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Original poster

Boyfriend won't get up for night feeds!!

125 replies

me271234 · 26/04/2014 21:55

Any advice people, we have just had another baby a baby girl "well I say just she's just come out of hospital ftee being born @ 25 weeks prem" we are ao delighted to have her home, we do also have a toddler who is 18 months old so it is a very busy houses, anyway I will cut to the chase, me or my partner are not working at the moment, he does leave the house for 4 hours a day to visit his gran who needs to b cares for, so I am @ home with the two kids, I am so exhausted as our newborn is very noisy and doesn't sleep to good not to mention she feeds twice in the night, what I am trying to say is that my boyfriend refuses point blank to getting up to do even 1 feed, he literally tells me he finds it wierd as she is a girl " to me that's an excuse". It's getting to the point now that I am starting to resent him, he gets to lay in bed all night and every morning whilst I feed trough the night and also get up with the kids, I am @y wits end he doesn't work so why can't he help me, I am so frustrated with him and he knows that bit just doesn't seem to care. When we had our son "1st born" we took it in turns from day 1 gettin up with him but now he doesn't even want to compromise, I have talked an talked to him but he still refuses, I am stuck guys I don't know what more I can say or do, I feel like I am getting depressed. So need some advice please

OP posts:
Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 27/04/2014 12:19

I can't believe someone suggested you leave his overnight. I mean seriously, are you a mother??

This must be so frustrating. I am a realist, at this time you options are limited. The only thing you can do, that stands a chance of working and doesn't disrupt the lives of your children is to wait for a calm moment, when both are sleeping and you are relaxed and talk to him.

Tell him that you are desperate. Tell him that you can kind of understand his concerns about your baby being a girl (even though you don't and quite frankly it's utter nonsense!) but it is causing you real hardship, especially as you know that he can be supportive as he was with his first. Don't call him daft, don't shout at him, just talk, ask, explain, talk.

It's not the drama that some mumsnetters hope for, but at this point in your life, it really is the only realistic alternative and could reap rewards.

Of it doesn't, he proves himself to be a twat of the high test order.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 27/04/2014 12:24

I am guessing he is young, he is unemployed and he is two young children.

He needs to grow up. But give him a chance. He did it with his first, so he proved that he can do it. To just dismiss him as a lazy fucker is not really helping the op.

ExBrightonBell · 27/04/2014 12:49

What is his rationale for not helping with his daughter when he did help with his son? I can't understand why the child's gender affects whether he'll help.

Is he from a culture that values girls less than boys?

Not that his reasons matter in terms of what you need to do next, but I am just struggling to understand his point of view.

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AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 13:10

He is a lazy fucker

Glossing over it doesn't help either

"Give hima chance to prove himself" ...eh ?

he knows what having dc involves, he has done it once. he cannot use ignorance or naivety to explain away not pulling his weight. He doesn't deserve any rationalisations or excuses for what is shitty behaviour.

Foodylicious · 27/04/2014 13:22

Can't see what you are or your dc are getting out of this relationship at all. I would suggest you need to kick himout. Don't tell him its just for a few days either or he won't take you seriously.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 27/04/2014 13:23

So any, what's your advise.

She's just brought home a baby girl and has an 18 month old. Presumably money is tight as not working. Her partner did equal share with previous baby, and being an immature fool now. Surely, it'd worth trying.

But even if it's not, what are you suggesting?

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 27/04/2014 13:25

I suspect that posters suggesting that the Op leave the bastard had newborns and young children many many years ago and, with the passage of time, you have forgotten actually what the reality is.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 27/04/2014 13:27

God, the last thing I'd do would be leave my newborn with my boyfriend overnight if he couldn't be arsed getting up with her due to her gender!! as Cocktail said.

The man is clearly a twat.

Leave him now, you have 2 DCs to look after, you don't need another one. And you certainly don't need your DD growing up around a man who thinks that her gender is reason enough not to care for her.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 13:28

I would suggest it was ultimatum time

But Op might have to be prepared to go it alone. To me, that would be preferable to having a lazy, sexist self entitled bloke in the house.

If he goes, she can make sure she claims everything possible and that he tips up what he owes for the kids, so it is unlikely she would be worse off financially

As it stands, she would be better off asking family/friends for a bit of support and making it clear she can manage without him. If he wants to be part of this family, he has to be a full participant in it. It's the only way, as far as I am concerned.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 27/04/2014 13:31

I know exactly what the reality is, I have 3 DCs and my ex got a job away from home 2 weeks after DD (the 3rd DC) was born, so I have looked after 3 DCs more or less alone. (I maintain that being a single parent is easier and happier than having a H who works away from home and still expects looking after when he gets home).

