn't eat much, for say a week to 10 days, then come in for a chat with her if he seems otherwise well to let her just double check him. But dont stress about food. Leave him to it.

Suggest you follow that advice and please seek some advice about your temper. Us your DH scared to disagree with you? Is this why he's not said anything? I'm amazed - I'd chuck DH out if the house if he did this

I think the people calling this abuse have never been at the end of their tether.

Goodness gracious, it's not as if any harms been done. Yes it's not good, but it's happened. Lets try to offer some help.

I'm sure you will have tried all the usual reward charts etc.

Can you let her help you chose the food and prepare it?

I am absolutely aghast at the minimising that is going on on this thread.

People who are genuinely shocked at this behaviour and have voiced this are accused of being the "perfect parents who never make a mistake" and are unduly giving the OP a hard time and she is very brave for coming on here and admitting it. So that makes it alright??

There have been times when I have been driven up the wall by my kids - when my thoughts have been appalling and the things that I have FELT like doing would have had me sectioned. But I didn't cross the line and do them. I might have behaved less than perfectly, shouted, thumped stuff down on the table loudly with a face like thunder, grabbed an arm a little too violently - stuff that is wrong, unforgiveable but understandable.

But I think the deliberate picking up of a plate and tipping it over my 3 year old's head would have had to have been done in such a state of detachment, such a state of disconnection that I would be seriously worried about my mental health afterwards. And listen, I am not saying that I am not capable of it, just that if I had actually got to the point of doing it, I would know that I was no longer behaving in a way that was appropriate. I would be worried sick ABOUT MYSELF.

I would also be worried about my partner not picking up on it. Colluding in this abusive behaviour. Maybe he is pretending to. Maybe he doesn't give a fuck about you stuck at home with the child. Maybe you are both under incredible stresses. Sympathies to you both. I am not walking in your shoes. But Christ I am worried about the pair of you and am worried about your child.

Please seek help. Before your detachment increases. Before this behaviour seems normalised. It was cruel and dehumanising. Good luck.

Twighlight I'm one of the people calling it abuse.

Because this is how my grandma started off with my mum. Just a little 'slip' people say. These little 'slips' escalate.

In the end she was feeding my mum dog food.

Being at the end of your tether isn't an excuse at all.

getanotherloan I agree completely. I too am shocked at the minimising. It would seem a quick confession online makes everything okay, and that is a terrifying thought.

get - totally agree with your post. Absolutely.

tequila - Because this is how my grandma started off with my mum. Just a little 'slip' people say. These little 'slips' escalate..

Totally agree with this too. God almighty, the relationship board is plastered with posts about not ignoring red flags from abusive men. Watching out for boundary pushing..... The slippery slope......Keeping yourself safe.

Why is the same not applied here?

Why are we not allowed to say this is a bad thing? Why should the OP's feelings be prioritised over her DD's well being?

OP, I have been there.
I imagine the food was probably cold as opposed to steaming hot as it had probably been sitting there.
I once served my 3 year old a dish of ketchup when after being presented with a list of tasty nutritious meals all he could decide on was ketchup.
It happens. Tomorrow is another day. Start again, deep breaths.

Tomorrow is another day?

She threw a plate of food over a three yr olds head.

Then asked was she bu

Is it me?

Why are we not allowed to say this is a bad thing? Why should the OP's feelings be prioritised over her DD's well being?

We are allowed to say that. Maybe, just maybe, those people who are minimizing it are the ones who also come very close to crossing that boundary themselves with their dc, if they haven't already. Hence the lack of shock, and the concerning acceptance that this is just a bad day, and one of those things.