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Original poster

Boyfriend won't get up for night feeds!!

125 replies

me271234 · 26/04/2014 21:55

Any advice people, we have just had another baby a baby girl "well I say just she's just come out of hospital ftee being born @ 25 weeks prem" we are ao delighted to have her home, we do also have a toddler who is 18 months old so it is a very busy houses, anyway I will cut to the chase, me or my partner are not working at the moment, he does leave the house for 4 hours a day to visit his gran who needs to b cares for, so I am @ home with the two kids, I am so exhausted as our newborn is very noisy and doesn't sleep to good not to mention she feeds twice in the night, what I am trying to say is that my boyfriend refuses point blank to getting up to do even 1 feed, he literally tells me he finds it wierd as she is a girl " to me that's an excuse". It's getting to the point now that I am starting to resent him, he gets to lay in bed all night and every morning whilst I feed trough the night and also get up with the kids, I am @y wits end he doesn't work so why can't he help me, I am so frustrated with him and he knows that bit just doesn't seem to care. When we had our son "1st born" we took it in turns from day 1 gettin up with him but now he doesn't even want to compromise, I have talked an talked to him but he still refuses, I am stuck guys I don't know what more I can say or do, I feel like I am getting depressed. So need some advice please

OP posts:
wonderstuff · 26/04/2014 22:02

He refuses to get up in the night because she's a girl?

Wow.

So what is he doing round the house? How does he fill the 20 hours when he isn't caring for his gran?

I'd be questioning if I would have less to do if he was living elsewhere.

joanofarchitrave · 26/04/2014 22:05

Sounds like time for you to visit someone, overnight.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 26/04/2014 22:08

don't know what to say, OP. Does he help with anything else? If not, I'd kick him out at least temporarily, sorry. although that would be playing into his hands, so have no idea. it is very disrespectful to yoga and your DD. Twat.

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ExBrightonBell · 26/04/2014 22:16

That has to be the most absurd reason I've ever heard for shirking parenting responsibilities.

If gender is an issue, then why is he caring for his Gran (female) but not his daughter (female)? He's an illogical idiot.

I would suggest for night feeds, getting up and fetching the bottle & baby and then hand both to him. You then go and sleep in the spare room (or somewhere else, if no spare room) and leave him to get on with it. If he doesn't get the hint then you're going to have to have a serious conversation with him about where your relationship is going. You shouldn't be left unsupported like this.

alex7149 · 26/04/2014 22:40

I agree with Joan- it may be hard, but go to your parents or a close friends over night then he will have to feed her!

Also agree it is totally illogical to care for his Gran and not his daughter- I would threaten to just go out 15 minutes before he is due to go to his Grans as if he can't look after dd he can't look after Gran...

meringue33 · 26/04/2014 22:44

Does he really go to his grans?

CocktailQueen · 26/04/2014 22:54

God, the last thing I'd do would be leave my newborn with my boyfriend overnight if he couldn't be arsed getting up with her due to her gender!!

If he's only out of the house four hours a day with his gran then I'd get him more involved with dd in the day to give you a break before he has her overnight. Are you ff ing?

Theyaremysunshine · 27/04/2014 05:04

Absolutely do NOT leave him overnight with her. If he's that much of an idiot he might actually leave her to cry.

I wouldn't honestly want my dd growing up with someone so bigoted. I'd kick him out. Sorry.

Homestart is available in a lot of places through your surestart centre to give help if you're not managing. They can send someone to help a bit. Talk to your HV too.

BuzzardBird · 27/04/2014 05:27

I'm sorry but I think it is a massive red flag that he feels uncomfortable looking after a baby girl. I couldn't get past that.

