Four months into potty training and about to give up

[Zelda]

After four months of sticker charts etc My DD (age 2 and a half) is still pooing on the floor or in her pants sometimes twice a day and weeing between once and four times a day. I should say that on a good day she will take herself to the potty do a wee and empty it into the toilet several times without any bother at all and at nursery she often doesn't wee all morning until we get home. I have never been as short tempered as i am over it at the moment and desperately don't want her to become anxious about it all. I think because I didn't make a fuss intially about poos and wees on the carpet - saying nevermind love just do it on the potty next time - she nows says to me nevermind Mummy it's alright and doesn't seem in the least bit bothered by it. Any advice please?? I am planning to break what seems to be a cardinal rule and put her back in nappies tomorrow.

Okay I'll try it for a week and see how it goes.I can really see her enjoying the running around weeing everywhere though!

chubbleigh, I think you're right about the different issues (physical control, understanding the need to go & battle with mum). I think also the age they get physical control makes a difference. I know every says that you wait until they are ready and then they;ll do it really quick. But everyone I know whose dc has seemed ready young (2ys) has mastered it quick, if they get to over 3, it seems to take much longer for many of them.

I wonder if this is because if your child gets the physical control early they treat it like just another skill (walking, talking etc) that they are keen to master to show how grown up they are (and stickers etc help).

But by 3.5 they pretty much think they are all grown up and suddenly finding that there's this big, important thing that they can't master, and have accidents etc - it gives them a complex and that's when they get issues like refusing to poo. It's the same age at which they are starting to become self-conscious, have nightmares, find certain things scary...they just seem to have a lot of emotional development things going on at this age and I wonder if this makes it harder for older children to deal with the stress - stress of realizing that they're not getting it right.

I feel really sad having thought all this now as I got really cross with DS earlier after another accident minutes after I'd been trying unsuccessfully to get him on the potty. My stress is no doubt adding to his and making it all worse.
I'm going to have to go and give him a cuddle...

Rosieglow - your comments certainly food for thought.
Hope you had a nice cuddle.

Well, after having strong words with DS yesterday about this being up to him not us we have had a quite good day today. This morning I asked him if he wanted to wear pants or pull-ups & he chose pull-ups. He seemed a bit surprised he could choose but I reminded him that it's up to him and I think he likes that idea.

He did do one poo in them first thing but then later on he did several in the toilet - first time for about a month! It meant he had finally collected enough stickers to get a train and it seems to have spurred him on again.

So fingers crossed we've turned a corner...

Thats great Rosieglow.
Hope it keeps improving for you both.
My DS keeps pooing in his pants lately but most wees are being done in the potty or toilet.

He did a wee yesteday on the kitchen floor (only had pants on,\no trousers)and came and said ' Look mummy I done a wee wee' with a big smile on his face.'clean it up mummy'.

This indicated to me that he had one it on the floor intentionally to get attention.

I am quite relaxed about the whole potty thing at the moment. Stress levels are much lower thank god. Still have 3 weeks before pre-school and hoping he makes mammoth progress by then.

Well there has been a slight improvement in this house too. I don't let me see me clean up accidents any more as he seems to enjoy the mini drama of the cloths and sprays etc. etc., I just say take your wet thing off and then send him to another room and say I can't talk to you now, I'm busy and shut the door on him. He was a bit taken aback at first but I am determined not to give him any attention for accidents whatsoever, the reverse in fact.
I just can't wait for this particular chapter to be over, mind you sister has a dd.0.3 who had such an explosive poo yesterday it squirted out of the neck of her pj's into her hair and was in her armpits, then she weed all over sis and the bed and pooed in the bath....lovely.

Hi. Thanks to everyone who replied to my message. Yes life has been very hard for me having lost my Dad 9 months ago. We had absolutely no idea he was so ill. He was always such a fit and healthy guy and just over a year ago had a car accident and got hit by a 19yo lad who was driving whilst 3 times over the limit and high on drugs. My Dad never really picked up after that accident although all he had was whiplash but had his car written off. Three months later, whilst on his own at home (mum at work) he was found dead lying by the phone on the floor. He'd suffered a massive heart attack. I saw him the day before and he appeared ok but it was such a huge shock for everybody. I was quite close to my Dad. He was such a lovely guy - always laughing and never complained and even felt sorry for the boy who hit him, saying he's got his life ahead of him etc etc. Anyway none of this is helping me trying to get my 2.7 year old daughter out of nappies. She just simply pees all over the floor. She has only sat on the potty a few times and each time gets up and wee's next to it. I have to be honest my patience is very thin and try my hardest not to get cross but its sooooooo frustrating. I know she can do it - she's a bright spark in every other respect - but she comes across as being so stubborn and lazy. I ask her if she needs a wee and the reply I get is a resounding 'no' and she stomps her feet and walks away. I am absolutely fed up with washing her clothes, knickers, shoes etc etc... I just do not know what to do. I'm so confused with it all and all I feel like doing is crying. I keep wondering if there's something wrong with her and why can't she be like other children her age/younger?