With the financial assistance available to single mums of under 5s the OP would be fine (and arguably better off) without this lazy shite hanging around getting in the way.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 27/04/2014 13:34

Ultimatum time is imminent in my opinion, but not quite there.

He proved himself well with the last baby.
He is unemployed and my guess is long term unemployed with no prospects (correct me if I am wrong Op, as you make no mention of him losing a job or one on the horizon). That very fact is going to affect him and likely cause lethargy.
He cares for his gran for four hours a day.

So, on the basis of the above, I would argue he deserves a chance as he has shown potential. I think taking first, and I know you say you have talked but be honest, has that mainly involved shouting and tears?

wonderstuff · 27/04/2014 13:34

Newborn or not, if he isn't doing anything round the house, not caring for his dd because she's a girl or bringing in any money then I can't see what the advantage of having him around would be. I suspect the OP would have less work and less stress going solo.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 27/04/2014 13:38

So the fact that it would be easier, is reason for a marriage or partnership breakdown? Yes, it might be easier in the short term. But what about in the ling term. If they work through this, and come out the other side, then the family remains together with the potential for happiness as a family unit, rather than split up and the implications of that for their daughters. Surely it's worth a shot? And simply because itnwoukd be easier in the long run is not really a good enough reason to end a family in my opinions

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 27/04/2014 13:40

Sorry, I meant easier in the short term.

TheXxed · 27/04/2014 13:42

Enjoying she did mention he was made redundant, she didn't specify when though.

Foodylicious · 27/04/2014 14:15

Also, just to ask to get a clearer picture
is he looking for work?
How long has he looked after his gran for?
does looking after his gran stop him getting a job, is he using this as a reason for not getting a job?
What would happen to his gran if he went back to work?
is he recognised as a 'carer' is this whst she needs- does he get any carers allowance, who looks after her at night?

Original poster
me271234 · 27/04/2014 14:53

At the moment I can't even b bothered to talk to him & he has logged on to the fact that I am not happy with him, so he had just sent me to bed, although nothing has changed. Think I'm going to do the silent treatment for a bit c how that goes, then the list will come out.

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 27/04/2014 14:56

Whst do you mean 'sent you to bed' do yiu mean he had said he will lok after bith dc while you have a nap. Or that he has sent you to bed like a naughty chilld???

Original poster
me271234 · 27/04/2014 15:04

Wow thank u for all your comments I am overwhelmed. I know he can prove himself as said in comments he has done this with our 1st born. I don't want to end this relationship @ the moment I'm a firm believe of making things work, I fell in love with the guy from the get go and the feelings r still there I know he's a decent guy. I'm going to have to have another heart to heart with him tell h to shape up and if this doesn't work then obviously a decision has to b made, I do have loads of support from my family they have been amazing. He was made redundant dang a few months back, he has always joint cared for his gran with his dad they sort of take it in turns, he is looking for work "maybe not as much as I would like him to though" once he does get back into work that's when his dad will take over fully looking after his gran. I didn't decided to have kids with a man who I didn't think I wanted to spend the rest of my life with so surely it's worth trying to save atleast? And like I said if it still can't get resolved then it will b make or break. P.S I do think he is quite lazy and does need a kick up the arse which I will try my very best to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
me271234 · 27/04/2014 15:05

Sorry he sent me to bed to get some sleep lol so he's looking after the little ones as we spk

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 27/04/2014 16:02

Thats good op, sounds kike you both have some tough work ahead, but sounds like its worth it. Good luck

Busymumto3dc · 27/04/2014 16:03

Good luck working through things op

tribpot · 27/04/2014 16:08

I know he's a decent guy

No decent guy would refuse to get up to his child in the night on the grounds she was a girl.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 16:35

Absolutely true, trib

There is no way to gloss over that particular statement

he either does it (not under sufferance) or he fucks off

ExBrightonBell · 27/04/2014 16:54

It would be a deal breaker for me it has to be said.

However, there is the outside chance that this is some kind of aberration and the OP's partner is not always like this. I can see why she wants to at least give him a chance to redeem himself. He'd need to apologise and do his bit without complaint for me to feel like he'd taken it seriously.