I hate being a parent

[JulietBurke]

I have name changed for this as I'm so ashamed. Sorry if it's in the wrong place.

I have a 10 month old son. I love him, but I hate being a parent and I don't think I can do it any more. He doesn't sleep - he'll only nap on me and wakes every 2hours through the night. Sometimes it takes an hour to get him back to sleep. He was diagnosed with silent reflux a month ago and things improved a bit, but now it's all gone to hell again.

I keep fantasising about life before I met my DH. I had my own flat that was clean and tidy. I want that life back. I keep thinking of ways I could leave - planning where I would go and what I would do. I also have terrible thoughts that I can't talk about.

I cry all the time. DH is miserable and finds any excuse to go out.He would rather stay up late watching TV than go to bed with me.I've lost 3stone off my pre-pregnancy weight because I'm either too exhausted to eat or just can't be bothered. We are also in so much debt I can't see how we will ever get back on our feet.

I don't think I can go on but I don't know how to get out. Please help.

If you want to tell us the area you're in we could find the numbers for you to phone.

This is NOT your fault but women with severe PND can hurt their babies when ill and you will hate yourself forever once you're well.

Get help today. Even if it means turning up at your local psychiatric ward with the baby and telling them your wondering about how long it would take to suffocate him.

You are dangerously ILL op. I'm so angry at your shit HV for not doing their job but please give other health professionals a chance.

Do it today op. It's the best thing you'll ever do for your baby.

Hi OP

Please make an appointment to see your GP today. I'm absolutely sure they will be able to help - the sooner you go, the sooner your situation will start to turn around. Don't wait to see your HV, that is just a delay, and she may well refer you to your GP, which will just be another delay.

This is the NHS page on PND, they WILL take you seriously .
NHS Choices PND

Just wanted to add my voice to those pleasing for you to go get help now. Today. I've been where you are and it's not really you. It's an illness and there is help available x

I had similar feelings towards dd.

Please call 999 if you feel in danger of hurting yourself or your ds. It will fast track you into the system.

If you get help and support things will be fine. Your ds wont remember any of this, honestly and you will look back on this period of your life like a dark photo, something you can remember but doesnt seem so real.

Your dh sounds useless to be honest. What did he say when you said about leaving etc?

Whereabouts are you based? I am in south Norfolk if you are anywhere near maybe we could meet up for a coffee or whatever, just getting out and about sometimes helps.

Have read all your posts, OP.

Please don't wait till the 9th. Call NHS Direct, or out-of-hours GP, or even 999. I called emergency doc when I could not cope anymore, they were amazing, came over within a couple of hours (I'd called at 4am), and got me into an ambulance and to hospital. I though they were overreacting a bit, but they really weren't. I have severe PND and was in hospital for a few weeks, with DD, getting better. It helped me a lot, along with meds and seeing a counsellor.

Don't do something you'll regret. You may not believe me now, but it will get better. But it may not happen easily - you do need to get help, and not a bloody HV who'll pop round in a week or so.

Cupcakes? How are you this morning?

Please let us know. I second what everyone else has said. A friend of mine went into a mum and baby unit for a while and it was fantastic for her - gave her the time and rest needed to bond.

Xxxxx

Ps I don't think we live near each other but I've just pm'd you my phone number x

Fucking Health Visitors! Mine was as useless as yours sounds, came to my house, told me i was clinically depressed and that she would be back the next day - err, i never saw her again, i struggled on for another year before I finally got help from my GP.

PLEASE go to see your doctor, this cannot go on, I don't know what is happening with your relationship, whether your DH isn't stepping up or that your perception of things is skewed because you are not well.

That is the thing, YOU ARE NOT WELL, anyone reading this can see you have PND and are desperately in need of help. You will not be a drain on resources, you need help and you will get it, you just have to reach out and ask.

I could have written so many of your posts, especially regarding the debt but we got through it, it was hell but its 8 years on and we are happy, still in debt (ha!) but its under control and we are happy. I was really quite ill.

Please PM me if you would like any advice regarding the debts, ive been there - i have fought them all off from county court judgements, bailifs and the mortgage company - it has left me wiht a good understanding of my rights and where to approach for help, i am more than happy to go through things with you.

You have made the first step in turning things around by posting here, that was very brave. You can do this xxx

I rang the gp. They could not fit me in today so I have am appointment tomorrow afternoon.

Meringue thank you for the pm you sent. It means a lot.

These mum and baby unit sound wonderful. Are they everywhere? I am in Wiltshire.

MB units are all over the country - not sure where your nearest is; I was in one in London. They ARE great, staffed by nurses trained in dealing with PND and looking after babies. Lots of women going through the same thing you are. And there are a lot of people going through the same thing - in 2010 the MBUs near me had waiting lists! You are not alone.

Great that you can see your gp tomorrow. 24 hours to get through, you can do it. I really hope the doctor you see (is it a diff one?) will be sympathetic and offer you some practical, immediate, help.

Well done getting an appt with your gp. Hang on in there til then but if you feel you might hurt your baby just phone 999.

Your nearest m&b unit is likely http://www.awp.nhs.uk/services/specialist/mother-and-baby-unit/ bristol.