Mambo29 - how are you coping with the loss of your Dad? Got any hints for me? I could do with the support..... xx

barney I tried to potty train Harry at that age, gave up and started again on his third birthday- he was dry night and day in a weekend, the other two older boys were the same. When you leave it, it is easier.

Sympathis with you on the loss of your Dad- it sounds like you should be concentrating on the wellbeing of yourself atm, anything else can wait. But I will give you my top tip if you're not using washables (sorry didnt read whole thread): a few weeks before commencing training put the little one in savers nappies so that they learn to associate being wet with uncomfortable, and at a far less expense than with those expensive training pants things.

lol Chubbleigh re: squirting poo I say keep going as you are. I am sticking to it as well. We will all get there in the end and look back and laugh.(Well maybe not!)

Barney2 - Really feel for you. I agree with MMP, you should be concentrating on yourself. I have found potty training the most stressful aspect of parenting so far. You don't need the stress right now. Give yourself a break. She will come around eventually and it will be so much easier for you. What you should be doing is trying to have fun with DD and we all know potty training is NOT fun!

I'm another great believer in leaving it until they're ready. If that means they're still in nappies at 3 then so be it.

I was determined that my D would be trained by 2, and I tried back then and while she would pee on the potty occasionally, it was mostly just stressful, frustrating and unsuccessful.

She's now 2.5, and SHE decided one day (after seeing some of her friends use the potty) that she wanted to do it too, and potty "training" took exactly one day.

IMO, if it takes more than a few days, they're simply not ready (either physically or emotionally).

Chinchillazilla, it's all very well saying leave it until they are ready - even if they're still in nappies at 3 and, lucky for you, your DD was ready at 2.5. But what if she still wasn't interested at 3, 3.5, 3.8 - how long would you have left her to it until you decided to take the lead?

YIPPPPEEEEEEE!!!!!! I've got an amazing update!!!! Completely out of the blue my 2.7 DS decided that she was going to not only sit on the loo BUT also do a wee!!!! And, deal with the loo roll herself, flush the loo, wash her own hands and then five minutes later go back and do a second one! We went out for the day today and she spent the whole day in pull-ups cos I'd pretty much given up and decided to leave it till the elder one went back to school so I could do more one to one.

Anyway after a long journey home the younger one decided to sit on the loo, all on her own and did a big wee. As a reward we gave her a sticker which she's stuck on the loo and not only that she kept going back to the loo all evening, on her own (upstairs) and even though she has only done the two wee's I'm shocked at her indpendence and complete change so quickly.

OK I'm not going to be overly optimistic but am I a happy Mum!!!??? Not only am I so pleased she's finally doing her wees on the loo but she is completely bypassing the potty which is great!

I will keep you all posted. And yes thank you for all your kind words re my huge loss - my Dad's death. Completely dreadful time but he would be unhappy if he knew I was unhappy and had he ever had the chance to say a few words to me before he died it would have been 'be a happy loving Mum to those two girls' which is what I am trying to do and if I do have a down tearful moment I do try and do it without the kids knowing but its not always possible.

I know we all have to lose our parents at some time but the hardest part was not being able to tell him how much we loved him and to say goodbye. Even typing this I'm welling up..... but thank you to you all - I've found some new friends and I'm so grateful. xxxxx

Ooooops. Sorry. Meant to type DD not DS.....

Thats great news Barney2. Sounds like you have turned a corner. Keep up the good work.

How is everyone else doing?

Our DS is doing quite well at the moment. Hardly any 'wee'accidents for a week now. Still pooing in pants but there was no poo at all yesterday so this morning he said 'theres a poo poo coming mummy' I asked him to go to the potty but he said 'no it will come later' and then poo was on the kitchen floor along with a little wee! He then took himself off to the potty and did more wee and tried for more poo. With every cloud there's a silver lining. He wiped himself for the 1st time ever!!!! I was so proud of him so it made up for his little accident.

I have now officially stopped potty training after 3.5 months and I only wish I'd done it sooner. My stress levels have lowered and my relationship with DD1 has definately improved. I did in conjunction with the Health Visitor who was utterly supportive and it's been the best decision I ever made. DD1 is 2.7 and I'll review things in a month or so.

I feel like it was an important step in my development as a parent to take what feels like such a controversial decision. my full support to anyone in a similar position.

I couldn't agree more with stopping and taking a break if potty trg simply isn't working. I started with my youngest D a few weeks ago and she showed no interest whatsoever. In fact I'm sure she resented me asking if she wanted a wee and would shout back. Once I stopped trying we started to laugh again, having lots of cuddles and play-fights and generally our relationship carried on where we'd left off prior to PT. However, she is now 2.7 and has decided to do it all herself. She takes herself to the loo, does her wee's, wipes herself, flushes and does her hands. She may go on the loo or she may choose to use the potty. This all started just Saturday afternoon and here we are Monday afternoon and only one accident to date and that was because she was too busy running up and down the garden to notice.

