Gardening in the winter sun. 40-something mums Christmas thread

[somewherebecomingrain]

40-something mums with babies of all ages - please join us. The 20-something and 30-something mums will never satisfy you like this thread.

[rosiedays]

Notso , thank you for sharing your story, i had 9 hcp check dd for tt.... 8 missed it.
Your ds1 will adjust in time, you sound like you're enjoying your newborn snuggles. It is much easier 2 time round :)
Re poo, did he finished his green gunk poos? If he's ebf and not showing signs of tummy ache then think a week is ok.
Dd was a once a week pooer (3/4x a day now :( )

[knottyhair]

Catdoctor, I was like the proverbial rabbit with Rosa as well, with an 8, nearly 9, year age gap between my 2, it took a while to come back! You're bound to feel like that about time with your DS1, I still do now, I think any parent with more than one child does. Lots of other mums on here have a toddler as well as a baby, so I'm sure they'll be able to offer great advice for you. My boy is that bit older so I can at least explain stuff to him a bit, but I'm sure he does feel pushed out sometimes, even though I do my best .
Ladies, your meet up photos on FB are just gorgeous, I want to bundle all your beautiful babies up for a big squidge, although not all at once, that would be madness.
Rosa has started to refuse her bedtime milk, which I think is a bit early at 12 months old, but she still sleeps all night without it so I guess that's OK? Going to keep offering it for a few more days in case she changes her mind, and trying to make sure she gets plenty of yoghurt, cheese etc. Not hard, she is slightly obsessed with both of these, as well as satsumas! Can't wait for DS to break up from school today, bless him, he's knackered, they've been doing bloody tests all week . He's got his school Xmas party today, then we're taking him out for a Chinese this evening and my lovely friend is babysitting for Rosa. Hope everyone else is OK and bbd is still enjoying Marrakesh .

[somewherebecomingrain]

knotty that is impressive of rosa - hope somelet will be the same. Sounds like a gift - dont question it!

Wanted to ask you about ds holding hands with girls/having obvious crush on someone's three year old little sister and stroking her arm. My boy is like his dad - loves the ladies. But should I step in?

catdoctor are you a vet? How old is ds? Why on steroids, or is that an expression?

rosie wish I'd been there despite the hazards you encountered. Sounds amazing.

Re whole thread meet up We are in a Mexican standoff I guess about who will travel south or north. I still say find a middle ground. X

I'm a bit sad cause I organised two play dates for my son for last week before Xmas and they both fell through. Feel I stirred up my son unnecessarily.

Also his preferred boy won't play with him. Isn't being nice. The nice boys he doesn't find as fun.

Was comforted when I realised that's an eternal human dilemma.

Xxx

[blueblackdye]

Have not had a chance to read properly the 20 last posts ! Lots of catch up to do once back, flying out home tomorrow morning, it was a nice break with lots of sunshine and rest for all of us, warm weather was a good thing, A has worked a lot on her walking and climbing, DS made a few friends at Mini Club, DH won the tennis tournament, I played golf and tried archery, ate far too much, had a good spa day with wonderful facial and quite an energetic Morrocan scrub, spent too much money on leather cloth...
Hope everyone is well, baby and Mum.
Off to the gala dinner tonight !

[catdoctor]

Evening!
Those of you that meet in rl, where are you in the country?
Yes, somewhere I'm a vet - the steroid comment was a figure of speech! DS1 is 3yr 5m - I heard the term 'threenager' recently which some him up a treat.

Still no poo here. DMIL came yesterday for first meeting with DS2 - told me that BIL only pooed weekly as newborn and she'd use a soap suppository(sp?)- poor little sod. Interesting what comes out - DM has always said what a good sleeper I was but then let slip she used to tie me into the cot with reins?! One time she found me standing up with mattress strapped to my back Buzz Lightyear-esq.

