My mom is suggesting my DH is sexually inappropriate with my 33mo dd

[daddledaddle]

Today my mom and I were talking about the fact that my husband and I speak about preventing sexual abuse of our daughter. I'm a child psychiatrist and have seen enough clients to know the damage. So we are teaching her proper anatomical terms, and have decided to limit any real "alone time" with any men when we are not there. Including friends/family--of course.

Then my mom says the last time we were visiting (she lives in the states, we're in UK) she saw my DH playing w my dd in a way that was inappropriate. She told me he was bouncing her up and down in a way that was either "stimulating" to her or simulating sex. I've certainly seen it before--he'll lay on his back on the couch w her straddled facing away and bounce her, or just sitting up on his lap. I've certainly thought it could look provocative to an outsider who wanted to impugn negative intent , but I figured she's having an amazing time being bounced around like mad. But apparently my mom was appalled, but not enough to question him, or tell me, until today (this would have happened in September).

Now a caveat it that my mother doesn't like my DH, and when I told her I wanted to marry him she proceeded to tell me he was emotionally abusive, and asked if I was sure he wasn't in love w his (gay) best friend, that he didn't have HIV, and all sorts of other not so helpful things.

So of course I need to take this seriously, even though my mother has a lot of anger about my moving out of the country and marrying a man she doesn't like. I will certainly say something the next time he bounces her like that. He is otherwise completely appropriate (if what he's doing is inappropriate). I certainly am not going to confront him or tell him my mom said it.

Of course I was dumbfounded as to how my mom would have waited till now to say anything and she said there was already such a rift how would it sound if she said that, and also said that since I'm the psychiatrist I should have known or something--huh? Anyway she seemed to think is never seen the bouncing and was surprised I had.

Spam me with ideas on how to deal with the both of them. By the way, he is perhaps socially awkward/unclear about how to be polite (due to rude parents) but I don't think he's molesting our child.

I can't find the post with the other site and don't want to re-read the entire post can whoever posted repost please? Thanks so much.

Drank... You are stuck in mumsnet world. EA is not used in psychiatry.

(you used the term EA in your own OP btw) (by-the-way)

Or in catch-a-paedo world either, I imagine.

Ok, for that, I apologise. But not for the rest. This is still bollocks.

Is this whole thread even legit?

Yes drank, the full term. Not EA.

Although my psychologist friend uses it. Maybe psychologists do, and psychiatrists don't.

Enjoyingmycoffee - do you really think she's a psychiatrist?

She might be Borset, who knows. She might even really think (in collusion with her mother) that her husband is a potential abuser. But I would put my hand through flames that she is also trying to publicise her website.

See, it would all have been weird, but ultimately believable, had she not thrown the "because I saw this paedo catcher website on Facebook" thing in.

The language she uses overall isn't that of a highly trained professional, even if you take into account the fact that she is not from the UK and remove all the rubbish.

Enjoying - I didn't actually get the term from here, considering I was in an EA relationship that ended over 10 years ago. Most of the support I've been finding for my friend uses the term and she's not even bothered with MN.

I think you need to stop spending so much time with your mother. Cut the apron strings. She sounds like trouble for your marriage.

I think the report button must be broken.

Daddle

I don't know what clinical, peer and management supervision is like in the USA for mental health professionals but I can assure you that in the UK we would consider this totally appropriate a subject for supervision.

Why? Know thyself.

A therapist working with vulnerable people MUST examine everything about her own life and attitudes especially when they impact upon practice. And this clearly can, will and does impact upon practice. Your lived life is not separate from your working life. Indeed a lot of Mental Health professionals (particularly nurses) value models in which interpersonal relationships aid the forward movement of clients from illness to wellness. Therapist and client work together so both become increasingly knowledgeable and mature via this process. Your personality is a tool.

Anything impacting upon the psychological wellbeing of a therapist is valid material for supervision.

None of the HCP or social workers or teachers I know would ever ever post a thread like this

Just coming on to say that this is entirely appropriate to bring to supervision-in fact it is essential that you do-but I see that I have been beaten to it.

I have been debating whether to post on this thread because of possible trolling and have name changed as I am fairly identifiable from my other posts. I thought on balance that I would post in case anyone was in the same dilemma and felt that they didn't know what to do.

I think the problem is with OP's mother and she needs to seriously consider no contact or much more limited contact.

I was in a similar situation to the one OP purports to be in. My mum accused my husband of sexually molesting my older daughter then aged about 14 because she was sitting on his lap. This "incident" took place in front of other family members.

I went no contact with my mum and stepfather as a result, this was some years ago. I believe my mum was the victim of sexual abuse as a young child from a neighbour and her mum did not believe her; her own father died when she was very young and her first marriage was extremely abusive. I think my mum has a personality disorder. When I had children myself, she flipped and became much more toxic, she has symptoms which fit with borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder.

My mum always hated my husband and was rude and nasty, though I have known my husband 20 years and there is not a hint of abuse of any sort. We put up with it because we felt sorry for her.

I have one sibling who lives in the far east. She comes over every two years and pays for my mum to visit her in the other year. My mum stays in a hotel and contact is limited. This might be an idea for OP.

In regard to limited contact with males, I think that is very short sighted. Your daughter needs to develop normal relationships. My daughters were left alone with male teachers etc from a fairly young age (one had a male key worker at nursery when she was 3). Women can be abusers too unfortunately.

With respect to the 1 in 4 women being abused. If that counts groping etc which I and my peers experienced from total strangers, boys in school etc from the age of about 11, I would say it is more like 100 per cent. The way to deal with it is to talk to your daughter about what is acceptable behaviour and what is not.

OP if you are genuine, I would strongly suggest retraining in another branch of medicine and getting away from your toxic mother.

Borset, I think she is talking horse shit about being a psychiatrist

I think the entire thing is horse shit and pretty unsavoury

How much training does a child psychiatrist need before fully qualified?

About 15 years!

Wow!

You're not.

It's not good is it? This is the second thread I can think of recently where there has been a significant delay in reporting and action taken. Last time I had to email Justine to get a deletion of a troll on a bereavement thread

Somebody start a thread in Site Stuff. I can't quite work up the energy.