Original poster
me271234 · 27/04/2014 07:04

Thank you for your reply guys, yes he does go down his grans as sometimes I will go down with him. I absolutely agree his excuse is a disgrace, I really don't know what his real problem is it has to b something else? I am trying to keep this family together but it's getting harder by the day. I have been thinking maybe telling him nto and stay with his grans for a fee days, but then he's going to have even more of a luxury as won't have to lift a finger then, in reality so don't want to break up with him I love the guy but I am seriously peed off with him. Take last night for example I was feeding the baby @ 4 am I out her down on our bed and she was sick everywhere he didn't even bude to help me out I was trying to change her clean the sick calm her, I said can you hold her for a bit and he just huffed sonic hanged said don't bother. Oh and he also doesn't do bugger all round the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
me271234 · 27/04/2014 07:05

Sorry for the spelling guys it's hard when your using your phone and can't c the whole message lol. Plus I am super tired ;)

OP posts:
HolidayCriminal · 27/04/2014 07:08

So what is he good for?

Busymumto3dc · 27/04/2014 07:13

Op he isn't doing anything because he's getting away with it

You need to kick him into touch

He does 50% or he leaves

Mrsantithetic · 27/04/2014 07:13

He sounds like a complete wanker she you would be better off alone.

Ledkr · 27/04/2014 07:15

It's nothing to do with her sex , he's fucking lazy, end of.
That's why he doesn't have a job I presume.

I had a husband who never once got up with his children no matter how much I was struggling or begging.
I'm sorry to say I'm a very strong confident woman but I never changed him in 18 yrs.

He left me in the end for another woman , they have 2 young chikdren who he never gets up with either.
I however got remarried to a proper man and we share any nighttime disturbances.

That's not what you want to hear but it's true.

Lettucesnow · 27/04/2014 07:16

Please stop playing the martyr and saying to him "Don't bother" when he gets in a huff. You are playing right into his lazy hands. Say what you expect of him and expect it!

Meglet · 27/04/2014 07:40

I had an ex like this.

He never got up in the night for either dc and would get angry if I asked him. That's why he is an ex. I've done every night waking / vomit / nightmare in 7yrs but I also have the whole bed to myself.

Original poster
me271234 · 27/04/2014 08:17

It's ok guys I know it's harsh a word but you are right, I'm with him couse I fell I love with him, he used to b so sweet and catering and when we had our son we took it in turns with night feeds now he just can't be bothered and using a rediculously excuse, I think I'm going to tell him we need a break as I can't go on like this then hopefully he will realise his actions, your right I shouldn't say don't bother couse that's what's making him carry on being the lazy sod that he is, unfortunately he got made redundant not so long ago I would def love for him to get bc out to work I think it would make things better between us.

OP posts:
Busymumto3dc · 27/04/2014 08:45

Yes being together 20 hours a day might add to the stress

Has he only been like this since he was made redundant? Could he be depressed?

Original poster
me271234 · 27/04/2014 09:12

No not really I don't think he's depressed, he was like this before he was made redundant. He had just left again jus now to go to his grans, so he will have a nice break for a few a hours "poor thing", it has come to the point that I'm just not bothering talking to him in the mornings.

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 27/04/2014 09:35

He's a pig and you and your dcs deserve better.

Theyaremysunshine · 27/04/2014 11:02

Please don't continue to expose your dc to this because you "love" him. This is not love. Love is about respect, friendship and care and putting the other person first.

If your life partner can watch you on your knees with exhaustion and not only fail to offer help, but actively refuse to help when asked, over and over, they do not respect or love you.

Original poster
me271234 · 27/04/2014 11:51

That's exactly what I am thinking, I have thought the same and even told him that, if he loved me, cared for me, respected me he would be willing to do anything for me. It upsets me to think that he just couldn't give a crap about me, I don't know what to think. I said to him if u asked me to go something for u I would do anything and he said so would I apart from doing night feeds " I mean wtf"

OP posts:
Busymumto3dc · 27/04/2014 12:07

Give him a nice list of stuff to do then

Housework
Take dc out for a walk
Go shopping
Cook
Etc

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 12:08

What a lazy fucker he is, and a terrible role model for children of either gender