My mom is suggesting my DH is sexually inappropriate with my 33mo dd

[daddledaddle]

Today my mom and I were talking about the fact that my husband and I speak about preventing sexual abuse of our daughter. I'm a child psychiatrist and have seen enough clients to know the damage. So we are teaching her proper anatomical terms, and have decided to limit any real "alone time" with any men when we are not there. Including friends/family--of course.

Then my mom says the last time we were visiting (she lives in the states, we're in UK) she saw my DH playing w my dd in a way that was inappropriate. She told me he was bouncing her up and down in a way that was either "stimulating" to her or simulating sex. I've certainly seen it before--he'll lay on his back on the couch w her straddled facing away and bounce her, or just sitting up on his lap. I've certainly thought it could look provocative to an outsider who wanted to impugn negative intent , but I figured she's having an amazing time being bounced around like mad. But apparently my mom was appalled, but not enough to question him, or tell me, until today (this would have happened in September).

Now a caveat it that my mother doesn't like my DH, and when I told her I wanted to marry him she proceeded to tell me he was emotionally abusive, and asked if I was sure he wasn't in love w his (gay) best friend, that he didn't have HIV, and all sorts of other not so helpful things.

So of course I need to take this seriously, even though my mother has a lot of anger about my moving out of the country and marrying a man she doesn't like. I will certainly say something the next time he bounces her like that. He is otherwise completely appropriate (if what he's doing is inappropriate). I certainly am not going to confront him or tell him my mom said it.

Of course I was dumbfounded as to how my mom would have waited till now to say anything and she said there was already such a rift how would it sound if she said that, and also said that since I'm the psychiatrist I should have known or something--huh? Anyway she seemed to think is never seen the bouncing and was surprised I had.

Spam me with ideas on how to deal with the both of them. By the way, he is perhaps socially awkward/unclear about how to be polite (due to rude parents) but I don't think he's molesting our child.

I do believe that you are a psychiatrist - it does not ring true.

Seriously, you don't leave her alone with men?!?

*Do not believe

Just had to look deeper into this.

This "mama bear" organisation has designed an app you install on your child's phone and describes it this:

"Using the GPS feature on kids’ smartphones and their Facebook logins, the iPhone app can notify parents when the child is late to school; when they arrive at a “restricted place,” like a bad-influence friend’s house or an unsafe location; when they use curse words on Facebook; when they get tagged in photos; or when they’re driving over the speed limit."

WTAF?

Oh, you mean unhinged bear?

You limit time with men? As a "child psychiatrist" you are obviously aware that men are not the only ones who abuse. Very unhealthy message to be sending to your dd.

I find it very disturbing when adults find sexual motivation in normal, innocent children's play. Would be very unhappy to have that sort of person around my child.

Assuming everything you've said was true then surely you can see your mother is a vile and toxic liar?

Seriously though if you micro-manage your children's lives to that extent how on earth can you expect them to make good, safe choices as adults.

Barmy. And to think this site is being promoted by someone who is (or wants us to believe she is) a child health professional. Beggars belief as my granny would say.

If my parents had had this app on a phone and it went off every time I was at a "bad-influence friend's house", they'd have never got any peace

Yes , it's plugging a website.

I'm slightly irritated

"those of you who exp abuse as children and toddlers, would you not appreciate my concern?"

Perhaps if you want to ask a question you could make it sound a bit less like 'oi, you lot - you agree with me don't you'

OP- what does your supervisor say about this?

You had me until the website plug.

"One in four children will experience sexual abuse".....this seems like an alarmingly high statistic?! Surely this can't be right?

This op is really, really weird

I mean REALLY weird

I'm not usually a person to worry about shit like this but alarm bells are ringing

BotBoticelli the "1 in 4" statistic is commonly used in Ireland at least. (E.g. www.oneinfour.ie/about/)

I'd imagine the statistics may be fairly similar elsewhere (but I don't know if or how it distinguishes from isolated incidents and ongoing systemic abuse - not that I would dismiss isolated incidents at all, of course)

Is this shit still here?

Very sceptical !

I was out with family for the day, still here. I didn't know you're not supposed to post websites, and have gotten lots of help from other people's posts with website links. Anyway I read the policy and I've asked admin to remove that post because I don't want any newcomers to see it and because things are getting nasty. I didn't expect to find so many cynics questioning the veracity of my own request for help!