[catdoctor]

stop-press poo has arrived - oh yes, indeedy

[knottyhair]

Somewhere, I wouldn't worry about the hand holding thing too much. As long as the recipient is happy with the attention! Your DS sounds so lovely. Mine is very reticent about the whole "girl" thing - some of his friends have girlfriends (as much as you can at 9 years old) but DS just stares at his feet and says "no" very quietly when you ask him, bless him. I did once find a card he had made for a girl in his class, he'd drawn them both under a rainbow with a big love heart but got very anxious when I suggested he take it to school for her, then whispered to me "but she doesn't even know...." and refused to give it to her .
BBD glad you've had such a wonderful time, hope the flight home today goes smoothly.
Catdoctor, those stories from your mum & MIL made me laugh! Glad the poo has made an appearance .
We took DS out for a lovely Chinese last night and Rosa was very good for my friend. I didn't want my friend to have to deal with her fussing around with her bedtime milk, so put it back in a bottle just to see (we've been trying to get her to have it from her sippy cup), and she downed the lot! Don't know why she takes against the cup for this feed, she has her breakfast milk and her water throughout the day from beaker or sippy cup. So back to the bottle for now I think, she obviously wanted it! Have the joy of the final supermarket shop before Christmas today, and need to make a yule log later for friends coming to stay tomorrow. Have a good weekend everyone! xx

[somewherebecomingrain]

catdoctor lol I have a fournager (?!) and congrats on baby catdoctor poo success

knotty intriguing re return to bottle. I am doing same soppy cup tactic but it precludes a sleep connection iyswim and bottles are kind of nice. I spent a fortune on them. Would be nice to use them.

Yes re amorous ds he is v innocent. He's not great at personal space but I'd say he has a good rapport with girls in so far as he has that whole softie dimension. They can look a bit surprised but not unhappy (!). I guess that could happen just in the learning process so I can help steer him then. He's not 'at it' all the time it just comes over him sometimes.

Aaaaaaah re your son! That is so lovely and gorgeous. And heartbreaking but in a normal healthy way. How is his cooking going?

[EagleRay]

Evening all

BBD welcome home! Sounds like your holiday in the winter sun was just the tonic. I think it's a fab time of year to go away - wanted to do it myself this year but job stuff has taken up my time instead.

Scarecrow hope DD's party went well - did you get the cake finished ok?

Catdoctor am so glad you managed to avoid the dreaded induction. I had so many sweeps post 38 weeks I started to feel like a human glove puppet. And they did diddly squat for me! Great idea to have a doula - I would definitely have one if I ever did this again. Had similar experience to you re tongue tie - DD was examined in hospital a LOT by docs, MWs etc due to PROM but nothing was mentioned re tongue tie. And she failed miserably to feed - just could not latch on. I am still massively pissed off they provided me with a BF counsellor when it was a bloody physical problem It was eventually spotted by a community MW and snipped the following day.

Rosie it was fab to meet you and to see Pudding again. I loved your summary of the afternoon, but sorry you got drenched on the way home. The babies were awesome and relieved that they escaped intact after DD's rather enthusiastic 'affection'

Knotty glad you had a nice meal out with DS, who sounds really lovely and sensitive.

Somewhere you have reminded me of the mountain of bottles languishing in the cupboard - I doubt if they'll ever get used now.

This weekend has been a mixed bag of broken sleep, christmas preparation stress and more bike strife with DP. As you will all know, I moan constantly about his preoccupation with cycling and how it seems to dominate the weekend. I warned him that this weekend there would be plenty of other stuff to do but somehow getting out on his bike is on the agenda again. And then yesterday I noticed some strange marks on the hall floor (I've got wood floors throughout the house) and alarm bells rang as I always notice when something is damaged. It was a strange repeat pattern of indents everywhere. I described the pattern to DP and of course his face fell and he confessed it would probably be the cleats on his bloody bike shoes. The final insult was this afternoon when he returned home from bike trip soaking wet and covered in mud, took the shoes off at the front door (suppose I should be grateful for that) and then dropped them on top of my nice cream leather shoes.

Today has been rescued by a trip out to Wagamama this eve. DD has a cold and been fairly miserable and off her food today, so wasn't sure how long we would last. Luckily she perked up when we arrived, waved at everyone, threw her chopsticks around and chomped her way through pork, noodles, dumplings, rice, sweet potato and cheesecake! It is hardly fine dining, but I love the food there and it's very baby friendly. DD loves the table mounted highchairs too - it was lovely seeing her so happy after a tetchy day!

