My mom is suggesting my DH is sexually inappropriate with my 33mo dd

[daddledaddle]

Today my mom and I were talking about the fact that my husband and I speak about preventing sexual abuse of our daughter. I'm a child psychiatrist and have seen enough clients to know the damage. So we are teaching her proper anatomical terms, and have decided to limit any real "alone time" with any men when we are not there. Including friends/family--of course.

Then my mom says the last time we were visiting (she lives in the states, we're in UK) she saw my DH playing w my dd in a way that was inappropriate. She told me he was bouncing her up and down in a way that was either "stimulating" to her or simulating sex. I've certainly seen it before--he'll lay on his back on the couch w her straddled facing away and bounce her, or just sitting up on his lap. I've certainly thought it could look provocative to an outsider who wanted to impugn negative intent , but I figured she's having an amazing time being bounced around like mad. But apparently my mom was appalled, but not enough to question him, or tell me, until today (this would have happened in September).

Now a caveat it that my mother doesn't like my DH, and when I told her I wanted to marry him she proceeded to tell me he was emotionally abusive, and asked if I was sure he wasn't in love w his (gay) best friend, that he didn't have HIV, and all sorts of other not so helpful things.

So of course I need to take this seriously, even though my mother has a lot of anger about my moving out of the country and marrying a man she doesn't like. I will certainly say something the next time he bounces her like that. He is otherwise completely appropriate (if what he's doing is inappropriate). I certainly am not going to confront him or tell him my mom said it.

Of course I was dumbfounded as to how my mom would have waited till now to say anything and she said there was already such a rift how would it sound if she said that, and also said that since I'm the psychiatrist I should have known or something--huh? Anyway she seemed to think is never seen the bouncing and was surprised I had.

Spam me with ideas on how to deal with the both of them. By the way, he is perhaps socially awkward/unclear about how to be polite (due to rude parents) but I don't think he's molesting our child.

Oh my word, your mother would have a field day with my husband and I. We are constantly doing that, and much 'worse'. Latest game is 'nip nip', which involves me chasing the children around the house, trying to pull down their underwear and nip their bottoms!

This has made me very sad. Your mother sounds deeply and profoundly unpleasant. It is her that I would worry about beg around my daughter.

wow. this is sad.

I find it hard to believe and a bit worrying that you're a child psychiatrist. You seem really lacking in insight and self awareness, Facebook isn't generally regarded as an authoritative source of advice on child abuse.

What a terribly sad thread to post about.

1. Your mother is insanely jealous of you and is trying to split you and your DH up.

1. Not leaving her alone with other men will make her scared of men.

1. Bouncing your dd on his knee is not sexually motivated at all. I am embarrassed that, as a Child Psychologist, you would think that.

1. You need to step away from your vile mother and not share so much stuff with her.

1. I wonder if you should change profession.

As a psychiatrist you should no better than to follow the advice of a group called "mama bears".

I would hope that being a person in the position to influence vulnerable people that you would be capable of independent thought.

This is becoming more of a 'thing' I fear.

I know a couple of men who won't bath their toddler DDs for fear of someone saying it's inappropriate.

What has the world come to?

OP, please don't make your DP feel like he's abusing your child when he is just playing a very normal game with her.

That's just nonsense. He sounds like a normal dad.

I've been a child psychiatrist, and I've had my children be the patients of child psychiatrists because they have Tourettes. Trust me, a lot of child psychiatrists are too inward looking and see problems where there are none.

daddledaddle just relax and enjoy being a parent.

Your mum's comments are insane and pretty vile actually. I hope she doesn't repeat these comments to other members of your family.

Whoa ! Facebook? For advice about childhood sexual abuse?

What is the world coming to???

I should say some child psych are very good.

Do you spend any time round normal families- to see normal interactions?

This is pretty good advice.

You claim to be a psychologist and you're into the victim blaming mama bear shit?

Your whole post worries me. You should be aware it's not only men who abuse children for a start. And that the vast majority of men don't. I can understand if you work with survivors it will warp your perception of it but you need to get a grip before you damage your child yourself.

And your mother sounds jealous.

I feel very, very sad for all concerned.

HaymitchAbarnathy Wed 02-Apr-14 07:32:57
"I find it hard to believe and a bit worrying that you're a child psychiatrist. You seem really lacking in insight and self awareness, Facebook isn't generally regarded as an authoritative source of advice on child abuse."

This.

And I am another one whose family have had plenty of involvement with child psyhcologists and psychiatrists (health problems).

Fortunately here in the UK I have always found them sensible and level-headed people who are well educated and independent thinkers and consequently don't go looking for advice on how to do their work on strange Facebook sites.

How do you expect to be able to keep your child safe if you encourage the hysterical attitude that all men are dangerous? Pretty soon she will work out for herself that mummy doesn't have a clue- and then she won't believe anything you say. And then you will have lost that ability to keep her safe.

Surely one of the most important things we can do to keep our children safe is to make them believe in us as reasonable, calm, level-headed purveyors of information that actually works. My children (now teenagers) know that I don't overreact. Consequently they know that when I do react they need to pay attention.

Ime the children who were most vulnerable to sexual exploitation once of school age were the ones whose parents were obsessed with inappropriate sex and saw it everywhere.

Bizarre of you to want to exclude all male contact.
I know fuck all about psych stuff but I can tell you that is catastrophically unhealthy.

Get some help for your issues.

I agree with others that you are overreacting and your Mum is talking nonsense.

Also meant to say that I'm another one who thinks it"s bizzare of you to want to limit all male contact. Your daughter might grow up being scared of men if you do this.

As a practicing psychiatrist you should be having regular supervision with a trusted senior colleague.

Given the things you are posting, you might want to raise in supervision some of your anxieties about potential abuse of your children in the future, as it seems your work might be starting to impact your parenting.

Alternatively, try reading back your posts as if it were one of your patients. What advice would you give them?

I'm pretty sure you'd minimise their concerns about DH (sounds like normal parenting to me) and focus on the relationship with DM.

i cant believe as a professional you are reading posts on FB and considering them as advice. i think you need to consider what you do for a living and what you read.

as for your mother, completely toxic and unhinged.

And you say you are a child psychiatrist?

Time to leave the work AT WORK I think.

Child psychologist??? Child psychologist???

My arse. You refer to FB and mumsnet for advise on this issue? It's like a GP going on the General Health section and asking what to do as she thinks her child has chickenpox.

And if you are, god help the children who come to see you.

1. If you are a psychologist, you are certainly not a very good one.

1. Your mother sounds absolutely toxic. If you don't want her to ruin your marriage, I'd keep her VERY much at arm's length. Limit your DD's time with other men? I'm afraid I'd be more worried about alone time with her grandmother, which sounds as if it'd be used to poison your little girl against her dad and feed her hysterical nonsense about sexual abuse.

Wake up to your nasty piece of work of a mother and see how much you have internalised her utterly warped outlook.