Anyway a child psychiatry training is not a training in parenting. You do not have to be a child psychiatrist to be a parent nor a parent to be a child psychiatrist. Child psychiatrists are humans first and I posted my human story for some help. I think I've gotten it from those who've offered it. I'm trying really hard not to respond to the negativity--I certainly can't complain since I posted this publicly.

I'm sure if I decide to bow out people will say its proof I'm plugging that site but if I stick around I'll just get more abuse. Undecided.

Not terribly helpful I'm afraid, but I found the first paragraph really weird/creepy. You sound almost obsessed with the potential, how much time do you really give up to thinking/talking about your DD being hypothetically sexually abused? Of course your DH bouncing your DD on his lap is not weird, but something obviously creeps you and your DM out by the tone of your post.

Why am I laughing so hard at "unhinged bear"?

It could very well be real, I have a good friend who is a therapist and she is extremely paranoid about her daughter being molested.

I do think you've had it a bit tough on here. It sounds like your mother is bit of an EA and that can totally warp the thinking of anyone even someone who you'd expect better of. I'm supporting a friend at the moment who's moving away from an EA relationship with her mother and her XH and it is surprising how often I have to say "but you know that's not true" to her. I guess you know all that though from your job.

I think your past experience with your mother, the way she reacted to your marriage, says all really. She is jealous of your husband, she doesn't like that he is protecting you from her EA and she is hitting hard with whatever she can. You know the truth in this situation, as tough as it is you need to ignore her.

I think the suggestion of asking your supervisor about this is a good one, talking through the affect she is having on your life too.

It's not that you posted a link that people are in arms about, it's because they think you posted just to post a link. I didn't read it that way though. I have read through that article and it seems a little suffocating to me, the other one that was posted was far more sensible IMO.

Thanks confuddledDOTcom for your comments. I don't know what EA means and it's not in the acronyms but I get the picture. I never expected my mom to turn into this person, and get worse when we had a baby. She keeps saying nasty things (this is the worst) and then saying " we used to be so close but now we 're not ... "

Unfortunately this kind of thing is not appropriate for a supervisor per se as it is completely personal. It would be something to take to a therapist, but in truth as a person who's had lots of therapy (as all psychiatrists should), what I really wanted was a mass of opinions. That's the opposite of what a therapist would give.

Even the nastiest of comments here has helped me to get some perspective on my mom's horrible comments, and her taking advantage of and playing on my fears. The thought of sucking my friends into the drama, and forcing them to consider my DH this way and the destruction that would ensue... This has been far better. As it is, if he were to ever know this entire thread even happened, much less the accusation, he would be destroyed.

I will look at the other site. What I liked about the unhinged bear site is that it addressed what is appropriate for children to know and understand.l based on age/ developmental stage, and also what will make a child seem vulnerable to a perp. There was disturbing and enlightening data from research done with convicts. Again they don't teach this in parenting school or child psych training. Anyway, off to check out the other site. And put dd in bed she's asleep on my lap.

You're a psychiatrist and don't know what EA stands for?

I'm a TEFL teacher, and I do.

PS, word to the wise for when you come back and try and plug your website again. Your language (see, as a linguist, this I do feel qualified to comment on) changes completely when you start talking about your website. You use normal language until you get to that bit. Then you launch into your delivering-powerpoint-presentation-sell-speak.

You might still have had some credibility if you hadn't put that last paragraph. But you're just flogging it, aren't you? If you ask HQ, they might even let you advertise it, see, but you do have to ask first.

Ok you are too much. I'm not from the UK and I have no idea what ea is. Evil asshole? What the hell is Teffl? Give me a break. Now who's paranoid? I am now officially done. Thanks to those of you who could see beyond your own noses and be of help. Best of luck to the rest of you.

" What I liked about the unhinged bear site is that it addressed what is appropriate for children to know and understand.l based on age/ developmental stage, and also what will make a child seem vulnerable to a perp."

Surely this is fundamental to your training - you sound ridiculous OP. You do know that impersonating a Doctor in England is illegal don't you?

Emotional Abuse and Teaching English as a Foreign Language.

Both acronyms also used in the States.

HTH. (hope-that-helps)