I have just tipped my 3yo Dd1's supper over her head.

[Orchardbeck]

Not one of my finest moments, I have to say. I'm certainly not proud of the fact. She refused to eat it so I calmly tipped it over her head, gravy, the lot.

Dd1 has been refusing to eat meals for some time, I know it is a control issue as we are having other problems (tantrums, ignoring etc etc). I also have Dd2 who is 9 months and eating well (same meals just mashed or chopped well). She just sits there and either makes cheeky comments or shouts over me. I am at the end of my tether.

I make meals that I know Dd1 loves - she was previously an adventurous eater but now just picks and takes hours to finish a meal, and only with coaxing and threats of no pudding etc.

Tonight was sausage casserole, made with home raised pork and vegetables out of the garden, so not only do I feel bad about doing this, it was particularly painful to see it go to waste like that (DH's face was a picture, but he backed me up whether he agreed with it or not , bless him).

She has now been showered and sent to bed with nothing more to eat. She is very eloquent for her age (3 1/4 yo) and has been from age 1, she used to be so well behaved and a joy to have around.

Obviously I was worried about her reaction to dd2, but she loves her to pieces. She just takes other people off to one side to get their full attention - it can be overwhelming for them sometimes.

I know she is rebelling because I have to dedicate attention to her younger sister, plus my OH is a farmer and works all hours so it's just me looking after them. She goes to pre school 2 mornings per week.

What can I do? Is it a phase? Have I crossed a massive line?

I personally was just trying to explain why I thought people kept criticising OP.

And yes I am a bit shocked by people thinking those criticising OP are worse than her.

Am not some spokesperson for OP bashers though.

Clearly there are two schools of thought here.

I personally think if you admit to something quite abusive and are really sorry you need to suck up a bit of criticism.

I've done what Nameless has done. I have been at breaking point with a challenging three year old that never slept and a baby. It's exhausting. You apologise (and she should apologise to you too) and you move on. It doesn't happen again, it's the sort of thing that only happens once, because it is embedded in your subconscious and you make sure you don't reach that stage again.

It must be marvellous to be as perfect as some of you on this thread.

River "I thought MN was about offering support and advice, in many cases to people who are struggling. A lot of posters (though not all, of course) make me wonder if it really is.

Hiding the thread now. OP, I hope and I'm sure that you can move on from this."

^ 100% agree

The Op has acknowledged she shouldn't have done this, she's apologised to her dd and said she will seek help. Now STOP having a go at her.

OP I hope you get some help.

I was correcting it for you minnie. So you would know the right saying. For future use and all that.

Oh put your pitchfork down Fanjo. There will be no bonfire tonight.

Fgs I was just explaining I have no pitchfork

Scheherazade oh yes it's the no sleep thing isn't it? At my worst point dd1 was waking every 2 hours, and so was the baby, and the toddler didn't nap. Dd1 is also extremely "determined" let us say! How anyone can deal with tantrum my toddler, colicky baby and no sleep without fucking up occasionally is a bloody saint I reckon....

Clearly by being upset by someone treating a three year old abusively I am much worse than them though

My problem with the OP is I don't think the seriousness of her action was conveyed by her. Note the OP, note the questions at the end. The 'is it a phase' firstly rather than 'how do I overcome my action'. The blame is still on the DD in her post IMO. Also it seems like she was more concerned about food wastage rather than the fact she dumped food over her daughters head.

I've seen lots of threads where mothers have admitted to doing something wrong and have given sympathy and guidance to them, but they were very different to this. They were extremely sorry, it didn't even occur to them to try and rationalise it by explainin how hard work their child was.

I also know about being pushed btw..my DD shat on the floor thn splashed hands in toilet and got water all over floor.. Which was fun.

Mystery fairy, she was IN NO WAY lucky not to have scalded her
, you don't feed scolding hot food to 3 year olds, you serve them just above warm food.

To the OP oops, did it feel better or worse after, i would have had difficulty keeping my giggles in if i had been sat there.
But listen to everyone else, try to stay neutral, and reheat it for a part of your own dinner if you cant stand the waste.

See..people finding this giggle worthy are what is inflaming folk IMO

Hi OP ,

I don't have any advice really but I hope you are okay. Food is very emotive, and you really lost the plot.

If you don't forgive yourself and move on, I think it will create a whole new tangle of problems with you feeling uptight and guilty, and your daughter picking up on you being stressed out...