[blueblackdye]

Catdoctor , congratulations ! Enjoy these first weeks of cuddles. I too was told not to worry if poo made an appearance only once a week ! But DD after 3 days would release her intestines during every feed or so ! And I have lost count on how many times she did it during nappy change :)
I too felt horrible not to be able to spend as much time with DS as I used before DD arrived. It was difficult to explain but he understood, I always tried not to mention baby when asking him to wait, saying things like "give me a sec to finish what I am doing (feeding his sister most of the time) and I will have a look at what you are building", the age gap is 3y 9m. He has always been very gentle and kind with his sister, of course she ripes his drawings and destroys his Legos and he gets angry, tearful but has learned to distract her with another toy in order to get his one back, he snatches sometimes but not too aggressively. Sibling rivalry is inevitable imo but it can be dealt with, well I hope so, FX ! Atm, he loves her and the same is true for her, they give each other cuddles, kisses and it is just heart melting... During his Mini kid club show 2 days ago, she crossed the whole garden to sit on his laps, about 10 meters. DH was not quick enough to capture that with the video recorder, shame.

Rosie, Pudding, Eagle, love the description of the meet up. Really hope to meet you too when babies are older and easier to travel with.
Cycle, hope you are ok, fx babyC gets lots of good nutrients from tube and feels better soon, bronchiolitis is my worst nightmare. In France, we use physio a lot to help babies to get rid of mucus, it is impressive to watch but it does work well.
Waves to Scarecrow, Somewhere, LRM, Goat, Knotty, Notsoold and I hope
I have not missed anyone.

[somewherebecomingrain]

bbd welcome home. It sounds great. Your dc's rapport sounds fab - ds sounds reasonable and mature. Mine are beginning to play together and it is the most lovely thing, as well as being a source of free childcare! Result or what. I need to read up on sibling rivalry, I must admit my ds is so hard to get to bed I've pulled the 'gotta go dd crying' card loads of times.

eagle another entertaining missive from eagle towers. I've never heard a bike cited in divorce proceedings but could this be a first? Men are peculiar in their singleminded ness.

cycle are you ok? What is going on with baby cycle? I didn't know bronchiolitis was this bad. What's the difference from bronchitis? How is he doing?

AFM I have a a big one.

Think my sister is going off at the deep end. It's been gradual but she is very stressed. She has a deep psychological stress around intimacy which is basically why she has never had a good relationship and why she is a single mum now (not true of all single mums). TBH I think her intimacy problems are standing her in bad stead in terms if parenting as you can't shut your kids out when it gets too much. She has a very difficult manipulative insecure unhappy older boy and so could any of us but she is Especially ill equipped to deal with it. Her standard coping mechanism is denial and she still maintains it's just bad luck she hasn't got a relationship. She is also in denial about her son 'just being a boy' etc. It's not working any more and she has started doing some truly horrible disinhibited shouting at her kids. She also did a 'performance' of Kim kardashian on Kanye's bike (see vevo) in front of her little girl which left me feeling very uncomfortable about her state of mind and judgement because of its sexual content. An old friend's new baby is very, very ill - my sister doesn't like this friend (of course) but she seemed almost pleased. That isn't my sister, it's a horrible mentally unwell caricature.

My partner is very concerned cause of the nephew's behaviour towards my son but also now actually my sister and her unpleasant state of mind. He wanted to stay away on Christmas Eve - grenade amongst the pigeons. Think we will go but I feel caught between.

I had a sort of a break down - when I was 33 - and I do feel it's my sisters turn, our family dis functions are coming home to roost. Denial staved it off this long but the kids make denial impossible - it's too weak and threadbare a coping strategy and they know it. She needs to accept help and deal with that part of herself that cannot tolerate the intimate relationships of family life. She might get a loving partner (she is so alone) or if not at least better friendships and more insight into her parenting.

The debate is:

Confront her/write a letter and never let my kids see hers at all (what my dp wants)
Just see less of her and wait for the message to trickle through/ the crisis to happen on its own, and watch for my opportunity to say something (my preference).

So big stress with dp as we have different opinion.

Sorry for rant.

Xx

[rosiedays]

Morning all. :)
Another weekend survived. Dh decided to be a practical involved dad this weekend which was very stressful as he does things in such a kakhanded way and i have to smile and control the 'my way monsters'.

