My mom is suggesting my DH is sexually inappropriate with my 33mo dd

[daddledaddle]

Today my mom and I were talking about the fact that my husband and I speak about preventing sexual abuse of our daughter. I'm a child psychiatrist and have seen enough clients to know the damage. So we are teaching her proper anatomical terms, and have decided to limit any real "alone time" with any men when we are not there. Including friends/family--of course.

Then my mom says the last time we were visiting (she lives in the states, we're in UK) she saw my DH playing w my dd in a way that was inappropriate. She told me he was bouncing her up and down in a way that was either "stimulating" to her or simulating sex. I've certainly seen it before--he'll lay on his back on the couch w her straddled facing away and bounce her, or just sitting up on his lap. I've certainly thought it could look provocative to an outsider who wanted to impugn negative intent , but I figured she's having an amazing time being bounced around like mad. But apparently my mom was appalled, but not enough to question him, or tell me, until today (this would have happened in September).

Now a caveat it that my mother doesn't like my DH, and when I told her I wanted to marry him she proceeded to tell me he was emotionally abusive, and asked if I was sure he wasn't in love w his (gay) best friend, that he didn't have HIV, and all sorts of other not so helpful things.

So of course I need to take this seriously, even though my mother has a lot of anger about my moving out of the country and marrying a man she doesn't like. I will certainly say something the next time he bounces her like that. He is otherwise completely appropriate (if what he's doing is inappropriate). I certainly am not going to confront him or tell him my mom said it.

Of course I was dumbfounded as to how my mom would have waited till now to say anything and she said there was already such a rift how would it sound if she said that, and also said that since I'm the psychiatrist I should have known or something--huh? Anyway she seemed to think is never seen the bouncing and was surprised I had.

Spam me with ideas on how to deal with the both of them. By the way, he is perhaps socially awkward/unclear about how to be polite (due to rude parents) but I don't think he's molesting our child.

It's so sad we're getting to the point where people see peeeados round every corner to the stage where a dad's scared to bath his kids and eyed with suspicion for natural play.

Aside from the fact woman abuse as well OP.. are you just going to limit contact with the outside world?

I agree with whoever said upthread that you probably should address your anxietys with a work mate and tell your mother to wind her neck in.

Have you talked to your supervisor about this? Because I think you should-urgently. Certainly before you see another client.

The OP says she is a pyschiatrist not a psychologist - so she has a medical degree. It really is quite worrying.

This doesn't sound professional. Am in complete agreement with everyone else presently.

I find it interesting that you are not really talking about sexual abuse and the dangers of it, but seem to be keen to sexualize your own daughter, and that you yourself see the bouncing as Provocative... "I've certainly thought it could look provocative"

You give two examples, "stimulating" bouncing on your husbands "pubic bone" and dd having her face in her uncles crotch, and seek opinions on the sexual perceptions of this.

There is something very disturbing about this.

I dont understand how you as a "child psychiatrist" even think in these ways.

OP I think both yours and your mum's attitude is quite unhealthy and worrying.

I think, on reflection, I'm afraid that

a) this is all bollocks, you have wound us up and are now watching us go.
b) it's a bit of a reverse and you are a fully paid up member of whatever the fuck mama bears is
c) it's a reverse and it's crap you've been told by a so-called psychiatrist

Isn't bouncing a baby on knee a really common thing to do?
I've done it to countless babies, I've seen my partner do it with nephews and nieces. I've never thought to be sexual or that anyone would consider it to be sexual.

Frankly the only adult who is coming out of this sorry tale looking half way normal is your DH. How could you look at your own husband playing with his Daughter and even imagine anything innappropriate or assume that others would see it that way? Your poor DH.
Awful, awful thread.

THE LUNATICS ARE ON THE GRASS

Seeing as others are saying it, I'll say what I think too.

I don't believe you.

Are they on the grass because there is no room upon the hill?

What DrankSangria said.

Nice to see you Hully Where have you been?

hither and thither, K8, far and yon

"spam me with ideas on how to deal with the both of them"

Unless there is more to the story than your post, you need to deal with you mum, not your DH. He does not seem to have done anything wrong except for being somone you mum doesn't like!
I agree with the previous posters who say there is nothing sexually inappropiate in a father bouncing his daughter on his lap.

are you small and brightly-haired and live undera bridge?

I don't believe this for a second.

I'm sorry, but you're a child psychiatrist and you've given more than one second to some group on Facebook?

You and your mother are as bad as each other. Limiting 'alone time' with men is mad. Thinking that a father bouncing and playing with his child could 'certainly' 'look provocative' is mad.

Look to yourselves rather than throwing mud and innuendo at your poor husband.

Limiting or avoiding alone time with other men simply makes sense, especially when a child is far too young to tell anyone if there is a problem.

I think as far as your DP goes, only you can really tell if anything is inappropriate. It doesn't sound like it is. But you need to trust your judgement.

To everyone else - child sexual abuse is incredibly common. And usually it is carried out by family and friends. I think most people underestimate the risk their child is under.

That is ridiculous! He was playing with her. Nothing sexual about it. Also do you realise woman can sexual abuse as well !?! Are you going to stop her being alone with everyone apart from you !!!

Nice try OP. If you hadn't tried to make us believe you are a child psychiatrist it might have been more believable.

Still sad that someone could suggest a Dad bouncing a child on his lap could be sexual even as a joke/wind up.

:) Hully

Hully, you discusting specimen

I know this thread is, um, yeah well but my v good friend works in child protection and she cannot separate work from her own life. Her DC are stifled and trained to see sexual predators everywhere. Men with ornate belt buckles are trying to draw children's attention to their crotches. Her DC are banned from looking at things in gardens as they stroll past. You know gnomes and wind chimes and especially, Christmas lights. Paedophile tactic to draw victims in. List is endless.

Tbh I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP. A lot of us worry about sexual abuse in a society where sadly it is not uncommon. I do, but that certainly doesn't mean I spend time thinking about or dwelling on it, which would be depressing and drive you nuts. But you can still be aware of situations you might prefer to avoid. I don't think we need to assume that OP is obsessed about child safety and the fear of abuse. It sounds like a nonsensical scenario instigated by her mother which OP wished to get off her chest and have some sensible comment on without having to talk to RL friends who may know her through her professional, and the topic is embarrassing and may not be one you'd wish to chat to your mates about. Is it really ott to choose not to leave your small daughter alone with a man? OP didn't say she wished to avoid all male contact, and why would not leaving her dd alone with men affect her psychologically? Does anyone really think that a small child will even be aware that they have intentionally not been left alone with a man as their babysitter? Of course they won't! There are far more female babysitters and childminders out there than male, so many of our children will only have known a female babysitter. That's not weird. Of course, women abuse children too, so not leaving them with a male doesn't eliminate the risks of abuse. You can't get overly hung up on fear or you could never leave your child with anyone ever, you just have to choose people who you trust.

I have entirely wandered off the point, sorry! I agree that the initial 'problem' raised by the OPs mother is nonsense though, and definitely best not mentioned to the dad.

Christmas lights are a well known tool of paedomcphiliacs

1