I think the answer to all this PT stuff is to wait for your child to tell you when they're ready AND NOT before. I get fed up with everyone telling me when a child should be doing this/that/everything else. There is no point doing it early just because it suits the parents. Yes I was anxious because I couldn't understand why she couldn't do it all herself, especially as her elder sister was dry way before now.

I now have a fun relaxed child who thinks its great she is 'miss indpendent' and knows what a good clever girl she is and should she have an accident its no big deal, we mop it up, and carry on playing etc.

The most important factor in all of this is if you, as a parent, gets stressed, so does the child. They pick up on everything and will sense your anger/upset/disappointment and it will only set them back. I know this because I've just been there. I'm now getting through it. We're winning and I'm a very happy, proud Mum !!!!

Also......it doesn't matter what age a child becomes dry - whether it be 2 or 3 or even 4 years old - its no big deal. They will eventually want to copy all the other children at playgroup, friend's houses etc etc - they won't want to be the odd one out - ie in a nappy/pull up. BUT don't waste your time trying to get them out of nappies before they're ready. Life is too short. Enjoy every moment with your precious little one and spend the time doing something far more enjoyable and leave the PT until he/she is ready. XX

Also......it doesn't matter what age a child becomes dry - whether it be 2 or 3 or even 4 years old - its no big deal. They will eventually want to copy all the other children at playgroup, friend's houses etc etc - they won't want to be the odd one out - ie in a nappy/pull up. BUT don't waste your time trying to get them out of nappies before they're ready. Life is too short. Enjoy every moment with your precious little one and spend the time doing something far more enjoyable and leave the PT until he/she is ready. XX

You are so right barney2. I wish I was so relaxed about it all when I first started out on PT. The difficulty is when you have been going at PT for weeks on end, you think you have cracked it and your child knows exactly what to do and then they suddenly regress. You then face the decision whether to stop or not. When I tried to stop, DS tore off his pull-up and wanted his pants on! I have therefore kept going as this indicated to me that he wanted to carry on but we have still suffered many many accidents. They just don't really seem to be stressful ones anymore

We are in week 9 and tbh he has had about 3 wee accidents in the last 2 weeks. I think this is good going. The problem we have is now we have to conquer the poo. He will do it when he is ready but in the meantime I have pants to clean.

I think we are on a turnaround here!
No accidents at all today! Yipee.
I am so pleased. At bed time DS had not done a poo. We did the whole bedtime routine and he did a wee in the potty etc. Was tucked into bed and then said he wanted to do another wee wee. Off he went to the potty and did another wee and a poo He even wiped his bottom himself (did a great job of it too)put the paper into the toilet, flushed and washed his hands.

I am a proud mummy tonight.

Wow. Sounds like we're all getting there eventually. My D spent the day yesterday either on the loo or the potty, whichever was convenient for her at the time! As far as doing a poo on the loo/potty - she often says she wants to do one and will sit down ready but no successes so far - she seems to wait until she's got a nappy on at night and will then fill it for me - I had this with my elder D and after a while she suddenly started doing them on the loo herself. I must be honest though it was getting a bit annoying putting a clean nappy on her at night only to then go back up and change it ten minutes later.

Anyway I'm still a very happy Mum. My youngest D is doing very well and even if we did have an accident I'm sure I'll be quite relaxed about dealing with it because she has done so well.

However, this has been the most stressful time of my life as far as parenting is concerned and has put me off EVER having another child!

Zelda - I think you have done the right thing. I felt terrible when I gave up so big hugs {}!
Despite being cross the first couple of days back in nappies, I know my dd is MUCH happier now. (me too ). Here's to them letting us know the right time!

Zelda - you've done the right thing giving up for the time being. I gave up with my D - she is now 2.7 - we tried and tried and in the end I got so cross with her I was forcing her to sit on the potty and she would get angry with me and throw it across the room. In the end the potty got put to one side, the pull-ups came out but what I did do was put a pair of knickers on her over the pull-up - that way she was still used to wearing knickers but obviously not using them as intended and I could still say she was a big girl for wearing them. Whether or not this was the right/wrong thing to do I don't know but it seemed to give her some indication that knickers were going to be in use despite what she wanted to do.

I'm obviously sorry that I got so stressed out with it all. I know she picked up on it and for a time our relationship went drastically down hill. After I gave up, only last week, it was as if I'd found her again and we had some great times just being Mummy and daughter. Then with no prompting from me she started to do it on her own. I think my easing off of nagging/me getting stressed etc helped her to go it alone. Only THEY know when they are ready. We're just their parents - what do we know???!!!

Zelda - don't worry. You'll get there. It takes time and remember every child is different, as I found out!

Yes Zelda I agree with what Barney2 has said.
I think you should be more proud of yourself for having the courage to give up and leave it for another day. I just kept putting myself and DS through the stress of it all and it went on far too long. Looks like we have made it now and I am happy but this time next yr I will be looking at DS2 and thinking....hummmm I will wait til you are ready.