Saying a little prayer for cycle and baby. Hope he is better soon. Xx

Bbd glad holiday was a good one. :) sounds like you all had a great time. Well done you. X

Somewhere i have a dysfunctional family with some very bumpy carpets! ! (1 sister still refuses to even acknowledge dd3)
How old are your sister children? And how much contact do you usually have? ?
Can you leave big decision till after Xmas?
I was a single parent for 16 Christmas' it's a really tough lonely time. Would your dh just let Xmas pass? She could well be on the edge right now. It's great that you love her enough to care so much. Make sure she knows that.
Maybe you could do some forward planning with her for next year? Set some goals with her. Set categories such as financial, travel, job, dc, and include emotional goals? ? make one that you go to a family councillors together? Does she have any insight at all into her problems?
I'm home and not busy if you want to chat it over you can pm me

[rosiedays]

Oh keep meaning to send big Christmas wave to all the lurkers you know who you are
Wishing you all a peaceful happy Christmas with your little miracles. Xx

[somewherebecomingrain]

Hey rosie my sister is far to proud to accept me setting her goals. She's too independent that's her trouble - to the point of shutting out feedback that's important to her sanity - like that never EVER having a mature relationship with a man (warts and all) may mean you are also not quite there with your parenting ability. She shouts at the kids monstrously. She has the potential to be amazing (and potential is critical ) but she is down a narcissistic blind alley where she is too scared (because narcissism covers self-loathing) to face up to the fact that she has not developed fully as a human being. It particularly annoys me because its nothing to be so sensitive about - we've all been there and the rewards of getting to grips with it are so great. And there are little people suffering.

A great relief to offload here.

I think she is actually getting nasty at the moment which is so so SO unlike her.

What would you or anyone else do? Bearing in mind I have said a lot to her in the past and her reaction has been nuclear defense ie big explosion.

One of my sisters doesn't talk to us and has never met our second children.

Maybe this sis would be relieved if I intervened but I'm really not sure. For 25 years I've been saying she should have therapy - every time, anger.

My truly crazy middle sister is personality disordered and truly nasty and gets angry about everything and anything. and it's like my oldest sister, the one I care about, is being an echo of her. They both spit out feedback they can't handle to different degrees. I suppose we all do but FFS!

Sorry to vent. Sorry to take over with my psychodrama. It is a great relief though.

cycle how is Nye?

rosie I like the 'my way' demons. Thank you for responding. She is very courageous in many ways. How long we're you a single mum for?

Xx

[rosiedays]

Somewhere, i have been a single parent to dd1 ( now 25) all her life and dd2 (now 23) since she was about 3. I chose very badly in the father store, twice! Neither has had much to do with them in a positive way. When they were young i actively avoided relationships. Really didn't want or need anyone else in our lives. We worked good as a 3.


Your sister does sound troubled! Maybe if this has been a problem for years. you do need to step back. Do you trust dh judgement? Sometimes things just have to happen. Are her children in any real danger? I have a cousin who is a total basket case in everycconceivable way but her daughter's are fine.

[somewherebecomingrain]

No her children aren't in danger. She is having a bad time at work and maybe that's what is producing this crazy behaviour. She is really bent out if shape.

What you say is encouraging.

I don't want to impose my world view on her. She isn't looking for a relationship. Yet she is quite 'off' with my dp and v sensitive about the topic of lurve which subtextually suggests to me she does want.

Also her Kim kardashian impersonation told me she really needs a shag.

[somewherebecomingrain]

Dh is worried about our son as her son is quite odd and a bit of a bully.
Hits our ds constantly.

Oh well. No easy answer but chatting about it here really is helpful.
X

[somewherebecomingrain]

No my sister doesn't need a shag. I'm talking like her. She needs tenderness and looking after.

Hopefully I'm petering out now with my venting.

How is everyone else feeling in the run up to Xmas?

