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Parenting

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Original poster

Boyfriend won't get up for night feeds!!

125 replies

me271234 · 26/04/2014 21:55

Any advice people, we have just had another baby a baby girl "well I say just she's just come out of hospital ftee being born @ 25 weeks prem" we are ao delighted to have her home, we do also have a toddler who is 18 months old so it is a very busy houses, anyway I will cut to the chase, me or my partner are not working at the moment, he does leave the house for 4 hours a day to visit his gran who needs to b cares for, so I am @ home with the two kids, I am so exhausted as our newborn is very noisy and doesn't sleep to good not to mention she feeds twice in the night, what I am trying to say is that my boyfriend refuses point blank to getting up to do even 1 feed, he literally tells me he finds it wierd as she is a girl " to me that's an excuse". It's getting to the point now that I am starting to resent him, he gets to lay in bed all night and every morning whilst I feed trough the night and also get up with the kids, I am @y wits end he doesn't work so why can't he help me, I am so frustrated with him and he knows that bit just doesn't seem to care. When we had our son "1st born" we took it in turns from day 1 gettin up with him but now he doesn't even want to compromise, I have talked an talked to him but he still refuses, I am stuck guys I don't know what more I can say or do, I feel like I am getting depressed. So need some advice please

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 23:21

ha !

findingherfeet · 29/04/2014 10:52

Blimey! Does everyone's partners do or share night feeds?!

My husband doesn't... First child I breastfed so he wasn't much help but I'm bottle feeding new baby and just getting on with it (while he sleeps on the sofa)

He does work (very hard) is loving and caring towards us and helps at home and I'm sure if I really needed a night off he would but it would be a one off.

Having a new baby is exhausting especially when you have another child so don't get any down time but I can't be the only one who does the night feeds/majority of child care alone? I don't see this as a reason to split....your partner not contributing otherwise perhaps....

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 29/04/2014 10:53

But OP's partner is not currently working, feet.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

findingherfeet · 29/04/2014 11:38

But even then I'm surprised...it seems to be assumed that this man is lazy (and young! Why does that matter??) we don't actually know his circumstances. what I mean is that, is it that unusual for mums to do lion share of night feeds etc just because they are, well, mum? And that lots of men (and woman) have this attitude consciously or otherwise? (I'm not saying this is right or wrong but I'm surprised that the consensus is he should be doing 50/50 I would have thought far more people would have similar experiences to OP)

If my husband was to loose his job tomorrow, I don't think I'd expect him to do 'exactly half' of the night shift...I'd expect him to contribute and help in other ways absolutely but not necessarily feeding baby at night, as tired as I am i do think it's important for me to be there...I don't know maybe I'm just soft and not thinking straight as currently experiencing the joys of night feeds and caring for toddler. OP you have my sympathy, it's exhausting!

Also fair point made about baby having been in special care and dad being scared to care for her, it can be terrifying to see tiny/helpless/fragile babies with all the machines etc around them. It could also be possible that this experience has impacted upon dad's bond and confidence with little one...just a thought.

Original poster

me271234 · 29/04/2014 12:01

I understand what your saying feet and I agree in parts of it, I do believe he is old fashioned "he's actually 38, do there's no excuse of being young". The point that I am trying to make is that we shared nightly feeds when I first was born, but he is not willing to do the same now? Even when he knows it's harder work? I haven't told him I want him to do every night, I am just saying for him to help me out maybe just one feed now and then in the night, the fact that I sat down crying telling him how tried I was and if he could plz get up once that night to feed her and e just blantenly said no. Can you justify that? It is totall exhausting looking after 2 kids under 2 & he should realise that. I understand some of your point of views but don't console some of them. I agree when u say as she was in hospital for so long he feels like he can't handle properly etc as she is and has been so tiny & fragile and it was hard for us both to adjust to her coming home as she was in hospital for 4 months it took a while for it to sink in.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 29/04/2014 12:30

finding did you miss the bit where this bloke is refusing to care for his child in the night because of her gender ?