Please find a few minutes to write down all your dark thoughts and worries and take it with you tomorrow to the gp. It's too easy in a rushed environment to make it all seem less serious than it is. I know it seems ott but please try. Is it a nice gp?

Well done for making the appointment and Barberry is right, write everything down as it is hard to see how bleak you are actually feeling in the practical environment of the Drs.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your reports and your concern.

Sending lots of love to the OP from all at MNHQ. We thought we'd include a link to our web guide here, where you might find some useful links.

We really hope your situation starts to improve soon

I meant it Cupcakes, pick up the phone any time :)

Hugs to you, hope tonight is reasonably peaceful and tomorrow goes well at the docs. Keep us updated x

Oh cupcakes you've done exactly the right thing to share how you're feeling and go to the GP. Nobody thinks badly of you, you aren't well and you're not being supported well enough by anyone.

I've also pm'd my number and I can come and see you if I can help.

Just to add with a baby that age if you leave and needed to give up work you'd be entitled to income support, or possibly Employment and support allowance if you're too ill to work. If you do work then tax credits will help with childcare costs. Whether you work or not you should get Housing Benefit to pay rent or possibly support for your mortgage interest payments. There's a good calculator on gov.uk or speak to CAB. Please don't make this decision on financial grounds, you need to do whatever it takes to get well and you will be able to support yourself.

Saw the gp and been prescribed antidepressants and referred to councillor. Have to go back with dh next week so the gp can assess him and decide whether he is a competent parent. If she's not happy we will be referred to social services. She said she doesn't want to do that as social services in this area are apparently 'heavy handed'. I can't believe I could lose my little boy.

Aw cupcakes I'm sure it won't come to that. You have taken the right steps to get the help that you need

I know nothing about PND but lots of people on here do, I do however know that it is an illness, your not feeling this way because you don't love your little boy, it's because you are ill

I've also PM'd my number and you know we're always here for you on the postnatal thread x

Antidepressants can really help, might take a couple of weeks to kick in though, so don't be disheartened if you still feel crap for a bit. Why did GP question your DH's competency? That seems a bit heavy-handed... Not sure why she'd refer you to SS - if you're depressed and struggling to cope then MH services would be more helpful? Did she even hint that DS might be taken into care? Hope this isn't the case.

Hope you don't have to wait too long for counselling. And do call 999 or out-of-hours doc if you get really low and think you might harm your DS.

Well done for taking a huge, and very brave, step to recovery. Not easy to discuss PND with a doctor, it's so personal.

Cupcakes, you won't lose your ds at all, I'm sure of that. You are doing the right thing by asking for help. Hopefully the ADs will begin to help soon, and I'm glad that the GP was sympathetic.

Well I would say I hated being a parent up until my dd was 1. Me and dh would argue a lot about how to bring her up etc and I didn't bond with her that well. Turns out I had thyroid problems but it was such a struggle - can't be without her now so definitely persevere

cupcakes well done for talking to your GP, that's a massive step. I'm so glad you have some treatment and I hope it helps really quickly.

I'm sure SS will not take DS away, if they do get involved they will be looking for ways to support you all. It sounds like the GP wasn't being so helpful there, perhaps she's hoping to spur your DH into action?

Keep talking to us and please ring or text one of us if you need more support. I'm up all night anyway myself with DD.

dancing when she mentioned social services I asked if they would take him away and she said 'they might'. She didn't beat around the bush.

cupcakes please don't take what your GP said about SS too seriously. There are so very many things that can be done to help you all and they will happen now you're in the system. Can you ring your HV again now you have a diagnosis? They might see you sooner and sort out some help.

If you're too unwell to look after DS and DH is too then the next option would be a mother and baby unit like someone described upthread. But if your GP thought you needed that right now she would have referred you straight to the mental health team, she wouldn't be asking to see you in a week. But if things change or you feel you can't cope then do seek urgent help, it is out there.

You can get through this and DS and you will be just fine.

Did you ask GP why she thought your DS would be taken away? That's a bit crap of her, tbh. PND isn't a crime, and the mother suffering from it needs treatment and support rather than having her child taken away.

I was apart from DD for 3 nights when I was admitted to hospital, and that was very weird. I was in a MH triage unit (so no children allowed) - all the doctors I spoke to admitted that separating a depressed mother from her child was very not ideal, and they worked quickly to reunite us (in a MBU). It's really hard - and surely counterproductive? - to treat PND by separating mother and child.

Hope you don't spend the next week (till you see your GP) worrying about it though. Is it possible to speak to another doctor in the meantime, and get a second opinion?

How is your day going? Hope DS's reflux not too hideous and that he's sleeping a bit better... Being knackered makes everything 10000 times worse.

Really pleased GP has prescribed ADs. It might take a few weeks for them to work, but when they do you'll be surprised at how 'normal' they make you feel -well I was anyway.

I'm surprised GP said that about SS taking DS away from you. I very much doubt they would based on you having PND, but I wonder if she said that because she can't categorically say 'oh no nothing like that' in case there are other factors that would cause it.

What im thinking here is whether you said anything about DH that would have hinted at domestic or emotional abuse? She might be thinking that SS would remove DS if there is abuse in the home and you said you wouldn't leave.