Xxx

[knottyhair]

Rosie, I totally get the "my way" demons as well .
Somewhere, your situation with your sister sounds very stressful. Wish I had some proper advice for you but I think what Rosie said about stepping back, at least for now, would be what I would do. I guess the issue of her son's behaviour towards your DS is a separate one to deal with, (although obviously linked to her behaviour!) and can't be ignored. My sister & I have had issues in the past and I know how horrible it is, but it does sound like there are MH issues here which makes it all the more difficult to deal with. Sorry I'm not of more use, but I'll be checking in on the thread over Christmas so if you need to vent, go ahead .
Cycle, still thinking of you and your precious boy, glad he sounds like he's getting better.
Had a nice few days, DP is off now for a couple of weeks, although he gave me the rage when he referred to him looking after Rosa whilst I did housework as "babysitting" . No love, it's parenting! Had my friend to stay Sun/Mon with her 2 DCs which was lovely. Her DS and mine are the same age, and her DD was besotted with Rosa. She is a single mum with a particular useless/damaging XP, and she is such an inspiration to me as a parent, amazing lady. And last night, had a takeaway curry at my friend's house with my 3 best mates and we ended up jigging around to a mix of favourite eighties hits (e.g. Echo & the Bunnymen and Aha, we are nothing if not eclectic!) and Flight of the Conchords whilst perving over Jemaine that was just me ). And now it's Christmas Eve, one of my favourite days of the year! Hope everyone else is OK xx

[somewherebecomingrain]

knotty big lol re babysitting/parenting. To those who disparage semantics, ha!

Like the step back advice everyone.

Xxx

[scarecrow22]

apologies for long silence. Colds, teething and dd has a v resilient sick bug plus dh working day and night. And list a bug post two days ago. Oh and organising party for dd and Xmas...

BBD glad.lovely hols. Did you get quality time with DH?
Cat
Catdoc I have a toddler and baby combo - dd was 2y 3.5m when ds was born. We still have a lit of rivalry which makes me sad. No answers but my instinct is will hugely improve when ds can respond more equally so he is less demanding of me, more fun ...and tbh can stand up for himself a bit. I dis find explaining to dd that I dis the same things for.her like bf and change nappies and let her sleep in our room for the early months helped, but was not the full answer. Happy to swap notes, if only because my family life might make you feel better about yours
Rosie, as so often I'm full of admiration and respect for you and how generous you are with hard won wisdom.
Somewhere, hand holding you. DS handholding v sweet and surely harmless if girl happy. Re sister will think but I might not have any useful advice in this realm. To start with though maybe wait til after Christmas but promise dp to be more active in handling issue if he will support you in holding it all together during next few days. Then separate your time with sister from family time. That way you support her but protect son so to speak. you will know deep down if should tell her what doing.

[scarecrow22]

splitting posts as will lose thin grasp on sanity if lose another! Also apologies worse typos than usual. DH talking incessantly.

Actually my life too dull for words. So.will say goodbye for now. Heading to in laws for three days. Our daughter is still being sick.and in pain and dh plans to.meet.friends in pub tonight and go to football on Boxing.day. presumably while I look after the kids and enjoy his delightful parents who feel sorry for him being married.to me. If I am sane and not divorced by 2014 it will be the Christmas Miracle.

[scarecrow22]

er, departs all that I do like Christmas, so Happy Christmas lovely Fab Forties

[somewherebecomingrain]

scare brilliant advice.
knotty just wanted to add Jermaine is totally hot - big, ruggedly handsome, funny and musical. It doesn't get much better.
Xxx

[EagleRay]

Scarecrow hope you endure the inlaws trip ok. And get well soon poor DD

Knotty I love Jemaine too! One of my fave ever movies is Eagle vs Shark (hmm I wonder if Goat likes this movie too...)

Poor DD is poorly at the mo with a horrible cold/cough. She slept til 10am this morning (as did I!) but was struggling to breathe as her nose was completely sealed over with green goo - it was vile. Took her into bed and fed her then she coughed and threw up all over the sheets. Then at breakfast she threw up again in her highchair but luckily it all landed in the tray whereupon she started to play with it

She's currently sleeping on DP, who has just arrived home with all his worldly possessions as he's been booted out of his weekday digs.

Was feeling a bit miserable and lonely earlier as feeling a bit cut off from the world as it seems like forever since I did any normal socialising. At least DP home for a few days now so will be able to nip out.

Anyway, am excited now as apparently the International Space Station is passing overhead in a few minutes' time so am heading up to the loft with the camera and tripod. If I manage to get anything on camera I will post it and clog up the FB even more with my endless photos

Cyclecamper thinking of you lots and really hope DS gets home today.