AnyFucker · 29/04/2014 12:32

OP, have you spoken to him again about this yet ? Surely this thread has fired you up into not accepting this ridiculous state of affairs ?

findingherfeet · 29/04/2014 12:33

I'm afraid I agree he's being a complete arse if you're asking for some help and he is just saying no....you're entirely justified in your complaint particularly if he's not contributing or helping in other ways..

Having a poorly baby in hospital and another little one sounds dreadfully hard.

I was just surprised by other posts that there was an expectation that you both do 50/50 of the nights because in my experience and of the couples I know, this doesn't actually happen.

Could you spell out to him how he could help you and the children in other ways if he's not budging on the nights...getting up first to get kids dressed/breakfast etc? So that you come to some arrangement where you don't feel you are unsupported in doing everything.

Or are you at the stage like others have suggested that you want to separate?

findingherfeet · 29/04/2014 12:48

I just read the 'she's a girl' bit as nonsense, a very lame excuse.

If he actually means this then I can only assume this is about fear? If she's tiny or as she's been so unwell??

If OP genuinely thinks he means this just as an anti girl baby thing - then I'm afraid I think he's an idiot!

AnyFucker · 29/04/2014 12:53

he meant "because she is a girl"....Op was quite clear on that, why would you try and minimise it on his behalf ?

Original poster

me271234 · 29/04/2014 13:04

I haven't discussed the issue with him again but I know it will arise again, it's come to the point where I can't b botherd to argue about it again. He has made more of an effort with her the last couple of days but still he won't bude on the night feeds, the last couple of nights out toddler has woke up screaming so he has gone in to deal with him but then ends up sleeping In toddlers room on spare bed, some off thinks he does that just an excuse so that I for wake him up with the baby. I'm just fed up with mentioning it to b honest it falls on deaths ears.

OP posts:

Original poster

me271234 · 29/04/2014 13:06

With regards to him getting the kids up "there's no chance" he told me the other day that he gets up with our toddler, that's complete rubbish couse I get up with the kids every lording whilst he stays in bed.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 29/04/2014 13:07

You sound quite low, tied and downtrodden. Not a good place to be in.

AnyFucker · 29/04/2014 13:08

*tired

Original poster

me271234 · 29/04/2014 13:58

Yeah I spose I am

OP posts:

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 29/04/2014 19:16

Me, you do sound low. How often are you up a night?
When you ask him outright, when you actually say that you feel weak with tiredness and so sad, and you desperately need him to raise his game and help feed his baby, what does he say? Just no?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 29/04/2014 19:56

Feet, in many couples the mother is BF and even when FF, in many more couples the mother is on maternity leave whilst the father is working. So for the majority it's not 50:50 but here, why shouldn't it be? And certainly not 100:0!'

Busymumto3dc · 29/04/2014 20:00

We ff all of our dc. I probably did about 90% of the feeds but dp would help in other ways e.g. Around the house, with older dc etc

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 29/04/2014 21:03

Was

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 29/04/2014 21:03

Was he out

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 29/04/2014 21:03

..of work at the time ?

Original poster

me271234 · 29/04/2014 21:49

Well we haven't discussed it again lately, but when I did he just blantenly said no he wasn't getting up to do it. He says things like he doesn't feel comfortable etc, & that I am much better with her " but how the hell is he going to get better if he doesn't do jack". We r in the process of moving so in fairness the last couple of days he has been decorating the new place but for only a few hours a day but he still had his full nights kip, I mean I'm starting to believe I am asking to much? Our baby gets up twice in the night for a feed but I am there for an hour for her 1st feed then @ get second feed she just doesn't settle afterwards so I an up and down then our toddler will wake up @ half 6-7.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 29/04/2014 21:53

You are not asking too much. You are being a martyr.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 29/04/2014 23:36

Dies he di

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 29/04/2014 23:37

Does he do absolutely everything for your toddler and everything about the house that's not to do with your baby girl, to make up for the fact that he wants you to do 100% there?

No, thought not.

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