So I think the best thing to do is draw a line. Try and totally relax with your DDs food consumption ( I know it is hard). Make sure you are reassuring tomorrow.

Giggles??? Really sarcy

OP. I can't imagine doing what you did but have been blessed with easy eaters. When my 3yo gets silly about her food I put the plate on the child sized Ikea table and leave it there. If she is hungry she will eat, later in the evening, if not, she will go to bed. Food, like potty training, is not worth creating a battle over. You will never win.

Please never do that again. You will only be making things harder for yourself. Even if this has no effect on your child (most likely despite the comments on here) you are just turning food into a stressful thing. Which in time will affect both of you.

Serve up food. If she doesn't want it leave it out. Then bed at normal. Don't stress about it. Or waste. It doesn't actually matter. The child will not starve herself and you would have cooked it anyway.

And I meant my DD did all that today

I meant most unlikely - this one event will most probably not scar her for life.

Food is a control issue for toddlers. Let her win these minor battles. She won't starve herself. But turning it into a fight will harm you both.

And forgive yourself. You did fuck up today, but tomorrow you won't.

My dd is 5 and eats little. She's thriving though. I give her very small portions of food...really teeny, because she gets overwhelmed by a plateful. If she wants more she can have it, but she rarely does.
The rules are simple...your dinner is your dinner and that's your lot. Eat it or not.
It's definitely not worth losing your temper, and getting into a state over.

Glad to hear you've apologised, OP. Not your finest parenting moment but you can't change that, just what happens tomorrow and the days after that.

I know how frustrating toddlers can be, I found that age very difficult, they can really push you to the limit. I really think it helps to keep their behaviour in perspective. Fussy eating in toddlers is so so common, even among children who have previously eaten well. My 3 were all pretty fussy at times, even the 7yo (who is a brilliant eater now and will literally try anything) had a very limited diet at that age. (there is a theory that this wariness is evolutionary, so that newly mobile little ones didn't wander off and eat poisonous stuff) I also found their appetites pretty variable, so they might eat like a horse one day and pick like a bird the next.

You've had loads of good advice about staying calm etc. Small portions, they can always ask for seconds. I always tried to make sure there was at least one "banker" on the plate that I knew they definitely liked. Eating together as a family and chatting round the table. My 3 all like communal bowls of food to help yourself from eg for salad (even when that meant picking carrot sticks out for the dcs rather than actual salad!) and I think that encourages them to try different foods. Keep reminding yourself that she will be fine even she doesn't eat her dinner sometimes.

Ds3 is still a bit fussy if I am honest but if he point blank refuses to even try his dinner I tend to just remove it and suggest he goes upstairs and gets his pyjamas on, as he's clearly finished his dinner. The injustice at the thought of this is usually enough to prompt him to at least try some.

Oh and it might help to remember that the toddler doesn't give a flying f&&& about the provenance of the food

OK.

You know that's not OK don't you?

Your mention of "home-raised pork" and home-grown vegetables - YOU WANT TO BE CRUCIFIED FOR THIS because I think you know that you might NEED (or deserve) that level of reaction.

Please go to the doctor tomorrow and tell them YOU ARE NOT COPING and that you need help.

Because you do and I think you know it.

What an emotive thread . I totally agree with those saying there but for the grace of god. My kids were well behaved kids and I'm a laid back calm person but sometimes they drove me crazy. I once had to hold my hands behind my back to stop myself hitting my 3 year old in 'anger' I didn't but I could have, really easily.

OP, I am not sure what to say, it's not you finest hour but what's done is done. You have 'owned' it and addressed it as well as you can.

I know you have had a lot of very harsh posts but can you imagine how bad they would have been if you were male. .

I think you should hide the thread if it get too upsetting.

Good luck I hope things work out ok.

I wish you H would defend your poor daughter.
I am all for working as a team and being on the same page, but bloody hell, some needs to take control when the other loses it.

I pray for your daughter right now and I hope you can move on OP.

I have a 3 year old asleep upstairs. The OP has actually made me tearful. I genuinely can't believe someone could do that and having done it, post about it!
Op you need to go to your GP as soon as and get yourself some parenting classes. That is in no way shape or form acceptable even for a mother at the end of their tether.

I see The Mumsnet Perfect Mother Brigade is voicing their opinions yet again. And crucifying the OP.

You are NOT allowed to be anything less than perfect, OP

Not one little slip up..........ever!!